What age should kids learn about different sexual orientations?

[unpredictablemum]

I’ve been categorised as a closed minded parent for saying a 4 year old is too young to understand and that they might be confused by it, I’m now wondering if I am in the wrong? And most importantly to clarify I have absolutely nothing against people with different sexual orientations.
Back story is I was incorrectly told that the new superman is bisexual (it's actually a new character, superman's son) and as my son loves superhero's I expressed that my son might be confused if his favourite superhero started kissing men all of a sudden, is that not a fair comment 🤷‍♀️

@WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly

Marelle that is unusual. ‘Girl’ or ‘boy’ is usually a big part of a three year old’s identity and they’re usually obsessed with who has a Willy and who has girl bits.

My ds2 was not very good with peoples pronouns at this age, he was always mixing up he and her even when he started school. They helped work on it. Hes not NT though so not sure if its relevent but something being unusual doesnt mean its particularly rare either

Don't really think they're ever too young. We've always just made it normal - all families are different. Some have a mum and dad, some have 2 mummies or 2 daddies or only a mummy or only a daddy etc 🤷🏻‍♀️ don't see why it should be a big deal, unless of course you think not being heterosexual is a big deal/unusual/weird/not normal 🤔

I don't think I ever sat them down and explained it because I never actively made heterosexuality the norm in the first place and so didn't create a situation where I had to break the news that some people love someone of their own sex. It's really easy to do this, it doesn't require any special effort, you naturally talk to your children about families, read books to them, answer their questions. 🤷‍♀️

So was I, @unpredictablemum — strict convent schools, deeply devoutly Catholic home background (same-sex sexual activity was only decriminalised in Ireland in 1993) , and parents who, despite meeting and liking my gay friends, almost certainly still think gayness is ‘some modern thing’ that just ‘didn’t come into people’s heads before’ — BUT neither of them thought twice about voting for gay marriage to be legalised in a referendum in 2015.

I don’t think blaming your upbringing is ok.

Sorry to offend but nature intends to reproduce in order for the species to survive, that is science and fact. *
*
Err. Homosexuality has been documented in over 450 species.

It's only judged in one 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Clandestin

So was I, *@unpredictablemum* — strict convent schools, deeply devoutly Catholic home background (same-sex sexual activity was only decriminalised in Ireland in 1993) , and parents who, despite meeting and liking my gay friends, almost certainly still think gayness is ‘some modern thing’ that just ‘didn’t come into people’s heads before’ — BUT neither of them thought twice about voting for gay marriage to be legalised in a referendum in 2015.

I don’t think blaming your upbringing is ok.

I'm not against gay marriage or any kind of same sex relationship, you are who you are, in the same way, it's my upbringing so if I feel like my upbringing is to blame for my views then who are you to question that about me? Many peoples upbringings affect their adult life

As a non-heterosexual I'm going to defend OP's point (to some extent) about "nature"… the reason sexual pleasure originated was probably to incentivise activity that's likely to lead to reproduction, the reason sexual attraction exists is probably to help make sure that that activity is carried out with another being with whom the most successful offspring are likely to result, and the reason pair-bonding exists is probably to increase the survival chances of any offspring. Therefore it makes sense that most of the time, individuals are sexually attracted to healthy members of the opposite sex, gain pleasure from sexual activity with them, and tend to want to pair-bond with them. Same-sex attraction, and gaining pleasure from same-sex sexual activity, do not naturally further the implicit "goal" of reproduction we've been gifted by virtue of our existence as living beings, whereas having opposite-sex attraction and gaining pleasure from opposite-sex sexual activity does tend to result in babies.

It's just that that's not always how it works out in practice, and it doesn't actually matter at all if not everybody is in sexual relationships likely to produce offspring — lots of people in relationships that potentially could result in reproduction take steps to avoid that happening.

As the human race we have indeed evolved from that to anything goes and I would never judge anyone on who they want or decide to be but science is still science..,, I'm going to shit up now as I'm digging a hole for myself here and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone

No one "decides" there sexuality.

