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Parenting

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Original poster

DH says I hate our baby girl?

87 replies

hddsdd · 04/11/2021 11:22

NC as this is outing and I'm a regular on here.

Can you help me approach/handle this situation please?

Married, three DC. Ages 7, 3, 3mths.

I had to return to work after 2 weeks for reasons I can't go into. Used our savings (that I saved... but that's another thread) to enable DH to take 5 months off work to look after babyDD. I could not leave work, this was not an option.

I'm quite poorly, horrendous delivery lead to a haemorrhage and I'm subsequently very anaemic, I'm on lots of medication to manage this. I've also had an invasive contraceptive procedure recently that I'm still quite uncomfortable from.

I do 75% of housekeeping, most meals or else kids will live on nuggets and chips. I also arrange and pay for childcare. My family help out a lot, his family occasionally. I also do 3yr old bed time and she has additional needs so this sometimes can be a challenge. I also take all the kids out over my days off, to give DH a break.

Naturally, I'm stressed out. I'm doing my best. Youngest baby has recently become a cryer. She is desperately upset, we've had trips to the hospital and GP. It's colic, we've never had this before. She's also a great sleeper, I'm very grateful for this, she's just miserable all day which is horrible to see.

She seems to cry more when I'm soothing her, last night after pain relief from my procedure wore off, I was struggling to soothe her. I was upset and commented to DH "i feel like she hates me" his response:

"Why don't you do more with her..."

I bit my tongue because I wanted to cry.

This morning, I'm about to start zoom meeting. Baby crying, I'm trying to soothe her again, I'm also worrying she's picking up on my stress. DH takes her from me to help, he then says:

"You really hate DD" I said "what??" He said "it's like you hate her"

I called him nasty, phoned my mum who reassured me no one has any concerns about me hating my daughter, except apparently DH.

How do I approach this? I do not hate my child, I am terrified I can't soothe her. I love our kids dearly and I am working so hard for them

He then proceeded to interrupt my meeting to ask if we could talk, he said my moods are horrible and I snap at him too much? He said I need to see a doctor.

OP posts:

mynameiscalypso · 04/11/2021 11:28

Your DH is a dick. He's a SAHP and yet you're doing the majority of the work at home and seemingly trying to care for a baby while working. But I guess you know that already. It sounds like life is really tough at the moment. Is he going back to work in a couple of months? What's going to happen with baby then? It doesn't sound like you hate your baby at all. It sounds like you have a lazy arse of a husband.

Original poster

hddsdd · 04/11/2021 11:30

He'll be returning to work in a couple of months, baby DD will be going to nursery (same as our middle DD) and we are lucky to have some childcare from my family.

It's as though he doesn't realise how hurtful he's been by what he said

OP posts:

Tillysfad · 04/11/2021 11:41

He's projecting and I think you know that.

The first few months after a baby is born are so hard and you're clearly seeing the worst of him. I'm not saying you should put up with it, only that you really need to dismiss his witterings.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General parenting

Dcrolo12345 · 04/11/2021 11:46

You need some time off work and a break how on earth did you manage back at work 2 weeks after a horrific delivery , poor you. He sounds horrible why are you letting him treat you like this I would feel like leaving, you shouldn’t be doing 75% housework?

Lollypop701 · 04/11/2021 11:46

As the stay at home parent, why are you soothing baby when working? Why is he interrupting your work call? Basically you are stressed because he’s not doing enough, especially considering your health issues. Write down what you do and what he does and tell him he needs to step up.

Chewieboora · 04/11/2021 11:49

This is mad OP. He sounds so incredibly horrible. How on earth can you heal in this environment?

SprayedWithDettol · 04/11/2021 12:03

He knows exactly how hurtful he is being. It is a deliberate, concerted attack on you. This isn’t a tenable relationship.

3peassuit · 04/11/2021 12:09

Why on earth are you doing 75% of the housework alongside full time work when you’re unwell? You’re clearly doing more than your share and are exhausted. DH should be stepping up rather than accusing you of hating your child. As for nuggets and chips, a grown man is more than capable of cooking simple nutritious meals for children. He is the problem, not you.

