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Original poster

Woman staring at me while my toddler screamed his head off

83 replies

LetTheBirdsSing · 21/12/2021 16:01

I feel so upset and humiliated. For the second time today I’ve had to cut short a visit to the park ten minutes in because of my toddler tantrumming.

As soon as we parked up and got out of the car DC2 (nearly 2 years old) was screaming blue murder because he wanted to bring a toy with him. I tried for a while to distract him “oh look, a squirrel!”, that wasn’t working so decided to just let him wail in the hope that he would calm down and then be ok. He kept trying to run back to the car and was still screaming his head off, people were staring at me. DC1 (three years old) was getting fed up and starting to swing on a gate and not listen when I told him to stop.

I gave up, picked up a still screaming DC2 and took them both back to the car. I was beyond embarrassed and undoubtedly had a face like thunder as I was trying to strap hysterical DC2 into the car and tell DC1 to stop kicking the seat.

I happened to look up as I was getting into the driver’s seat and saw a woman stood at her bedroom window across the road, frowning at me. I don’t know why this has got to me so much but I burst into tears as I was driving and I just can’t stop crying.

DH said to me “what’s happened now! What’s wrong with you??” As I walked in the door as he could hear DC2 still screaming and I had obviously been crying. I felt judged by a total stranger and now judged by DH as soon as I get in.

I feel like such a failure of a mum to not even be able to take my kids to the park without some total embarrassment. Normally I try to just block out the world when one of the DC is having a tantrum and just try to focus on sorting them out but I wish, wish, wish people wouldn’t gawp.

I don’t know why but I gave the frowning window woman a big grin and a wave. She then backed away from the window

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HarrisMcCoo · 21/12/2021 18:52

You have my sympathies. My youngest is 4 and still has terrible tantrums unfortunately. Tonight's one was because I asked DH to take him out the bath as he wasn't listening to me. Cue massive tantrum as he was removed from bath by DH whilst I got the 6yo ready for bed. Everyone will probably hear in the street, but it's out of my control. He had a busy day at nursery and was exhausted 🤷

I sang to him as I held him after getting my 6yo ready for bed. He eventually calmed down. Now fast asleep....

Been in tears too when it gets overwhelming. Been there💐

ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2021 19:09

I bet all the people pontificating about what the OP should or shouldn't have done with the sodding tractor always made perfect parenting decisions 100% of the time.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 19:12

@ErrolTheDragon

I bet all the people pontificating about what the OP should or shouldn't have done with the sodding tractor always made perfect parenting decisions 100% of the time.

😂😂😂

Of course not. No one does. But we can use our own bad experiences to make suggestions so OP can have a better day the next time things kick off.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2021 19:16

Except irl.... no one can solve the conundrum of whether when a toddler asks for a cutted up pear, the pear should be cutted up or not.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 19:19

Give the toddler he knife and let him decide

HardbackWriter · 21/12/2021 19:22

Why do people keep telling OP all the tiny details of the things she should have done differently?! It's really unhelpful and it implies that if you just parent as perfectly as all these posters you'll never have to deal with toddler tantrums, which is clearly untrue. Whatever you do, toddlers who tantrum (which is most of them) will sometimes tantrum. So OP needs strategies to feel less embarrassed if they tantrum in public rather than to be told all the things she should have done differently this morning.

3WildOnes · 21/12/2021 19:24

Can you identify why you were feeling ‘so, so crap’ and like you wanted to burst into tears ? This seems like an extreme reaction to a tantrum. Children tantrum all of the time, it is no failure on your part that your child had a tantrum. Some children move on from tantrums and upset easily and some get stuck and find it hard to move on.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 19:26

@HardbackWriter

Read all my posts, I’ve covered the latter too. I’m just offering suggestions that might be useful next time OP is facing a tantrum.

SleighbellsZ · 21/12/2021 19:26

I agree but if you know the reason why they are kicking off and it's easily fixed, by taking a toy to the park, then let them and problem is solved.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 21/12/2021 19:26

My ds wanted to wear his spiderman outfit everywhere.. It made for a happier ds popping to the shops or do errands... Abroad - he came back as pale as ever!! Maybe compromise if your dc is nagging to take a huge toy. .. Suggest a small one that he leaves in the car.. Picking your battles and listening to what is important to your dc makes for an easier relationship ime.
Sometimes ime I admit saying no comes easier than 'negotiating' with a dc!!

ErrolTheDragon · 21/12/2021 19:30

I meant to put a not a after my 'cutted up pear' observation.

HardbackWriter · 21/12/2021 19:33

The only suggestion you seem to be offering is to go back in time! She's not going to have this exact scenario again - and, actually, if she sticks to the rule 'we don't take toys to the park' the problem will solve itself that way anyway.

Original poster

LetTheBirdsSing · 21/12/2021 19:35

Thanks Errol. I really, really people don’t mind people saying they would have handled the situation differently, next time just let him take the tractor etc but I really don’t understand the need for the 🤷‍♀️ On the end of comments or telling me that I wasn’t considering my DC’s needs today. (Actually I disagree with that remark anyway- I think that when a mum is feeling frazzled and at the end of her tether, it’s actually ok to recognise that and say you know what, I’ve really run out of patience with this situation now, we are heading home. Better that than really losing my rag at the park.)

OP posts:

Original poster

LetTheBirdsSing · 21/12/2021 19:37

For what it’s worth, I did previously let him take the sodding tractor (that I wish I’d never mentioned as the cause of the tantrum ) to the park and it ended up with the sort of scenario I outlined above- dragging it along the path in the park at 0000000.1 miles an hour, looking at it rather than where he was going so I kept having to steer him out of other people’s way and 3 year old DC got really fed up. That’s why I wasn’t keen to let him take it again. Clearly the tantrum tractor is never leaving home again, I’ve learned my lesson!

