I feel like a really really crap mum, how can I get more confident?

[snapfishjelliedeels]

So I have a 12 year old DS, it's just me and him, I've always been super friendly and extroverted and he's always been really introverted. I feel like we're so different that I don't understand him and don't know how to make him happy.

I suggest going here, there, lovely family days out, he never wants to go anywhere. He doesn't want to play games with me, watch movies with me, isn't bothered about food, barely eats. Isn't interested in friends, doesn't want to go to sports or creative clubs, doesn't want to sit and talk to me.

I would literally try anything, certainly stuff I have no interest in to find him a hobby he loves or even a programme he loves but he's generally not interested in anything. He's been like this for a long time before anyone mentions all teenagers are like this, he was like this at 5, it's his personality.

But I just feel like I'm the wrong parent for him, I can't relate to him, I can't understand him, I can't make him happy. I get frustrated and upset, I always thought because I was so loving and fun I'd make a great mum but every single day I'm faced with the fact that I'm not doing a good job and someone else could deal with him far better.

I thought being a parent would fulfill me but I just dread thinking about years ahead of this empty helpless feeling that I'm just a failure of a mum who just doesn't understand what I'm supposed to do. I can't see him leaving home, just being in his bedroom, a bit of moping around, then back up again. It breaks my heart.

Over time I'm getting more down in the dumps, I never thought motherhood would be like this. I prepared myself for a child with serious health issues, naughty behaviour etc but I just never in a million years thought I would have this helpless failing feeling day after day, year after year.

What the bloody hell am I supposed to do???

@bookworm1982, I've been to the doctors 3 times, the behaviour needs to be present in 2 settings - in school and at home. Without the school backing it up, the doctor won't take it any further.

I also feel as though everyone has an interest in something - even your son, he just maybe hasn't figured out what it is yet. What about animals? Has he ever had a pet? That could be something to consider, something for you both to take care of together and be involved in. I know that's easier said than done if you work though, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a dog or cat. I had hamsters when I was younger and I loved taking care of them. (I am on the spectrum and like many people with ASD, animals bring me a lot of joy)

That sounds so hard. My DC are both very different. But they have interests. They sometimes love family time and sometimes want to be it's their mates. They have mates who are a very diverse bunch. They have quirky mates. They have mates with adhd and aspergers.
The lack of interest in social stuff is a definite autistic trait

[quote snapfishjelliedeels]@bookworm1982, I've been to the doctors 3 times, the behaviour needs to be present in 2 settings - in school and at home. Without the school backing it up, the doctor won't take it any further. [/quote]
Blimey, I didn't know that. Again, what if the school are wrong

@bookworm1982

I also feel as though everyone has an interest in something - even your son, he just maybe hasn't figured out what it is yet. What about animals? Has he ever had a pet? That could be something to consider, something for you both to take care of together and be involved in. I know that's easier said than done if you work though, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a dog or cat. I had hamsters when I was younger and I loved taking care of them. (I am on the spectrum and like many people with ASD, animals bring me a lot of joy)

Ahh, dammit, just seen someone's already suggested a pet

So literally what does he do? Let's say he's been playing candy crush for an hour and you've taken his phone off him because it's too long - what then? Staring at the walls in silence? Arguing because he was about to get to a save point? What? For how long?

It's difficult to tell whether he is NT and just very quiet and introverted, clinically depressed or has some SN at play.

You don't need school's permission to see if he meets the criteria for ASD or anything else btw. Not sure why you'd think they had that much control over you and him

Does he have his friends round? If so, what do they do/talk about/listen to/watch/search?

[quote snapfishjelliedeels]@bookworm1982, I've been to the doctors 3 times, the behaviour needs to be present in 2 settings - in school and at home. Without the school backing it up, the doctor won't take it any further. [/quote]
Then get another opinion - it's very common for kids to only display certain behaviours in one setting and not others. Think you need to spend a bit of energy fighting for some sort of assessment tbh. Clearly difficult right now with covid, but something sounds not right.

