When does this get better? :(

[trappedbylife]

I have a 6 month old. It's relentless. She doesn't sleep. She takes up every waking moment of the day and night. Me and her Dad do nothing but argue. We never have time for us anymore, barely have a conversation unless it's a "handover" of what the baby needs. We have no support around us. I feel so trapped I just want to run away. I miss our old life so much. Is it normal to feel like I've ruined my life by having a baby?! I love her so, so much - honestly. But my god I am miserable. Is this normal? ☹️

It is normal to feel like caring for a baby is relentless, especially if not sleeping. What do you mean by not sleeping though as by this point they would normally be able to go about 7 hours in one spell.
When you start weaning and they actually take a decent amount, which can take a few weeks, then they do tend to start sleeping better.
Also are you getting out and about and meeting other new mums. This really helps as it tires baby out and gives you a chance to see that everyone else is going through the same stuff.

Yes, so so so normal. And it does get better. And this will become a distant memory. A very, very distant memory.

Unless you have a second...

@sittingonacornflake

Yes, so so so normal. And it does get better. And this will become a distant memory. A very, very distant memory.

Unless you have a second...

God no! Definitely no plans for a second! When does it better, what age would you say?

Safely bed share - look up the sleep safe 7. I am a fully functioning human again.

And don't listen to people who tell you shit about them eating more will make them sleep blah blah. I truly believe you either get a sleeper or you don't.

It gets better. It really does.
I have a five year old and a five month old.
Have a lot of the same feelings you do but I know it passes this time and it will be ok.
You are doing great

Aw it’s completely normal, remember though you do need a break sometimes and a few hours of her being babysat so you and dh can relax would really help.

Have you started weaning yet? A full tummy will help her sleep through.

Also splitting care so daddy/daughter time an hour or two a day so you can have a bath, relax, whatever. Hope it gets better soon for you

It gets better slowly slowly. From about 7 months for us, after we sleep trained. Every few weeks I'd catch myself thinking 'oh gosh, it's so much better than 3 weeks ago' and feel the same again 3 weeks later.

DD is 2.5 now, she's great & only getting more fun, better company and less exhausting. I'd have said a firm no to a second too at 6m but pg now 🤦‍♀️ Absolutely not looking forward to the baby stage again but it IS worth enduring for the later bits.

Hi there, I have a 6 month old too. I think everything you are feeling is so normal, so don’t feel bad about it. This is hard. Can you afford to pay for a little help here and there? I recently asked my cleaner to stay on for 2 hours twice a week and in that time I can do some exercise, lie in bed watch telly, have a long bath etc. It’s so nice. I miss my old life too and if you can feel yourself again it’s great.

How bad is her sleep? Bad enough to speak with a sleep trainer? My husband and I were arguing quite a bit until our baby started sleeping better. Tiredness affects relationships so much. You’re definitely not alone! x

@FiftyShadesofMeredith

It is normal to feel like caring for a baby is relentless, especially if not sleeping. What do you mean by not sleeping though as by this point they would normally be able to go about 7 hours in one spell. When you start weaning and they actually take a decent amount, which can take a few weeks, then they do tend to start sleeping better. Also are you getting out and about and meeting other new mums. This really helps as it tires baby out and gives you a chance to see that everyone else is going through the same stuff.

So, she has no set bedtime at all, we try to settle her by 7.30 but she fights sleep until 9.30 sometimes 10pm. It's utterly draining and means we have no evening at all. Then she will wake intermittently through the night about 4-6 times, so every few hours. She may be teething at the moment which might explain it as she was previously doing much better blocks of sleep at night (we had 7-8 hours some nights as a newborn and not a peep).

Yes to baby groups - the odd ones here and there when I've slept and have the energy.

It's the impact on the relationship that's getting to me most. I can't get my head around how we once loved each other enough to create a life - you'd think we were sworn enemies the way we sometimes speak to each other.

This all sounds totally normal in my experience. Nothing can prepare you for it. Not everyone gets a ride like this but many of us do. So many sympathies for you.

My son was similar. It seemed to get better when he was about 10 months.

I too thought I'd never have another - by the time he was 3 and a half I'd had two more.

He was definitely the 'hardest' baby.

The other two were a dream compared to him. I used to say that we didn't know we had 'the girls' (our daughters).

We have started weaning, it's made no difference to her sleep. In fact her sleep is worse now than pre weaning (possibly teething??)

God I really feel for you. My only suggestion is to safely bed share if you can and just ride with it.
Don't listen to anyone regarding sleep as she will do what she wants to do. Mine woke hourly until 14m old and now ever wakes at night age 3. I learned to stop looking at the clock at night and found that made it easier.

It's so hard having a baby but life will evolve

I used to feel exactly the same as you, totally resented my new life and hated my husband! For us it got easier at about 8 months when baby was sleep trained and we always had our evenings back. We ended up doing counselling when our daughter was 1 year old though because we were being so nasty to eachother, honestly the best decision we have ever made. We are now expecting baby number 2 believe it or not even though we both swore to never go through it again! Once you are getting more sleep it will feel easier, the first year is sp tough and I didn't enjoy it at all! Send you lots of hugs!

I think 6 months is the worst time. Still very much a young baby but your also adding in food.

By 2 my first was starting to sleep through some time but my second is not where near.

The book ‘How not to hate your husband after kids’ is great and its for you to both read.

If she is teething give nurofen and anbesol liquid (not gel) before bed.

