I feel like a really really crap mum, how can I get more confident?

[snapfishjelliedeels]

So I have a 12 year old DS, it's just me and him, I've always been super friendly and extroverted and he's always been really introverted. I feel like we're so different that I don't understand him and don't know how to make him happy.

I suggest going here, there, lovely family days out, he never wants to go anywhere. He doesn't want to play games with me, watch movies with me, isn't bothered about food, barely eats. Isn't interested in friends, doesn't want to go to sports or creative clubs, doesn't want to sit and talk to me.

I would literally try anything, certainly stuff I have no interest in to find him a hobby he loves or even a programme he loves but he's generally not interested in anything. He's been like this for a long time before anyone mentions all teenagers are like this, he was like this at 5, it's his personality.

But I just feel like I'm the wrong parent for him, I can't relate to him, I can't understand him, I can't make him happy. I get frustrated and upset, I always thought because I was so loving and fun I'd make a great mum but every single day I'm faced with the fact that I'm not doing a good job and someone else could deal with him far better.

I thought being a parent would fulfill me but I just dread thinking about years ahead of this empty helpless feeling that I'm just a failure of a mum who just doesn't understand what I'm supposed to do. I can't see him leaving home, just being in his bedroom, a bit of moping around, then back up again. It breaks my heart.

Over time I'm getting more down in the dumps, I never thought motherhood would be like this. I prepared myself for a child with serious health issues, naughty behaviour etc but I just never in a million years thought I would have this helpless failing feeling day after day, year after year.

What the bloody hell am I supposed to do???

What about a day at a theme park with his friends? Would he do that?

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

What about a day at a theme park with his friends? Would he do that?

He doesn't really socialise with them away from school. I've suggested he invites them over for tea, sleepovers etc, he just says he doesn't want to. I would love to get to know them! Again, I feel like I'm missing out on the mum experience, we could have been enmeshed in our community, meeting with different groups of friends. Different events etc. But he pushes it all away. Arghhhh I totally need therapy...

@sjxoxo

Another vote for a pet from me as long as you have the time and resources if he doesn’t get involved.

I don’t know about autism so can’t comment on that being a possibility but perhaps.

There must be something he find interesting- there must be.. it could be something very niche! I’d try and find it. Archeology? Space? Science? Warhammer? Something manual or crafty, painting figurines, collecting something, rock climbing, watching ice hockey, cinema, bowling… can you do as a pp does and sort of take him out without asking his permission first.. I would tag on an tester activity to a supermarket shop or something so he can’t refuse!

I do also agree that you are disappointed with his quiet character & that you deserve fulfilment yourself. Even if you were absolutely over the moon with the relationship you shared with your son, you still deserve fulfilment of your own! So yes pursue your own interests and try to accept he is not extroverted as you would ideally like. I’m sure he will pick up on your sentiments.

The other thing that stuck out to me was that his dad is busy with another family. If there are kids there then this for me would also be a possible reason as to why he maybe feels so withdrawn/shy or even inadequate.. that’s a strong word but I can see why a child would potentially feel that if their dad pretty much abandoned them yet had plenty of time for other children. Especially if there is closeness in age etc. Perhaps your son feels this dynamic of you trying to compensate for his other parent essentially rejecting him.. is that plausible? I can also see that with that possible scenario comes another feeling you haven’t mentioned - that he feels you have been hurt by his dad and he feels sad about that. Parents always try to do their all and give their all for the kids but I think often it’s forgotten that kids feel upset and distress when they know their parents have been hurt by someone. Maybe you could ask him how he feels about his dad and make it clear to him that you two aren’t the victims of abandonment. Maybe this links back to the idea of you being happy- perhaps seeing you happy would make him happier if he is worried for you. I think some boys feel very protective of their mums.

I can’t say for sure of course but these are a few things I wondered when I read your posts. I think you sound like a fabulous mum & shouldn’t be hard on yourself during this! Xo

Thanks @sjxoxo!!

