Page 2 | Woman staring at me while my toddler screamed his head off

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SilverRingahBells · 21/12/2021 17:51

I have been that staring woman many times in many different situations. What I'm thinking is
"Does this situation require me to intervene? What's going on? Is this an abusive parent? A parent who would benefit from me stepping in to help in some way? Oh, she's waved to indicate to me that she's got this. Now I've looked more closely I don't think she's abusive I think it's a normal nightmare tantrum. That's OK then, I'll stop staring."

Unless I'm very unusual I reckon 90% of the strange women who MNers think are judging them are just assessing the situation to work out whether they need to step in and lend a hand.

WakeUpLockie · 21/12/2021 17:52

Aw a tractor is the perfect park toy. It’s meant to get muddy! But ok, if that’s your rule he may just have to deal with it and you will have to stick with it. You’re not a bad parent!

Rover83 · 21/12/2021 17:52

Honestly people aren't judging you, what's to judge you're just a mum dealing with her kids, it's not like you were smacking them or swearing at them. The woman probably wasn't intentionally staring at you, maybe she just got some crap news or maybe she's isolating and was wishing she was at the park.

Life is too short to worry what people might be thinking. There is no right response for other people to have when your child is screaming, some people look and thank their lucky stars it's not them, some are trying to give you the sympathy parent nod that says we've all been there, some people just like watching people. You can't control other people's actions so just ignore them.

Oh and we always have a bag of crap toys in the car that can be taken to the park, happy meal toys or plastic tat from magazines

Mumoblue · 21/12/2021 17:55

Most people aren’t judging, they’re just looking over because of noise, but if they ARE judging then their opinion doesn’t matter because they’re judging your parenting based off a tiny interaction (obviously abuse is the exception here).

My neighbour once said to my then-partner that she was worried I might have judged her parenting because apparently I saw her yell at her daughter once. Not only do I not remember this interaction- I’m hard of hearing! I would have just turned my head towards where the sound was coming from to check what it is.

gsaoej · 21/12/2021 17:59

And shit like this is why I got a swing and slide in my garden. That, combined with the dog shit and broken glass in the park.

Don’t worry op. Looking after two toddlers is bloody hard.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 17:59

For those asking why I didn’t let him bring the toy, it was quite a large tractor that he would have wanted to push along the ground. I didn’t want him taking it outside and getting it dirty and also it would have really slowed us down

Tractors are meant to be played with outside, and they’re meant to get dirty, and toddlers should be permitted to be “slow”, or rather operate at their own pace rather than adult pace at the park. Were you in a rush? In all likelihood he’d have pushed it around for a bit then abandoned it to play on the swings. You do seem rather rigid in your thinking OP.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 21/12/2021 18:00

She may well have been remembering her own times with crying children, and sympathizing with you. We often assume people are judging us negatively when they are not.

GTAlogic · 21/12/2021 18:01

I remember once, several years ago when one of my children were having a tantrum in the supermarket or somewhere, I looked away to see some bloke looking at me and without thinking about it I shouted, "What the fuck are you looking at??!" at him. He just stammered about us being in the way of the thing he wanted to grab. I apologised and burst into tears. He couldn't get away fast enough!!

I think we all have stories like this from when our delightful children have been arseholes and have driven us mad. We've all survived and anyone worth their salt will know how hard it can be and will be understanding.

BurningTheClocks · 21/12/2021 18:05

I often stood there thinking about the multiple degrees I have in education, child management and psychology. The years of teaching experience...whilst my daughter wailed and flailed and gnashed at my feet. And pointed out what was wrong tones that could bend metal and cause small birds to fall stunned from the sky.
And people stared and others offered helpful suggestions.

And I thought FML and ploughed onwards. Then did it again a few years later with my next bundle of joy.
They both lived. My skin got thicker and I realised that all parents have versions of this in their lives.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 21/12/2021 18:05

Hang on, were you crying or did you have a big grin?

Anyway, maybe she heard the screams and wondered what was happening in front of her house.

You don't want to be judged for having a screaming toddler, understandable, don't judge other people for their reaction to the screams.

SleighbellsZ · 21/12/2021 18:06

For those asking why I didn’t let him bring the toy, it was quite a large tractor that he would have wanted to push along the ground. I didn’t want him taking it outside and getting it dirty and also it would have really slowed us down. I’ve no idea why it was in the car but I’ll be making sure it doesn’t leave the house again

In all kindness op, I still would have left him take it.
It fit in the car fine, it'll be fine for the park.
Tractors are perfect for the park!

BurningTheClocks · 21/12/2021 18:07

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

For those asking why I didn’t let him bring the toy, it was quite a large tractor that he would have wanted to push along the ground. I didn’t want him taking it outside and getting it dirty and also it would have really slowed us down

Tractors are meant to be played with outside, and they’re meant to get dirty, and toddlers should be permitted to be “slow”, or rather operate at their own pace rather than adult pace at the park. Were you in a rush? In all likelihood he’d have pushed it around for a bit then abandoned it to play on the swings. You do seem rather rigid in your thinking OP.

🥇

FTEngineerM · 21/12/2021 18:08

@SilverRingahBells

I have been that staring woman many times in many different situations. What I'm thinking is "Does this situation require me to intervene? What's going on? Is this an abusive parent? A parent who would benefit from me stepping in to help in some way? Oh, she's waved to indicate to me that she's got this. Now I've looked more closely I don't think she's abusive I think it's a normal nightmare tantrum. That's OK then, I'll stop staring."

Unless I'm very unusual I reckon 90% of the strange women who MNers think are judging them are just assessing the situation to work out whether they need to step in and lend a hand.

I think this is also true, the only time I’ve seriously stated was when I was trying to work out if the parent was being awful or not.

