When does this get better? :(

[trappedbylife]

I have a 6 month old. It's relentless. She doesn't sleep. She takes up every waking moment of the day and night. Me and her Dad do nothing but argue. We never have time for us anymore, barely have a conversation unless it's a "handover" of what the baby needs. We have no support around us. I feel so trapped I just want to run away. I miss our old life so much. Is it normal to feel like I've ruined my life by having a baby?! I love her so, so much - honestly. But my god I am miserable. Is this normal? ☹️

Round about the 12 week mark babies sleeping pattern changes and this can cause them a bit of confusion and think it’s getting up time. My DD was a nightmare - barely slept day or night. Lots of 3am arguments about who was most tired! Eventually we left her to cry for a couple of minutes - and to our amazement she settled herself. Was only up 1-2 in the night after that and by about 1 she slept through. You are through the worst

I feel for you OP. I felt exactly the same when DD1 was this age. It's so hard and our relationship really suffered. People used to say, 'oh when she's on solids/crawling/walking she'll sleep better'. Nope. It took time. And it took sleep training to get her to go to bed without hours of crying but it did get better and we got our evenings back.

DD was 6 when she started sleeping through. She's 9 now and the sleeping problems have started again, it takes her forever to get to sleep and she very rarely sleeps through anymore 😫

Ds1 was a sleeper, and still our relationship was on the brink of destruction. It took us 3 years before considering a 2nd. Ds2 doenst sleep, hes 17 months -we've done nothing different. From 4 months to 11 months he woke every 2 hours every night. Weaning didn't help. Co sleeping got me more sleep but didn't stop him waking.

You need to be on the same team, competitive tiredness doesn't work. Use weekends to do nothing, both of you do nothing but do nothing together.

I went back to work ft when ds2 was 9 months and it made a huge difference, I was exhausted still but that 7 hours a day of being 'me' again and having a conversation to bring home to dh meant my mind was working again and not focused on milk and naps and messy play.

I feel for you op, it does get better, then it gets worse again then better then you look back and miss it all 🤦‍♀️

What are her wake windows looking like? Maybe get her down for a nap every 2 hours of awake time.

Not saying that will help with night sleep (I have a 6 month old who loves a party over night) but it might resolve some of the late evenings.

It does get easier or maybe your expectations change and you get used to your new life! Co-sleep and babywear for naps. That saved us. Have tried one of those recommended sleep trainers but that was absolute rubbish. Keep your money and spare yourself and your child. Some kids won’t be up for sleep training no matter the method. As for the partner, I don’t know. Tried to give each other a break from looking after the baby. Go back to work when your maternity leave ends. Hang in there! It

Routine absolutely helps yes, but some just are rubbish sleepers. We were firmer with DD1’s routine and she’s a rubbish sleeper still. DD2 is fab so far, with slightly less focus on routine due to toddler social life.

White noise was key. They’re both like Pavlov’s dogs, conditioned to know that white noise means sleep time. Possibly because I’ve slept with it on for years myself, and during both pregnancies.

One day, when DD1 was about 11 months and cruising/starting to walk (never crawled) DP and I suddenly realised that we’d been sitting on the sofa chatting for half an hour while DD1 pottered about quite happily grabbing stuff. Absolute revelation - once they start to be able to do more things for themselves, movement being the key one, you suddenly get more headspace in my experience. Helps a lot.

I felt like you when DS was 6 months. Got loads better around the 18 month mark for me but he was a late walker and a really shit sleeper, you might find the sun comes out earlier!

Totally normal. It gets gradually better and then suddenly amazing when they’re about 3

It really is difficult and I feel for you. My daughter is 14 months and has just started to sleep through.

Jesus why are you fighting her so hard?

Erm. I didn't say I was fighting her?!

OP we can't help you if you don't answer questions and provide info...