@traveltheworld1986

I used to feel exactly the same as you, totally resented my new life and hated my husband! For us it got easier at about 8 months when baby was sleep trained and we always had our evenings back. We ended up doing counselling when our daughter was 1 year old though because we were being so nasty to eachother, honestly the best decision we have ever made. We are now expecting baby number 2 believe it or not even though we both swore to never go through it again! Once you are getting more sleep it will feel easier, the first year is sp tough and I didn't enjoy it at all! Send you lots of hugs!

We have talked about counselling, I'm hoping it saves us. There's so much resentment and anger between us and we were absolutely fine before the baby. It makes me so sad

Honestly first 7 months were horrendous with my 2nd he had severe colic. His gut matured and he literally became a different child. Still a pain sometimes but the constant crying and zombie Mum I had become was massively reduced. In terms of sleep my first was not a fan, In general of sleep. But it will pass. At 14m he stopped bf, walked and slept like a dream. It was nothing I did that changed with either kid it was just time and staying sane one day at a time. They are 7 and 5 now and still go to bed late but I don't hear a peep the entire night from either. I'm a bit crazy as im due another next month- im going to write off at least until July. Give myself a break and remember it will will get better

OP that's crazy! My little one is 9 months and has slept 12 hours since being put into a flexible routine thanks to a sleep and feeding consultant. Before that he would wake at 2am and it would take an hour and a half rocking and cuddling plus feed to settle him. I can put the link of the lady I used if that helps (not sure if mumsnet rules allow that) - £80 for an hour zoom call. I am a new human being - he is out like a light at 7 - I have dinner and watch TV with DH and that's three hours of time together bed at ten and then he's up between 6.30/7. Best £80 I have ever spent! Good luck!!

Have you got plans to go back to work? Honestly, the break from 24/7 childcare might actually help.

It does get better! I swore NEVER again after dc1. Felt that way until she was two and then fell pregnant with dc2 shortly afterwards. Not saying that you should have a second, but just that the "never again" hellishness does stop!

Dc1 started sleeping pretty well at about 10 mo. I don't know why tbh. She had not been good until then and I spent my entire life at that time devoted to trying to get her to sleep more.

Fwiw dc2 was a good sleeper and then I realised that the absolute lack of sleep with dc1 wasn't necessarily the norm.

@onedaysoonish

OP that's crazy! My little one is 9 months and has slept 12 hours since being put into a flexible routine thanks to a sleep and feeding consultant. Before that he would wake at 2am and it would take an hour and a half rocking and cuddling plus feed to settle him. I can put the link of the lady I used if that helps (not sure if mumsnet rules allow that) - £80 for an hour zoom call. I am a new human being - he is out like a light at 7 - I have dinner and watch TV with DH and that's three hours of time together bed at ten and then he's up between 6.30/7. Best £80 I have ever spent! Good luck!!

Yes please, I need whatever help I can get!

I would KILL for just 3 hours of time together with my partner on an evening. It would save us I'm sure of it

Yes I have plans to return to work in the new year. Maybe this will help!

This all sounds really normal OP. That doesn’t mean to say it isn’t extremely hard though. Nothing prepares you for how much your life changes in the first year, especially if your baby is further up the high needs spectrum. I really hit a wall at about 6 months - DS was so demanding of me 24/7 - suddenly he needed so much stimulation (which I had zero energy for) when he was awake, but also needed so much of me to sleep. Weaning also made sleep worse for us - between 6 to 8 months he woke every 30-90 minutes, all night long. I feel awful saying this now, but I could have easily walked away and not looked back at that point. I cried daily about how I’d ‘ruined my life’.

Thing is though, it’s a pissy, annoying phrase, but they honestly aren’t babies forever. It really does get better. Sleep will get better - wether that’s through sleep training or just waiting it out. We did very gentle sleep training (basically replaced breastfeeding to sleep with cuddles) and it did improve things, but really it was mostly the passage of time.

DS is 1.5 and he’s now asleep in his cot. DH and I are waiting for a takeaway, watching TV. A year ago I never thought we’d get here. DS still requires so much of me when awake, but he’s an engaging, gregarious toddler now who sleeps independently and it’s made the world of difference. I still miss my old life, but it’s more in a ‘rose tinted glasses’ kind of way.

Keep on going, change is around the corner. Unpopular opinion but toddlers are well better than babies! You’ll get through this x

I really feel for you. My little one has always had sleep problems due to having large adenoids/small airways. She will grow into them so not worth the risk of an operation but OMG, the sleep deprivation. At 6 months she was still only sleeping for about 2-3 hours at a stretch, then needing a good feed and cuddle to resettle her. She is nearly 4 now and often up only 1 to 2 times per night. This week I hit the sleep lottery and she slept through 2 full nights then was only up 1 times per night the last 2 nights. A cold means being back to getting up every hour for her. Whoever said she should be sleeping for a 7 hour stretch at 6 months, I have known very few babies who have done that at that age, parented in lots of different ways. Please don't make parents feel worse by giving out false expectations.

I have no advice except try and alternate daytime naps so that someone is vaguely functional and try and forgive and forget. For us it improved massively about 2.5 years and I now consider a night with only 1 wake up as a good night.

*Weaning also made sleep worse for us - between 6 to 8 months he woke every 30-90 minutes, all night long. I feel awful saying this now, but I could have easily walked away and not looked back at that point. I cried daily about how I’d ‘ruined my life’.
*

I can relate to this SO strongly