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Original poster

DH says I hate our baby girl?

87 replies

hddsdd · 04/11/2021 11:22

NC as this is outing and I'm a regular on here.

Can you help me approach/handle this situation please?

Married, three DC. Ages 7, 3, 3mths.

I had to return to work after 2 weeks for reasons I can't go into. Used our savings (that I saved... but that's another thread) to enable DH to take 5 months off work to look after babyDD. I could not leave work, this was not an option.

I'm quite poorly, horrendous delivery lead to a haemorrhage and I'm subsequently very anaemic, I'm on lots of medication to manage this. I've also had an invasive contraceptive procedure recently that I'm still quite uncomfortable from.

I do 75% of housekeeping, most meals or else kids will live on nuggets and chips. I also arrange and pay for childcare. My family help out a lot, his family occasionally. I also do 3yr old bed time and she has additional needs so this sometimes can be a challenge. I also take all the kids out over my days off, to give DH a break.

Naturally, I'm stressed out. I'm doing my best. Youngest baby has recently become a cryer. She is desperately upset, we've had trips to the hospital and GP. It's colic, we've never had this before. She's also a great sleeper, I'm very grateful for this, she's just miserable all day which is horrible to see.

She seems to cry more when I'm soothing her, last night after pain relief from my procedure wore off, I was struggling to soothe her. I was upset and commented to DH "i feel like she hates me" his response:

"Why don't you do more with her..."

I bit my tongue because I wanted to cry.

This morning, I'm about to start zoom meeting. Baby crying, I'm trying to soothe her again, I'm also worrying she's picking up on my stress. DH takes her from me to help, he then says:

"You really hate DD" I said "what??" He said "it's like you hate her"

I called him nasty, phoned my mum who reassured me no one has any concerns about me hating my daughter, except apparently DH.

How do I approach this? I do not hate my child, I am terrified I can't soothe her. I love our kids dearly and I am working so hard for them

He then proceeded to interrupt my meeting to ask if we could talk, he said my moods are horrible and I snap at him too much? He said I need to see a doctor.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2021 13:38

@AndSoFinally

In the nicest possible way, might he have a point?

You've really been through the mill here, and I don't suppose any of this is what you planned.

You'd have every reason to be a bit depressed at the moment. Sometimes this shows itself as being snappy and short tempered rather than tearful or low.

Might he be right and it's worth you seeing a GP ?

Equally, he might just be a knob

How does your brain work that you could even think this let alone set it down in black and white then post it?!

I’ll rephrase your entire post.

he might just be a knob

There. Done.

NerrSnerr · 04/11/2021 13:38

@AndSoFinally are you saying that just because she's on antidepressants she may hate her baby? Do you think everyone on an antidepressant hates their baby/ child?

Can't decide whether you genuinely think this or you're just being an arse.

ArianaDumbledore · 04/11/2021 13:46

There was no justification for him interrupting the OP's work meeting to complain that she's being snappy with him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General parenting

Notahandmaid · 04/11/2021 13:48

If you have become a little moody & snappy, then it's perfectly understandable with everything you are going through/have been through. You must be absolutely exhausted. He's not pulling his weight round the house or with childcare either which must be making you feel even more exhausted. And you've had an invasive contraceptive procedure which has caused you pain & discomfort - presumably mainly for his benefit? I'm not sure how you're coping at the moment, tbh.

I'm angry on your behalf that he pulled you out of a work meeting to discuss how you're speaking to him. That's not acceptable.

My partner told me I was being snappy a few weeks after I'd lost my dad in distressing circumstances. He used this as his excuse to give me no support whatsoever and I'm having trouble forgiving him for that. If I was snappy, then he should have made allowances for me as your husband should be for you. It seems to be a 'go to' excuse for crap behaviour from them.

Tal45 · 04/11/2021 13:53

My guess would be that he's trying to guilt you into doing even more than you already do - or he's got really low self esteem due to not working and he's trying to drag you down with him.

Can you get signed off from work for a couple of weeks just to give yourself a bit of a break? It just sounds awful for you.

Tal45 · 04/11/2021 13:56

PS tell him it's not dd you hate it's his inability to do most of what needs doing, so that as well as working full time you're trying to juggle a million other things too. Of course he could make something other than chicken nuggets - but why would he when you could do it instead. Of course he should have the baby when you're in a meeting - what is he thinking??

1forAll74 · 04/11/2021 14:00

He clearly doesn't like the situation he is in, being at home for so long, and gets frustrated with dealing with a crying baby all the time.Lots of men would not like this situation, and would complain, and make comments about all and sundry.

pinkyredrose · 04/11/2021 14:00

Your husband is a twat. He's financially abusive too by the sounds of it.

TatianaBis · 04/11/2021 14:04

He’s not a SAHP he’s a lazy twat. You’re basically a single mother.

MegBusset · 04/11/2021 14:05

OP I am FURIOUS on your behalf.

