Is it easy for a father to get his name on the birth certificate?

[jrwxx]

Looking for some advice from people who have maybe had similar experiences and can hopefully give me some answers.

The relationship between my daughters father and I suddenly ended when I was 22 weeks pregnant with her. We both knew we were having a baby and we both knew we weren’t going to be together. We decided to co parent. We live far away from one another (around 3ish hours apart) both in the UK, he knew my daughter would be living with me, he knew from me being 22 weeks pregnant that if he wanted to be in her life he’d have to arrange dates and times to travel to come visit, build a relationship with her, be a responsible father and then eventually have her spend the night with him etc.

My daughter is now 5 and a half months old and he’s visited twice.. Short visits, not long enough for him to actually be a parent. He seems to think he can demand when he wants to see her (when he has spare time, spare money and it suits him). Obviously I can’t just give my daughter to him alone as he is essentially a stranger to her. He really doesn’t know how to parent and has never exampled to me him being a responsible father. He is very entitled, he likes to constantly remind me that she is his daughter but he makes no effort to see her. Basically he takes no responsibility for his actions. I have devoted my life to raising my daughter (not that I’m complaining) but my life has changed drastically, his life has not changed at all. He isn’t dealing with sleepless nights and teething babies.

Sometimes it doesn’t suit me when he wants to visit, so I tell him no and he hits me with the ‘she’s my daughter I need to see her’ bla bla. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have to be there with her when he visits (so dates and times have to suit me too) as he doesn’t know her and to be honest I wouldn’t trust giving her over to him without me as he doesn’t know how to care for her. I think he thinks I’m being awkward, I’m not, I’m purely thinking of the welfare of my daughter. This isn’t about what he wants or what I want, this is about what’s best for my daughter. I’m trying really hard to make this work but I’m starting to feel he isn’t good for her at all. He just causes stress.

Anyway.. when she was born I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate. So I know he has no legal parental rights and he is only getting to see my daughter because I am allowing it. He treats me with no respect and seems to forget I am her mother. The whole thing is stressing me out. He doesn’t help out emotionally, physically or financially. I dread his texts as they are always demands to see her, never asking how she is or if she needs anything. It’s all about his entitlement. He doesn’t even FaceTime. He thinks about what he wants and needs not what she needs. I wanted to avoid the court route, I’m trying my hardest to be civil and fair but it’s starting to wear me out. I get a ball of anxiety when he texts and the thought of having to meet him with my daughter makes me sick. This just isn’t the healthy co parenting situation I want for my daughter. I don’t think he has even bought any baby stuff for him to be able to look after her. Not to mention he is a complete liar (one of the reasons we separated).

So, could I tell him to just go away? Since he isn’t on the birth certificate, lives far away, has only met her twice, hasn’t parented her, would it be easy? Or could he get his name on the birth certificate and end up with legal rights?? Ps.. he also has a history of drug abuse. Not sure if he takes anything anymore though.

I know the court would start by asking us to work it out ourselves, which like I’ve just said I am trying my very hardest to do. It just doesn’t seem to be working. It’s not my responsibility to get him to see her and it’s absolutely not my responsibility to find him accommodation etc for him coming to visit. He always has excuses.

Hope someone can give me some advice.

Yes he can get his name put on and it's down to you to proves his not fit to be in her life. I've been through this and I strongly suggest. Making up a convenient plan and offering it to him, if he doesn't agree then cut contact and let him take you to court. This won't just go away like you want

My child deserves a good parent. Her father isn't one

Yet he's the one you chose.

He should just take it to court. Easier for both of you to know where you each stand.

The birth certificate is a red herring
He can apply for contact with her without being on the birth certificate as you have both acknowledged him to be the father.
If he applies to court he will have to set up mediation first, at which session you and he can hopefully agree a contact schedule. If he doesn't adhere to it then you can stop it, and if he then tries to go to court you'll have evidence of his inconsistency which he would have to explain to a judge.

@ButterflyAway

On one hand you say you’ve never tried to stop him seeing her, on the other hand you’re saying he texts asking to see her and you say no because it doesn’t suit you then you moan that he’s only seen her twice in her life.

So which is it, he’s texting frequent enough asking to see his daughter that it’s causing you anxiety and you’re saying no, or he’s just not interested?

Yes this doesn't really add up does it? What does he ask for and what do you offer?

