Am I teaching my son too early?

[MamaJBW]

My DS is 5 years old and started school last august. We've been asking consent from him as to who helps him wash his hair, dries him etc as he's getting older and I am his mum he might not be comfortable with it anymore but 9 times out of 10 he usually wants me. We've had the discussion about how his private area isn't for anyone to be touching (unless at the doctors for it), knows the proper name and also knows not to be touching any one else's too. Always taught manners also and he's good at using them. Now it's coming to the fact where I want him to have the choice over his own body such as haircuts, shower or bath, what's clothes etc. He is asked for cuddles and has every right to refuse and isn't made to feel bad. I just want him to know he's able to make choices that are safe like those mentioned before but what is niggling is how my DH reacted whilst I was asking our DS about having his haircut. He said he needs to have it cut right back but DS asked for scissor trim only and I think that's up to him now to decide as he is older. Also explained that if he does leave it to grow it will get longer and might need to put it up in a bobble to keep him from being too hot at times and he decided he didn't want that so has asked for a trim. My DH scoffed and said you should just tell them how to cut it..... it's annoyed me as I'm building all these foundations so he can learn consent and independence at a safe pace and my DH thinks I shouldn't as he is still too young. Sorry for the long read I'm just frustrated and worried I'm overloading his 5yo brain now.... thank you xxxxx

Just give him the scissors cut and say that means you'll need to leave less time before the next cut, to stop it going overgrown.
No need to think about ponytails already.

Mind you, to save you the stress just plonk him into a barbers chair and blame them for how it turns out. Give yourself a break!

It sounds like you're massively overthinking things tbh! Letting him choose his haircut isn't going to teach him any massive life lessons not will telling him what he's getting stunt his emotional development.

Most kids start to display preferences and have a say in things at that age, it's normal.

Sometimes they need guidance to make the right choice though as they don't always fully understand the outcome.

He is 5 years old. Body safety is one thing. Consent and independence over his entire life is something else.
Hair cuts -- it's time to get one, let's head for the barber.
Clothing choices -- it's snowing outside, you can't wear your swim trunks.
Food choices -- mac and cheese with a side of mac and cheese is not a balanced meal.
What are you going to say when he does not "consent" to go to bed or to go to school or to get a bath?

I'm with your DH.

Children have parents for a reason. Not so they can be mini adults at 5.

Sorry, op, but you're taking this way too far. He's five, he needs guidance and direction. You do not allow a five year old to run the show.

It's all a bit intense op. Extremes in anything are usually not healthy. Just crack on with the haircut and stop worrying. Agree with pp that you need to be the parent.

@JasmineGarden

I'm with your DH.

Children have parents for a reason. Not so they can be mini adults at 5.

Totally agree. You are the adult and his parent. Act like it.

I don’t see any problem with him choosing a (reasonable) haircut. Mine have sometimes chosen a specific one from the book/to look like someone even from a young age. I did have them all keep relatively short hair until they were able to brush and tie it independently because I don’t need to be fighting about brushing and plaiting hair every morning.

It seems like you’re quite anxious about all of it though. There’s no need to be having a kerfuffle over every time you touch him - great to make him aware of his body and his comfort and not force him into affection etc and fine for him to choose his own haircut but it seems OTT to be saying ‘ok can mummy wash your hair or does it need to be daddy?’

Because you’re not really asking his consent. It needs to be done so you’re just asking him to choose who to do it. It just sounds a bit over the top.

But yeah don’t really see an issue with him saying can I have x haircut as long as it’s not Hawk from Cobra Kai or a diy with kid scissors job.

Let him grow and develop at his own pace, whilst I applaud developing independence you need to remember that there will be times when you will have to be the parent and make decisions for him.

Teaching consent and autonomy is fantastic but that doesn't mean five year olds get to choose everything. It should be an ongoing process right through to adulthood. Too much choice and responsibility can be hard for children they need boundaries to feel safe. Scissor hair cut is fine but if you don't want him to have longer hair cut it sooner. I think asking for cuddles etc is a great way to teach consent. Bathing I get where your coming from but tbh he is a bit young to be embarrassed in from of mum plus sometimes only one parent is there.

