Struggling with the fact that this is forever

[frogs77]

My son has just turned 19 months. Having read threads on this forum and spoken to friends in real life, most people seem to say that 12 months is often a turning point but 18 months is definitely one.

The problem is I never hit that point. I still struggle every day with being a mum - feeling tired, anxious, missing my free time, missing being able to just go places quickly and easily, missing the ability to relax, missing my relationship with my husband, hating the mess, the cooking and cleaning, feeling scared of the responsibility and the feeling that this is my life now (okay to varying degrees) forever.

During the baby stage it seemed normal and acceptable to say you were struggling, but now people generally say they’ve turned a corner, parenting an 18 month old is so wonderful etc etc. It goes without saying that I love my son, feel very protective of him, want the absolute best for him and would do anything to make sure he’s happy. But it all feels like such a relentless slog still. Why aren’t I feeling the parenting joy?!!

I found around 18 months the hardest. It depends on the baby so much. Mine was a running toddler trying to bounce head first off of everything. It all got easier from 2 years when some sense kicked in :)

Some people find parenting harder than others and other people lie about how great their life is.

Are you at work or SAHM? If not working would you consider/ be possible to work a bit? It would give you time to "be you" rather than a mum.

I personally was happy to get my dc into nursery from 1yo and enjoyed time with them more for having a break from them.

I think under 4 is exhausting generally

Under 2 is a serious PITA, plus the sleep deprivation is a killer.

Ds2 is 7 and I'm waiting on him growing up a bit. I know you "can't get this time back" but personally I think it's hard work, thankless and I look forward to my dc being more independent.

I have an 11yo and whilst he has his moments he is a good combination of helpful, responsible and affectionate (just don't ask about tween attitude, and the expenses!! )

I think if you're not feeling the love that makes the shittiness of parenting worthwhile, then that is probably depression and needs treating.

I look back at life before DC and think that whilst it was nice to be so selfish and spend my acres of free time pleasing myself I much prefer the busyness and vitality of being a mum. It's part of me. It helps me connect to the world better. I have a place.

I hope you can come to find some satisfaction with your lot.

15 months (i.e mobile and in to everything!) to starting school was groundhog day for me.

Youngest being about 8 right up until the eldest left for university - happiest time in my life (except when the words "what's for tea?" were spoken!)

I remember when my eldest was the age yours is now and friends saying how wonderful an age it was and just feeling baffled and inadequate because that wasn't how I felt at all. Of course I loved him desperately but it was a hard, hard slog. Some mornings I would just want to cry at the thought of another day and I'd always been so maternal and thought I'd love every second.

I still went on and had two more though!

I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to those hard years and tell my exhausted younger self to go and have a cup of tea and a lie down in peace while I play with the children for a few hours. It would be win-win because I'd give anything to hold them again when they were tiny - secure in the knowledge that I could hand them back at some point!

Is there any chance you could afford nursery for a couple of sessions a week? I did that from about age 2 with all of mine (just two afternoons) and it saved my sanity!

@toolazytothinkofausername

I started liking my children when they were 4yo. Never enjoyed the baby stage. Sorry not sorry.

They are now 9yo and 10yo and are amazing

Hahaha. Did you get a prize for being so honest?!!

I felt like I'd reached the turning point at some stage of my daughter being 2. But then Covid came along. (She turned 3 last spring, during the first lockdown.) My mental health has really gone downhill since and I've been very depressed for about six months now. My daughter has started school and I should be enjoying the change of pace but I'm feeling broken 😔 Plus she's still a shit sleeper with crazy-high energy levels. No more children for me!

I didn't start to really enjoy mine till they were 3+ and they started learning things properly and you could have a conversation with them. Of course i love them to pieces but everything was so bloody hard.

Don't get sucked into putting an arbitrary age on it because that way madness lies. Just try and find small bits of enjoyment to get you through the days and eventually you'll turn round and be able to think yes, it is a bit easier now. Get him doing things for himself as early as possible for eg getting dressed, mopping up spills, putting his own shoes on, putting toys away.

But 18 months is not a fun age. They're into everything and don't yet understand "don't do that". Don't fall into the trap of think that because jane down the road says she loved having a toddler that you have to feel the same way by that age. One of my relatives says her favourite age and when it got easier for her for her was when hers were university age!

Age 3 is when it changed for me. I now have a threenager who sleeps 12 hours and won’t get out of bed in the morning unless Asda has been and delivered snacks. We watch tv together and have proper conversations and play silly games. He hugs me and says “I missed you, I love you”. At 18m he was more like a hamster, I kept him alive but he gave nothing back.

The stuff you miss will come back. When your child can watch an entire movie or play on their own you can relax. And by age 3 you can be spontaneous again, you can dump the bags and nappies and pushchair, and just pick up your child and go.

I didn't reach any kind of turning point untill mine turned 3. And even still I get days where I don't know how I am meant to do this forever. Even though it's not forever cause one day they will be grown but still. It can feel endless. And then I get sad that they grow up too fast and that I am missing out on the joy by being sleep deprived and stressed all the time
So.
Solidarity is all I can offer. And that it does get better, gradually.

I was exactly the same as you. It does get better, really. Gradually.

But not properly till they hit 5. Its not forever.

TBH I found my babies and young toddlers boring and looking after them was a thankless task. My daughter was more interesting from about 2 and my son was so hard work I didn’t really feel like it was a joy until he was about 4.