From birth is an appropriate age! Presumably you don't wonder whether there's an appropriate age for babies with gay parents to learn that some couples are straight...can you apply that logic to your situation. You say you don't have a problem with it but it sounds like you do.

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

As a non-heterosexual I'm going to defend OP's point (to some extent) about "nature"… the reason sexual pleasure originated was probably to incentivise activity that's likely to lead to reproduction, the reason sexual attraction exists is probably to help make sure that that activity is carried out with another being with whom the most successful offspring are likely to result, and the reason pair-bonding exists is probably to increase the survival chances of any offspring. Therefore it makes sense that most of the time, individuals are sexually attracted to healthy members of the opposite sex, gain pleasure from sexual activity with them, and tend to want to pair-bond with them. Same-sex attraction, and gaining pleasure from same-sex sexual activity, do not naturally further the implicit "goal" of reproduction we've been gifted by virtue of our existence as living beings, whereas having opposite-sex attraction and gaining pleasure from opposite-sex sexual activity does tend to result in babies.

It's just that that's not always how it works out in practice, and it doesn't actually matter at all if not everybody is in sexual relationships likely to produce offspring — lots of people in relationships that potentially could result in reproduction take steps to avoid that happening.

Thank you for the defence ... Moving forward I'm not going to hide anything from my child and if the subject comes up I will happily explain anyone can love anyone and so forth based on the advice/views I have been presented with today

@Danzig

As the human race we have indeed evolved from that to anything goes and I would never judge anyone on who they want or decide to be but science is still science..,, I'm going to shit up now as I'm digging a hole for myself here and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone

No one "decides" there sexuality.

True point, I worded badly

You have a choice whether your upbringing leaves you in ignorance and prejudice though.

I was raised by parents who voted Tory, had backdated homophobic views and often said racist things too.
I lived in an area that was almost entirely white then.
Racist, misogynistic and homophobic language was common and accepted.

I didn't settle into that mindset, I educated myself.

@stillonthattightrope

You have a choice whether your upbringing leaves you in ignorance and prejudice though.

I was raised by parents who voted Tory, had backdated homophobic views and often said racist things too.
I lived in an area that was almost entirely white then.
Racist, misogynistic and homophobic language was common and accepted.

I didn't settle into that mindset, I educated myself.

The OP appears, in this thread, to be making that choice and educating herself. She appears to be taking people's comments on board.

@ErrolTheDragon yes but they were using this as an excuse for showing ignorance now. They're old enough to be parenting a child so surely they're old enough to recognise this.

I've just casually dropped into conversation that some men love men and some women love women and it's no big deal who you love.

Also I've always said "when you have a boyfriend ... or girlfriend" to the point where my 12 yo DD finally said "yeah mum I get it, it's fine if I'm gay"!

It doesn't have to be a big deal to tell them, it's not like you'll be explaining the sex lives of any particular sexuality so just make it very matter of fact and just about who you love.

“Gay” was shouted as a playground insult when I was at school, and I heard my parents make sexist and homophobic comments at times. That doesn’t mean I simply absorbed that and thought it was okay. As an adult i can think critically about things and look back on what I was taught by my parents and wider society as I grew up, and think, actually, that wasn’t okay, they were wrong, and adjust my views accordingly. Just because you were brought up with certain views doesn’t mean you’re stuck with them for life, have you never thought about or questioned things? Thinking same sex relationships are “taboo” is an incredibly homophobic and outdated view.

[quote stillonthattightrope]@ErrolTheDragon yes but they were using this as an excuse for showing ignorance now. They're old enough to be parenting a child so surely they're old enough to recognise this. [/quote]
Seriously I can't help that I'm straight and wondering if a 4 year old could understand the concept of same sex relationships, I've never had a 4 year old before, that is why I asked the question in the 1st place. You also do not know my personal circumstances so please don't assume I should automatically be a perfect parent if I'm old enough to be a parent. We all make mistakes, I'm still learning things about life many years after leaving school and continue to learn every day including this whole thread

Another saying fine if it comes into conversation. My just turned 6 year old questioned me the other day as I was talking to DH about a (male) colleague and his husband. DS (who listens to everything!) asked me about this and I just explained just as men and women can be in love/married so can be 2 women or 2 men. He said ok and we moved on.