Op if he's 12 I assume he's started high school. I'd push for a meeting with the pastoral team and head of year. At that age the 'normal' thing to be doing is hanging out with mates, trying different clubs, being obsessed with social media / phones to connect to mates etc
Be very honest with them and push them to observe him

This sounds soul destroying for you, I'm not sure about your son. I think you need to take some medical advice, despite what the school say. He's not displaying anything like normal behaviour, you know this. Keep on at your GP until they refer him, then keep on at them until you get some kind of diagnosis and plan.

That does sound very sad but I think the answer is to go do those things with friends. Your life doesn't have to be grey and dull just because your son doesn't like to go out. Again, that's putting a lot of responsibility on him.

Try to build up a nice relationship with him inside the house, watching TV and eating together -- can you teach him how to cook some things, under the guise of 'you're getting older and need to learn how to do these things'? Get him to teach you how to play whatever app he's always on? Small steps, to build up some common ground.

Then absolutely go out and do all those fun things with friends.

I wouldn't give up on him changing, but I think the only way that can happen is to take the pressure way off.

I'd like to get complete clarity on what "just quietly existing" means in practical terms.

What would happen if you said "I think we need a screen detox, I'm going to put the phones away all weekend." What would he do? Literally lie on his bed for 48 hours staring at the ceiling? What if it was a week of screen detox? Does he literally do NOTHING?

@LittleMouseOnTheFairy

I feel so much sadness from your words *@snapfishjelliedeels* It’s so important to let ourselves feel sad without self judgement.

Far from “making it about you” it IS about you - at least 50% anyway! You sound like a lovely mum and you want something very, very natural, to enjoy fun things together with your child. Counselling could be something to look into to help you through this.

I wonder, do you think your son is happy? Would he engage in a conversation about the way he feels? There’s a profound “blankness” in the way you describe him.

I paid for private counselling for my son. It was like trying to get blood out of a stone. I was out of the room but she event brought me in as she hoped I could answer because he wouldn't. She thought he was too shy on his own to answer but he wouldn't speak when I was there too.

But yes a few of you have said i probably need counselling and I absolutely think you're right. I feel like my parenting journey has traumatised me a bit, just very different from anything I could have ever imagined. I worry people think I've done a bad job, when he got invited to less and less parties when he was younger and the other mums pulled away from me. You do feel judged, like their kid says please and thank you and mine won't, their kid plays nicely and is polite to adults, and mine won't interact with the kids or adults, I feel maybe people think I'm a bad mum. Like I'm not teaching him how to get on in the world. It's tough, i think counselling is definitely needed.

OP, I agree with others it sounds like that’s worth investigating- could you afford to do that privately (I have no idea about costs).

But whatever is or isn’t going on with him, I agree with others that your attitude and expectations of what parenting would bring sound unbalanced.

You come over as seeking validation and reciprocity from him the way you would from a friendship or relationship. That is a mistake, and it’s setting you up for disappointment and surely on some level your son will sense how disappointed you are in him which could well be driving a cycle.

Yes get some therapy. Yes pursue your own life, and find others to do it with. As you’re more extrovert than him, you need the input of others. So build friendships that you can go on those days out with and make it optional whether your son comes along.

Not sure at 12 whether I’d leave him alone lots more. Maybe. But I’d also consider looking for some ‘childcare’ or activity for him while I did that stuff. If a nanny / ai pair type thing I’d try to choose carefully someone also quiet bit perceptive.

My family has a range of personalities. I’m more outgoing than DH and do more social stuff to fulfil that side of myself. I chat to friends in WhatsApp groups so I’ve expressed that part of me and can be quieter with DH. My kids have a similar range of needs / personalities and I have one who is much younger than yours but I can see already at 5 that he needs down time after lots of interaction with people and loves it when I play with him quietly, saying little or nothing.

Build other relationships that fulfill
Your needs and you’ll find it easier to accept him as he is.

And truly being accepted is very powerful, impossible to know what feeling your acceptance rather than disappointment might do for your son.

@CheekyHobson

I'd like to get complete clarity on what "just quietly existing" means in practical terms.

What would happen if you said "I think we need a screen detox, I'm going to put the phones away all weekend." What would he do? Literally lie on his bed for 48 hours staring at the ceiling? What if it was a week of screen detox? Does he literally do NOTHING?

