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Original poster

Woman staring at me while my toddler screamed his head off

83 replies

LetTheBirdsSing · 21/12/2021 16:01

I feel so upset and humiliated. For the second time today I’ve had to cut short a visit to the park ten minutes in because of my toddler tantrumming.

As soon as we parked up and got out of the car DC2 (nearly 2 years old) was screaming blue murder because he wanted to bring a toy with him. I tried for a while to distract him “oh look, a squirrel!”, that wasn’t working so decided to just let him wail in the hope that he would calm down and then be ok. He kept trying to run back to the car and was still screaming his head off, people were staring at me. DC1 (three years old) was getting fed up and starting to swing on a gate and not listen when I told him to stop.

I gave up, picked up a still screaming DC2 and took them both back to the car. I was beyond embarrassed and undoubtedly had a face like thunder as I was trying to strap hysterical DC2 into the car and tell DC1 to stop kicking the seat.

I happened to look up as I was getting into the driver’s seat and saw a woman stood at her bedroom window across the road, frowning at me. I don’t know why this has got to me so much but I burst into tears as I was driving and I just can’t stop crying.

DH said to me “what’s happened now! What’s wrong with you??” As I walked in the door as he could hear DC2 still screaming and I had obviously been crying. I felt judged by a total stranger and now judged by DH as soon as I get in.

I feel like such a failure of a mum to not even be able to take my kids to the park without some total embarrassment. Normally I try to just block out the world when one of the DC is having a tantrum and just try to focus on sorting them out but I wish, wish, wish people wouldn’t gawp.

I don’t know why but I gave the frowning window woman a big grin and a wave. She then backed away from the window

OP posts:

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Hope54321 · 21/12/2021 16:35

Awww you’re not a failure of a mum at all! And don’t worry about the people around you. Sometimes people are just curious so they just stare, doesn’t mean they’re judging you.

Antsgomarching · 21/12/2021 16:45

Sometimes I stare in someones direction but I’m not actually looking at them. I was staring at my neighbours window with a face like thunder, what they didn’t see was my DD on the floor by my feet who I was waiting for and getting quite annoyed by. I looked like I was standing at the window just glaring at them. Wasn’t looking at them at all. I only noticed when said neighbour called her DH over and started pointing at me 🤦🏽‍♀️ At which point I ran away. She may not have been actually looking at you at all.

Seriously don’t worry about it, anyone who has had a toddler has been there with the kicking screaming batshittery. A lovely lady at the supermarket was very sympathetic about my toddler kicking off at the the other day, she still remembered hers when they were little. Kids just make a huge amount of noise, it’s natural for people to look. You’ve probably glanced over yourself at a shouty toddler without meaning to. You probably weren’t being judged, but I’ve definitely been there, today infact LOL.

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/12/2021 16:47

I used to stare right back, big smile, “can I help you?” You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about, people are fucking rude

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Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 21/12/2021 16:48

Op you should have returned with dc 1 to the park. .
Once my ds hit the roof in Tesco because I wouldn't buy him a car. Told him if he didn't behave we would go home.
Took him home and dropped him with dh. Then I went back out.
Your dc 1 shouldn't be missing out.

ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2021 16:50

I don’t know why but I gave the frowning window woman a big grin and a wave. She then backed away from the window

Good response!

Hang in there - it's a tough time but 'this too shall pass'. If I see someone with a tantrumming child, all I'm thinking is 'I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that any more'. If people can't be sympathetic or helpful they should mind their own business.

FoggySpecs · 21/12/2021 17:03

Yabu and over sensitive.

RosieRoww · 21/12/2021 17:15

I absolutely understand you- wen my kids( twins) were toddlers it was a nightmare - some people were understanding but some literally enjoy the moments when I tried to manage tantruming dd and meanwhile catching my son who was just as fast as sonic and in two seconds gone.

My husband wasn't never understanding of this scenarios as he never took them out by himself ie to the shop at that time and was just full of advice.😮‍💨

Don't beat yourself, this phase will pass.🌻🌻🌻

Chickenkorma64 · 21/12/2021 17:22

Sometimes in situations like this, I might look over at someone struggling with little ones while thinking thank god I’ve got past all that!
While trying to send sympathetic vibes to the struggling parent.

So take heart, most of us have been there and are sympathetic

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 21/12/2021 17:25

In the chippy queue the other night I saw a df and a toddler. The little boy was sobbing. The df wasn't doing anything negative just kept walking, but I did feel a pang of sadness about Star Hobson and how many people passed her in those last few weeks and nobody knew what hell she living..

We all gave crabby dc sometimes op...
Nobody is judging you.

imamearcat · 21/12/2021 17:34

I'm probably just a push over parent but would have totally just let them bring the toy!

Fanmango · 21/12/2021 17:36

@imamearcat

I'm probably just a push over parent but would have totally just let them bring the toy!

Me too, I don't know why it's worth a tantrum and DC1 missing out for the sake of taking a toy into the park.

SleighbellsZ · 21/12/2021 17:36

It's awful feeling judged op.
We've all been there.
But why couldn't he take the toy?! Would have saved a lot of stress.

CrazyOldBagLady · 21/12/2021 17:39

I doubt she was making any judgements, don't feel bad. I probably would have let him bring the you too though, if it meant that much to him

Orarewedancer · 21/12/2021 17:39

Been there! Many a time.

