Struggling with the fact that this is forever

[frogs77]

My son has just turned 19 months. Having read threads on this forum and spoken to friends in real life, most people seem to say that 12 months is often a turning point but 18 months is definitely one.

The problem is I never hit that point. I still struggle every day with being a mum - feeling tired, anxious, missing my free time, missing being able to just go places quickly and easily, missing the ability to relax, missing my relationship with my husband, hating the mess, the cooking and cleaning, feeling scared of the responsibility and the feeling that this is my life now (okay to varying degrees) forever.

During the baby stage it seemed normal and acceptable to say you were struggling, but now people generally say they’ve turned a corner, parenting an 18 month old is so wonderful etc etc. It goes without saying that I love my son, feel very protective of him, want the absolute best for him and would do anything to make sure he’s happy. But it all feels like such a relentless slog still. Why aren’t I feeling the parenting joy?!!

I started liking my children when they were 4yo. Never enjoyed the baby stage. Sorry not sorry.

They are now 9yo and 10yo and are amazing

Funnily enough I would say that 18 months to 2 years was the hardest part of parenting for me! Old enough to run away from you (mine were very active) but too young to reason with and explain things to.

Not sure if that helps. It definitely got easier at 3yo but I know that seems a long way away right now. Hang in there OP!

I'm not sure I had a turning point til 3 or 4 tbh.

And now they're much older I look back and acknowledge just how flipping hard it was.

It’s the hardest thing in the world. I feel like that now and again and my son is 31 months. Not all the time but he’s different and in the terrible twos. I do find it helps to breathe and repeat it’s just a phase. The more he started talking type easier i found it because he can now tell me what’s wrong. I find it’s best to take it day by day. You’re not alone OP I have friends who feel the same. It’s a relentless slog. I have so much anger towards my DH now and it’s all because I’m fucking knackered.
Deep breathe, as much gin/wine as you can and remember it’s all a phase. One day they’ll be moving out!!

I didn’t come out of it until she was 2-2.5. Must have been ok with it as she will be 4 in Feb and I’m due another end of December.

I also found things a lot easier once I put her in nursery for one of the days I don’t work. I’ll either catch up on lots of housework, run errands or have some me time. It helps a lot!

I just can’t see how it will get easier. I have friends with 3 and 4 year olds as well as babies and the 3-4 year olds also seem full on and relentless. It scares me that I have responsibility for this person for the next 18 years (and beyond, if you consider the worrying will never stop). It’s such a frightening feeling thinking that this is forever, the rest of my life now.

He’s difficult not different

I enjoyed it all much more after potty training at 2. It wasn’t all plain sailing from there, but I just felt less encumbered by everything.

I’ve even loved the teenage years, although I didn’t expect to! Watching them grown into young people with beliefs, passions and opinions is fascinating. DS and his friends can be great company.

No turning point for me at 18 months old. On the contrary, I found it a very difficult age! Everyone seems to experience parenthood differently so I wouldn't compare myself with others in this respect.

It gets better when you get some time to yourself. Are you a sahp? If so, see if you can get a playgroup place for 2 or 3 mornings a week when he turns 2.

Try and find joy in the small things every day - the little achievements, the smiles, the massive love you get from your son. Everything else is just housework/adultwork and is a feature of life from birth to death whether you have children or not - children just intensify it a bit!

I didn't find it easy or that enjoyable at 19 months!

I know it sounds strange but a small part of me still thinks I’m going to give him back soon (to who I don’t know!) and go back to my old life. But no, this is permanent.

@frogs77

I know it sounds strange but a small part of me still thinks I’m going to give him back soon (to who I don’t know!) and go back to my old life. But no, this is permanent.

I know someone who said this and they had PND. It could be worth speaking to someone.

I struggled with that too. Every other decision of made up until I got pregnant was reversible. Even marriage had the divorce option! But motherhood is FOREVER.

Yes, totally get it. It's huge.

It gets better. You accept it. I'm not sure when but you definitely do.

