Is it easy for a father to get his name on the birth certificate?

[jrwxx]

Looking for some advice from people who have maybe had similar experiences and can hopefully give me some answers.

The relationship between my daughters father and I suddenly ended when I was 22 weeks pregnant with her. We both knew we were having a baby and we both knew we weren’t going to be together. We decided to co parent. We live far away from one another (around 3ish hours apart) both in the UK, he knew my daughter would be living with me, he knew from me being 22 weeks pregnant that if he wanted to be in her life he’d have to arrange dates and times to travel to come visit, build a relationship with her, be a responsible father and then eventually have her spend the night with him etc.

My daughter is now 5 and a half months old and he’s visited twice.. Short visits, not long enough for him to actually be a parent. He seems to think he can demand when he wants to see her (when he has spare time, spare money and it suits him). Obviously I can’t just give my daughter to him alone as he is essentially a stranger to her. He really doesn’t know how to parent and has never exampled to me him being a responsible father. He is very entitled, he likes to constantly remind me that she is his daughter but he makes no effort to see her. Basically he takes no responsibility for his actions. I have devoted my life to raising my daughter (not that I’m complaining) but my life has changed drastically, his life has not changed at all. He isn’t dealing with sleepless nights and teething babies.

Sometimes it doesn’t suit me when he wants to visit, so I tell him no and he hits me with the ‘she’s my daughter I need to see her’ bla bla. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have to be there with her when he visits (so dates and times have to suit me too) as he doesn’t know her and to be honest I wouldn’t trust giving her over to him without me as he doesn’t know how to care for her. I think he thinks I’m being awkward, I’m not, I’m purely thinking of the welfare of my daughter. This isn’t about what he wants or what I want, this is about what’s best for my daughter. I’m trying really hard to make this work but I’m starting to feel he isn’t good for her at all. He just causes stress.

Anyway.. when she was born I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate. So I know he has no legal parental rights and he is only getting to see my daughter because I am allowing it. He treats me with no respect and seems to forget I am her mother. The whole thing is stressing me out. He doesn’t help out emotionally, physically or financially. I dread his texts as they are always demands to see her, never asking how she is or if she needs anything. It’s all about his entitlement. He doesn’t even FaceTime. He thinks about what he wants and needs not what she needs. I wanted to avoid the court route, I’m trying my hardest to be civil and fair but it’s starting to wear me out. I get a ball of anxiety when he texts and the thought of having to meet him with my daughter makes me sick. This just isn’t the healthy co parenting situation I want for my daughter. I don’t think he has even bought any baby stuff for him to be able to look after her. Not to mention he is a complete liar (one of the reasons we separated).

So, could I tell him to just go away? Since he isn’t on the birth certificate, lives far away, has only met her twice, hasn’t parented her, would it be easy? Or could he get his name on the birth certificate and end up with legal rights?? Ps.. he also has a history of drug abuse. Not sure if he takes anything anymore though.

I know the court would start by asking us to work it out ourselves, which like I’ve just said I am trying my very hardest to do. It just doesn’t seem to be working. It’s not my responsibility to get him to see her and it’s absolutely not my responsibility to find him accommodation etc for him coming to visit. He always has excuses.

Hope someone can give me some advice.

Yes if he took it to court he would have his name put on the BC and be given access.

@TurnUpTurnip

Yes if he took it to court he would have his name put on the BC and be given access.

How?

I thought he would have to prove to the court why it's in the child's best interest for him to be in their life?

Erm he’s the father unless he is a danger (which you think he might have taken drugs at one point, won’t be classed as a danger) then yes of course he will be given access to his child

And no he doesn’t have to prove to court why him seeing the child would be in their best interest, literally him being the father would be enough proof, unless like I said he was a danger which doesn’t sound like the case

@TurnUpTurnip

Erm he’s the father unless he is a danger (which you think he might have taken drugs at one point, won’t be classed as a danger) then yes of course he will be given access to his child

Do you know this for a fact?

A father doesn't have to prove their value. It's a given that they're valuable to a child.

You can't just tell him to go away.

I think you need to agree a regular every other weekend block of supervised time, either with you there or someone who knows you both. If that's available and he doesn't make it, it's up to him.

The bc would be fairly straightforward.

But contact is a whole different thing. That would need to be worked out, assuming you would contest it.

As for his texts stressing you out: insist that all contact between you happens via a single email address, which you will look at regularly (every 48 hours? Once a week)? Block all texts/WhatsApp, etc - you do need to stay in touch, but not on on his schedule. If that fails, all communication can be done via a solicitor.

He might be a shitty father but he is still a father and therefore he will be allowed access if he asks for it.

Whether he will be bothered to go to court is another question.

Yes it’s a fact unless there is abuse as it’s seen by courts as being in the child’s best interest to have a relationship with their father (even a useless one!)

Surely the court couldn't just let him take her away from me when he has only spent a few hours with her and she's over 5 months ..

Since he isn’t on the birth certificate, lives far away, has only met her twice

Seriously don't rock the boat. Let him crack on.

By the look of it he will only bother to see her 4 times a year if you just leave it.

