DD3 has a new friend with possible SEN DH doesn't approve

[ToPlayOrNotToPlay]

NC for this as it feels a bit sensitive.

DD is 3, there's a play activity she goes to once a week that she's been going to for about a month now. At this group she's made a new friend who's the same age as her. He's a lovely boy and they get on really well together and are very affectionate with each other. However they both get really overexcited together as well and cause a bit of chaos.

They're probably going to end up at the same primary school together. On the whole DD is pretty well behaved, usual 3 yr old dramas but always get positive feedback from nursery that she's always on the go but is good and follows instructions. When DD is with her new friend she doesn't listen at all, he is suspected of having autism and/or adhd and will literally run around shouting and jumping and stomping which she joins in with. I am happy with her being friends with him, I think they clearly get on and it's good to know that not everyone is the same and people have different strengths and that it's good to have friends who you get on with,but I need to figure out how to explain to her that some of his behaviours it's not OK to do. She thinks well he's not getting in trouble so I can do it too, joins in and it escalates to them both being chaotic. There's a part of the group where they need to sit reasonably quietly for a story and they're really disruptive together.

DH thinks we need to distance her as he worrys her behaviour will change and she's obviously too young to understand that when he does it he's not being naughty but when she does she is. He thinks her being friends with him at school is a bad idea in the long run which I completely disagree with as they clearly like each others company, but I do see his point about her being easily led and his worry that she'll be perceived as 'naughty'

What do you think, is DH right? And how do explain to her that she's not allowed to run around shouting during quiet time but that he still does without making him sound 'different' to her.

Well, you frame it as "everyone is supposed to, but some people find it takes more work" - in the same way that some people are better at colouring or jumping. It might take her friend a bit longer to be able to sit down quietly. Perhaps it would help him to learn if everyone else was doing it as well as they possibly could?

Your dh is a twat sorry you married him must be awful to find out he's so discriminating. What if it was your dd with the special needs how would you feel if people avoided her.

You can just correct your dd when its time to calm down etc no explanation needed. The boys parents will probably do the same anyway because despite sen they can try implementing strategies to distract him when he's getting over excited, but that's there job. You just work with your dd.

Ah, so this is why I have no 'parent friends' and my child is socially ostracised?

Thanks for confirming my suspicions

I have a child with ADHD so my view is biased. My first thought it poor little boy, only three years old and already losing friends because of his condition. It'll probably just get worse for him as he gets older.

It's a good thing for your DD to learn that we are all different, some people struggle with things that she can find easy etc.

It must be so hard for the parents of this young lad - having friends must be so important to him. Can you try and arrange to sit with your DD completely away from this lad during the quiet sessions so she behaves better then? And maybe meet this boy at other times - outside, in play areas - where they can go wild together, as 3 year olds should all be able too!
I find at 3, not 13, she's not going to be behaving really badly and you don't need to worry too much about the future, and you need to think of it from this boy and his family's perspective too - imagine that was your child and not the DD you so luckily have.

@Amazingblossoms its ok, much better to not be associated with people like op 'd'h. Imagine being him or married to him, id rather be alone.

[quote Arren12]@Amazingblossoms its ok, much better to not be associated with people like op 'd'h. Imagine being him or married to him, id rather be alone.[/quote]
Thanks.. it's just made me cry tbh, brought back lots of very hurtful memories.

My dd is autistic, very quiet and reserved. She had kids in her class whose parents were like your Dh @ToPlayOrNotToPlay told them not to play with the odd girl. It caused huge problems and our mp even was involved because the school backed the parents and told dd she couldn't do certain trips or activities that required groups. She still has therapy as an adult for anxiety, and struggles with believing anyone can be her friend. Don't be that parent

Thank you @merryhouse that's really helpful I'll definitely try that, I just didn't want it to seem to her like I was saying he finds this hard in front of him iyswim.

@Arren12 we've had that conversation, I'm completely against her avoiding him. I think Dh just gets quite anxious himself and on the weeks he's taken her he finds it difficult as he feels like everyone is looking and judging him for not 'controlling' her and worries that's what she'll do at school. He does think it must be hard for her friends mum. Am I better keeping her away from him in the quiet bits? I worry that that seems like I'm saying they can't be together which I don't want to do and it upsets them both as they want to sit together they're just not very good at it yet.

@Amazingblossoms I'm definitely not avoiding them we attempt conversation when the kids aren't charging about.

@drpaddington exactly I don't want him losing friends, I want her to stay friends with him but for her behaviour not to get so chaotic because it definitely makes his behaviour worse like having her with him they just get really overexcited together, like all kids, they quickly escalate. If you were his mum what would you want me to be saying to DD together, I'm constant doing its time to sit and be quiet, it's time to listen, as does his mum. Would you rather I physically moved away in quiet times so DD didn't 'encourage' him, or would that feel like I'm avoiding them,I'd hate to make them feel I was avoiding them.

@gogohm my dd 9 is the same very very quiet. She never gets invited to play dates ever and it breaks my heart. She had one play date but once the mum found out about her diagnosis they stopped.