He's a bit awkward, he'd sit somewhere a bit awkwardly, like you can almost feel the tension in the air sometimes. He wouldn't protest or beg for his phone back. He'd have a shower. Lie in his bed. Not want to go out. Lie on the sofa. Look for something to catch his eye. Maybe pick at something of fiddle with something to keep his mind occupied.

I sympathise. Slightly similar here.

I did find that 'requiring' my introverted, depressed son to do certain things helped him.
E.g he really struggled to learn to swim. I insisted it was a necessary life skill and as we'd had no luck with lessons, I dragged him off to the pool with me and taught him myself, setting us very small targets each week, The first week, it was just two lengths. We increased by 2 lengths a week until he could swim a kilometre and then a mile.) We'd go for a drink at a cafe afterwards and he enjoyed it.

I also 'required' him to join a music group at weekends, as he loved playing guitar alone. Every single fricking term he'd say he didn't want to do it any more and every term I said he enjoyed it (which he did in his own introverted way.)

It is exhausting and it is dispiriting when you are naturally bouncy and love doing things, and they just want to do nothing ever, but I sort of think it's our job to show them the world. If he is quiet he needs plenty of down time, but I would just get him out into the world at least once a week - don;t ask or expect enthusiasm, just say, 'We're going out today.' Then take him to a gallery or museum or sports match or music festival or show etc. Eventually, he will find things he likes. Loads of things DS now loves are things I dragged him to: walks, art galleries, music lessons etc. In his late teens he loves all the stuff I 'made' him do when he was in his hermit phase.

@Catsstillrock

OP, I agree with others it sounds like that’s worth investigating- could you afford to do that privately (I have no idea about costs).

But whatever is or isn’t going on with him, I agree with others that your attitude and expectations of what parenting would bring sound unbalanced.

You come over as seeking validation and reciprocity from him the way you would from a friendship or relationship. That is a mistake, and it’s setting you up for disappointment and surely on some level your son will sense how disappointed you are in him which could well be driving a cycle.

Yes get some therapy. Yes pursue your own life, and find others to do it with. As you’re more extrovert than him, you need the input of others. So build friendships that you can go on those days out with and make it optional whether your son comes along.

Not sure at 12 whether I’d leave him alone lots more. Maybe. But I’d also consider looking for some ‘childcare’ or activity for him while I did that stuff. If a nanny / ai pair type thing I’d try to choose carefully someone also quiet bit perceptive.

My family has a range of personalities. I’m more outgoing than DH and do more social stuff to fulfil that side of myself. I chat to friends in WhatsApp groups so I’ve expressed that part of me and can be quieter with DH. My kids have a similar range of needs / personalities and I have one who is much younger than yours but I can see already at 5 that he needs down time after lots of interaction with people and loves it when I play with him quietly, saying little or nothing.

Build other relationships that fulfill
Your needs and you’ll find it easier to accept him as he is.

And truly being accepted is very powerful, impossible to know what feeling your acceptance rather than disappointment might do for your son.

Costs are really high for private assessments. Minimum a thousand pounds. I looked into this myself a while ago.

Do you think maybe you are taking all that judgment you feel from other people, and then judging your son yourself?

Do you think if you could get to a point where you don't care what other people think, or where you felt better about yourself as a mum, you might be more accepting of your son?

Maybe he needs to be assessed or maybe he is just extremely introverted and shy, and you know what, that's okay. It's okay to be different. It's nobody's fault. You are not a failure! You can't change who he is but you can change how you react to it, and that in itself will probably make things a lot better.

@Catsstillrock at 12 they need zero childcare. They are very independent. They sort own social lives. They get public transport or walk to meet mates. They go for coffee or cinema trips and a million other things generally. They don't get lifts to school etc developmentally they are pre teens so normally between being little kids and full on teenagers.
What op describes is more akin with a withdrawn or autistic child

Build other relationships that fulfill
Your needs and you’ll find it easier to accept him as he is.
And truly being accepted is very powerful, impossible to know what feeling your acceptance rather than disappointment might do for your son.

