I feel like a really really crap mum, how can I get more confident?

[snapfishjelliedeels]

So I have a 12 year old DS, it's just me and him, I've always been super friendly and extroverted and he's always been really introverted. I feel like we're so different that I don't understand him and don't know how to make him happy.

I suggest going here, there, lovely family days out, he never wants to go anywhere. He doesn't want to play games with me, watch movies with me, isn't bothered about food, barely eats. Isn't interested in friends, doesn't want to go to sports or creative clubs, doesn't want to sit and talk to me.

I would literally try anything, certainly stuff I have no interest in to find him a hobby he loves or even a programme he loves but he's generally not interested in anything. He's been like this for a long time before anyone mentions all teenagers are like this, he was like this at 5, it's his personality.

But I just feel like I'm the wrong parent for him, I can't relate to him, I can't understand him, I can't make him happy. I get frustrated and upset, I always thought because I was so loving and fun I'd make a great mum but every single day I'm faced with the fact that I'm not doing a good job and someone else could deal with him far better.

I thought being a parent would fulfill me but I just dread thinking about years ahead of this empty helpless feeling that I'm just a failure of a mum who just doesn't understand what I'm supposed to do. I can't see him leaving home, just being in his bedroom, a bit of moping around, then back up again. It breaks my heart.

Over time I'm getting more down in the dumps, I never thought motherhood would be like this. I prepared myself for a child with serious health issues, naughty behaviour etc but I just never in a million years thought I would have this helpless failing feeling day after day, year after year.

What the bloody hell am I supposed to do???

Come on, there loads and loads of really good mums on this forum, tell me what I'm doing wrong. What I should be doing instead!

I’m sure you are not failing.

Appreciate your son for who he is, not who you want him to be.

Do you know he’s unhappy, or has he just got a quiet personality?

You sound mildly depressed - is it worth speaking to the doctor? Are other things getting you down also?

I guarantee you that it's nothing you've 'done', it sounds like that's the way he is.

When you say he doesn't want to go anywhere, do you try taking him, or just leave him to it? Just wonderinf what happens/would happen if you took him out?

Does he have much independence to do stuff on his own,or would he not be interested in that either?

I think I am depressed, it's really worn me down, years and years it's been like this. I do love him, we're all different, but I can't make him happy, like I can't go and buy something in the shop that will definitely make him smile, he's not interested in much. Or take him somewhere where he really wants to go, give him an experience he'll never forget.

This quiet non interest is the opposite of me and I just end up feeling so sad. Why can I not make my child happy?

@Echobelly

I guarantee you that it's nothing you've 'done', it sounds like that's the way he is.

When you say he doesn't want to go anywhere, do you try taking him, or just leave him to it? Just wonderinf what happens/would happen if you took him out?

Does he have much independence to do stuff on his own,or would he not be interested in that either?

When he was younger I would try to take him but I've learnt over the years, if he says no (which he says to pretty much everything) I just leave it.

Has he always been this way or has he changed. He is pre-teen so disinterest in parent to be expected. Despite how you feel, you are his one and only mum and I’m sure he knows it. We are our own worst critics.

As long as you are there for him, show him love and attention everything else will come together.

@Echobelly

I guarantee you that it's nothing you've 'done', it sounds like that's the way he is.

When you say he doesn't want to go anywhere, do you try taking him, or just leave him to it? Just wonderinf what happens/would happen if you took him out?

Does he have much independence to do stuff on his own,or would he not be interested in that either?

In terms of independence, he won't go out, to see friends or just to the shops. He did when he was about 6 or 7 a little bit, just to a friends over the road (cul de sac) but he never bothers with anyone now. He has no reason to go to the shops or anywhere because he's not interested in anything there.

I can imagine how sad this feels, you just want to share time and it sounds hard to connect. What do you think he feels about your relationship? How do you think he sees you?

@Nostrings457

Has he always been this way or has he changed. He is pre-teen so disinterest in parent to be expected. Despite how you feel, you are his one and only mum and I’m sure he knows it. We are our own worst critics.

As long as you are there for him, show him love and attention everything else will come together.

He's always been like this. So I guess he'll probably always be like this. His personality is just hard for me to accept. I know I can't change him.

Do I become more like him and just stay quiet all the time? Maybe if I don't try, and just accept that the fun and loving family I wanted to crate will never happen. I think I just need to mourn that and accept we as a small family will be quiet and introverted and stay indoors and not dish us things, unless he eventually changes. Which he won't because he's been like this for years.