Tell dh he needs to home school dd. Keep her away from all unsavoury characters.
What a plonker

Oh gosh this makes me so sad
I have a 5 year old that sounds like this child, we’re still in the diagnosis merry go round with Paeds, CAHMS & the school so I can’t even say to people that he has ADHD or is autistic yet as we have no official diagnosis
So just have to sit quietly whilst lists to other Mums telling their children to stay away from him or not play with him
It’s like a punch in the gut every single time
Your DH sounds like a knob, this boy is 3! Three!! And he’s already discriminating him!

Agree with PP’s, don’t let your DH influence you into being that parent. My DC are all autistic and I have also felt ostracised on so many occasions.

Try and talk it through with your DD, talk to her about showing the little boy what to do, how it will make her a great friend and show kindness etc.

To be honest if she's a bit of a live wire and playing with any particular child always ends in chaos and ignoring adults, I would keep them apart. I have done in fact - no SEN but a very active and unruly child, who my DS was starting to emulate.

I also think this boy's parents are doing him no favours by letting him run wild. None of the SEN kids I know are just let loose - their parents work extremely hard to prevent this.

They're 3 year olds at a play activity. Let them be.

Try and talk it through with your DD, talk to her about showing the little boy what to do, how it will make her a great friend and show kindness etc.

Sorry but I disagree with this. It's not her job, it's his parents'.

@Amazingblossoms I'm so sorry I didn't mean to upset anyone, I want her to maintain the friendship I was just looking for tips as I want to manage her behaviour but I also don't want her to think he's 'different ' iyswim at the moment he's just her friend, that's how she sees him and I want to keep it like that, but that means I've struggled to explain why his behaviour is OK but it's not for her to do the same.
DH struggles with a lot of social anxiety feeling like people are looking at him and judging him, I know that's where he's coming from as he feels conscious that people are looking and judging. I've pointed out that's exactly what he would be doing to the other family if he distanced her, he does understanding he just struggles and then always wants to go with what he sees as the easiest solution. I want to encourage them to be friends but for her to still listen and follow instructions, and have no idea how to do that but that's my issue not theirs.

@gogohm I'm so sorry you're daughter has had that experience, I'm trying to teach her that everyone's different, its just hard to navigate what to say, I suppose when I started this thread I was looking for tips to manage her behaviour when with him in a subtle way that works, it's making me realise how easily led she is, if he was sat being quiet she would do the same, if he was jumping down a flight of stairs she would do the same so that's obviously something I need to work on with her.

I think the SN thing is a slight red herring here. In my experience pretty much all kids have at least one friend who they become a total nightmare around. Mine certainly do.

My youngest’s bestie, for example. I’m very fond of her, but she’s a cheeky wee shite at times and my youngest always emulates her. Her behaviour is always worse after she’s been with this friend. She had friends at nursery who would run wild and so she would copy them.

But do you know what? You can’t choose their friends for them. You need to just get on with it.

@GoGoGretaDoll

They're 3 year olds at a play activity. Let them be.

This.

When she goes to school she will make other friends and they are more likely all be other girls within a couple of years.

Girls can be really horrible to each other. Your "d"h will then wish she was still good friends with this boy, as boys don't tend to go in for the physiological BS girls tend to use against each other.

Your DH is a colossal bellend.

Sounds like your h could possibly do with some parenting classes or at least advise on child development. Its quite normal for 3 year olds to be excited, running and loud. Of course there are times when they need to listen or be quiet but these are very few and far between at 3 and certainly not at a play place. When did trying to make 3 year old sit quietly in a corner become a thing. Let them be. We are no longer in the era of children should be seen and not heard.

I also think the children should remain friends. Your husband shouldn’t be dictating this at 3 fgs. I had this once when my dd was not even 3. Someone my friend was not close to invited us both to hers and said they’d like to see my friend again but not with my dd. There was zero reason. Dd is a child with amazing amounts of energy so was running round but not upsetting anyone, was really gentle with the younger sibling etc.

My friend was pretty cross and told me. We were both bemused. I was initially upset but these days can laugh at how ridiculous she was. I’m still friends with this friend. Haven’t seen the other woman for years. One of those, who thinks she’s better than everyone else.

Does the parent try to get the little boy to rein it in?

Start with the parent of your DD’s friend. How do they manage - or try to manage - their DS’s behaviour? How do they describe their DS and how open are they to talking about his behaviour?

I think it would be fine to discuss it with them from the POV of “I’m going try to encourage DD to sit quietly at X time” and see where that discussion leads.

But also - it’s an activity for 3 year olds, and she’s been going a month. Everyone needs to chill.

Get DD to sit quietly for the story time - tell her it’s what we have to do and it doesn’t matter if X is jumping around, he finds it hard to sit still at the moment but she needs to concentrate on sitting with you. Praise her loads for doing it.

This is just so sad. My boy, now 8, is and has been best friend with a child in his class who is autistic since he was 3. It's really not that difficult to have conversations with your child about right and wrongs and why some may be different to us. If anything, having a friend who has additional needs has helped my child develop empathy and understanding at a quicker rate. Excluding those who are different to us is absolutely against the values I'm teaching my child and your DP is horrible for suggesting that's what he would like to teach your child.