@frogs77 Is it possible once a month someone else can look after DS (DH, DP, a grandparent, aunt/uncle) for the day whilst you go out and enjoy yourself? One your "day off" you could arrange to meet a friend for lunch.

I felt similar. Well I felt like that from very early on, so I outsourced a lot of it, put them in nursery pt at four and five months the respectively and went back to work. We had no family help. It absolutely saved me. Still hard but bearable.
When DC2 went to primary it was downhill all the way and I have genuinely loved it ever since.
I just hung on in there for the early years and paid others to do a lot of the drudge. Now 18 and 16 and never a moments regret.

Personally, I loved the little baby stage - there's only 2-3 reasons they might be crying, they stay where you put them and nearly all problems can be fixed with milk. Older, mobile baby gets trickier.

I found 18 months onwards fucking hard. They are starting to realise they are an independent being, without having enough language, physical or emotional skills to actually be independent. It passed at different points for my kids. DC1 was enjoyable at about 2.5, DC3 at about 3. I've only really started enjoying DC2 in the last 9 months or so since turning 6!! Things get easier with each little achievement towards independence - when they're potty trained, then they can be sent to the snack cupboard to choose something, then they dress themselves, then they start school. Also, when DC1 got a sibling and the two of them could distract each other rather than me have to play Every Single Game.

I've had so many moments of "is this all I'm destined for", but I promise it will get easier. Agree with PPs, get yourself some head time. A couple of days of nursery so you can do something for you - even if that's just slobbing on the sofa with Netflix.

Do you have a parenting charity near you you can talk to? I had a mental health support service for new mums called Bluebell and they were so helpful for helping me untangle what was normal and what was my circumstances or illness. I found them very reassuring about things getting better too. I know people can be quick to talk about PND on here but if you have a chat with a specialist it could help you figure out if there is something more going on. That feeling of trapped/overwhelm that you describe is very much how I felt with PND.

Oh and just a suggestion that can seem futile but honestly I live by it - we get out the house for as much of the day as we can. Staying home with me 20mo drives me insane with boredom and I easily start to spiral downwards mentally. I make the effort to find out what's going on locally (Facebook events mainly) and also spend a lot of time just playing at parks or going for walks to feed the ducks etc. Meet up with friends with other toddlers as much as I can. Buy myself coffee or cake as a treat. I'm a much better parent out of the house and we have lovely trips out together.

Sorry you are struggling OP.

I don't have a lot of advice but one thing to say is try to remember who you are. You are still that person. You are still yourself and you are a separate being from your child with your own personality, likes, interests etc.

I think it's hard to hang onto that as a relatively new parent but as your child gets older you will find ways of reintroducing things into your life that are for you and about you.

19 months is still so young and they are still so dependent on you. Once they are a bit more independent you will get some of your own life back for yourself. You're not gone, just sort of dormant at the moment!

I felt like 3 was that turning point with my eldest. 4 with my youngest. I'm not saying that to fill you with dread about the next couple of years, there are many very lovely things about toddlers. But it's hard and tiring and relentless, and you are absolutely normal to recognise that.

19 months is still so young, don't be so hard on yourself. It's tough. My DS has always been full on and quite high needs. He's just turned three and even though he still has his moments, and parenting is still exhausting, it's so much easier. There's no longer naps to obsess over, he's potty trained so no nappies to carry around and change, and if he's sleeping badly or upset he can tell me what's wrong. He went out for the day with his dad and grandma the other day and when he came back he ran straight over to me, gave me a massive hug and said that he missed me and he loved me. He's funny and sweet and genuinely lovely to be around lots of the time, apart from the typical 3 year old tantrums and boundary pushing that we have to ride out!

I think everyone's ' turning point' happens at different times. My SIL said it was at 1yo, honestly I found the newborn stage the easiest, my toddler is into everything and I miss the days of laying her on her play mat and knowing she wasn't going anywhere! 😂

DS is now 3 months and except the back baby poop, this is definitely my absolute favourite age so far 🥰🥰 He's so sweet and cuddly and just fits in with whatever I need to do that day.

Nope definitely first 2 years were hell. Then they get more interesting but it's still full on and exhausting. Then they start nursery and then school and then it all gets easier. I know that feeling of 'OMG this is forever' but at some point I promise you will find it gets easier - or at least a lot more fun and interesting!

Things only got better for me when they started pre school and I went on medication for my anxiety. Try to take each day as it comes don't look too much into the future because all kids are different, the next phase might be easier.

When DS 10 hit 18 months he started showing the first signs of ADHD. It definitely depends on the child.

I thought the baby stage was pure hell myself.

OP, do you work? I ask because I immediately liked motherhood more when I finished maternity leave and began spending a large part of every week doing something engrossing and unrelated to parenthood.

Baby stage was hell on Earth. Yes DD1 was a nightmare baby, but DD2 (ten weeks) is easyish and I still detest it.

I don’t think it’s helpful to identify an arbitrary point in which things should get easier. Focus on one day at a time, and one day you’ll wake up and realise it’s not too bad. We hit that at about 2, but DD1 was an early speaker so we could hold a full conversation and explain things to her then. Other friends with easier babies found it less challenging until the toddler years. Almost everyone I know says that primary school age is the best.

I really hope you feel better soon.

What I found helped was to get out of the house every day for something. Preferably a playgroup that you could sit and mindlessly drink a cup of tea or look through your phone or chat to others. I craved adult company. Still find a day with my children alone hard and they are now all at school.

I can't imagine how hard lockdown was for new mums. I hope you can find some real life support.