I can't do this

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I just can't do this anymore.

Day 7 of isolation. DS is 3 and he and I are positive. DD is 15 months.

I'm broken. Parenting has broken me and I'm fairly sure I'm doing it all wrong.

• we have a routine, always have had. But it takes so much work. Trying to get DS to get upstairs to get dressed is a battle everyday. Getting dressed can mean running away, going totally floppy, just being obstructive. I must say 'trousers on please' 15 times. I tried taking their clothes downstairs but DS had a total meltdown.

They cannot play with anything. If he wants to do a puzzle she wants to destroy it. If he wants a toy of hers he will badger her til she leaves it. He wants to draw, she breaks the felt tips. It's relentless. If we play something for 5 minutes- that's not an exaggeration- it's a win.

Every dinner time is cajoling him to eat, stopping him from being generally stupid. A good 80% of the time he knocks over a drink.

He's constantly trying to hurt her or pick stuff up he's not allowed or throw stuff out of the window. He won't just "be'.

She hates getting dressed, having her coat put on, having her nappy changed. Everything is a battle.

I'm so fundamentally broken. I clean scrambled egg off the floor every day of my life.

I'm broken.

I'm with you there. I have a prolapse and theybhsve suggested a hysterectomy - fine by me, you can board it up for all I care!!!

I haven’t read the full thread but I just wanted to say that it does get better. Mine have the same age gap but are about 5 months older and I can remember being where you are. It was brutal. The younger one has got so much easier over the past two months and that in its turn has made the older one easier as she doesn’t feel she is fighting for attention all the time. They even play together a bit now - I never thought that day would come!

One day at a time. It gets easier, I promise.

Youre not doing it wrong

My 3 yo was the same. Controlling, naughty, energetic, defiant. Being locked down isn't natural. They need to let off steam

All i can say is pick your battles. If he won't get trousers on then leave them off.

As she got closer to 4, it got easier

I think you need a bit more divide and conquer. When your DD naps I would play with DS rather than put the TV on, he can have TV time later by himself and you can play with DD during that time. We do some big kid toys and drawing on the dining table so out of reach of the youngest who plays on the floor. I can hover between both.

Have you got a pack of balloons? Blow up a load, saved me through 2 X Covid.

@GrendelsGrandma I've saved your lists and advice too as I have an 18 month old, so thank you!

Op, hope you have a better day today. I have a 18 month old and it's hard enough
to find entertainment just with him (he also will draw, paint, use a sticker book for maybe 5 minutes?) So I think you're doing your best with two!

@Sausagesausagesausage I do have balloons somewhere, good shout.

I tried doing the TV once DD woke up but it just meant they both stared at it...

First off, you are doing amazingly. These ages are hell on earth.

Your standards are high. Lower them. Try not telling them off unless it's essential. Just totally ignore mild to moderate misbehaving. Try not waking DS (everyone says they will then not sleep at night but my experience was, the more sleep they have, the more they need). See if DS can dress himself as a challenge.

Basically fight as few battles as possible, then you will win the war.

Oh my god that must be hell for all of you, just let them do whatever , don’t get them dressed and put the tv on for as long as you can. Is your husband there can’t you take it in turns to have alone time upstairs ? Take his dinner away if he keeps throwing it or being silly , maybe he’s not hungry if he has covid ? They are always worse when ill and super whingey. Order some new toys on amazon??

“ Try not telling them off unless it's essential. Just totally ignore mild to moderate misbehaving.”

Also this !!

This is the hardest time and it sounds like you just hate this age/stage they are at. This is fine, your not going to love all stages of parenting. I hated the baby phase with a passion, they are relentless and boring. I found just admitting this to myself and just telling myself soon enough she will be older and at a better age that I will enjoy. When they're kicking off, imagine them older, fully toilet trained and getting dressed by themselves. It doesn't make it easier but somehow it got me through the most hated stage, knowing and hoping that better and easier times are coming.
Also pick your battles. Don't force feed, if he doesn't eat then don't force him and let him be hungry, he will soon learn that he needs to eat when it's offered. Same goes with the coat, if they don't want to put it on then let them be cold. They will want it on if they're cold enough. Sometimes at this age they just want to have control and be part of the decision. So offer a choice, would you like to put your pants on or shall I. Give them a minute then if they don't choose, put them on. Then be consistent

How has today been, OP? Getting closer to the 10 day point.

@Opus17 glad to be of service!

Won't get dressed- so you go in PjS. Oh, you're cold? Right, well then. Should have got dressed, inside we go.
Stop arguing with him, praise the good.
How is no nap time story a good consequence? doesn't set the next stage off to a good start.
Won't tidy up? Make it a game/ a race/ be a digger. Or just pick your bloody battles. It is not the end of the world if they don't tidy up several times a day.

@GrendelsGrandma today has been so much better, thank you. Partially because DS is testing negative so the end is in sight.

I don't think I'm explaining myself very well. He comes upstairs happily to get dressed but then just goes silly. I also don't expect him to dress himself, but I do expect him to vaguely cooperate. So to get him to his room and then say 'OK let's not bother'would just be such a waste of energy (our house is 3 storey and victorian - 32 stairs is a long way to take a 3 year old!!!) Same as things like getting his shoes on - sometimes he just stands there totally inert (of course for the nanny he is totally self sufficient).