His interests don't stick. It's a passing interest, briefly, then dropped. I've bought him so many toys over the years, so much was left unopened. He admits he's not bothered about 'stuff'. He doesn't see things in shops he desperately wants.

But a pet! I'm liking that idea a lot!

Even passing interests are good! In the last three years ive learnt DIY, sold stuff on Etsy, got a sewing machine, made scented candles.. 😄 now I have boxes of stuff I’m not sure I’ll ever touch again lol. But I enjoyed each of them to varying degrees! Also I find one passing hobby leads to another like after the candles I got really into aromatherapy and essential oils for a bit. It could start with something really simple like a tv series or a subscription to a magazine - doesn’t have to be a ‘material’ interest from a shop. Could he do any voluntary work- I don’t know if that’s possible at his age but maybe a kids charity or some sort of helping out somewhere with a group focus and a mix of people. You could maybe do that together and tell him you need his help and get him involved on a false pretense 😆

Xo

Even quiet and introverted people have interests and hobbies, the fact that he doesn't have any apart from his phone is a red flag for him being on the spectrum, especially when you say he looks for something to fiddle with when his phone is taken away, that's stimming.
It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do, it must be very hard to live day in day out with someone so opposite to you. We always strive to make our kids happy and content, and I suppose we have pretty generic ideas of what that looks like. Your son appears to be happy and content, just in a way that doesn't fit those generic ideas.
I definitely think you need to start doing things for you, hobby, pet, join a club etc, you also deserve to be happy.
Don't give up on getting him assessed though, his life (and yours) will be much easier going forward to know one way or the other if there is more going on.

OP I get that you can see that most parents have a local social network in effect generated by your child and their friends. But tbh it's often not quite as it looks. Often parents know a lot of people but they aren't actually good mates.
By Yr7 then most Dc make all new mates and you don't know them at all.
Be wary of projecting your loneliness onto him. A lot of parents have no school gate mum friends but have own social life based on their own interests. It's not a given that parents are friendly with DC friends parents. They may seem to be mates at school events but it may be very transient.
That said, your DS ongoing total lack of interest in his school friends is very unusual. You say it's since age 5. I'm surprised there have been no signs of issues at school.

OP I am glad you found my post helpful. I think a lot of people have piled on to say 'get therapy' who don't understand how this low grade communication 24/7 wears you down. You have identified genuine problems your son has and ignoring them won't help him lead a full and happy life as he grows up.

Having said that, I did get therapy for my concerns about my son. I had 6 sessions free via NHS self referral and found them incredibly helpful. the therapist helped me realise that my anxiety about him did nothing for either of is, so it's helped me ditch the constant nagging worry. My son is older, so this may not sound so srelevant but I think it is: she taught me to trust him. I was really guilty of doing stuff for him all the time, creating a sort of learned helplessness that he couldn;t cope unless xyz.

Do you do that? Does he hear your constant worry that unless he has friends over etc he will never.../struggle to... I think while our concerns are valid and need acting on, it can really help to give them, a breather from these and say, 'You are fine as you are.'

Maybe lay off for a week. Just smile at him, leave him be, casually comment on stuff he's good at/capable of and then change the subject. Accept his choices even if you want them, long term, to vbe wider.

Then gradually, creat opportunities for him to feel good about himself. E.g. buy some IKEA furniture for his room and get him to help you with it. Take your time and have fun putting it together. Let him take the lead and let him know how helpful his contribution was.

With the friends issue - are you sure he has any? DS2 was cripplingly lonely at that age and hid it from me. There was a horrible moment when he invited his 'friends' to a trampolining party when he was about 12 and I heard them whispering as we headed up there, 'Why are you here, do you even know this kid?' Turns out DS does have high functioning autism and had no idea how to make friends. I had to help a lot with that and it was very uncomfortable for him. But the outcome is great. He's just got back from a lovely holiday in Europe with a gang of friends and they are planning their next trip. He now gets invited to loads of parties and has weekends away with old school friends too.

