DH says I hate our baby girl?

[hddsdd]

NC as this is outing and I'm a regular on here.

Can you help me approach/handle this situation please?

Married, three DC. Ages 7, 3, 3mths.

I had to return to work after 2 weeks for reasons I can't go into. Used our savings (that I saved... but that's another thread) to enable DH to take 5 months off work to look after babyDD. I could not leave work, this was not an option.

I'm quite poorly, horrendous delivery lead to a haemorrhage and I'm subsequently very anaemic, I'm on lots of medication to manage this. I've also had an invasive contraceptive procedure recently that I'm still quite uncomfortable from.

I do 75% of housekeeping, most meals or else kids will live on nuggets and chips. I also arrange and pay for childcare. My family help out a lot, his family occasionally. I also do 3yr old bed time and she has additional needs so this sometimes can be a challenge. I also take all the kids out over my days off, to give DH a break.

Naturally, I'm stressed out. I'm doing my best. Youngest baby has recently become a cryer. She is desperately upset, we've had trips to the hospital and GP. It's colic, we've never had this before. She's also a great sleeper, I'm very grateful for this, she's just miserable all day which is horrible to see.

She seems to cry more when I'm soothing her, last night after pain relief from my procedure wore off, I was struggling to soothe her. I was upset and commented to DH "i feel like she hates me" his response:

"Why don't you do more with her..."

I bit my tongue because I wanted to cry.

This morning, I'm about to start zoom meeting. Baby crying, I'm trying to soothe her again, I'm also worrying she's picking up on my stress. DH takes her from me to help, he then says:

"You really hate DD" I said "what??" He said "it's like you hate her"

I called him nasty, phoned my mum who reassured me no one has any concerns about me hating my daughter, except apparently DH.

How do I approach this? I do not hate my child, I am terrified I can't soothe her. I love our kids dearly and I am working so hard for them

He then proceeded to interrupt my meeting to ask if we could talk, he said my moods are horrible and I snap at him too much? He said I need to see a doctor.

Why are you doing almost everything?

Why is he interrupting your work hours? He should be taking baby out or to another room if necessary.

If positions were reversed and you were the SAHP, would you think it was acceptable to do as little as he does?

He's being a knob, but I would let him off this once (if there is no history of it) since it is a stressful time so he may be being out of character.

I'm more curious as to why you are doing 75% of the housekeeping? This would be fine if you were ok with the uneven split and preferred doing it yourself, but it doesn't sound that way. It seems even weirder when you aren't well and struggling with physical tasks.

I wouldn't minimise or excuse what he has done. He is clearly struggling as a SAHD, knows he's created the issues, and is taking this out on you.

His words are his fault as are his behaviours in interrupting you at work.

One way react is to breathe calmly to give your mind time to respond before hurt emotions kick in. Be polite, calm and factual. When he says things that aren't true, take a few breaths and tell him he's wrong. You don't need to explain further, in fact saying less and being clear gives him less to manipulate against you.

Another way to react is to turn the questions onto him e.g.,"are you asking me this because... you are not happy / you are struggling / you find it hard to see me working so much?"

I find looking after a screaming baby really tough. I basically can't handle it the crying at all and really struggle to keep my shit together. My partner has had drop work more than once as I'm going mad dealing with it. Similarly, we've both snapped and said unpleasant things to one another under the pressure. Our youngest is 9months old and we've found that things have improved with time. The only way through it is to pull together.

Op, I went back to work when my youngest was 2 weeks old - at home minding her and working only on one major project so not full time. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and my heart goes out to you.

I hope you can sit with your husband and explain to him exactly how he needs to support you during this very hard time for you. You are getting no break at all - why on earth is he getting a break on your days off? Start putting yourself first - by doing that you are also putting your baby and children first. you need rest, decent food, not to worry about your children's dinners and a husband who is openly admiringly appreciative that you have sacrificed your last maternity leave for the sake of the family.

@1forAll74

He clearly doesn't like the situation he is in, being at home for so long, and gets frustrated with dealing with a crying baby all the time.Lots of men would not like this situation, and would complain, and make comments about all and sundry.

Oh the poor dear.

Having a big talk tonight, when the kids are in bed.

He should have a vasectomy rather than you suffering with a coil not long after birth. Also he sounds horrible sorry.

Also try a soft sling and a dummy for the baby

Also also be aware if the contraception is hormonal it might make you a bit crazy and depressed so keep an eye out

He sounds incredibly cruel. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this nastiness.

So sorry you are going through this @hddsdd, it sounds incredibly tough & I hope you are ok.

How did the big talk go last night?