BurningTheClocks · 21/12/2021 18:13

For the tractor judgypants posters...

You are negotiating with your youngest, supporting him with his desire to potter along with his beloved tractor.
Then you have to abandon him and the sodding tractor to wade into the pond to rescue your eldest who decided to take the bread to the ducks himself. Then a stranger has a go at you for being negligent.
My sister the social worker nearly throttled the lot of them but restrained herself.

DameAlyson · 21/12/2021 18:17

In all likelihood he’d have pushed it around for a bit then abandoned it to play on the swings.

Which is exactly why he shouldn't bring it.

Because then OP ends up having to lug the tractor round the park herself.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 18:19

@DameAlyson

In all likelihood he’d have pushed it around for a bit then abandoned it to play on the swings.

Which is exactly why he shouldn't bring it.

Because then OP ends up having to lug the tractor round the park herself.

This is life with small children!! What a sad attitude to take.

Mammma91 · 21/12/2021 18:19

Op, my 2.5 year old tantrums everywhere we go! 99% of the time there’s people helping distract him, talking to him, waving and smiling. Some stare with a face like thunder and judgement. Those people can fuck off! All toddlers tantrum. It doesn’t mean your a bad mum.

imamearcat · 21/12/2021 18:19

@DameAlyson the alternative doesn't sound that much fun either!

furbabymama87 · 21/12/2021 18:21

We've all been there, don't worry. People stare because they're nosy.

Ikeabag · 21/12/2021 18:26

Hey, if it helps - mine was a bit of a bugger around roads, once not long after we moved here I had to hoik him yelling under my arm to get him home safely, and he was 4! I defos got some looks then but I had a face like thunder at that point, not least because I was physically knackered as well as totally done with his nonsense. Pretty sure someone stopped to gawp at me. Locked my eyes forward and just got us home. I hadn't thought about the toy thing, bringing it with, until reading others' posts - it's alright to backtrack and say, you know what, it's probably ok to have the toy if it's really important to you. If it gets filthy, so be it. It doesn't make you a pushover and it doesn't teach the small one that they can manipulate you, they're too busy having a total internal meltdown to be thinking about manipulation at that age. Equally though, if smallest one is regularly having a hard time, might be better to divide and conquer if OH is off work now so older one can get a bit of park time.

Btw I loved the smile and wave. Nice touch.

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 21/12/2021 18:34

@FoggySpecs

Yabu and over sensitive.

I don't agree with this at all.

MrsLarry · 21/12/2021 18:34

@LetTheBirdsSing

I feel so upset and humiliated. For the second time today I’ve had to cut short a visit to the park ten minutes in because of my toddler tantrumming.

As soon as we parked up and got out of the car DC2 (nearly 2 years old) was screaming blue murder because he wanted to bring a toy with him. I tried for a while to distract him “oh look, a squirrel!”, that wasn’t working so decided to just let him wail in the hope that he would calm down and then be ok. He kept trying to run back to the car and was still screaming his head off, people were staring at me. DC1 (three years old) was getting fed up and starting to swing on a gate and not listen when I told him to stop.

I gave up, picked up a still screaming DC2 and took them both back to the car. I was beyond embarrassed and undoubtedly had a face like thunder as I was trying to strap hysterical DC2 into the car and tell DC1 to stop kicking the seat.

I happened to look up as I was getting into the driver’s seat and saw a woman stood at her bedroom window across the road, frowning at me. I don’t know why this has got to me so much but I burst into tears as I was driving and I just can’t stop crying.

DH said to me “what’s happened now! What’s wrong with you??” As I walked in the door as he could hear DC2 still screaming and I had obviously been crying. I felt judged by a total stranger and now judged by DH as soon as I get in.

I feel like such a failure of a mum to not even be able to take my kids to the park without some total embarrassment. Normally I try to just block out the world when one of the DC is having a tantrum and just try to focus on sorting them out but I wish, wish, wish people wouldn’t gawp.

I don’t know why but I gave the frowning window woman a big grin and a wave. She then backed away from the window

I doubt she was actually frowning at you. I think that was just you being paranoid as you were so worked up. Why on earth are you even giving this any thought. Just move on.

Original poster

LetTheBirdsSing · 21/12/2021 18:39

Tractors are meant to be played with outside, and they’re meant to get dirty, and toddlers should be permitted to be “slow”, or rather operate at their own pace rather than adult pace at the park. Were you in a rush?

My kids have loads of toys that go in the garden, that are allowed to get muddy. At home it would be fine to play with this toy outside but if I have a one year old trundling along very, very slowly with the toy in the park then the chances are my three year old is going to get very bored of waiting to get to the playground that’s within the wider park.

With a one year old and three year old I have to balance both kids’ wants and needs when I’m out and about, and my judgement call today was that taking the tractor out would have been more trouble than it was worth. My cock up in the first place to have had it in the car, as I’ve admitted.

A couple of you have said that you might stare to figure out if the parent is abusive. I think that’s part of my fear, that someone would have seen me today, just walking silently along with a screaming child not attempting to comfort him at that point (because I was feeling so, so crap at that point and just trying to focus on getting to the car without bursting into tears) and judging me as some awful, abusive parent.

OP posts:

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 18:45

but if I have a one year old trundling along very, very slowly with the toy in the park then the chances are my three year old is going to get very bored of waiting to get to the playground that’s within the wider park.

So you excitedly tell them they can have it in the park, “let’s go! Come on- let’s race to the park and play with your tractor” 🤷‍♀️

imamearcat · 21/12/2021 18:50

You weren't really considering both of their needs when you all had to go home!

Pick your battles OP.

Woman staring at me while my toddler screamed his head off

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