Am I teaching my son too early?

[MamaJBW]

My DS is 5 years old and started school last august. We've been asking consent from him as to who helps him wash his hair, dries him etc as he's getting older and I am his mum he might not be comfortable with it anymore but 9 times out of 10 he usually wants me. We've had the discussion about how his private area isn't for anyone to be touching (unless at the doctors for it), knows the proper name and also knows not to be touching any one else's too. Always taught manners also and he's good at using them. Now it's coming to the fact where I want him to have the choice over his own body such as haircuts, shower or bath, what's clothes etc. He is asked for cuddles and has every right to refuse and isn't made to feel bad. I just want him to know he's able to make choices that are safe like those mentioned before but what is niggling is how my DH reacted whilst I was asking our DS about having his haircut. He said he needs to have it cut right back but DS asked for scissor trim only and I think that's up to him now to decide as he is older. Also explained that if he does leave it to grow it will get longer and might need to put it up in a bobble to keep him from being too hot at times and he decided he didn't want that so has asked for a trim. My DH scoffed and said you should just tell them how to cut it..... it's annoyed me as I'm building all these foundations so he can learn consent and independence at a safe pace and my DH thinks I shouldn't as he is still too young. Sorry for the long read I'm just frustrated and worried I'm overloading his 5yo brain now.... thank you xxxxx

Do you over think everything to this extent OP?

Not for consent to cut their hair overall or for weather appropriate clothing choices etc, that should be a lot later on. Washing is necessary so I don't ask for consent for that but do explain where I'm going to wash and that it's necessary. There isn't a choice who does it at the moment but that will change in a few years, at the moment, it's usually DH as bath time is still bonding time to chat about their days.

I do agree that asking opinion is OK as I'm accepting my child has one and is heard. I often say to my child before a haircut, "shall we trim it or do you want it shorter?" Unless there's a medical reason why it should be a particular way then that really is a style choice that she has to be happy and walk around with. The same goes with clothing, there is no point getting something if in a week's time she says it's for babies and refuses to wear it.

Consent for physical touch like hugs or explaining if something needed to be applied in a private area for a medical reason is important at this age already. I've explained about people's body boundaries and it starts out with explaining about hugs not being guaranteed and our right to say no/not want something. It helped explain about a child with Autism at school not liking physical touch.

I am all for giving my DC choice if a relative wants a hug and actively ask if my child wants to hug them. If not I say, "Sorry, she's said no." A quick glance at my child and give her an option, "A hi 5 or a wave perhaps?" If we keep pushing the narrative that you have to hug that weird relative you don't want to because they've come up to you and done it without your consent, I feel it does extend elsewhere.

Perhaps my focus on consent comes from previous childhood trauma but I don't think it's harmful if done tactfully. We have this book and some of it is too advanced so we picked out bits we agreed with, perhaps you and your DH could speak about it beforehand - www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1925089185/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_K25NBKJXSFQVMM0F8S6H?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Sorry to say but I'm another one who agrees with your husband. You're overloading him, he's 5 years old.

Do you have younger children? Is there some reason you’re viewing your five year old as ‘older’?

You're over complicating
Yes it's good to ask consent for hugs and kisses. No it's not necessary to ask him which parent he wants to give him a bath and no he shouldn't have final say over his haircut at 5!

It depends how this is done. If you are asking everytime before a hug it feels a little over the top. If you ask for a cuddle and your da says no then that's fine to be happy with the answer and say ok
Choice of clothes. I read that as more teaching indepence I will ask dd at 5 to go and get ready and if we are at home she can choose, if we are going out we will choose together and I will give a choice of 2. If school then its uniform no choice.
I dont discuss type of haircut particularly just say it's time to get your haircut. If dd says no we will discuss why its needed but it's a discussion not a flat out decision just by her (otherwise she would want pink and blue mermaid hair )

Bloody hell he's five you will have him drawing his pension if it was up to you.
Let him be a child and stop letting him have the responsibility of everything, his body is one thing but haircuts ect are another thing.
Also if you don't have a bit of control at five how do you expect him to listen to you at fifteen. X

Consent for kisses/cuddles, absolutely yes.

Some degree of choice over hairstyle/clothes, yes. Eg, "do you want your hair Harry Styles or Justin Beiber"(probs not relevant these days but 2 of the styles my own dc has had). Or "would you like to wear the red or blue jumper today?"

I think letting him choose who bathes him sometimes is fine, but sometimes his preference might not be possible. Eg if Mummy is working late Daddy will have to do it.

You risk making this little boy anxious if you keep putting all these decisions on him. He’s 5 he doesn’t need this amount of independence. He needs you and his dad to just parent him and to make decisions for him. I’m sure your intentions are good, and I hear where you are coming from, but it’s too much too soon.

I think you're at least a couple of years off wanting privacy in the bath and if they need a parent they have to make do with what parent's on offer.

Hair cuts and clothes are in my opinion small harmless things they can make choices about. I would insist on neat and clean (so brushed and tied up if long) but beyond that mine were allowed to choose, and I remember having opinions and being allowed to choose too when I was 5 so it's hardly radical.

He's 5, this is way OTT and incredibly intense.

Let him be 5, you be the parent.

JasmineGarden

I'm with your DH.

Children have parents for a reason. Not so they can be mini adults at 5.“

This. All very worthy until he disagrees with you. If he wanted a blue Mohawk?

Absolutely batshit way of doing things! Your hubby is dead right.

I see where you’re coming from OP but I think you’re taking it much further than necessary for his age.