I actually broke down to the HV recently at DS2s 30 month review because his tantrums were so difficult and I realised I had a real fear of being judged. She told me that chances are no one's judging me, they're probably just feeling sorry for me and can relate, and if they are judging then screw them, you'll never see them again.

That very day I strapped DS in his buggy to do the school run (as one of the biggest problems I had was he was a runner but refused the pram). As I was walking down the street and he was kicking and flailing his limbs with everything he had, an older gentleman who appeared to have his (well behaved) grandchild with him gave me the most awful look. Thankfully I kept what the HV had said in my head, smiled and him and gave him the finger through my mind.

And you know what? It took three days and he now goes in the pram for the school run when I tell him so it was worth the glare.

Oh and I've also stood outside my car sobbing, pleading with DS2 to stay in his car seat so that I could drive DS1 to school and I'm sure the neighbours were peeking through their blinds but sometimes life with toddlers is just shit!

3WildOnes · 21/12/2021 17:42

I sometimes do look, I don’t mean to stare though. I work with troubled families and I guess I am super sensitive to children crying and I just want to make sure the parents aren’t being abusive. I never judge a child for tantruming I do sometimes judge a parent for grabbing a child roughly or shouting aggressively.

WellTidy · 21/12/2021 17:44

The stares are hard. 9yo DS has classic autism and stims and shouts in public, and has been known to have meltdowns. It’s more manageable now than ever, but still happens. The seeming silent judgement and prolonged staring has been a constant throughout. Its hard, and even harder for our older DS who sees it all happening and wants to either confront them or curl up and die.

BeyondMyWits · 21/12/2021 17:44

Probably making sure you were a parent, not judging.

PieMistee · 21/12/2021 17:44

She might have been doing any of the following:
Staring blankly
Judging you as a shit parent.
Checking that your child was safe
Wondering if she could help but not able to work out how.
However, it doesn't matter what she was doing or thinking. All that matters is you know you weren't doing anything wrong. Other peoples opinions are of no consequence. My child has ASD so I have developed a very thick skin and have learnt to think fuck 'em. Horrible when it happens at first and I bet £10000s you are an ace Mum 💐

WakeUpLockie · 21/12/2021 17:44

don’t know why but I gave the frowning window woman a big grin and a wave. She then backed away from the window

Haha well done that’s awesome 😄 I would have just let the kid take a toy to the park ??

Takemedown · 21/12/2021 17:45

This was me so many times when my twins were little. God the amount of times i collapsed through the door and broke down in tears, or tried desperately not to cry at the park because everyone else seemed to have their shit together and i didn't. Between 18 months and 3 years was awful. That woman might have have been trying to send you sympathetic vibes. I try and do that and if I'm close enough I'll try and give the mum a kind word or smile but i can see how it would come off as me staring. I also learned the path of least resistance - i would have let him take the toy. If it's a toy that's no good for the park, i would have a rule that those ones stay at home/in the car, and make sure he knows that toys must stay in the car or house. Blanket rules are much easier for children to understand, rather than "you can sometimes take this toy, but not other times." He really just getting to the age where he can understand that.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 17:46

Ok. You’ve had a shitty day. It’s done. Give yourself a break. A few things to consider that might make things easier in future.

why couldn’t he take his toy to the park?
toddlers tantrum. It’s what they do. It’s a perfectly normal and expected stage of development. It’s not a reflection of your parenting. Accept they will happen, don’t react, don’t be embarrassed, just comfort him and if possible remove him from danger/hurting others and maybe take him home.
why did you have a face like thunder? Were you angry? Why? It’s just a toddler tantrum. Roll your eyes and let it happen if you can’t do anything to stop it. No one did anything to deliberately upset you. Being angry is pointless and just makes you feel like crap.
strangers are irrelevant. Never take on their judgment as if it matters. It doesn’t help you in any way.

FTEngineerM · 21/12/2021 17:49

Yeah I also think just let him take the toy.
Unless it was some diamond encrusted faberge egg

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 17:50

Fwiw one day I caught myself staring at a woman whose son was giving her a literal run around their car on the petrol station forecourt because she wouldn’t buy him sweets. I was staring because my DS when younger had been exactly the same and I was contemplating whether I’d have appreciated someone stepping in to help me by going round the other side of the car and grabbing him (because it was a petrol station forecourt on a really busy road) or not. I decided not to because I just couldn’t predict whether she would want that or not. I wasn’t staring to judge her at all.

Original poster

LetTheBirdsSing · 21/12/2021 17:50

Wow. So many replies, thank you. It’s really helpful to hear so many people saying they’ve been there.

For those asking why I didn’t let him bring the toy, it was quite a large tractor that he would have wanted to push along the ground. I didn’t want him taking it outside and getting it dirty and also it would have really slowed us down. I’ve no idea why it was in the car but I’ll be making sure it doesn’t leave the house again.

I do understand about people looking over to see what the source of the noise is, it’s people that stare for a long time with a judgemental look on their face that bother me.

Normally I find it a bit embarrassing but let it go but I feel like twice today I’ve not been able to control my kids when out in public and just feel really humiliated. I really appreciate hearing others’ experiences

OP posts:

AliceW89 · 21/12/2021 17:51

I find myself staring sometimes…in sheer horror at what’s round the corner with my head strong 1.5 yo 😬 You have my sympathy! X

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