Is it easy for a father to get his name on the birth certificate?

[jrwxx]

Looking for some advice from people who have maybe had similar experiences and can hopefully give me some answers.

The relationship between my daughters father and I suddenly ended when I was 22 weeks pregnant with her. We both knew we were having a baby and we both knew we weren’t going to be together. We decided to co parent. We live far away from one another (around 3ish hours apart) both in the UK, he knew my daughter would be living with me, he knew from me being 22 weeks pregnant that if he wanted to be in her life he’d have to arrange dates and times to travel to come visit, build a relationship with her, be a responsible father and then eventually have her spend the night with him etc.

My daughter is now 5 and a half months old and he’s visited twice.. Short visits, not long enough for him to actually be a parent. He seems to think he can demand when he wants to see her (when he has spare time, spare money and it suits him). Obviously I can’t just give my daughter to him alone as he is essentially a stranger to her. He really doesn’t know how to parent and has never exampled to me him being a responsible father. He is very entitled, he likes to constantly remind me that she is his daughter but he makes no effort to see her. Basically he takes no responsibility for his actions. I have devoted my life to raising my daughter (not that I’m complaining) but my life has changed drastically, his life has not changed at all. He isn’t dealing with sleepless nights and teething babies.

Sometimes it doesn’t suit me when he wants to visit, so I tell him no and he hits me with the ‘she’s my daughter I need to see her’ bla bla. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have to be there with her when he visits (so dates and times have to suit me too) as he doesn’t know her and to be honest I wouldn’t trust giving her over to him without me as he doesn’t know how to care for her. I think he thinks I’m being awkward, I’m not, I’m purely thinking of the welfare of my daughter. This isn’t about what he wants or what I want, this is about what’s best for my daughter. I’m trying really hard to make this work but I’m starting to feel he isn’t good for her at all. He just causes stress.

Anyway.. when she was born I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate. So I know he has no legal parental rights and he is only getting to see my daughter because I am allowing it. He treats me with no respect and seems to forget I am her mother. The whole thing is stressing me out. He doesn’t help out emotionally, physically or financially. I dread his texts as they are always demands to see her, never asking how she is or if she needs anything. It’s all about his entitlement. He doesn’t even FaceTime. He thinks about what he wants and needs not what she needs. I wanted to avoid the court route, I’m trying my hardest to be civil and fair but it’s starting to wear me out. I get a ball of anxiety when he texts and the thought of having to meet him with my daughter makes me sick. This just isn’t the healthy co parenting situation I want for my daughter. I don’t think he has even bought any baby stuff for him to be able to look after her. Not to mention he is a complete liar (one of the reasons we separated).

So, could I tell him to just go away? Since he isn’t on the birth certificate, lives far away, has only met her twice, hasn’t parented her, would it be easy? Or could he get his name on the birth certificate and end up with legal rights?? Ps.. he also has a history of drug abuse. Not sure if he takes anything anymore though.

I know the court would start by asking us to work it out ourselves, which like I’ve just said I am trying my very hardest to do. It just doesn’t seem to be working. It’s not my responsibility to get him to see her and it’s absolutely not my responsibility to find him accommodation etc for him coming to visit. He always has excuses.

Hope someone can give me some advice.

I would:
Cooperate and negotiate access. Yes it does have to suit you while she is so tiny, so facilitate him spending a short time with him. Increasing as she gets older and if she gets to know him.

Not voluntarily put him on the birth certificate. He can see her without going on the BC. She can know who her Dad is without having him on the BC. If he is on the BC he can veto your choice of school, whether you take her abroad for a holiday, all sorts.

Heculd go to court to go on the BC but he probably won’t.

So allow him to see her and hopefully he won’t think about parental responsibility.

16:00Madwomanuptheroad29

I feel like I'm being a bit dim but I don't understand. Surely he has to be on the birth certificate (or at least have paternity established which would allow him to go on it) for a maintenance claim to be pursued? There's something I'm not getting!

I missed a couple of posts, thanks.

@Tillysfad

16:00Madwomanuptheroad29

I feel like I'm being a bit dim but I don't understand. Surely he has to be on the birth certificate (or at least have paternity established which would allow him to go on it) for a maintenance claim to be pursued? There's something I'm not getting!

Nope. She can start a claim on Monday and it is assumed he's the father unless he can prove he isn't by DNA test (which if he refuses will still mean he's assumed to be the dad). Although he can use the DNA results to prove/acquire parental responsibility and named on the BC.

