Is it easy for a father to get his name on the birth certificate?

[jrwxx]

Looking for some advice from people who have maybe had similar experiences and can hopefully give me some answers.

The relationship between my daughters father and I suddenly ended when I was 22 weeks pregnant with her. We both knew we were having a baby and we both knew we weren’t going to be together. We decided to co parent. We live far away from one another (around 3ish hours apart) both in the UK, he knew my daughter would be living with me, he knew from me being 22 weeks pregnant that if he wanted to be in her life he’d have to arrange dates and times to travel to come visit, build a relationship with her, be a responsible father and then eventually have her spend the night with him etc.

My daughter is now 5 and a half months old and he’s visited twice.. Short visits, not long enough for him to actually be a parent. He seems to think he can demand when he wants to see her (when he has spare time, spare money and it suits him). Obviously I can’t just give my daughter to him alone as he is essentially a stranger to her. He really doesn’t know how to parent and has never exampled to me him being a responsible father. He is very entitled, he likes to constantly remind me that she is his daughter but he makes no effort to see her. Basically he takes no responsibility for his actions. I have devoted my life to raising my daughter (not that I’m complaining) but my life has changed drastically, his life has not changed at all. He isn’t dealing with sleepless nights and teething babies.

Sometimes it doesn’t suit me when he wants to visit, so I tell him no and he hits me with the ‘she’s my daughter I need to see her’ bla bla. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have to be there with her when he visits (so dates and times have to suit me too) as he doesn’t know her and to be honest I wouldn’t trust giving her over to him without me as he doesn’t know how to care for her. I think he thinks I’m being awkward, I’m not, I’m purely thinking of the welfare of my daughter. This isn’t about what he wants or what I want, this is about what’s best for my daughter. I’m trying really hard to make this work but I’m starting to feel he isn’t good for her at all. He just causes stress.

Anyway.. when she was born I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate. So I know he has no legal parental rights and he is only getting to see my daughter because I am allowing it. He treats me with no respect and seems to forget I am her mother. The whole thing is stressing me out. He doesn’t help out emotionally, physically or financially. I dread his texts as they are always demands to see her, never asking how she is or if she needs anything. It’s all about his entitlement. He doesn’t even FaceTime. He thinks about what he wants and needs not what she needs. I wanted to avoid the court route, I’m trying my hardest to be civil and fair but it’s starting to wear me out. I get a ball of anxiety when he texts and the thought of having to meet him with my daughter makes me sick. This just isn’t the healthy co parenting situation I want for my daughter. I don’t think he has even bought any baby stuff for him to be able to look after her. Not to mention he is a complete liar (one of the reasons we separated).

So, could I tell him to just go away? Since he isn’t on the birth certificate, lives far away, has only met her twice, hasn’t parented her, would it be easy? Or could he get his name on the birth certificate and end up with legal rights?? Ps.. he also has a history of drug abuse. Not sure if he takes anything anymore though.

I know the court would start by asking us to work it out ourselves, which like I’ve just said I am trying my very hardest to do. It just doesn’t seem to be working. It’s not my responsibility to get him to see her and it’s absolutely not my responsibility to find him accommodation etc for him coming to visit. He always has excuses.

Hope someone can give me some advice.

@AliceinBorderland

Since he isn’t on the birth certificate, lives far away, has only met her twice

Seriously don't rock the boat. Let him crack on.

By the look of it he will only bother to see her 4 times a year if you just leave it.

If you tell him he can't see her well he might apply for contact and get a lot more than you wan to give him.

This is very wise advice.

That sounds very stressful. Personally I would see a solicitor. I think contact is seen as the child's right to see their father than the other way round.
Being on the BC won't give him the right to immediate access and for everything to go his way.
But I'm certain a solicitor will be able to help you negotiate this.
Fwiw I think you are doing your best in a very difficult situation.

Thanks for the advice.

OP are you serious? He's literally her biological father, you have absolutely acknowledged that, of COURSE he can apply to go on the birth certificate, that would be a VERY simple legal step for him. Any objection from you would be viewed as obstructive.

He can also apply for regular contact, this would likely be brief and supervised initially, but yes, moving to longer sessions and overnights/weekends/holidays reasonably quickly.

The prior drug use you mentioned would not have mattered if you were together, so unless there has been any police/medical involvement there is unlikely to be any barriers to him getting contact.

Your daughter has the legal right to a relationship with BOTH her parents (not the other way round) and if you frustrate that should he go to court, your actions may work against you. He is your daughter's father.

Do you claim CMS? You should put in a claim first thing on Monday, let him see how much he's prepared to accept the financial responsibility before the rest of it.

Why did your relationship suddenly end at 22 weeks pregnant if you were in love ?
What happened?

He can't just come and go out her life.

I was married to my kids' father, he sees them once a year. Nobody can force him to see her, but you cannot prevent her from having a relationship with him if that's what he's saying he wants. It really doesn't work like that.

