DH says I hate our baby girl?

[hddsdd]

NC as this is outing and I'm a regular on here.

Can you help me approach/handle this situation please?

Married, three DC. Ages 7, 3, 3mths.

I had to return to work after 2 weeks for reasons I can't go into. Used our savings (that I saved... but that's another thread) to enable DH to take 5 months off work to look after babyDD. I could not leave work, this was not an option.

I'm quite poorly, horrendous delivery lead to a haemorrhage and I'm subsequently very anaemic, I'm on lots of medication to manage this. I've also had an invasive contraceptive procedure recently that I'm still quite uncomfortable from.

I do 75% of housekeeping, most meals or else kids will live on nuggets and chips. I also arrange and pay for childcare. My family help out a lot, his family occasionally. I also do 3yr old bed time and she has additional needs so this sometimes can be a challenge. I also take all the kids out over my days off, to give DH a break.

Naturally, I'm stressed out. I'm doing my best. Youngest baby has recently become a cryer. She is desperately upset, we've had trips to the hospital and GP. It's colic, we've never had this before. She's also a great sleeper, I'm very grateful for this, she's just miserable all day which is horrible to see.

She seems to cry more when I'm soothing her, last night after pain relief from my procedure wore off, I was struggling to soothe her. I was upset and commented to DH "i feel like she hates me" his response:

"Why don't you do more with her..."

I bit my tongue because I wanted to cry.

This morning, I'm about to start zoom meeting. Baby crying, I'm trying to soothe her again, I'm also worrying she's picking up on my stress. DH takes her from me to help, he then says:

"You really hate DD" I said "what??" He said "it's like you hate her"

I called him nasty, phoned my mum who reassured me no one has any concerns about me hating my daughter, except apparently DH.

How do I approach this? I do not hate my child, I am terrified I can't soothe her. I love our kids dearly and I am working so hard for them

He then proceeded to interrupt my meeting to ask if we could talk, he said my moods are horrible and I snap at him too much? He said I need to see a doctor.

andso you think if a woman has depression that it’s ok for her husband to speak to her the way this bloke has??? And that it’s fine for him to do fuck all? Fucking dreadful post, you made.

wickedwitch it wouldn’t be ‘helping’ though. And this isn’t a decent man, so it’s a waste of breath.

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent that is great, really helpful. Thank you

I actually had been the GP and was given antidepressants, he does know about this. It's too soon for them to be working yet.

I haven't spoke to him yet, he's gone out with the baby while I get work done.

Thank you for the replies.

I'm just abit down over the whole thing, hurts me to even read my post back.

The first thing I think you should do is talk to someone (your mum?) who will give you an honest and objective opinion of how things are. Sometimes mental health issues can manifest themselves without us realising. You have had an incredibly tough run lately. Once you've been reassured that all is well, then I would be phoning a solicitor rather than a GP.

He is the problem.

Get him back to work ASAP because the last thing you need is this lazy poisonous shit in the position of SAHD

Am I right in thinking your DH is currently in the middle of the 5 months he's taken off work to look after the baby? If so, why on earth are you doing 75% of the housekeeping and paying for child care? What is he doing whilst someone else is looking after the children?

Wow poor you . I don’t know how you’re coping physically right now, let alone mentally with such a unsupportive, lazy man saying such cruel things to you. Why the hell are you doing nearly everything at home on top of working full time? And why do you need to pay for childcare? What exactly does your husband do all day? Your baby probably doesn’t settle with you so easily because she can pick up on your stress, which is your husband’s job to help ease not heighten!

I actually had been the GP and was given antidepressants, he does know about this. It's too soon for them to be working yet.

Good, I'm glad you've done this.

Once they kick in you can make any other decisions you need to make to move forward.

Depression is a horrible thing 💐

Tell him he’s the bloody reason you’re moody and snappy because he does fuck all.

Two weeks off for maternity leave is horrific, you need time to heal. Is your DH getting paid leave? Can you swap?

In your shoes I would work outside of the house, he’s not seeing that you are the working parent here

@NowEvenBetter
andso you think if a woman has depression that it’s ok for her husband to speak to her the way this bloke has??? And that it’s fine for him to do fuck all? Fucking dreadful post, you made.

No, of course it's not ok, but you only ever get one side on a forum.

If the person who is supposed to know the OP best and love her most in the whole world, suggests there may be a problem, and the OP has registered this enough to include it in her post, it would foolish to just dismiss it out of hand, no?

The baby is only 3 months so this seems like a new arrangement. You need time to work out the kinks and some of those kinks may be letting the DCs eat nuggets and chips rather than swooping in to take meals and other chores back from your DH.
Prioritise not doing 75% of the housework. Prioritise healing. Prioritise going back to the GP if you still don't feel better once the ADs kick in.

He didn’t suggest there may be a problem though. He makes OP do most of the parenting, work and makes comments like the ones in the OP. Have a read of it again, you don’t seem to have understood OPs words, no?

Wow. Crass insensitive twattery from him.

My guess is he’s a bit freaked and emotionally unintelligent under stress.

God, what a lazy, selfish, horrible man. I am really shocked reading this.

Sending hugs from a fellow colic baby mum here too. It really is horrendous. Try to remember it’s nothing you are doing wrong. You can only do your best but it’s so so hard. Your husband is being horrible and unsupportive and you are looking after everything so your mental health must be shot. I also had a bad haemorrhage after my baby due to retained placenta. She is four months now and I’m still not right so it’s a long recovery. It’s you that needs the rest and break not your husband and he is bloody lucky he is only dealing with horrible moods and not buried under your patio by now. He seriously needs to start supporting you, I’m so angry on your behalf. It’s bloody hard getting over a bad birth and when you have a baby suffering that you can’t seem to help it’s soul destroying. All I can offer to you is that things improve over time, our little girl seems to be improving a bit already. At the start literally nothing worked so there is no magic advice I can give with the colic, but something just changed and things started getting better. Hopefully the same will happen for you soon!!!

In the nicest possible way, might he have a point?

Oh "in the nicest possible way", is it? mmmhhmm

12:45AndSoFinally

Is there a nice way for you to suggest her husband might be right in claiming she hates her baby?

Is there?

No.

Was he anything to do with the reason that you had to go back to work so quickly? Because I'd frankly find that hard to forgive unless it was not his fault in any way.

I remember my ex saying a similar thing when DD2 was tiny. She was poorly and found it hard to settle, and I couldnt seem to soothe her. He said "it must be chemical between you two" as in " you just arent compatible." It has always stayed with me.

Sounds like you have a dick H too

*In the nicest possible way, might he have a point?

Oh "in the nicest possible way", is it? mmmhhmm*

Well, she says she's been put on antidepressants by the GP, so Yes!

@AndSoFinally

*In the nicest possible way, might he have a point?

Oh "in the nicest possible way", is it? mmmhhmm*

Well, she says she's been put on antidepressants by the GP, so Yes!

She also very clearly says in her OP that she does not hate her child ffs

• Is there a nice way for you to suggest her husband might be right in claiming she hates her baby?

Is there?

No.*

I didn't mean that bit, I meant he may have a point that she'd become moody and snappy and should see her GP!

@AndSoFinally

*In the nicest possible way, might he have a point?

Oh "in the nicest possible way", is it? mmmhhmm*

Well, she says she's been put on antidepressants by the GP, so Yes!

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with ADs (I have taken them for years), I'm not sure they're going to do much when OP is clearly exhausted, physically unwell, having to do almost everything at home while working and giving her partner a 'break' with little to no support from him.