Hi, I work in the area and it is absolutely in your and ultimately your baby's best interest to keep it out if court.
Courts will take the view that it is in the child's best interest to have a relationship with both parents and will grant contact. Once the child is a little bit older (toddler) this will include overnight contact.
You have far more wriggle room if he has no parental responsibility.
Not just regarding contact but also in the long run. If he ends up with parental responsibility he has the same rights as you have, whether or not he sees her. That is in relation to any decision you make (ie school). And I have seen men making life extremely difficult just because they can.
And contrary to what some people believe, none of that is tied to things like paying child maintenance!
Research indicates that in situations like the one you describe frequently contact kind of fizzles out. So your best chance is to play it by ear and hope he moves on eventually.

mad but surely he would have to get parental responsibility by going on the bc to pay maintenance in which they are linked whether he had contact or not?

He's never going to become a good parent like this.

I wouldn't know how to be a good parent to a child that I was unfamiliar with.

I think this quite a frequent problem. Mum rightly thinks Dad can't waltz in and out so obstructs the waltzing in. Dad cops that he can't do the parenting tasks and what he's willing to offer isn't wanted. He has no easy way of learning how to do the things as he will never have that kind of time with a baby if the supervising parent is fractious. But he still wants some contact. Mum refuses it. Both thinks the other is responsible for Dad's decreasing contact. Eventually Dad feels so awkward that it's easier to let it go than turn up after so much. He tells everyone he wasn't allowed to see the child. Mum is understandably outraged and tells everyone he couldn't be bothered.

For those giving the whole oh but he's her father, he should be on the certificate etc etc - yeah, that's what I thought too, and that's fine if you're dealing with someone motivated by love. Unfortunately, you can be dealing with someone motivated by the desire to be an arsehole. I put the dad's name on my dc's certificate despite us being separated and him not being bothered. But I didn't want to be that woman who doesn't encourage contact with a shit but not dangerous dad. Fast forward a few years and he'd stopped seeing the kids completely (his choice, kids devastated), but because he had parental responsibility whenever stuff came up that required the signature of both parents, he would refuse out of spite. This meant that I had to battle to have the kids attend school trips, competitions etc, because he purposely wouldn't give consent. Total arsehole.
So yeah, I tend to be with those who say don't rock the boat, because my money is on him vanishing at some point. If it turns out that he's a decent dad then you can always add him to the bc later.
Grit your teeth for now, and wait for him to bugger off. Because I bet you he will.

It sounds to me like he is trying to see her. You're saying he has to see her when it is convenient for you. I think you are making it inconvenient for you so he can't see her. If he's travelling a long way you have to be a little bit flexible.
In regards to maintenance, go through the CMS.

He is your child’s father. That’s all a court needs to know. She has a father. Doesn’t matter that he is dreadful. He is her father.

No paying maintenance and contact are entirely separate issues. Fathers get awarded contact irrespective of whether or not they pay.
Father's also get contact if there is a background of DV, substance abuse etc. Sometimes there are supervision arrangements in place at least for a while.
It is incredibly rare for a faster not to be awarded contact.
As previous poster said the best is a bit of a red herring. However not having hom on is hugely advantageous as he does not habe the automatic right to interfere even if there is no or very little contact/positive relationship.
If the relationship was ultimately a positive relationship, she can still involve him on decisionaking without him having formal rights.

...and no, he can't just come and go as he pleases. It creates anxiety in the kids. Been there. Mine have had total stability with one parent. Me. I would have loved to have shared parenting with their dad, but it was all a game with him, and a control thing. He gives no shits about them and doesn't even send bday/xmas cards.
Do what's right for your daughter. Surround her with people who love her and put her first.

@megletthesecond

A father isn't valuable to a child.

A good father is valuable to a child. He doesn't sound like a good father. She doesn't need that useless father influence in her life.

This.

No paying maintenance and contact are entirely separate issues. Fathers get awarded contact irrespective of whether or not they pay.

Thanks for your response. I'm aware of this. My question was: surely parental responsibility and paying maintenance are linked because parental responsibility has to be established for the father to be obliged to pay it? That's nothing to do with contact, just establishing the premise of whether this person is a biological father to the child.

Can he easily get added to the birth certificate?
Yes. At this point it’s basically a matter of paperwork and a dna test.

Can he suddenly get custody of a 5 month old or overnight visits? Extremely unlikely. Visits with newborns are supposed to start with short visits with mom very close and gradual work up to overnight once the child is ready.

