I feel like a really really crap mum, how can I get more confident?

[snapfishjelliedeels]

So I have a 12 year old DS, it's just me and him, I've always been super friendly and extroverted and he's always been really introverted. I feel like we're so different that I don't understand him and don't know how to make him happy.

I suggest going here, there, lovely family days out, he never wants to go anywhere. He doesn't want to play games with me, watch movies with me, isn't bothered about food, barely eats. Isn't interested in friends, doesn't want to go to sports or creative clubs, doesn't want to sit and talk to me.

I would literally try anything, certainly stuff I have no interest in to find him a hobby he loves or even a programme he loves but he's generally not interested in anything. He's been like this for a long time before anyone mentions all teenagers are like this, he was like this at 5, it's his personality.

But I just feel like I'm the wrong parent for him, I can't relate to him, I can't understand him, I can't make him happy. I get frustrated and upset, I always thought because I was so loving and fun I'd make a great mum but every single day I'm faced with the fact that I'm not doing a good job and someone else could deal with him far better.

I thought being a parent would fulfill me but I just dread thinking about years ahead of this empty helpless feeling that I'm just a failure of a mum who just doesn't understand what I'm supposed to do. I can't see him leaving home, just being in his bedroom, a bit of moping around, then back up again. It breaks my heart.

Over time I'm getting more down in the dumps, I never thought motherhood would be like this. I prepared myself for a child with serious health issues, naughty behaviour etc but I just never in a million years thought I would have this helpless failing feeling day after day, year after year.

What the bloody hell am I supposed to do???

@Flossieskeeper

What happens if you limit the phone?

Can he cope with doing normal stuff like food shopping? (There’s a limit to how much fun can be had there!)

I’d be tempted to get some input from the school and their take on him. I’m not convinced this is entirely mismatched personalities tbh.

He's not even bothered if I take the phone off him.

This is the thing, if I was his age, I would want my phone. He doesn't even care if I take it off him.

@dreamingbohemian

I think you should go to therapy and try to find a radically different way of looking at your life, because I think your current thinking is a bit awful tbh

You don't accept your son for who he is
You wish he was completely different
You think a life with him means having to be lifeless and depressed

You are making this all about you. You are placing responsibility for your own happiness on your son. He is not actually doing anything wrong, why is it so hard for you to accept him?

Kids aren't stupid, I'm sure he knows he is a disappointment to you, that is not going to encourage him to share things with you and try to find some common ground.

Go out and live your life, have fun, and figure out a way to not just love your son but like him. That is the only way things will change.

I really don't see how OP is making this about her! Quite the opposite!

@Flossieskeeper

What happens if you limit the phone?

Can he cope with doing normal stuff like food shopping? (There’s a limit to how much fun can be had there!)

I’d be tempted to get some input from the school and their take on him. I’m not convinced this is entirely mismatched personalities tbh.

He wouldn't go food shopping with me. Just stay in while I went. I don't try to force him now he's old enough to be in for an hour or so on his own,

I've been back and forward to the school. I can't get him tested at the doctors because the school don't support there's anything wrong. He's just quiet. He's like lower middle in the class. Just bit very visible to the teachers. Other kids are a handful and they see my DS as fairly compliant.

Have you tried talking to him about this situation? As in, do you know why he doesn’t want to see friends, try things etc. Why doesn’t he want to watch movies etc with you.

I wonder if has felt a lot of pressure from you around how he should be, and deals with that by withdrawing. Like the things he feels are not acceptable to you, so he learned not to show them to you. These dynamics can be played out subtly from a young age without you knowing it is happening. No judgement. I like to remember the idea of being in a relationship with my child, as opposed to the idea of ‘parenting’ - changes the feel - less of something I do to them and more ‘who am I in this relationship and who are they’

It’s hard to advise without lots more detail but I wonder if there’s a halfway house between leaving him to it and being the adult who has certain expectations about what he does and what’s best for him. I suspect the leaving him to it would likely come naturally with a bit more respect for his differences. You said he’s probably happy as he is - can you try to understand this more. You don’t have to be like him to understand, just observe, ask and listen, be genuinely curious. Again no judgement from me. I am always working on not recoiling with ‘how could you possibly think that way’ with my DH, his mind at times is so alien to me. I think when I find myself judging, that’s the time to be humble and ask more questions, really work to understand him. As I write that I wonder is there some issue about the sex difference and him being a boy? What is his dad like and how do you feel about him?

