Struggling with the fact that this is forever

[frogs77]

My son has just turned 19 months. Having read threads on this forum and spoken to friends in real life, most people seem to say that 12 months is often a turning point but 18 months is definitely one.

The problem is I never hit that point. I still struggle every day with being a mum - feeling tired, anxious, missing my free time, missing being able to just go places quickly and easily, missing the ability to relax, missing my relationship with my husband, hating the mess, the cooking and cleaning, feeling scared of the responsibility and the feeling that this is my life now (okay to varying degrees) forever.

During the baby stage it seemed normal and acceptable to say you were struggling, but now people generally say they’ve turned a corner, parenting an 18 month old is so wonderful etc etc. It goes without saying that I love my son, feel very protective of him, want the absolute best for him and would do anything to make sure he’s happy. But it all feels like such a relentless slog still. Why aren’t I feeling the parenting joy?!!

Haven't read the full thread but had to comment as I found 18 months a very difficult age. My DD had a bad sleep regression then and was up for hours at night and we couldn't take her anywhere ..she was feral 😂 I remember dragging her away from shops screaming and getting her in a car seat or a buggy was hard as she just wanted to escape 🙈
I'm remember a friend at work saying to me it gets better at 2.5 and she was right. But from the age of 3, I started to enjoy being with my daughter a lot more.
I still don't think I'll ever 'get over' becoming a mum, it was a HUGE change for me and shocked me to the core. I did have severe PND though so maybe work talking to someone.
I want you to know your feelings are valid and more commonplace than you might think.
I too feel like I'm surrounded by mums who find it a doddle compared to me!
It will get easier.

I was talking about a similar thing with my friend the other day, more ‘when do you come up for air’ after having a baby, my little boy is almost 19mo and I feel very much post partum still and in the thick of it, I know people who have babies the same age who are pregnant again or even have another newborn and I just can’t fathom it. However my little boy still doesn’t sleep through and still breastfeeds so is dependant on me in a lot of newborn ways still so I guess that could be the reason!

My little boy is the best thing to ever happen to me, he’s my best friend, but I too still don’t feel I’ve come for air, I think I almost did around 12 months but then he joined nursery and we’ve had an onslaught of nursery germs/illnesses that I think has given me a touch of PPA focussed on health anxiety that I should probably speak to my HV about. Everything else about motherhood is more than I could ever dream of, but I too struggle to think about how I’m going to live with this level of anxiety about another person for the rest of my life. I don’t think lockdown will have helped either as we’ve not had the ‘normal’ motherhood experience.

Honestly, 18 months is SO tough for many parents. I found about 9 months - 2.5y absolutely soul destroying with my first. It was so, so hard physically and mentally and at that stage you are often trying to juggle work, childcare, toddler, possibly pregnant and new baby (I was). You're exhausted beyond belief and it's relentless.

Other ages and stages present their challenges but I do think that toddler stage is exceptionally hard, relentless and thankless. It's a slog. I have a 5 year old, a 3.5 year old and a 2 week old and honestly they're all easy in comparison to the 12 - 36 month stage (to me).

Totally normal, it's a hard slog, I think we have phases that maybe suit some of us better than others, I found out I just didn't suit the baby phase at all but finding 2+ a lot more enjoyable. I abs did not like the baby phase, it's non stop all day and a lot to get your head around too as it really is a BIG adjustment and it Does take time! Can you relay certain parts of it with your partner it takes the edge of it a lot! Like every other evening he does the Bedtimr routine and I walk the dog that 40 mins walk is a great recharge and so peaceful! X x

Are you on hormonal contraception or breastfeeding? The hormones of these made me weird and anxious

I agree with everything everyone has said. I have a 11 yr old, 8yr old & just turned 2yr old! So I know it gets easier but when your in the thick of it it’s hard work! I keep thinking & saying, in another 1-2yrs things will be easier. Some things may get easier before then, like has been said it’s gradual & they learn new things & pass milestones that go towards their understanding & independence.
But I think age 4 is the start of it really easing, only because at age 3 I found they can still tantrum & havnt quite matured emotionally, although understanding is increasing so I guess age 3 can be up & down.

I’ve enjoyed reading this thread as it’s nice to hear the reassurance of it getting better for people (even tho I know it does!) & also that im not alone! I’ve found myself smiling and nodding in agreement. It’s really is a case of hanging in there & getting through it best we can & try to enjoy the nice bits, the cuddles, the cute things they say, the bond growing with their siblings, learning new things & experiencing Things for the first time etc

Op maybe you just need a break- a regular break and If still feeling the same or you feel that won’t help, then maybe taking to a professional would be a good idea.

I absolutely adored the baby stage I could say I loved every minute of it, until I had my 2nd baby and I had 2 under 2 then the dynamics completely changed. I found it really hard until my eldest started school and would say the best years were between 6 and 8. They are now 15 and 13 and parenting teenagers is 1000 times harder imo then when they were little - when they are little they are in bed most of the time by 7pm so you get an evening. Even though there are battles and challenges when they are little you are in charge and decide most things for them where to go what to wear etc. I remember thinking on the really hard dark days when parenting was getting me down that one day they will be teenagers and life will be so much easier but I actually find it really hard now.

Halloween with primary aged kids - buy a couple of cute outfits in Tesco and collect lots of sweets around the neighbourhood - teenagers on halloween- go to halloween party in a random childs garden or even hang at the local park with bottles of alcohol!!! I SO miss them being little now!!!

It's not forever. Parenthood is constantly changing as the children grow up, dynamics change. Hold on. You can get through this.

I'm not going to say it definitely gets easier because the things some people find easy and others find hard. But it will definitely change and there will be different challenges.