I would probably just pick a regular time that you are willing to be available visits and he can take it or leave it. Pick something you know works with his work schedule. Maybe require that he RSVP 72 hours in advance. Then if he goes to court, you have proof you tried to provide access.

Ultimately the ONLY reason why anyone would add a father's ne on the birth certificate is to give them the same rights as they have and ultimately that means also the right to block any decision re passport, school trips, travel, choice of school etc.
Having a ne on the birth cert does not give any advantage except in a situation where the father might need to formally consent and no other parent is on hand (very unlikely in this scenario)

Father doesn’t need to be on the bc or have pr for mother to claim maintenance

If he went to court to add his name to the birth certificate, they'd ask you if he was the father. If you say no, he'd take a DNA test and then he'd be added if he was the father.

He doesn't have to prove he's worthy of being added.

If he did this and took you to court for contact, you would be reasonable to insist on supervised contact at a contact centre. You won't be there but there will be someone watching. If he attends consistently he would be able yo request unsupervised contact.

Legally he can get a Child Arrangement Order which will force you to make your dd available at fixed times but he's not obliged to attend. There's no minimum amount that he would have to see her since 4 times a year would be seen as better than none.

Tbh in your shoes I would encourage him to take the legal route as it would get rid of the problem of him asking for random days of contact at short notice.

@Madwomanuptheroad29

Hi, I work in the area and it is absolutely in your and ultimately your baby's best interest to keep it out if court. Courts will take the view that it is in the child's best interest to have a relationship with both parents and will grant contact. Once the child is a little bit older (toddler) this will include overnight contact. You have far more wriggle room if he has no parental responsibility. Not just regarding contact but also in the long run. If he ends up with parental responsibility he has the same rights as you have, whether or not he sees her. That is in relation to any decision you make (ie school). And I have seen men making life extremely difficult just because they can. And contrary to what some people believe, none of that is tied to things like paying child maintenance! Research indicates that in situations like the one you describe frequently contact kind of fizzles out. So your best chance is to play it by ear and hope he moves on eventually.

I cannot recommend this comment enough. This has been exactly my experience. I wanted him to have parental responsibility because I mistakenly believed I was dealing with an adult who loved his children. I wasn't. And he spent many years making their lives difficult just because he could. I should never have given him the benefit of the doubt. Lesson learned the hard way.

Re the PR and mintenance, they are not linked as I'm a case tile this there is no dispute. Issue would come up if he denied paternity. However at this point he is doing the opposite and there are texts etc to prove it. That would be enough for child maintenance.

@Tillysfad

No paying maintenance and contact are entirely separate issues. Fathers get awarded contact irrespective of whether or not they pay.

Thanks for your response. I'm aware of this. My question was: surely parental responsibility and paying maintenance are linked because parental responsibility has to be established for the father to be obliged to pay it? That's nothing to do with contact, just establishing the premise of whether this person is a biological father to the child.

No

It is assumed that Dad is the dad unless he requests a DNA test to prove he's not liable.

you get him to visit and then after an hour leave him to it for an hour, phone and check he's ok and then stay out longer if he is

it'll go one way or the other

scare him away or hell start getting on with it

then each visit go out for longer if he gets on with it and keeps coming

in a few months when you need a break you'll be glad of the time to yourself

@Tillysfad

No paying maintenance and contact are entirely separate issues. Fathers get awarded contact irrespective of whether or not they pay.

Thanks for your response. I'm aware of this. My question was: surely parental responsibility and paying maintenance are linked because parental responsibility has to be established for the father to be obliged to pay it? That's nothing to do with contact, just establishing the premise of whether this person is a biological father to the child.

No it does not If both parents acknowledge paternity that is sufficient for child maintenance and contact both

@idiotmagnet

...and no, he can't just come and go as he pleases. It creates anxiety in the kids. Been there. Mine have had total stability with one parent. Me. I would have loved to have shared parenting with their dad, but it was all a game with him, and a control thing. He gives no shits about them and doesn't even send bday/xmas cards. Do what's right for your daughter. Surround her with people who love her and put her first.

Oh I assure you, he can just come and go as he pleases. My ex does. And yes, it's screwed my kids up.

But if ever they ask, they know that I encouraged contact time and time again, that I offered to drop them off, that I kept the communication open. They know who's had their back all these years.

I thought he would have to prove to the court why it's in the child's best interest for him to be in their life?

Err no. Being a dad doesn’t require some kind of job interview. All that’s matters is his sperm met your egg.