Absolutely this

Especially if you think the rest of the world is judging him or excluding him and his own father has essentially abandoned him he needs to feel like one person in the world at least just loves him unconditionally and accepts him for who he is

Op from your last post it sounds like the poor boy had no self confidence or self esteem or will to be sociable.
What's his diet like? Does he have friends that he hangs out with?

Op you also say he got invited to less and less parties. This does happen as parties get smaller. But does he actually have friends at school that he sees out of school?

All mine were like that.

They would go to the cinema to see the latest nerdy film, which is good for them (but a bit of a trial for me). They can't get away and it gives you something to talk about later.

We have done conservation work together with groups, and they have done music groups on their own.

It might be worth trying something like horse riding lessons together if you don't want a pet. Animals seem to have magic allure.

Another vote for a pet from me as long as you have the time and resources if he doesn’t get involved.

I don’t know about autism so can’t comment on that being a possibility but perhaps.

There must be something he find interesting- there must be.. it could be something very niche! I’d try and find it. Archeology? Space? Science? Warhammer? Something manual or crafty, painting figurines, collecting something, rock climbing, watching ice hockey, cinema, bowling… can you do as a pp does and sort of take him out without asking his permission first.. I would tag on an tester activity to a supermarket shop or something so he can’t refuse!

I do also agree that you are disappointed with his quiet character & that you deserve fulfilment yourself. Even if you were absolutely over the moon with the relationship you shared with your son, you still deserve fulfilment of your own! So yes pursue your own interests and try to accept he is not extroverted as you would ideally like. I’m sure he will pick up on your sentiments.

The other thing that stuck out to me was that his dad is busy with another family. If there are kids there then this for me would also be a possible reason as to why he maybe feels so withdrawn/shy or even inadequate.. that’s a strong word but I can see why a child would potentially feel that if their dad pretty much abandoned them yet had plenty of time for other children. Especially if there is closeness in age etc. Perhaps your son feels this dynamic of you trying to compensate for his other parent essentially rejecting him.. is that plausible? I can also see that with that possible scenario comes another feeling you haven’t mentioned - that he feels you have been hurt by his dad and he feels sad about that. Parents always try to do their all and give their all for the kids but I think often it’s forgotten that kids feel upset and distress when they know their parents have been hurt by someone. Maybe you could ask him how he feels about his dad and make it clear to him that you two aren’t the victims of abandonment. Maybe this links back to the idea of you being happy- perhaps seeing you happy would make him happier if he is worried for you. I think some boys feel very protective of their mums.

I can’t say for sure of course but these are a few things I wondered when I read your posts. I think you sound like a fabulous mum & shouldn’t be hard on yourself during this! Xo

@hivemindneeded

I sympathise. Slightly similar here.

I did find that 'requiring' my introverted, depressed son to do certain things helped him.
E.g he really struggled to learn to swim. I insisted it was a necessary life skill and as we'd had no luck with lessons, I dragged him off to the pool with me and taught him myself, setting us very small targets each week, The first week, it was just two lengths. We increased by 2 lengths a week until he could swim a kilometre and then a mile.) We'd go for a drink at a cafe afterwards and he enjoyed it.

I also 'required' him to join a music group at weekends, as he loved playing guitar alone. Every single fricking term he'd say he didn't want to do it any more and every term I said he enjoyed it (which he did in his own introverted way.)

It is exhausting and it is dispiriting when you are naturally bouncy and love doing things, and they just want to do nothing ever, but I sort of think it's our job to show them the world. If he is quiet he needs plenty of down time, but I would just get him out into the world at least once a week - don;t ask or expect enthusiasm, just say, 'We're going out today.' Then take him to a gallery or museum or sports match or music festival or show etc. Eventually, he will find things he likes. Loads of things DS now loves are things I dragged him to: walks, art galleries, music lessons etc. In his late teens he loves all the stuff I 'made' him do when he was in his hermit phase.

Ah it's lovely to hear others are having similar experiences, no other mums I've seen are and it makes it easier for me.

Yes I'll try to drag him out more, he just has a face that practically begs to go home the entire time we're out so it felt like cruelty. But maybe we can turn it around.