I try to model consent for kisses and hugs - not least because mine have had a tendency to hug/kids friends who haven’t wanted a hug/kiss. It doesn’t mean I ask every time as but if they’re in a grumpy mood I ask first, and I never demand hugs. Teaching that private parts are private is important.

Beyond that - I think it’s about picking battles, not putting the onus on the child to make the decisions. If they have a view about haircuts, fine to take it into account but you don’t need to force them to choose and you don’t have to go with what they say if there’s a good reason not to.

As for hair washing etc - sorry consent goes right out of the window there. I have to physically pin mine down to cut their nails, there’s no avoiding it!

Your child is 5 years old.just 5, you are his parent you as parents make his choices for him, you could potentially cause damage to your child, with the way you are acting.

Also your DH is being sexist. I assume he wouldn't insist a daughter had her hair clippered?
I'm really not sure why people think this is so unusual. Offering a couple of acceptable to you choices is how we manage toddlers never mind 5 yr olds. Would you like a bath or a shower? Short haircut or a ponytail? Perfect way of making them feel in control while also getting what we want i.e. clean neat child.

Way over the top!

He is going to end up as a spoilt bra, expecting to always get what he wants. Heaven help his poor teachers - do you really think they go round asking 30 kids for their preferences re maths or English lessons each day?
Making friends will be hard too if he expects to be consulted and get his choice on every issue.
Children need boundaries. Your job as a parent us too set those boundaries.

You are the parent.

It’s up to you to make good decisions for your child.

It's one thing encouraging body autonomy and consent regarding certain aspect of that. It's another thing entirely giving a child complete control over what they choose and what they consent to. Young children need guidance, not free reign. What happens when he doesn't consent to going to school? You'll have to force him. The same goes for bedtime, appropriate clothing etc.

I'm on the fence about haircuts, I think 5 is too young to be fully deciding what kind of haircut they want. Also some schools insist on a shorter cut for boys (don't entirely agree with that tbh but I do see the rationale), so once again it's a bit much just leaving the decision up to him. The same will go for school uniform, it's not something your DS can decide not to consent to!

He's 5. Too young imo to be given so much free reign.

I have to strongly disagree with the vast majority of the replies you're getting.

But you also need to take some decisions for them in order to keep them safe and healthy. ...Most of the things OP mentioned have nothing to do with safety or health. Hair length no difference at all to a boy's health or safety, otherwise girls would be getting clipper cuts too. The idea that boys should have their hair cut short despite their own preferences to grow it longer, seems very regressive.

I want him to have the choice over his own body such as haircuts, shower or bath, what's clothes etc. Okay, let's look at each of these examples:
Haircuts: literally make no difference to their wellbeing so let the child decide
Shower or bath: Parents' responsibility to make sure basic hygiene is maintained, but whenever it's practical, why not let the child decide whether they prefer a bath or a shower?
Which clothes: Parents' responsibility to make sure child is dressed appropriately for the weather conditions but in terms of wearing the monster top or the fire engine top, why not let the child decide?

Parenting is not all about exerting control over your children. You control the things that matter to their wellbeing and you let them have a say over the little things. You set boundaries (it's cold today, we can't go outside unless you've got a jumper on) but you let them have freedom within these boundaries (which jumper do you want to wear?). Of course, some kids aren't bothered which jumper they wear, and they're happy to just be provided with whatever you give them. In that case, there's no need to force them to make decisions constantly, but if they seem frustrated about having little control over their life, it can actually be a nice simple mood-booster to give them choice over little things.

Also if you don't have a bit of control at five how do you expect him to listen to you at fifteen. It's actually the opposite: if you exert control over insignificant things like haircuts age five, how do you expect him to respect your guidance about more important things age fifteen? It's pointlessly authoritarian, making it more likely that they'll see you as an adversary, more likely to invite power struggles, and less likely that they'll respect your decisions about other things that actually do matter.

You need to be careful you’re not giving him too much choice, it’s overwhelming for children. He’s only five! Yes it’s great to teach him about his own body but letting him make every decision for himself must be tiresome for a five year old and he really doesn’t need to decide everything, would you let him have ice cream for every meal if he asks?

OP has set boundaries. He has to wash (he can just choose bath or shower) etc. They do exactly the same in school. Choose yourself a reading book from the yellow box. Boundary set, choice within boundary.

@thirdfiddle

OP has set boundaries. He has to wash (he can just choose bath or shower) etc. They do exactly the same in school. Choose yourself a reading book from the yellow box. Boundary set, choice within boundary.

Yes this exactly. It's all within boundaries. He needs to wash so would he rather bath or shower. It's cold outside which hat do you want to wear, it's bedtime what jammies do you want it's things like that I give him choice with. As for meals I give what we are eating or he can have something else if he doesn't like what we have. As for any unsafe decisions it's my place and his dads place we are still being parents but little decisions are his within reason. I think I am overcompensating sometimes though as unfortunately I was groomed from a young age and then assaulted by someone who I thought was family so I could be overdoing it trying to make sure he never feels uncomfortable.

Thank you for all the replies and help xx

Clearly in the minority here but we give choices to our 4 year (preschooler) throughout the day and have done for about 18 months. We started to reduce the tantrums and it works so I'm sticking with it. It doesn't matter at all whether he wears the red t-shirt or the blue t-shirt so he might as well pick the one he wants to wear - I tell him what he needs to wear (in terms of layers/warmth) and he picks his clothes from there. He doesn't need a bath every day at the moment as it's cold and he's not playing in the dirt as much as in the summer so it's no odds if he has a bath or just a wash for a couple of days. If he's upset, I ask him if he'd like a cuddle, when we leave a relative's house we ask if he'd like to give a kiss and cuddle - some times he does, sometimes he doesn't, it's fine either way.