Sorry this all seems a bit barmy - he's 5. Asking for cuddles!? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it can be very overwhelming being given a lot of choice, especially if it's about things he hasn't really thought about, such as a cuddle or haircut. At 5, your biggest decisions should be what to play with, not whether to have a scissor cut or not! I think this approach could actually cause some damage by not absorbing some if the decision- making which children actually want taken from them. When they are ready, they will say. My boys go to the barber on their own and tell him what they want, probably started around 10-11yo (within school rules!). There will always be things they have to work around too and decisions not only made on 'what do I want'? It's part of growing up to learn all of this when it's appropriate.

I think you’re putting an awful lot of responsibility on tiny shoulders.

Consent to touching maybe but making him decide everything from who washes his hair, what clothes he wears even how he has his hair cut is incredibly overwhelming for one so little, take the pressure off him he shouldn’t have to have this responsibility that’s your job I’m afraid.

Kids like and need boundaries. You are giving him too much free reign, he is five and now living with with pressure to make the correct choices that you approve of. There are rules in school and later in the work places, he needs to learn to adhere to those as well as free choice. I still tell my 15yo shes not going out in certain outfits.

Don't ask for consent if you don't mean it. If someone needs to wash his hair then you need to tell him that is happening. Not ask if you can and then do it anyway.

I think you are way ott on this too, sorry.
Privacy and consent comes naturally as they grow up and you teach them independence and life skills.

I think it’s good you’re concerned about these issues as children can grow up thinking they just have to accept everything and not voicing issues. I was like that as a teenager. I had a negative time at school and when later asked why I didn’t ask to change class or school I realised it never occurred to me as I had just accepted that I didn’t have any agency over such things.

I do think though that you might be going too far. Generally children at 5 will voice their dislike. If they don’t want to hug someone for example they’ll say.

I have to agree with the majority here. Its too much choice for such a young child and is likely to dilute the message you are trying to instill.
We are parents for a reason, our job is to guide our children. Teaching consent is good but they need guidance on haircuts, appropriate dress etc as at that age children don't have the capacity to weigh up information and consequences.

@GeorgiaGirl52

He is 5 years old. Body safety is one thing. Consent and independence over his entire life is something else. Hair cuts -- it's time to get one, let's head for the barber. Clothing choices -- it's snowing outside, you can't wear your swim trunks. Food choices -- mac and cheese with a side of mac and cheese is not a balanced meal. What are you going to say when he does not "consent" to go to bed or to go to school or to get a bath?

This

The Theory is fine but you are applying it in an extreme OTT way

5 is not "older", he is a small child. Whilst it's good to think about these things, you do come across as achingly right on. He is too young to understand the consequences of some choices - you need to make them for him or you risk raising a little lord.

You are asking him to make decisions about things he has no comprehension about.

Be child-led - he'll let you know when he has opinions about haircuts.

You run the risk of him deciding he doesn't want to eat anything other than chocolate, do his homework or brush his teeth if he thinks he has control over everything.

He doesn't.

He’s five, he doesn’t choose everything

Children need to be given boundaries etc
And making choices is overwhelming at times for them

My son didn’t cut his hair at all until he was 6. I gritted my teeth an bit but ultimately a big nits outbreak meant I had to make him cut it or toes up for school.
To be fair I had that as a choice

Is this serious. My 5 year old woukdnt let anyone wash his hair and it woykd be filthy. He does as he is told as a 5 year old should! The world and people in it are going crazy!

You need to parent appropriately. It's absolutely right to teach small children that they have bodily autonomy over some things eg they don't have to allow an adult to kiss them if they don't want. But you also need to take some decisions for them in order to keep them safe and healthy. So you need to direct choices around what your son eats, what he wears etc, and override him if needed.

He is 5, not 15.