If you tell him he can't see her well he might apply for contact and get a lot more than you wan to give him.

It probably won't be easy, as such. He would have to prove paternity, which could potentially take ages for a start.

It sounds like you are still quite enmeshed with him. You need to grey rock. Restrict communication. Don't answer emails/ messages immediately. Close everything down. Accept he's never going to co parent nicely. Stop facilitating/contacting him.

If he did get parental responsibility you could then go down the CMS route.

Yes he can take you to court

To be honest a birth certificate is a legal document

You made a baby together your child deserves for her father to be on it

If you didn't want to share then you shouldn't have had a baby with him

I thought he would have to prove to the court why it's in the child's best interest for him to be in their life?
You can't seriously have imagined this is how it works?!
He's the father, you can't veto his name going on the birth certificate 🤦🏼‍♀️

Genetics is sufficient for being named on the birth certificate, access rights are not as clear cut but he could request access and would be granted them unless there are significant mitigating factors and even then it could be ordered through a contact centre. How sympathetic the court is to the distance situation will depend on who moved - if you moved making it harder for him you could be told to do some of the travelling.

Far better for you to amicably sort out a contact arrangement that is age appropriate eg 2-3 hours the first time then for a few hours after that, overnights when a bit older. I know you are angry you are parenting alone but that isn't a reason to withhold his name

I think you need to agree a regular every other weekend block of supervised time, either with you there or someone who knows you both. If that's available and he doesn't make it, it's up to him.
I agree with this but also he needs to start paying maintenance.
From what you've said it actually sound like he'll soon get bored, won't pay you a penny and drop out of both your lives completely on his own so you won't need to tell him to go away. Oh, and just don't mention the birth certificates.

I think you're forgetting the point here. I have never once tried to stop him seeing her, if anything I've encouraged it!! It's not my responsibility to get him to see her.

I'd love for my daughter to have a father influence in her life, I don't particularly want her growing up without one, I was in love when I feel pregnant. Shit hit the fan big time, I wouldn't of ended a relationship at 22 weeks pregnant unless I absolutely HAD to!!

He can't just come and go out her life.

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Yes he can take you to court

To be honest a birth certificate is a legal document

You made a baby together your child deserves for her father to be on it

If you didn't want to share then you shouldn't have had a baby with him

My child deserves a good parent. Her father isn't one.

To get on the birth certificate would he have to do (and pay for??) a paternity test? Would he do this?

As others have said I would tell him you need a regular agreed time for him to visit that suits you both and if all goes well he can increase the time going forward. Whether or not he keeps to it is up to him. He needs to see that he cant just demand a time, you have a life too!

At least then if it does go to court you have evidence you have shown willing and if he doesn't stick to it, its looks bad on him.

No one will send her away for weekend when still small. Normally at least 12m it’s few hours contact with mum around then straying have them out walk etc and building up relationship till around 2 for overnight stays. Given what happens on these boards.

Ideally he set up regular contact although living hours away will not be easy especially if has shifts. Can you give some days a month when you are free and let him choose what suits you? Ie 2nd and 4th Saturday morning a month. He’s going have spend time with you both learn how to look after her and build it up. I get you don’t want leave child nor do you want spend time with him ideally but unless you have a helpful auntie or grandma around who can do it not much choice.

Maintenance is another issue and while it’s not pay per view if he is serious about being a parent it would go a long way to show commitment. Sadly though many parent spend years being totally unreliable and letting child down. All you can do is offer him chance and at least 10y down the line you can say honestly you did your best but he wasn’t up to it.

He could go to court and get out on the birth certificate but that would take time and effort and based on his current behaviour i suspect he won’t bother.
I think you need to set something out that is structured and if he misses that then he waits until next time and you don’t need to respond to requests for other arrangements.
If he went to court then yes he would be given access, he doesn’t have to prove that it’s a benefit (not sure why he’d think that) but he would have to show that he can consistently keep to court agreed arrangements and keep her safe in that time.

People aren’t answering that just answering your question of if he does go to court will he get put on the BC and the answer is yes and will he get awarded contact and the answer is yes, so not missing the point as that’s what you asked, whether he will go to court seems unlikely, but that’s not what you’re asking, fwiw my ex hasn’t seen the children since January and isn’t on my youngest BC but he’s never taken me to court and he isn’t fussed about being on there, but if he went to court he would be given access despite not seeing them in nearly a year.

OP I would contact Gingerbread, the single parent's charity, for advice and support. www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/contact-arrangements/

They know what they're talking about

You didn’t ask whether it was likely he would take you to court that would have been a different question altogether

@Happilybimbling

To get on the birth certificate would he have to do (and pay for??) a paternity test? Would he do this?

As others have said I would tell him you need a regular agreed time for him to visit that suits you both and if all goes well he can increase the time going forward. Whether or not he keeps to it is up to him. He needs to see that he cant just demand a time, you have a life too!

At least then if it does go to court you have evidence you have shown willing and if he doesn't stick to it, its looks bad on him.

Yes, I've kept all texts.

For 5 months now I've tried to arrange monthly visits at appropriate times but it never seems to suit him.

He just wants to come and go out her life when it suits him and when he has spare time/money.