But also I don’t think you should allow him to decide everything. There is a place for ‘I am the parent and I decide we need some fresh air’ etc. Disclaimer: I have not yet had a full time relationship with a 12 year old so can’t attest to how easy or not this is but I think in theory, 12 yr olds need and even want this taking charge from their parents.

@bookworm1982

You sound like a great mum. Really lovely.

Have you spoken to his teachers about this? What do they say in his school reports?

What was he like before 5? Has he ever been cuddly? Like as a toddler? Xxx

Also, hope you don't mind me asking, but has there ever been any mention of your son being on the spectrum?

@DustyOwl

You are definitely not a bad Mum, if you were you wouldn't be worried/trying to solve this at all.

Could you ask, in a non confrontational/just interested way, to see what he's looking at on his phone? I am trying to get interested in videos, on YouTube, of things getting crushed in industrial machinery , which my 12 year old seems to love. While we sit next to each other, watching the millionth pot of paint meeting its demise, he usually starts to open up about his day etc.

I read somewhere that talking, and listening to, reluctant/shy people was best done doing something side by side. For example going for a drive, washing up, looking into a fire, as it takes away the pressure of being face to face. Also not being afraid of the pauses. I tended to just keep talking, without appreciating that some people just take longer to answer/think about what they are saying.

Both my boys constantly say they don't want to go places. I quite often just take them and catch them secretly liking it when we get there. It sounds like you've tried this a million times and it must be so hard to want to do things and not feel you're able to.

I would totally start doing some things for yourself. You might inspire him when he sees you, he might not, but that's ok. He might need to come along so you can do it, but that's ok too and it might make you feel better too.

I don't force him to come along, far too many 'lovely enjoyable days' completely spoiled because he's not interested, doesn't want to do the activity, eat the food, watch the film, go on a walk. And I don't catch him secretly enjoying things, it would be a major breakthrough if he did secretly like something. That's a level of desire I couldn't even imagine in him. He's like quiet and emotionless and uninterested.

@dreamingbohemian

I think you should go to therapy and try to find a radically different way of looking at your life, because I think your current thinking is a bit awful tbh

You don't accept your son for who he is
You wish he was completely different
You think a life with him means having to be lifeless and depressed

You are making this all about you. You are placing responsibility for your own happiness on your son. He is not actually doing anything wrong, why is it so hard for you to accept him?

Kids aren't stupid, I'm sure he knows he is a disappointment to you, that is not going to encourage him to share things with you and try to find some common ground.

Go out and live your life, have fun, and figure out a way to not just love your son but like him. That is the only way things will change.

This really rings true. I probably do need therapy.

How long has he had his phone?
Did you ever limit his phone use?
What would happen if you removed his phone?
Do you check his phone?

I agree you should look after your own happiness first, indulge yourself by taking up a new hobby, join a class etc etc. I'd also check his phone occasionally, so you know what hes searching for, watching, messages, just to check all is ok with his online world. It's probably fine, but I'd check.

Do you eat together? In front of tv? Maybe find a series you watch together at dinner time or bedtime. Friends maybe? It's rated 12. Or if you eat at the table together but struggle for conversation maybe suggest you both read books while you eat. No pressure.

I think you sound like a lovely concerned Mum.

@Heruka

Have you tried talking to him about this situation? As in, do you know why he doesn’t want to see friends, try things etc. Why doesn’t he want to watch movies etc with you.

I wonder if has felt a lot of pressure from you around how he should be, and deals with that by withdrawing. Like the things he feels are not acceptable to you, so he learned not to show them to you. These dynamics can be played out subtly from a young age without you knowing it is happening. No judgement. I like to remember the idea of being in a relationship with my child, as opposed to the idea of ‘parenting’ - changes the feel - less of something I do to them and more ‘who am I in this relationship and who are they’

It’s hard to advise without lots more detail but I wonder if there’s a halfway house between leaving him to it and being the adult who has certain expectations about what he does and what’s best for him. I suspect the leaving him to it would likely come naturally with a bit more respect for his differences. You said he’s probably happy as he is - can you try to understand this more. You don’t have to be like him to understand, just observe, ask and listen, be genuinely curious. Again no judgement from me. I am always working on not recoiling with ‘how could you possibly think that way’ with my DH, his mind at times is so alien to me. I think when I find myself judging, that’s the time to be humble and ask more questions, really work to understand him. As I write that I wonder is there some issue about the sex difference and him being a boy? What is his dad like and how do you feel about him?