So I didn't even mention getting dressed today. It was fine and he was happy but it meant I forgot to brush his teeth. So we did it after lunch - cue major meltdown because 'he's not supposed to brush his teeth after lunch'.

Dd has been a lot happier too. Its also been warmer so they just needed coats in the garden rather than all in ones - much easier to get on and no tears from DD

@Harrysmummy246 I couldn't think of a better consequence at the time. They also only tidy once a day, before bed..not several times a day. But thanks.

Omg OP I'm so sorry, sounds like such a tough time! I am absolutely dreading isolating with my two for every reason you said!
Just want to tell you that you are absolutely not doing it wrong! I relate to pretty much everything you said, I feel like my children have been through every phase that you said, from what I've experienced and from what my friends and family have told me it sounds completely normal. My son is five and he is a complete nightmare when it comes to getting dressed. I absolutely dress the school morning and rush so much. If he's ina. Good mood he's slow but great but if he's unwell or upset he's an absolute nightmare! My youngest is 1 so the age gap is SO apparent, to make things more difficult im a single parent... what I'd give for an extra pair of hands!
Parenting is such a mixture of absolute highs and lows. I wouldn't swap my boys or life for anything, but it can be so so hard!
I agree with a PP who said just get out as much as you can. Lots of fresh air and time away from the home. Everything you're struggling with will pass, it does get better ♥️♥️♥️

Glad today has gone better OP!

Kids have no sense of why they should get dressed and do teeth etc. Following the same routine helps set expectations but if they think it's dull, they won't do it out of obligation. They're basically little psychopaths, don't expect them to care about your feelings.

So you go in the room and he says he won't get dressed. With my DC if I have time I let them lounge around a bit for maybe five minutes because they often get hyper when undressing. Then we play a game (who can get dressed fast enough etc) or start reading a book but they have to put something on per page. I've mastered the art of helping them dress while reading! Mine also have a bit of telly once dressed and teeth brushed, so it's a bit of a daily bribe.

If you wanted to do the natural consequence thing, you'd strip him off then take the clothes with you and say ok, we'll put them on when you're cold. They do sometimes call your bluff though!

Once they start school, not getting dressed isn't an option so it's good to set expectations, mine are always dressed each day but I know some people do it differently.

You're frustrated because you feel your DS is controlling things and setting the pace. You always have leverage. You can't force him to do things but you can say if you do X, I do y.

It might also help to explain isolation if you haven't already? Does he understand what's going on and that this isn't forever?

Take clothes downstairs with you in the morning so you haven't got to go up 3 flights to get dressed. I never threaten to remove story before sleep because they're so wedded to their routine - it has to be teeth, story, bed - i only threaten things I'm prepared to follow through on and the tantrums that result if i threaten to remove story time is. Not. Worth. It! Like someone else says, ignore or distract low level misbehaviour, or praise the other child to bring the misbehaving one back in line.

I tried brining clothes down but he us so wedded to his routine be had a total meltdown

@GrendelsGrandma everything you've said is bang on. That's exactly why I feel so frustrated.

@TheGoldenWolfFleece I've never ever threatened story before but it was all I could think of. I did follow through because I knew I had to - he punished me by not napping!! But he wasn't distraught.

I do praise - to the absolute hilt. But I'm also short tempered and I can lack patience. I think I'm scared of not being strict enough so I try to control a lot. I do need to let him be sillier which I've tried today more. He's also getting more imaginative which is lovely, today he acted out superworm with some toys which was v cute

I think you’ve already identified that 1) your DS loves and thrives on routine and struggles with transition and 2) you’re human and get frustrated when - even with your best efforts - you can’t maintain an ideal in the face of a preschooler who’s out of routine!

Nanny is routine- right?
So makes perfect sense that this period of fucking Covid isolation has made your preschooler more angsty, and you too in response.

Youngest DD is just 100% age-related attention span!

I suspect bring a teacher makes it worse - you’ve got high expectations of your capabilities in crowd control coupled with high guilt over the idea of failing at enriching experiences…

I’m totally here to say you’re doing great but also that some 3 year olds are more challenging than others! Some grow out of it and some grow into it and it’s personality or because they’re neurodiverse. It doesn’t matter right now - but it’s not you!

Again absolutely bang on analysis @NoSquirrels - thank you for being so helpful!

Omg it's February!! I can!!!!

It's not much, but all the best and positivity, and it's worth it in the long term.

Thanks everyone, this has been really helpful.

I think that one thing that adds to the stress is that DH is home a lot and we have so many 'operational' conversations. 'You take her to x and ill do y' 'can you get them a snack now' 'DD needs a thick coat' etc.. and when the kids are loud and DS never stops tasking that becomes hard work. I don't know how we can improve communication.

I'm not sure what you mean about improving communication - it sounds from the snippet you just said that you're both working together to sort the kids out and that's great. Maybe I've misunderstood. If you feel like that's all you talk about what do you do in the evenings when kids are in bed? Can you have more meaningful conversations then?