Obviously DS is a bit older but I don't think you need any hand wringing

@TedMullins

“Gay” was shouted as a playground insult when I was at school, and I heard my parents make sexist and homophobic comments at times. That doesn’t mean I simply absorbed that and thought it was okay. As an adult i can think critically about things and look back on what I was taught by my parents and wider society as I grew up, and think, actually, that wasn’t okay, they were wrong, and adjust my views accordingly. Just because you were brought up with certain views doesn’t mean you’re stuck with them for life, have you never thought about or questioned things? Thinking same sex relationships are “taboo” is an incredibly homophobic and outdated view.

My best friend at school was a lesbian

Im not sure but I think it's actually easier if you know gay and lesbian people in your social circle then you never really have to think about telling your kids about it because it's just something they see as being normal.

Eg our kids just know Bob and Steve (not real names) are married and have kids just like mam and dad are married and have kids. They've always been around so it's never been confusing or something that needs explaining to my kids. They went to Sue and Sandra's wedding and understand any two adults can get married if they're in love if they want (although we haven't quite got them to understand that you can't marry your own mum or sibling just yet!). It's never been a thing and I think my kids would find it odd if I ever tried to explain it to them.

Seriously I can't help that I'm straight and wondering if a 4 year old could understand the concept of same sex relationships, I've never had a 4 year old before, that is why I asked the question in the 1st place. You also do not know my personal circumstances so please don't assume I should automatically be a perfect parent if I'm old enough to be a parent. We all make mistakes, I'm still learning things about life many years after leaving school and continue to learn every day including this whole thread

But you must have been aware some children have gay parents? And therefore it isn’t some concept that would be damaging to a child.

Presumably your child knows you’re in a relationship with his father. Why do you think that a gay relationship is any harder to grasp?

@Kanaloa

Seriously I can't help that I'm straight and wondering if a 4 year old could understand the concept of same sex relationships, I've never had a 4 year old before, that is why I asked the question in the 1st place. You also do not know my personal circumstances so please don't assume I should automatically be a perfect parent if I'm old enough to be a parent. We all make mistakes, I'm still learning things about life many years after leaving school and continue to learn every day including this whole thread

But you must have been aware some children have gay parents? And therefore it isn’t some concept that would be damaging to a child.

Presumably your child knows you’re in a relationship with his father. Why do you think that a gay relationship is any harder to grasp?

Nope, never knew anyone gay until I was in my late teens. And thought might be confusing for a child because it's not shown or expressed on children's tv programs or films. I realise now it's up to me to not make it confusing and not make a big deal out of it and not shield him from it

Actually, I think the natural thing is that unless told otherwise very small children will assume that they can get married to/live with/form a committment with anyone and sex doesn't really come into it.

Certainly with small boys and girls I've known it's been relatively common for them to announce they're marrying their best friend (or mum, dad, grandpa, the dog).

So if you don't actually say "No Ds you can't marry Charlie because boys can't marry boys", as unfortunately legally would have been the case not very long ago, then they just grow up assuming correctly that you can form significant relationships with anyone you love.

Interesting I grew up all my life knowing my auntie Dion as Auntie. My mum did not tell me until I was about 15 that my aunty used to be uncle. To be honest I never noticed to ask then question so I guess my parents never mentioned it

if nature had it's way all the time, things would be pretty shit. Many of us on here would have died in childbirth for a start. Nature is full of diseases that can kill us. It requires us to kill others to survive. And back in the cave days I'm sure most women were just getting raped (also by their relatives).

Taking my dd to her first wedding next year. It's between two women. We've walked by weddings a couple of times and she's shouted look mummy it's a princess . I've tried explaining what a wedding is and she just says mummy then I want to marry you.

World is a pretty weird place to explain if you think about it. Why is it okay to kill chickens and eat them but not okay to squash a bug? What happened to nanas dog? But isn't she scared buried in the garden? Why does santa come down the chimney and not just through the door?

Don't overthink Superman. He's defying the laws of nature by flying through the sky after all.

Think the most confusing thing for kids this year has been Covid.