OP posts:

BurntO · 21/12/2021 19:40

Don’t worry OP, it’s a really hard age! My DS1 was a dream really, DS2 who has just turned 3 is a total sod and will kick off over everything. I’ve learnt to give in a lot. And grow a thick skin. Pick your battles.

KimDeals · 21/12/2021 19:40

Today heard someone absolutely distressed saying “I only have one set of clothes — STOP” I turned round and it was a really young mum on the high street begging her 1.5 year old (at a guess), then her voice changed to a sing-song voice, the back again to totally despair IVE HAD IT WITH YOU the child was standing like a statue crying and she put him in the buggy and led her other child by the hand, sing song voice back but so strained. Both were under 3 and she herself looked no more than 18.

All this happened near my car and I was putting shopping away.

I felt so sorry for her child but I felt SO SORRY for her too. I had two under two and I’d forgotten the really bad days.

She may have felt my presence and thought that was judgement but it wasn’t, if I could have done anything I would, I couldn’t think how to reassure her in the moment without interfering. The mum needed a break more than anything.

But maybe OP your watcher was looking on at your struggle sympathetically. Please don’t assume you were being judged! We’ve all been there! X

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 19:41

@HardbackWriter

Well we both know you’re making that up.

Original poster

LetTheBirdsSing · 21/12/2021 19:42

Sorry, I’m doing a bad job of responding to all of the replies but finding it very helpful to read them all. 3wildones I am most definitely feeling burnt out right now. I’ve just had Covid and been self isolating with the DCs whilst trying to work- I’ve had a trying few weeks and I’m exhausted. I am really aware of my limitations as a parent, mostly I aim for ‘good enough’ and try to work on things that I’m not great at without beating myself up too much. But today felt like a failure to do something really basic- take the DCs to the park- and I feel down on myself and embarrassed that other people observed me not handling the situation that well.

OP posts:

Original poster

LetTheBirdsSing · 21/12/2021 19:44

It is LOVELY to hear all of those people that might be looking but not in judgement, just sympathy. And some replies have stung a little but I will reread them tomorrow when I’m hopefully feeling less sensitive about the situation

OP posts:

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 21/12/2021 19:49

I’ve been here so many times. It’s all part of being a parent. I would have done exactly the same. I don’t allow toys out of the car because they will always get lost or broken and then we have tantrums about that.

If a toddler is having a tantrum in the park, all I think is “thank god it’s not my turn today”
And if I see it’s over a parent not giving in to their child’s demands I think “good for you, mum!”

Ikeabag · 21/12/2021 19:49

I've had thoughts before that next door must think I'm awful when I've got nothing left in the tank and had a toddler that just kept taking. Neighbour caught my eye shortly after one such period and very, very kindly asked me whether I was ok. I nearly cried. Hopefully most people will absolutely sympathise. I agree that it can feel tricky knowing whether to say something, I've managed it before (something like "I remember that age very well!" and a smile) but I also know that during those times I absolutely didn't want interaction from anyone as I was already over my head overwhelmed, trying to process all of the STUFF simultaneously. Sod the tractor. You made the decision to go home, it was the right one for you all in that moment. The kids won't remember it. Neither will the onlookers. Just you, at 4am, when you can't sleep.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 21/12/2021 19:51

@HardbackWriter

Totally agree! Giving in to tantrums just kicks the can down the road. Implementing rules is hard work but worth it.

niclw · 21/12/2021 20:15

OP I would have done the same as you by refusing to allow him to take the tractor and let him have his tantrum. Toddler tantrums are the worst. Try not to worry what anyone else is thinking. We have all been there. Most recently my 3 year old had a major tantrum that involved lying down at the self service tills in the supermarket because I would buy him a toy. It was my first time not getting a trolley with a seat and had to ask a member of staff to push the trolley to the car so I could carry him out. He would have got trampled on by trolleys and people if I hadn't moved him. I felt so embarrassed but it makes me remember to give smiles of sympathy to the other mum's dealing with tantrums when we are having a good day. Enjoy your further trips out and remember that by standing your ground about the tractor your son will learn that he cannot always get him own way. Look after yourself

Takemedown · 21/12/2021 22:01

With all these perfect parents around its easy to see which ones are the ones doing the judgemental staring!

I think that when a mum is feeling frazzled and at the end of her tether, it’s actually ok to recognise that and say you know what, I’ve really run out of patience with this situation now, we are heading home. Better that than really losing my rag at the park

Yes. This. 1000 times this. If you've reached your limit, it's perfectly reasonable to go home. Sorry your dh wasn't more supportive.

You know what to do differently next time - no toys in the car that you don't actually want to be taken to the park. You tried to distract him and he wasn't having any of it. Can you identify any other points other than not taking the tractor where you could maybe have headed off the tantrum earlier? Were things already getting fraught before you left the house maybe? Go through step by step. Next time you might feel better equipped to stop the tantrum before it starts. And remember something that worked today may not work next week! So you'll need to be adaptable. Like i said you are in the thick of it right now. But you can do this. If you're not up to going to the park, don't put yourself under pressure to go. There's always later.

thatsallineed · 21/12/2021 22:18

DH said to me "what's happened now! What's wrong with you??" As I walked in the door as he could hear DC2 still screaming and I had obviously been crying. I felt judged by a total stranger and now judged by DH as soon as I get in.

That was unkind of your DH to say that. Is he usually supportive and this was a one-off, or is he like this fairly often?

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