Maintenance is aside to contact, he is required to pay if he only sees the dc once a year. Or less.

OP is not focused on the child - she has a right to a relationship with her father, and he has a legal requirement to support her financially. Unfortunately, whilst he can chose to walk away from his responsibility, OP cannot prevent him from taking it.

@Tillysfad

16:00Madwomanuptheroad29

I feel like I'm being a bit dim but I don't understand. Surely he has to be on the birth certificate (or at least have paternity established which would allow him to go on it) for a maintenance claim to be pursued? There's something I'm not getting!

No imagine how many men would refuse to sign a BC to get out of paying! Paternity is assumed unless he denies it and then they will provide a dna test that he will have to pay for if he is the father (and not if he isn’t) my ex isn’t on the bc but he’s never disputed paternity l

@Tillysfad

16:00Madwomanuptheroad29

I feel like I'm being a bit dim but I don't understand. Surely he has to be on the birth certificate (or at least have paternity established which would allow him to go on it) for a maintenance claim to be pursued? There's something I'm not getting!

If the parents of a baby are unmarried then Dad needs to attend the registration meeting or he's not included. If the parents are separated, live a long way from one another or there is abuse, it is easy to see why a Dad might not be named.

CMS start CM claims against a man on the Mother's say so. There's no need to submit a birth certificate as proof. If the Dad is unsure or denies paternity then a DNA test happens at that point.

Contact and CM are separate issues. You can get contact regardless of whether or not you pay CM and vice versa.

By acting on the mum's say so it should reduce the time taken to get money to the child and it reduces costs as there's fewer DNA tests. (They cost £150) Some Dads know that they are the father and don't want to spend £150 needlessly when their child could enjoy it themselves.

Note that if you request a DNA test and you're not the Dad then he gets the £150 refunded. If he is the Dad then he pays £150

@ButterflyAway

On one hand you say you’ve never tried to stop him seeing her, on the other hand you’re saying he texts asking to see her and you say no because it doesn’t suit you then you moan that he’s only seen her twice in her life.

So which is it, he’s texting frequent enough asking to see his daughter that it’s causing you anxiety and you’re saying no, or he’s just not interested?

Quite

If you keep saying 'no' he will see you as obstructive. And he'd have a point.

You need to engage with him, and sort out times when she will be available and how long for. Then you make your plans around that.

He won't learn how to be her father unless you let him get on with it. Which means he sees her unsupervised, or supervised by someone other than you.

You come across as fiercely protective. You need to move away from that. it's already being counterproductive.

It's amazing the amount of posters on this board who seem to be under the impression that maintenance is a fee the father pays to see their child

@Tillysfad

16:00Madwomanuptheroad29

I feel like I'm being a bit dim but I don't understand. Surely he has to be on the birth certificate (or at least have paternity established which would allow him to go on it) for a maintenance claim to be pursued? There's something I'm not getting!

Nope a mother can do it to deliberately cut a father off from having any parental responsibility....doesn't stop them claiming maintenance though which I find ironic

My sister was in a near identical position, except that he was on the BC from birth.

The court ruled that he had to make 2 video calls a week at prescribed times and physically visit every other weekend for 4 hours supervised contact. That lasted 6 months. Then the visits were extended in terms of time and he could be alone with DN in a room (sis still in the house) and he had to prove he would turn up every time before it would be extended. They’ve just been back to court (DN is 20 months) because he wants weekends and to be able to take DN to his home (3 hours away). Court weren’t at all happy with the suggestion when they found out he had not done what was prescribed previously and he has another 6 months to prove he has DN’s best interests/care needs as a priority before looking at overnight stays/travel.

So no, he won’t be able to take your 5 month old anywhere anytime soon.

Tillysfad

16:00Madwomanuptheroad29

I feel like I'm being a bit dim but I don't understand. Surely he has to be on the birth certificate (or at least have paternity established which would allow him to go on it) for a maintenance claim to be pursued? There's something I'm not getting!

Nope a mother can do it to deliberately cut a father off from having any parental responsibility....doesn't stop them claiming maintenance though which I find ironic

Funny, how if a man feels so hard done by that he's got to pay maintenance for a child, that he won't actually make a very simple and actually rediculously cheap application to court to amend the BC, acquire PR and instigate further proceedings to begin contact. There are exceptions to this, fortunately, as many dads do fight for a relationship with the kids. Those who don't however, have no place to complain. And their kids will eventually, after however many years of 'why aren't I good enough for daddy', figure out that DESPITE paying the MINIMUM child support, they have done NOTHING else at all to support them.