Quartz2208 · 04/11/2021 12:10

What does HE do OP because you seem to work, pay for most things, do 75% housework all of the meals and a lot of childcare.

This morning you were stressed that she was crying and needed to do a meeting and rather than taking her away he added to it.

He then interrupted your meeting - you do need to talk and I think you do need some help but he is a lot of your problem.

How do you approach this - firstly being terrified that you cant soothe her will I think cause you to be tense and mean you cant soothe her (I have always said I can get other peoples babies to settle easier than I sometimes found mine because the stress has been taken away)

and then seek help because your relationship sounds abusive

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/11/2021 12:11

I can only repeat what others are saying. Why are you trying to soothe the baby whilst you are working? Where was he?

Why are you still doing everything?

You had a tough delivery and then you went straight back to work. No wonder you’re exhausted and having a dick of a dh really doesn’t help.

sillysmiles · 04/11/2021 12:18

It sounds like you have had a really rough time. Traumatic birth, invasive procedure, on a lot of meds, working, doing housework, managing the kids. You have a lot on your plate.
While he sounds like he is being an ass, is he partial right (not in the hating your baby) but in that you should talk to a GP because you are dealing with a lot.

Hoppinggreen · 04/11/2021 12:21

He’s the SAHP, why are you trying to soothe her while working?
He’s trying to guilt you into doing everything while he chills out.
I’m guessing the reasons you had to go straight back to work are around what he does/doesn’t earn

LethargicActress · 04/11/2021 12:23

Tbf, it wouldn’t be surprising if you are suffering with PND if you’ve had to go back to work at 2 weeks, especially with al the added stress you have. A chat with a doctor is probably a good idea.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2021 12:24

Your husband sounds useless. You are doing 75% of the work? Does he think he's on holiday?

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 04/11/2021 12:27

I also take all the kids out over my days off, to give DH a break.
A break from what?!

MrsBertBibby · 04/11/2021 12:29

It's as though he doesn't realise how hurtful he's been by what he said

Oh he knows. He absolutely knows. Nasty shit.

Seeline · 04/11/2021 12:31

So the 3yo is at nursery?
And the 7yo is at school?
And you do 75% housework, and the cooking?
And you look after the baby when you should be working?

What does your partner do?

ArianaDumbledore · 04/11/2021 12:32

It reads to me like he is trying to sabotage you and rather than supporting is determined to up the ante. Of course he knows it's hurtful, he's right there and it sounds like he's treating you with contempt, rather than kindness.

It's hard to make decisions when you're in the thick of everything, especially when in pain. But the probably here really isn't you.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 04/11/2021 12:33

Respond with

'I don't hate her at all. I do however hate how your comment made me feel, I hate that I'm in pain, I hate having to take meds, I hate having to go to work so soon after giving birth, I hate doing 75% of all the housework whilst working, I hate doing doing the lions share of childcare and I hate that you don't support me' 'what are you going to do to help me'

timeisnotaline · 04/11/2021 12:35

You’re stressed because he’s not doing enough. Next weekend instead of taking the dc out to help him can you go to your mums and rest? I don’t trust him to let you sleep all day.

NowEvenBetter · 04/11/2021 12:43

How do you think your husbands behaviour is in any way acceptable? What a dreadful man.

AndSoFinally · 04/11/2021 12:45

In the nicest possible way, might he have a point?

You've really been through the mill here, and I don't suppose any of this is what you planned.

You'd have every reason to be a bit depressed at the moment. Sometimes this shows itself as being snappy and short tempered rather than tearful or low.

Might he be right and it's worth you seeing a GP ?

Equally, he might just be a knob

NerrSnerr · 04/11/2021 12:45

Why isn't he doing more? Have you spoken to him about the division of labour!

Zakana · 04/11/2021 12:46

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Respond with

This….fantastic retort! You would do well to say this to him. And he does know what he is saying, he’s being a nasty, spiteful shit!

hotmeatymilk · 04/11/2021 12:48

I also take all the kids out over my days off, to give DH a break.
A break from fucking WHAT? Your DH is nasty and while it’s not a competition he’s clearly doing far less of the load – mentally, emotionally, physically and financially – than you. And being a cunt about it.

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