What I'm trying to say is, it is very very tough finding the balance, as the parent of a child like this, between letting them know they are fine as they are - intrinsically lovable and OK as a human being, and giving them the shove out of the nest that they will never take unaided. So at times, as I said, I just 'required' stuff of him. I read an interesting book called 'Drive' by a US school head called Janine Caffrey and I sort of stuck loosely to her 'requirements'. It worked. Both my sons now have full, varied lives and good friendship groups, and I think this is partly because I took her advice. DS1 would have thrived anyway but DS2 needed every intervention going.

You might find a pet draws him out a little, or gives him something to focus on a little. Maybe not so much a hamster, goldfish etc, but dogs can be wonderful for raising a persons mood, or as therapy dogs. If you were to get a dog for yourself, and accept that all care and training would be down to you, you might then be surprised to see a positive outcome for your son. And if not, then it's a lovely thing to have yourself.

@hivemindneeded

OP I am glad you found my post helpful. I think a lot of people have piled on to say 'get therapy' who don't understand how this low grade communication 24/7 wears you down. You have identified genuine problems your son has and ignoring them won't help him lead a full and happy life as he grows up.

Having said that, I did get therapy for my concerns about my son. I had 6 sessions free via NHS self referral and found them incredibly helpful. the therapist helped me realise that my anxiety about him did nothing for either of is, so it's helped me ditch the constant nagging worry. My son is older, so this may not sound so srelevant but I think it is: she taught me to trust him. I was really guilty of doing stuff for him all the time, creating a sort of learned helplessness that he couldn;t cope unless xyz.

Do you do that? Does he hear your constant worry that unless he has friends over etc he will never.../struggle to... I think while our concerns are valid and need acting on, it can really help to give them, a breather from these and say, 'You are fine as you are.'

Maybe lay off for a week. Just smile at him, leave him be, casually comment on stuff he's good at/capable of and then change the subject. Accept his choices even if you want them, long term, to vbe wider.

Then gradually, creat opportunities for him to feel good about himself. E.g. buy some IKEA furniture for his room and get him to help you with it. Take your time and have fun putting it together. Let him take the lead and let him know how helpful his contribution was.

With the friends issue - are you sure he has any? DS2 was cripplingly lonely at that age and hid it from me. There was a horrible moment when he invited his 'friends' to a trampolining party when he was about 12 and I heard them whispering as we headed up there, 'Why are you here, do you even know this kid?' Turns out DS does have high functioning autism and had no idea how to make friends. I had to help a lot with that and it was very uncomfortable for him. But the outcome is great. He's just got back from a lovely holiday in Europe with a gang of friends and they are planning their next trip. He now gets invited to loads of parties and has weekends away with old school friends too.

What I'm trying to say is, it is very very tough finding the balance, as the parent of a child like this, between letting them know they are fine as they are - intrinsically lovable and OK as a human being, and giving them the shove out of the nest that they will never take unaided. So at times, as I said, I just 'required' stuff of him. I read an interesting book called 'Drive' by a US school head called Janine Caffrey and I sort of stuck loosely to her 'requirements'. It worked. Both my sons now have full, varied lives and good friendship groups, and I think this is partly because I took her advice. DS1 would have thrived anyway but DS2 needed every intervention going.

Wow this response is mind blowing! Very useful, can't reply fully as I'm busy at work but I almost want to print this and follow it letter by letter thank you.

Also grateful for all of the other posts, so much help here, can't thank you all enough xx

@AgathaX

You might find a pet draws him out a little, or gives him something to focus on a little. Maybe not so much a hamster, goldfish etc, but dogs can be wonderful for raising a persons mood, or as therapy dogs. If you were to get a dog for yourself, and accept that all care and training would be down to you, you might then be surprised to see a positive outcome for your son. And if not, then it's a lovely thing to have yourself.

Also if you get a cute dog and he takes it for walks, people will stop and chat to him, including kids his own age.

I wonder if cultivating friendships with people without children might help. He'll only become more and more independent and able to be left home alone in the next few years so hopefully you'll be able to find more of your own fun soon.