Oh god that feeling didn't go away for me until she was at school. Not even then, completely, but she's almost 11 now and I don't feel the constant 'weight' on me anymore.

The crises are bigger now, of course, and the parenting decisions weightier e.g. choosing secondary school.

But I can sit down and watch TV or browse Mumsnet and be reasonably sure that I won't be constantly torn away to meet the needs of a small person. And she is literally my favourite person in the world. (Always has been since the day she was born of course, but for the first few years there was a desperate sense of needing a break a lot of the time. Whereas now I actively seek out her company.)

Hang in their @frogs77. As they say, the days are long but the years are short. And at 18 months, the days (and nights) can be really REALLY long. It does pass, though.

Top tip would be not to have another baby now and start all over again, unless you're particularly desperate to have multiple children. ;-)

Oh and yes, I had PND when I was thinking like that.

@frogs77

I just can’t see how it will get easier. I have friends with 3 and 4 year olds as well as babies and the 3-4 year olds also seem full on and relentless. It scares me that I have responsibility for this person for the next 18 years (and beyond, if you consider the worrying will never stop). It’s such a frightening feeling thinking that this is forever, the rest of my life now.

I would suggest maybe speak to a counsellor about these feelings?

You sound a bit overwhelmed and whilst it is scary being a parent, it shouldn;t have to be more scary for you than for other people. It may be that if you talk to someone you might be able to feel a bit less worried.

The worrying doesn't stop, but for me as the kids got older I found there was less to worry about - I know that is very lucky but I moved from worrying every night about SIDS to having big kids where there was, on most days, nothing to worry about at all and an awful lot to enjoy.

for you

the massive love you get from your son.

@Chicchicchicchiclana I like your tip about finding joy in the small things, but about the above - I don’t feel I do get any massive love to be honest! He’s not into cuddles, just wants to be put down straightaway and off running around. If I go away for an hour and come back he’s totally non-plussed when he sees me again, I barely get a smile! Is that normal?

DS (17 months) has got easier with regards to his temperament from 12 months onwards. I enjoy parenting him now more than a year ago. But it’s still really hard. The day to day of parenting is harder now than when he was tiny. He requires a lot more of me both physically and mentally. All my antenatal friends feel similar (actually that’s a lie, a fair few of them are missing the tiny baby stage - can’t relate!) so I’m not sure we’d agree with the idea it gets easier at 12-18 months?

I’ve also enjoyed it a lot more on going back to work. Parenting is relentless and I couldn’t cope being at home with DS every day. Going back to work 3 days/week has made everything seem easier for me, even if parenting is still actually hard.

18 months is tough! Who says it’s easy? Who ARE these people?!

It does get easier.

People deal with it in different ways: you can go back to work and get childcare

You can stay at home, and get lots of free time once they are at school

You need your partner (if around) to step it up as well

It sounds as if it’s just you and the baby? Do you have a partner? Family? A support network?

Is it not possible to have the ‘when do I give him back’ feeling and not have PND then? I just don’t know what’s normal. I’m in an NCT group with a few local mums and they just seem so natural and taking everything in their stride. I did try to confide in a few of them but they didn’t seem to get where I was coming from, so I just left it.

I found the sleep improved about 18 months so I felt a bit more able to cope with the daytime slog but it was still a slog. I think four was the point I got a bit of life back.
Most people lie about stuff like this and pretend it’s all wonderful. You’re grateful for them and you love them to bits but it’s still hard work

Other mums at the same stage as you might not be the best people to talk to - they are probably having their own struggles/tiredness/food fights/all the other drama that goes along with this phase, so might not be able to offer much support. Is there a health visitor or similar you could talk to? We used to go to a baby class at the local children's centre where they had breastfeeding clinics etc and there were always people there that could offer a listening ear and advice. Maybe you just need someone who's not in the thick of it themselves?

Maybe you just need someone who's not in the thick of it themselves?

I was just hoping for some solidarity from others going through the same stage, but the two friends I spoke to just seemed a bit surprised when I said I was finding it hard!

Do you have a partner and are they doing their fair share?