The resentment and competitive tiredness is a killer. For me I had (still have) a velcro baby who only ever wants me and even though I embraced the contact napping and co-sleeping as the way that seemed to work best for her, it felt like it fell really disproportionately on me. I stayed at home till now really, I've changed career path so I can work freelance from home and have more time with DD. Even though it's what I wanted it's a hard adjustment sometimes. Plus the physical impact, the postnatal anxiety I went through, the sheer relentlessness of it and the being touched out, the way my back hurts from lugging her around all day - all seems to fall on me. DH is honestly great, takes over once he gets home, did shifts at night when she was smaller and now will get up extra early to give me a bit more sleep on a week day or takes her for a whole morning/ day if I need it at the weekend. Does his share at home etc. But still - the resentment I felt for most of the first year was something else.

For us it got better about 1 year when she started going in her cot for the first part of the night and we got some time together in the evening. Things like starting up our hobbies one night a week each again, starting to make plans with friends etc also helped. Until that point it was a case of just gritting our teeth and getting through and trusting it would get easier really - things like forcing myself to give him a quick hug when it didn't come naturally, biting my tongue (as I'm sure he had to very often), taking her a walk in the pram but then sitting on a bench together with a hot drink and having a chat/ holding hands, sometimes we'd just go for a drive and have a chat/ listen to music (luckily for us DD was always fairly chilled in the car). Not much and there were still lots of moans and bickering in between but they were enough to get us through I think.

Yes its normal what you are feeling, although it would make it much easier if you and your husband tried to work more as a team, although i know sleep deprivation makes this difficult. I found each stage brings its own challenges but the way I see it is each stage makes you more resilient for the next. Mines 2.5 now and honestly I find this stage SO hard. Its physically and mentally relentless. But, I know as his speach gets better and his understanding we will get through it and move onto the next hurdle.
We too have no family support and are like sailing ships in the wind but my mum friends were and still are key to me staying sane. I go out everyday, whether it be soft play or to a friends house to make the days less hideous and find having another Mum around me helps massively. Its bloody hard with a child all day whatever age and whoever say a days work is more tiring is delusional!

Instead of routines they SHOULD have look at her natural routine. Note it down for a week. When does she naturally get hungry and when does she get sleepy and then nudge her on to HER routine?
For example DS1 could only ever stay awake for 45 mins after waking up in the morning. Needed a short early morning nap and a long afternoon nap. (Still not a morning person and he’s close to 10!)
DS2 could do 2.5 hours after wake up and then needed a long nap and then a much shorter afternoon nap. He’s nearly 5 and still wakes up all ready to go!

So if I was forcing one to the other’s routine because a book or a sleep consultant said so I would have spent hours fighting an unhappy child.

Going back to work made me more tired btw. I was doing the same shit but work on top of that. At least I had adult conversation.

@AliasGrape

The resentment and competitive tiredness is a killer. For me I had (still have) a velcro baby who only ever wants me and even though I embraced the contact napping and co-sleeping as the way that seemed to work best for her, it felt like it fell really disproportionately on me. I stayed at home till now really, I've changed career path so I can work freelance from home and have more time with DD. Even though it's what I wanted it's a hard adjustment sometimes. Plus the physical impact, the postnatal anxiety I went through, the sheer relentlessness of it and the being touched out, the way my back hurts from lugging her around all day - all seems to fall on me. DH is honestly great, takes over once he gets home, did shifts at night when she was smaller and now will get up extra early to give me a bit more sleep on a week day or takes her for a whole morning/ day if I need it at the weekend. Does his share at home etc. But still - the resentment I felt for most of the first year was something else.

For us it got better about 1 year when she started going in her cot for the first part of the night and we got some time together in the evening. Things like starting up our hobbies one night a week each again, starting to make plans with friends etc also helped. Until that point it was a case of just gritting our teeth and getting through and trusting it would get easier really - things like forcing myself to give him a quick hug when it didn't come naturally, biting my tongue (as I'm sure he had to very often), taking her a walk in the pram but then sitting on a bench together with a hot drink and having a chat/ holding hands, sometimes we'd just go for a drive and have a chat/ listen to music (luckily for us DD was always fairly chilled in the car). Not much and there were still lots of moans and bickering in between but they were enough to get us through I think.