But also I don’t think you should allow him to decide everything. There is a place for ‘I am the parent and I decide we need some fresh air’ etc. Disclaimer: I have not yet had a full time relationship with a 12 year old so can’t attest to how easy or not this is but I think in theory, 12 yr olds need and even want this taking charge from their parents.

His dad isn't around, he left when he was very young. Lives miles away, sends cards and money, visits once or twice a year. Only spends maybe four hours a year with him. He has a new family and they get his attention.

That's why I was happy to be everything for my son and make him feel wanted and loved and spoiled by me. I guess I'm just treating him as I would want to be treat.

@bookworm1982 yes I think he could be on the spectrum but I can't get him tested. The school don't support that idea. They think he's fine.

@bookworm1982 I was going to suggest the exact same thing.

OP, I wish I didn't know how you feel but I do. My son is very similar. He is autistic.

I have to accept my son is not going to change. I often think how sad I would be if my parents wished they could change me. I won't wish that for him.

Your son sounds safe, content and happy. How lovely that he can be himself at home. You're clearly doing a great job.

@GrazingSheep

How long has he had his phone? Did you ever limit his phone use? What would happen if you removed his phone? Do you check his phone?

Since starting to walk to school on his own at 10.

I do limit his phone, I keep it overnight. I'll take it off him through the day if it's over an hour he's been on it. He doesn't really care.

He's nearing 'Saturday job' age! I'd be insisting he gets one... It might change him up a bit, at the very least he'll be out the house embarking on responsibility, meeting new people. A change for him could be good for him and you.

@SorryPardonWhat

I agree you should look after your own happiness first, indulge yourself by taking up a new hobby, join a class etc etc. I'd also check his phone occasionally, so you know what hes searching for, watching, messages, just to check all is ok with his online world. It's probably fine, but I'd check.

Do you eat together? In front of tv? Maybe find a series you watch together at dinner time or bedtime. Friends maybe? It's rated 12. Or if you eat at the table together but struggle for conversation maybe suggest you both read books while you eat. No pressure.

I think you sound like a lovely concerned Mum.

We do eat together. I usually talk, I used to ask a lot of questions to get him to open up but I don't now. I just chat, he often doesn't say anything. Even if I ask him to answer, I don't make a big deal, I just leave it.

@SidSparrow

He's nearing 'Saturday job' age! I'd be insisting he gets one... It might change him up a bit, at the very least he'll be out the house embarking on responsibility, meeting new people. A change for him could be good for him and you.

Yes we've been over that one a few times. He's not interested in money, he doesn't want to buy anything. He just says 'I won't turn up' and he wouldn't, he wouldn't give two hoots if he let the shop owner down.

Kids need to want material things to want to get a job, or even have an interest in a career. His stock answer of ' I dunno' if I ask him anything about his future, what job he wants, where would he live, does he want to marry, have kids.

I'm sorry I was a bit harsh there OP. I don't think you are a terrible person or a terrible mother, all I could think was if your son ever read what you wrote, it would be absolutely devastating, e.g. he's such a disappointment you feel like you need to mourn the life you will never have.

It just feels like you are placing a lot of hope and expectations and wants upon him, you had a dream and you want him to step into that dream effortlessly, but he is just a child and he is not responsible for making you happy.

I think therapy might help you look at things differently so they don't seem so bleak.

And if you can back off a bit and be more obviously accepting of him, he might open up more. It's possible that the underlying cause of all this is that he has some kind of social anxiety or doesn't really want to leave the house, and he knows that showing enthusiasm for anything will lead to him being dragged out to things. If it becomes clear that there is no pressure to do things, he might start talking a bit more, and you will start to see some common ground.

@SidSparrow

He's nearing 'Saturday job' age! I'd be insisting he gets one... It might change him up a bit, at the very least he'll be out the house embarking on responsibility, meeting new people. A change for him could be good for him and you.

I do think that when he does start working, his character could change a bit then. It just feels like a long way off,

Good for you for doing your best. I do think that he needs a push once in a while, to stay healthy, get fresh air and interact socially.