How dare he pull you out of a work meeting then proceed to give you a verbal kicking?

What the fuck is he DOING all day that he can't manage the housekeeping and make a decent meal? (Yes I know being a SAHP is hard work - I was one for years. But not that hard.)

If it were me I would:

get signed off work on health grounds for at least a month
arrange for DH to go back to work asap and pay for a childminder and cleaner
if this didn't improve things, seriously consider my future in this relationship

SeemingSeamstress · 04/11/2021 14:06

Your partner is abusive and manipulative. You would have an easier life if you split from him!

So you're working but you're also trying to juggle upset children? You're working all the hours god sends in the form of paid work etc?
why do you even need childcare if he's not working?

your DH sounds like an entitled, really fucking lazy, arsehole.

wake up please OP - life is better than this.

is this the life you'd want for your children? what if they marry a "partner" (some partner!) like him??! because you've shown that's the treatment you accept from a supposed equal partner?

Heronwatcher · 04/11/2021 14:10

My first reaction is that you’re stressed beyond belief and that your husband is a gaslighting knob. If he has form for this then I would be considering serious action- like moving out for a bit etc. If he is otherwise decent then a serious talk about division of labour, mental load and not deliberately trying to hurt each other is in order. In short you need to get some stuff off your plate- whether this is by him doing more, different priorities (such as batch cooking etc), more paid help (childminder/ cleaner etc) or a total life overhaul (downsize, go part time, take a sabbatical etc) is up to you, but you sound at breaking point to me.

CSJobseeker · 04/11/2021 14:10

He's a SAHP, yet you do 75% of the housework, a large chunk of the childcare, and you're also having to try to soothe your baby during your work calls?

I can't believe what I'm reading. This isn't ok.

CSJobseeker · 04/11/2021 14:12

@1forAll74

Women don't enjoy dealing with crying babies either, but they don't usually behave like this. (And they don't have excuses made for them either.)

MadMadMadamMim · 04/11/2021 14:14

He's an utter twat. How dare he?

How dare he take 5 months off work and expect you to finance him - yet also expect you to do most of the work the lazy bastard should actually be doing?

In the nicest possible way - you'd be better to tell him to fuck right off and actually employ a nanny or someone who would actually help you.

And a nanny/au pair wouldn't make twatty, disrespectful, nasty little comments to you or drag you out of a work meeting so that they could behave like a cunt.

BoredZelda · 04/11/2021 14:16

FWIW, I hated my baby when she had colic. It was all consuming and an all round terrible time.

Of course, I still loved her but twice a day at least, I could have walked away and left her to it.

It’s the bit of the newborn period we aren’t supposed to admit to.

sillysmiles · 04/11/2021 14:17

@Mummyoflittledragon I think it is fairly obvious that the poster means that with so much going on, there is a possibility of the Op being at risk for PND.

He can be (and is) a prick, and she could be requiring GP intervention (which her subsequent posts showed).

Tillysfad · 04/11/2021 14:26

13:25AndSoFinally

Well I can only say you're deeply lacking in sensitivity and intelligence to respond in such a way when 'that bit' is the core of the OP.

AndSoFinally · 04/11/2021 14:33

I think it is fairly obvious that the poster means that with so much going on, there is a possibility of the Op being at risk for PND.
He can be (and is) a prick, and she could be requiring GP intervention (which her subsequent posts showed).

Thank you! God, it's like an alternate universe in here sometimes 🤦🏻

Franca123 · 04/11/2021 14:38

You are all struggling and have a new baby in the house. Cut the cleaning right back and let the kids eat chicken nuggets. Looking after a 3month old full time is tough as is working whilst recovering and supporting your partner to look after a 3 month old. You need to get through this tough bit as best you can as a team.

Original poster

hddsdd · 04/11/2021 14:42

It was his fault in anyway that I had to go back to work.

It's quite complicated and I can't go into it because it's really outing. My job is really flexible and supportive, so that's been really helpful. We couldn't live on his wage alone.

This wasn't a planned pregnancy, but very much wanted and quite a miracle.

DH has apologised, I don't think he has any clue how much he has hurt me. We need to talk but I need to make sure im in a good headspace first because right now I'll just get teary

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 04/11/2021 14:47

@hddsdd but maybe he needs to see you teary to understand how much he hurt you. You sound incredibly strong, and you are doing so much and honestly I feel women like that get expected to be strong all the time and people don't consider that they get hurt too.

Please mind yourself and make space for yourself. A lot has happened in the last few months.

Original poster

hddsdd · 04/11/2021 14:51

Wasn't his fault* that should say

OP posts:

Enko · 04/11/2021 14:56

@AndSoFinally I understood your intention too.

@hddsdd I hope it gets better sounds really hard at the moment good he apologised now time to have a talk about what he needs to do to support you better

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 04/11/2021 14:57

Your husband is an insensitive twat. If my dh said that to me, I’d hate him.

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