This is incredibly helpful , thank you

@AliasGrape

I need to put into practice some of your suggestions like biting my tongue, hugging him even if I don't want to, and going for a drive so we can have a conversation etc... Here's hoping it gets better when her bedtime is earlier and we have some sort of evening back!

[quote trappedbylife]@AliasGrape

I need to put into practice some of your suggestions like biting my tongue, hugging him even if I don't want to, and going for a drive so we can have a conversation etc... Here's hoping it gets better when her bedtime is earlier and we have some sort of evening back! [/quote]
It’s really hard and it definitely felt like that last thing I wanted to do sometimes. But it did work. It honestly does get easier.

We did talk to a sleep consultant also about how to move from cosleeping to the cot. I didn’t do any sleep training and still never let her cry, always pick her up if that’s what she wants etc, but the lady we spoke to was really gentle and just helped with things like timings and different sleep associations. A blackout blind was one thing we introduced. But DD was 1 by that point and I think really ready for the change. But if you want to google the woman we spoke to it was Fox and the Moon Infant Sleep. I’m not saying she has any miracle cures or anything but just wanted to give full disclosure that we did get a bit of help!

Mine just turned 9 months and honestly…most of the days I just want to grab my phone, leave the key on the table, close the door and walk out, never looking back..

I'd say it gets better about 3 and a half, even then it's still hard work! Parenting under 5s is just hard I think. At least when they are toddlers they should sleep through etc though.

Oh come on, 3 and a half before it gets easier, geeze give the OP a break. 6 months is a very difficult phase, they are totally dependent on you and if not sleeping well then it is 24 7.
In my experience they gradually get easier and once they are mobile they tire easily and are more inclined to sleep well. There are things you can do to effect sleep but some sleep better than others naturally.
Do you have any plans to return to work or use nursery in the near future? It does really help if you can get time to yourself/yourselves on a regular basis and can make you a better parent. If nothing else take it on turns with your partner to have a night off.

This might seem a mad idea, but what about not putting her to bed until she's asleep?

That’s what we did when my dd was that age (and dp still does a year on if he's doing bedtime). We'd just keep her in the lounge with us and she would fall asleep on dp when she was ready. He'd then transfer her to bed once she was in a deep sleep.

Ok, so we might have had less of an evening than friends who did gentle withdrawal, but it worked for us. We still got to spend the evening together, albeit with a tired baby. A year on and we still don't have a regular bedtime, but she's so variable with daytime napds among other things it's little wonder.

@AnabelBaby

Oh come on, 3 and a half before it gets easier, geeze give the OP a break. 6 months is a very difficult phase, they are totally dependent on you and if not sleeping well then it is 24 7. In my experience they gradually get easier and once they are mobile they tire easily and are more inclined to sleep well. There are things you can do to effect sleep but some sleep better than others naturally. Do you have any plans to return to work or use nursery in the near future? It does really help if you can get time to yourself/yourselves on a regular basis and can make you a better parent. If nothing else take it on turns with your partner to have a night off.

Don't be so rude! I am giving my experience. Like I said the sleeping etc should improve shortly, but as for actually parenting day to day, I only really felt like it was a lot easier when they were around 3 and a half. That's just my experience and opinion, no need to berate me for it. I'm not gonna come on here and lie and say oh op it's fine by the time they are 8 months old as in my experience I was still in hell at that point. I suffered massively with PND for at least 18 months and I think part of that was just not knowing how hard it would be, and everyone around me telling me it got easier when they were 12 weeks, then 12 months etc, and then me feeling shit when I was still massively struggling. I love being a parent 90 percent of the time now, but you couldn't pay me to go back to the beginning. Not every baby is an easy one.

They’re not babies for three and a half years though are they, it sounds like your health issues have caused you to see things in a more negative way than most. The OP hasn’t said anything about suffering mental ill health.

My heart goes out to you. My little one is 7 months old and has only just started sleeping more than a few hours a go. I think having food made all the difference to help settle for longer. Me and my wife missed eachother so much but ever since the sleep became consistent we have our evenings back together.

Going to a music group and seeing other mums really helped me.

You will get you time back, hang in there you'll be doing fab XXX