I have a nephew that sounds similar. He was shy to the point of not wanting any interaction with others. I'm afraid that he now has social anxiety and hardly leaves the house. It must be very difficult, but please make sure you are not enabling him to become a recluse.

Do you think a pet might help? A small dog might force him out for walks, give him someone to talk to and bond with. As a single mum it might mean more work for you, so it would be a serious decision, but maybe something to think about.

[quote snapfishjelliedeels]@bookworm1982 yes I think he could be on the spectrum but I can't get him tested. The school don't support that idea. They think he's fine. [/quote]
But what if they're wrong? If your gut instinct is different to theirs, then it's your right as his mother to investigate further. Can't you go through your GP rather than the school? Xxx

Op you have every right to feel like this. I have two D.C. one is the same age and one is a boy. I work with kids. I know a vast number of boys and 12 year olds in various contexts.
What you describe is not my experience of any boys this age.
Yes plenty are quiet but they do have interests. Not all are sporty and sociable. Some are quiet and into more solo stuff. But they all have some level of interest in something.
Gaming, comics, science, music - something.
I think you need to see GP and explore childhood depression & autism / aspergers.

@massiveblob

Op you have every right to feel like this. I have two D.C. one is the same age and one is a boy. I work with kids. I know a vast number of boys and 12 year olds in various contexts. What you describe is not my experience of any boys this age. Yes plenty are quiet but they do have interests. Not all are sporty and sociable. Some are quiet and into more solo stuff. But they all have some level of interest in something. Gaming, comics, science, music - something. I think you need to see GP and explore childhood depression & autism / aspergers.

Couldn't agree more x

I feel so much sadness from your words @snapfishjelliedeels It’s so important to let ourselves feel sad without self judgement.

Far from “making it about you” it IS about you - at least 50% anyway! You sound like a lovely mum and you want something very, very natural, to enjoy fun things together with your child. Counselling could be something to look into to help you through this.

I wonder, do you think your son is happy? Would he engage in a conversation about the way he feels? There’s a profound “blankness” in the way you describe him.

@dreamingbohemian

I'm sorry I was a bit harsh there OP. I don't think you are a terrible person or a terrible mother, all I could think was if your son ever read what you wrote, it would be absolutely devastating, e.g. he's such a disappointment you feel like you need to mourn the life you will never have.

It just feels like you are placing a lot of hope and expectations and wants upon him, you had a dream and you want him to step into that dream effortlessly, but he is just a child and he is not responsible for making you happy.

I think therapy might help you look at things differently so they don't seem so bleak.

And if you can back off a bit and be more obviously accepting of him, he might open up more. It's possible that the underlying cause of all this is that he has some kind of social anxiety or doesn't really want to leave the house, and he knows that showing enthusiasm for anything will lead to him being dragged out to things. If it becomes clear that there is no pressure to do things, he might start talking a bit more, and you will start to see some common ground.

You're right that it sounds bad that I'm mourning what I'm missing out on. I hate to say it, it's how I feel. But I reckon about 95% of kids would go along with my plans. They're the same plans I see all the other families making.

I'm not creating something weird or whacky or niche, just 'let's go somewhere, let's have a nice time, let's eat something we like, let's do something we like.

But he doesn't want to, so we don't go to nice places, get fish and chips snd walk along that beach, go to the cinema to watch that film, indulge on some delicious cake, visit that place we heard was beautiful.

We'll stay in, and be quiet and out the telly on.

If we don't go out and he doesn't really talk, I don't have much company, life feels grey, like Groundhog Day, just quiet and dull.

@mdinbc

Good for you for doing your best. I do think that he needs a push once in a while, to stay healthy, get fresh air and interact socially.

I have a nephew that sounds similar. He was shy to the point of not wanting any interaction with others. I'm afraid that he now has social anxiety and hardly leaves the house. It must be very difficult, but please make sure you are not enabling him to become a recluse.

Do you think a pet might help? A small dog might force him out for walks, give him someone to talk to and bond with. As a single mum it might mean more work for you, so it would be a serious decision, but maybe something to think about.

He's not interested in animals and said he would never walk a dog. I might get one for me though, a dog would probably give me the little bit of love and excitement and appreciation that I feel is missing. Really good suggestion @mdinbc !