Yes as pp said it’s about the child’s right to a relationship with their father. Unless abusive a child has a right to a relationship with both parents and you will have to be careful he doesn’t try to accuse you or parental alienation.

I do understand after 5m of him being hopeless it would be tempting say sod it and ignore him. Wait until child is old enough ask and try again and see if he has grown up. Never a perfect answer always v messy for child and main parent.

@TurnUpTurnip

Yes as pp said it’s about the child’s right to a relationship with their father. Unless abusive a child has a right to a relationship with both parents and you will have to be careful he doesn’t try to accuse you or parental alienation.

You're being harsh. OP has made it clear that she's actively encouraged the baby's father to visit, and he's making it difficult.

I’m not “being harsh” I don’t think she’s doing I’m saying be careful that he doesn’t try to accuse her of it.

My ex isn't on the birth certificate, has a shocking temper and has a weekly court order to see our dc.
I must make dc available every week even though he his lucky if he shows up twice a month.
Its just as stressful and unorganised with a court order.

Being on the birth certificate and paying maintenance are 2 different things. Start claiming maintenance

You need to tell him by text or email that he can see her at a set time every month on a set date. These are the only times she will be available unless he gives a weeks notice previous to the date you have agreed. So if you say the first Saturday of every month from noon to five pm , supervised at your house. If he can't make that time he needs to tell you the previous Saturday in order to charger it to a suitable time or forfeit his visit. I would imagine that be fair you would need to add in a visit on Christmas, birthday, Easter, etc but under the same conditions. Keep all communication by text or email so you have a very comprehensive record of all the times he has let her down.

Hopefully this will either make him step up or just fade into the distance and stop seeing her. But if at any point he does take you to court you can show that you have made her available and it's him that hasn't wanted to visit. This will go in your favour.

I'm so fed up of reading threads from mums who think the child is just theirs and don't think being a father is important.

@TurnUpTurnip

I’m not “being harsh” I don’t think she’s doing I’m saying be careful that he doesn’t try to accuse her of it.

I agree. The dad is being a prick about maintaining any sort of contact, but if OP in any way frustrates him then she can definitely be accused of alienation.

@TurnUpTurnip

I’m not “being harsh” I don’t think she’s doing I’m saying be careful that he doesn’t try to accuse her of it.

It's your manner of speaking over all your posts. Blunt, perhaps, rather than harsh.

A father isn't valuable to a child.

A good father is valuable to a child. He doesn't sound like a good father. She doesn't need that useless father influence in her life.

If you stop the contact and let him take you court, you'll get 2 outcomes really. He does what the court order says and builds a decent relationship with him child (they start at a contact centre and work up) or he won't be bothered and it will all stop and be documented by the courts that he hasn't kept up with the order.

Anyway.. when she was born I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate. So I know he has no legal parental rights

Being on the birth certificate doesn’t give legal rights. You have no legal rights to see your daughter either. You have parental responsibility. Getting his name on the birth certificate will give him parental responsibility too. That means you and he both have legal responsibility to ensure your daughters needs and rights are fulfilled. One of her right is to have contact with both her parents. That is your responsibility to ensure even if her other parent doesn’t have parental responsibility. Your daughter is the one with the rights. You are the one with legal responsibility. She isn’t a toy you give him access to, she is a human being with a right to contact with her parent.

@wtfisthatspiderdoing

I'm so fed up of reading threads from mums who think the child is just theirs and don't think being a father is important.

Read OP's posts. She's sick of him messing her about and was wondering the best way forward. He seems more interested in being controlling about when he gets to see his baby that being an active participant in her life.

@wtfisthatspiderdoing

I'm so fed up of reading threads from mums who think the child is just theirs and don't think being a father is important.

And I'm sick of seeing men who think they can do as they please and provide no routine or stability for their children.

@megletthesecond

A father isn't valuable to a child.

A good father is valuable to a child. He doesn't sound like a good father. She doesn't need that useless father influence in her life.

Quite

@AliceinBorderland

Since he isn’t on the birth certificate, lives far away, has only met her twice

Seriously don't rock the boat. Let him crack on.

By the look of it he will only bother to see her 4 times a year if you just leave it.

If you tell him he can't see her well he might apply for contact and get a lot more than you wan to give him.

This BtW is excellent advice.

Stop chasing him to arrange contact. Let him get in touch when it suits him, if it doesn’t suit you to meet him then say so. Don’t go out of your way to accommodate him. But don’t tell him you’re withholding contact. That’s a red rag to a bull and he’ll go straight to see a solicitor who will want to make money out of him so will advise lots of letters and court.

On one hand you say you’ve never tried to stop him seeing her, on the other hand you’re saying he texts asking to see her and you say no because it doesn’t suit you then you moan that he’s only seen her twice in her life.

So which is it, he’s texting frequent enough asking to see his daughter that it’s causing you anxiety and you’re saying no, or he’s just not interested?

I'd be doing everything I could to keep him off the Birth Certificate and from having any parental responsibility therefore following Alice in Borderlands advice and not rocking the boat.