When does this get better? :(

[trappedbylife]

I have a 6 month old. It's relentless. She doesn't sleep. She takes up every waking moment of the day and night. Me and her Dad do nothing but argue. We never have time for us anymore, barely have a conversation unless it's a "handover" of what the baby needs. We have no support around us. I feel so trapped I just want to run away. I miss our old life so much. Is it normal to feel like I've ruined my life by having a baby?! I love her so, so much - honestly. But my god I am miserable. Is this normal? ☹️

Sorry was supposed to be bold

@trappedbylife it's

www.rachelsbabies.com/

She was a lifesaver for me - good luck!

I really feel for you! My boy (now 15mo) was a terrible sleeper from 3.5 - 8 months. Got to get them self settling to sleep (introduced comforter and gradually shifted him from feeding to sleep to shush patting in the cot then just leaving him with the comforter).
He was still having short naps, waking every 2hrs in the night and only wanting to be held from 4am. A sleep consultant suggested it could be tummy/silent reflux so I cut out dairy for both of us. Seemed to come right from 8 - 12 months he woke twice a night then at 1yo sleeping through woooopppp!
You really need to give them lots of fresh air and exercise to wear them out between naps and fill them up with food/milk.
Hang in there, I felt like the while thing got better at about 8 months when they go down to 2 naps and become a bit more fun to play with. Xx

Oh and if she won't settle before 9.30 to 10, then try and work out a way to enjoy evenings with her. Otherwise you are just spending hours fighting a losing battle. We watched films cuddled up together with her, then went to bed with her as she also had a night owl body clock.

Oh OP, it does get better I promise!!

I was there for about 8 months, then slowly DS started to sleep more (because we expected trained). We got our evenings back, thd sleep deprivation took a very long time to get better, DS not long turned 3 and is great fun. He generally goes to bed at 7 and wakes at 6.30, between us its manageable.

DS used to need rocked or fed to sleep for every nap, would only sleep upright on our chests or at motion, that was day and night btw. Screamed every time we went into the car too so no car naps till he was over 1.

We got through it and you will too, search for my posts from 3 years ago and you'll see how desperate I was.

We're due another one in 7 weeks time, so I must have forgotten how bad it actually was too!

Strongly advise getting some advice from Ann nurturingsleep.co.uk/ she’s pay as you and excellent.

Helps you understand why they fight sleep and what to do about it. She changed our lives.

What sort of things are you and your partner arguing over?

When DD was born it was a real shock to our system. even though we knew theoretically what to expect, actually living it was so hard. DH has always been hands on and supportive but we both struggled to adjust to the new dynamic.

Our worst thing was competitive tiredness! We were always sniping at each other about who had it worse. We had a big talk and agreed that actually we were both tired and it wasn’t a competition and we’d be better off making a plan so we both got equal rest and equal time to ourselves. It took planning and negotiation but it felt as though we were being more considerate of each other.

I think both parents need to make an extra effort to remember to be kind and thoughtful to one another. Remember there is love there and that this is just a stressful and difficult time. Remember not to take each other for granted.

In terms of sleep I think both of ours slept through from about 11 months after some gentle sleep training. We used to keep them up with us in the evening while we watched tv and chatted, taking it in turns to hold them as they slept. Any attempt as settling them to bed would result in a frustrating evening of being in and out of their rooms like a yo-yo and them getting over tired.

I have a 22m old now. we were 100% one and done until he was around 19/20m, thats how much I just didn't want to add to the level of stress we already felt. the first 10 months were HARD. then got so much better when I went back to work 3 days a week (at 11m)

we have argued less and less the older DS gets. we've always tried to let things go with each other as much as possible. we try to think 'if I feel like I'm doing 90% of the stuff, so do they'. and making sure we both get time to do something we enjoy. so it's less about who does what but if you both get an hour or whatever a day to do your own thing then it's much easier. I bedshared out of necessity for a while but still do now as I love the cuddles and it still makes life easier!

I have a 6m DD, my first, no family near by like other side of the country! May as well live in Australia is what I regularly say to DH!

It's hard but I think it shouldn't be as hard as you're experiencing.

Why do you not have a set bedtime? This really is a big thing. Set one and stick to it. 7.30 is a good time, that's what we we aim for. It doesn't have to be time they minute but roughly around 7.30 will be fine.

Your DD should go at least 5 hrs in the the first part of the night sleep sessions. It's linked with feeding though, it's so important to try and get them to have a full bottle... Or are EBF? EBF can make sleep less as breastmilk isn't as filling. It's healthier but formula lasts in their belly longer.

Set a bedtime and use Huckleberry app to work out when naps should be as it may be she's over tired.

Otherwise contact you your HV or GP as it may be something more medical like silent reflux waking her up. Just incase it's this anyway put a rolled towel under the head part of her mattress (totally safe, advised go me by a medic on 111). Hospitals also incline mattresses for babies like a this. We had an unfortunate 24hr stay at 3 months where they raised the mattress like this.

And I've not had an easy baby (not bragging) . Huge feeding issues, CMPA, reflux and silent reflux xx

Why do you not have a set bedtime?

Because she refuses to sleep

It's not for lack of trying

How do you try to get her to sleep?

