Am I teaching my son too early?

[MamaJBW]

My DS is 5 years old and started school last august. We've been asking consent from him as to who helps him wash his hair, dries him etc as he's getting older and I am his mum he might not be comfortable with it anymore but 9 times out of 10 he usually wants me. We've had the discussion about how his private area isn't for anyone to be touching (unless at the doctors for it), knows the proper name and also knows not to be touching any one else's too. Always taught manners also and he's good at using them. Now it's coming to the fact where I want him to have the choice over his own body such as haircuts, shower or bath, what's clothes etc. He is asked for cuddles and has every right to refuse and isn't made to feel bad. I just want him to know he's able to make choices that are safe like those mentioned before but what is niggling is how my DH reacted whilst I was asking our DS about having his haircut. He said he needs to have it cut right back but DS asked for scissor trim only and I think that's up to him now to decide as he is older. Also explained that if he does leave it to grow it will get longer and might need to put it up in a bobble to keep him from being too hot at times and he decided he didn't want that so has asked for a trim. My DH scoffed and said you should just tell them how to cut it..... it's annoyed me as I'm building all these foundations so he can learn consent and independence at a safe pace and my DH thinks I shouldn't as he is still too young. Sorry for the long read I'm just frustrated and worried I'm overloading his 5yo brain now.... thank you xxxxx

liveforsummer, I mean, she's been choosing her clothes and haircuts since she was about 2, she ought to be some sort of terror by now. The worst I can come up with is occasionally asking for help with a plait. It's not exactly the self centred horror that was pictured.

A discussion with DH is needed where you explain your reasons and come to an agreement on what you both want moving forward.

Op I do agree with allowing them to make certain decisions. The ones you talk about like which hat, which pyjamas etc we have given to our DD since he was about 3, they are irrelevant to us, but it allows him to think and weigh up choices, have choices explained to them "do you really want a sun visor hat on when there's no sun out" sort of scenario.

But some decisions are just not his to make, I think if his hair is becoming messy, unmanageable and it needs cutting, then yes, the statement is "your hair needs cutting, which of these 5 cuts do you want" he gets a choice but out of what's necessary.
I actually asked our DS if he wanted his cutting before Christmas, he didn't he said but wanted it cutting again once he started back at school, (4.5 years) so that's fine as it's not a necessity yet, but when it is, it is he will be advised it's happening and asked to choose his style of choice within reason)

Wow I actually find this really upsetting and feel anger about this. Have you had a bad experience OP? Consent is one thing but this is too far for a 5 year old

Reminder: this is about a 5 yr old choosing between a short scissors cut and a buzz cut. Very much within the minor choice among acceptable options territory.

This is OTT. The only comment that’s acceptable is telling him that it’s not okay for others to touch his private area. He is 5, not 10. YOU and dh make the decision on when and how ds is bathed and how he has his hair cut.

Thank you again for replying I'm guessing consent wasn't the right word choice but my brain is working overdrive. He gets told he needs to wash and gets his hair washed but give him the option of shower or bath, mummy or daddy. I am realising I can be overthinking a lot but that will be down to my horrible experience and of course don't want my DS to feel uncomfortable but can be making him feel so by overwhelming him. He is my only child and I just want to make his life as good as I can x

What will you do though when changing after swimming and only you there for example and dc deco design he's not comfortable and wants daddy.

Massively overthinking it

This is like that thread where OP was going to give her toddler ‘bodily autonomy’ cards to hand out to anyone who tried to touch him 😂

Oh gosh I remember that

I think you are overthinking and being a bit OTT about this, tbh. Your partner is probably just frustrated about that as his views are more in line with how most people would treat a five year old.

With hair I've always said if a child isn't willing to do the upkeep required for longer hair, including brushing it daily without kicking up a fuss, then they need to have it cut shorter. I don't think giving them choice about everything is necessarily a good thing, unless they're also raised to be mature about those choices.

Jesus Christ.

I think this is an interesting topic as it's something we think about too.
I think the tricky bit is getting the balance for age appropriate and also for child vs adult needs.
I think a key idea is to model consent in all its complexity rather than going for a formalised simplified approach. The fundamental concept is that you should only do something to someone else if you think (to a reasonable level of certainly) they personally would want that. Obviously for strangers that would be asking and confirming, but for family you have a good idea in most cases. As with anything, you will mess up and it's essential to model repairing things, rather than denying the other person's autonomy.
Regarding choices is all about noticing which things they are interested in deciding and let them choose, and vice versa for things they don't care about.
My son was choosing his bedtime book from two options since he was able to indicate a preference, but he still can't successfully choose what he wants for dinner at 2.5 years old. But that's ok, when he's ready w will be looking out and let him have a choice(again within boundaries)
Good luck on it as it's important and not easy!

Oh dear your are micro managing your child's life. No doubt he will be confused and suffocated by all these choices. They don't need them. You are the parent you make the choices. As long as you have his best interests at heart he will be fine. When you have other children you don't have time to think about every little detail.

It's all very well giving a child choices, but they have to be aware that they don't always get a choice (and able to deal with those situations). School is going to be very difficult for a start.

I would suggest homeschooling him if this is the choice you want him to have. Sometimes at school he’ll have to learn he’s not at the centre of things and it’s not all about him! This will be a shock if he’s used to picking and choosing what he does.
I’m a teacher and have come across children like this and often they are strong willed children (I mean this positively) but they struggle massively with just falling in line as we all have to.

@MamaJBW

Thank you again for replying I'm guessing consent wasn't the right word choice but my brain is working overdrive. He gets told he needs to wash and gets his hair washed but give him the option of shower or bath, mummy or daddy. I am realising I can be overthinking a lot but that will be down to my horrible experience and of course don't want my DS to feel uncomfortable but can be making him feel so by overwhelming him. He is my only child and I just want to make his life as good as I can x

You sound like a lovely Mum but sometimes life has to be boring, imperfect for us to appreciate good things properly.

As a parent you make some decisions because you should know better than a 5 year old. Would you let him play on a busy road because he want to do that? It's fine telling a child that certain areas are private and so on and if they are unsure about anything like this they should check with you, not to have secrets with other adults, not to go with strangers to see puppies and so on. But this is a level of autonomy that is far beyond that. Can he choose to eat just junk food for dinner if he wants? Does he choose his own bedtime? What if a doctor or dentist is having to do something quite unpleasant like injections etc?