What does he do in his spare time?

@Heruka

I can imagine how sad this feels, you just want to share time and it sounds hard to connect. What do you think he feels about your relationship? How do you think he sees you?

Like he's just existing, probably quite happily. And I'm getting upset because I want him to be different.

This is the problem, I just can't relate to him.

Accepting him as he is means me toning down my character and what I wanted for my life.

He's in control of our life, we do things how he likes, because he won't be anything except what he is.

So my life becomes more and more lifeless to accommodate him.

Should I just leave him to it and do my own hobbies which make me happy? It means he'll be more and more and more alone.

@user1493494961

What does he do in his spare time?

He scrolls on his phone. Won't talk about anything he's seen, anything that is funny or interests him.

@Flossieskeeper

What’s he like at school? Does he have friends at school? There can be nothing worse than having to look like your enjoying yourself even if you are actually enjoying yourself. It can really put a dampener on the occasion/outing.

But that said that level of disinterest doesn’t sound right.

He's got a couple of friends he hangs around with at school but they don't meet up after or even talk in the evenings.

What is he doing at the weekends? Gaming? Watching youtube?

Hi OP, so yes I would leave him to it. I think part of your job is to role model what life should be like - which I think is following your passions, working, contributing etc. As awful as it feels I think you need to take a big step back and do what makes you happy. Either he will start to move towards you or towards the things he likes or he won't but you can't control him - only yourself.

Sorry x post. Do you know what he is looking at on his phone?

@cormorantes

What is he doing at the weekends? Gaming? Watching youtube?

He lies in his bed. Scrolling. Gets up very late morning. Might shower, then just is either in his room or downstairs for a bit. Just quietly existing.

I agree with flossiekeeper. I have a similar child, reluctant to try or do anything, happy on their phone all day. But I force interaction and they do often engage, they enjoy going out when made to etc. Your do sounds so extreme and as if there may be something more?

@ponypinkie

Hi OP, so yes I would leave him to it. I think part of your job is to role model what life should be like - which I think is following your passions, working, contributing etc. As awful as it feels I think you need to take a big step back and do what makes you happy. Either he will start to move towards you or towards the things he likes or he won't but you can't control him - only yourself.

Ok, that sounds like good advice. I always wanted to chat and interact and go places because I want him to enjoy life. Now I'll follow my own interests, I need to bring a smile back to my own face.

You are definitely not a bad Mum, if you were you wouldn't be worried/trying to solve this at all.

Could you ask, in a non confrontational/just interested way, to see what he's looking at on his phone? I am trying to get interested in videos, on YouTube, of things getting crushed in industrial machinery , which my 12 year old seems to love. While we sit next to each other, watching the millionth pot of paint meeting its demise, he usually starts to open up about his day etc.

I read somewhere that talking, and listening to, reluctant/shy people was best done doing something side by side. For example going for a drive, washing up, looking into a fire, as it takes away the pressure of being face to face. Also not being afraid of the pauses. I tended to just keep talking, without appreciating that some people just take longer to answer/think about what they are saying.

Both my boys constantly say they don't want to go places. I quite often just take them and catch them secretly liking it when we get there. It sounds like you've tried this a million times and it must be so hard to want to do things and not feel you're able to.

I would totally start doing some things for yourself. You might inspire him when he sees you, he might not, but that's ok. He might need to come along so you can do it, but that's ok too and it might make you feel better too.

You sound like a great mum. Really lovely.

Have you spoken to his teachers about this? What do they say in his school reports?

What was he like before 5? Has he ever been cuddly? Like as a toddler? Xxx

@cormorantes

Sorry x post. Do you know what he is looking at on his phone?

He doesn't talk about it. Won't show me. I have parental controls on WiFi so I'm hoping it's not porn or anything. He plays games sometimes. The app type ones, like candy crush.

I think you should go to therapy and try to find a radically different way of looking at your life, because I think your current thinking is a bit awful tbh

You don't accept your son for who he is
You wish he was completely different
You think a life with him means having to be lifeless and depressed

You are making this all about you. You are placing responsibility for your own happiness on your son. He is not actually doing anything wrong, why is it so hard for you to accept him?

Kids aren't stupid, I'm sure he knows he is a disappointment to you, that is not going to encourage him to share things with you and try to find some common ground.

Go out and live your life, have fun, and figure out a way to not just love your son but like him. That is the only way things will change.