Sympathies OP. It can be so hard. Your post is reminding me. I have another one on the way. DS will be 4 when he/she is due. I am dreading the baby days again. I will tell you though that this will pass. DH and I have spent all evening laughing and messing around with DS. He is just a joy now. If you'd asked me when he was 6 months I'd have said never again.

*What sort of things are you and your partner arguing over?
*
Who is most tired
Who knows best what to do with the baby
The fact we have no quality time together
The shitty way we speak to each other
I resent the fact he gets a "break" by going to work .... etc

We used to be a loving happy couple and it feels like it's all just gone.

@OkNowTellMeWhatToDo

How do you try to get her to sleep?

Dim lighting, white noise, sleep bag, has her milk, gently rocking to sleep, dummy in .... She has none of it. Just cries and fights and fights. Put her down in crib, more crying.... until 2 hours later when she gives in (usually around 9.30pm).

I don't leave her to cry for those 2 hours obviously, that reads as though I do! We are constantly back and forth to her trying to soothe her for that time. Hence no evening or time together.

What's her daytime sleep like, what hours roughly, any routine, how long? Is she getting enough for her age or too much, too little? Do you contact nap , have you tried it?

I wonder if she's just over tired, really needing a routine force on her in a way. @FATEdestiny is wondrous at providing advice.

OP I really feel for you. We were recently in the same position. I tried 3 sleep consultants but my baby is really headstrong. The only thing that worked that stopped hourly waking was the Ferber method but it took 5 hours the first night. However, any change eg illness/teething/change in location at nans house etc resulted us going back to square one so literally every 2 weeks we were back to 5 hours of Ferber. It was torture so we gave up. At 10 months I decided to co sleep and at 12 months I stopped BF and then only did things get much better. DS now sleeps through the night but only whilst co sleeping but it gets us sleep.
Weaning also didn’t help us at all. I’m sorry it’s so tough but honestly you will look back and realise it was such a short time of your life. We are now expecting DC2

Supernanny’s gentle timed sleep training worked for me when my son was 6 months old. First night is tough so you need to both brace yourselves and go into it together and know it’ll be worth it. With my son it was only one bad night and then way better after that, I think sometimes it can take a few nights tho. X

Do you have a yoga /birthing ball?

This is what we do.
Lights dimmed, nappy change, baby grow and sleeping bag and milk. Then bounced rhythmically on the ball, with rhythmic shushing to the the bounce, during sleep regressions it can take 15/20 mins to lull to sleep otherwise 2-5 minutes.
We then sit on the sofa with her held and asleep until 20 mins has passed, at this point babies enter their deep sleep stage and we then walk up to the cot and gently lower her in and retreat.

@trappedbylife

I don't leave her to cry for those 2 hours obviously, that reads as though I do! We are constantly back and forth to her trying to soothe her for that time. Hence no evening or time together.

Jesus why are you fighting her so hard? Honestly if she won't settle til then try to keep her up with you then if you say she usually gives up at 9:30 try then.

I've never had a schedule but go by cues. Sounds like you need to work on your relationship more than fight your child to sleep every night. I know it's hard but I think you both need to relax.
Your life isn't going to be the same but it does get easier

Bouncing is quite vigorous. Don't worry about shaken baby syndrome bouncing and nodding their head if it's supported does not harm them.

@DaisyChain16

Safely bed share - look up the sleep safe 7. I am a fully functioning human again.

And don't listen to people who tell you shit about them eating more will make them sleep blah blah. I truly believe you either get a sleeper or you don't.

Agree with @DaisyChain16 on this. I tried everything with DD1. She just didn’t sleep longer than about 90mins-2.5hrs in any one stretch. Ever. When weaning did absolutely fuck all I made my peace with the fact that she was a non sleeper and we rearranged so that we could safely bed share. She still woke up but I didn’t as much and would feed her half asleep. We all got so much more sleep that way. And as for the poster who said they should be sleeping circa 7hrs at a time by 6m.... maybe most do but not a chance in hell my eldest could/would. She never once slept through the night until she went to full time school aged 4yrs 8m.

And then I had DD2 who was sleeping 12-14hrs at 4 weeks old. Some parents, same feeding method, same everything. Except, if anything, her sleeping conditions were worse because she had a mental, loud, non sleeping 18m old sister running around her like an elephant. DD1 used to wake up in the night for a feed while her newborn sister snored away. They were clearly just polar opposites of the sleep spectrum!

So @trappedbylife cosleeping is your friend for sure. Research how to do it safely and enjoy some more sleep.

I don’t mean this as a criticism of any PPs.

Arbitrary statements about how long a 6 month old ‘should’ be able to sleep, or how the OP is not doing a routine or bedtime correctly, isn’t that helpful. Maybe I’m biased because my experience is similar to OPs, but small babies either sleep or they don’t. If they don’t, there isn’t a huge heap you can do about it. Don’t get me wrong, in older babies and toddlers, a solid nap routine and bedtime is really important. I’d be lost without a routine with my toddler now. But until about 8 or 9 months (basically when DS started moving and actually tiring himself out), nothing I did impacted nights or naps. It gave me lots of anxiety trying to get him into a routine that he was completely resistant to.

Sorry OP, that’s not much actual help, but just to say don’t feel like a failure if your DC isn’t napping for hours or going down easily at 7pm, like babies are ‘expected’ to. In my experience, some just don’t and you’ll spiral into depression trying to force it. It will get better.