Struggling with the fact that this is forever

[frogs77]

My son has just turned 19 months. Having read threads on this forum and spoken to friends in real life, most people seem to say that 12 months is often a turning point but 18 months is definitely one.

The problem is I never hit that point. I still struggle every day with being a mum - feeling tired, anxious, missing my free time, missing being able to just go places quickly and easily, missing the ability to relax, missing my relationship with my husband, hating the mess, the cooking and cleaning, feeling scared of the responsibility and the feeling that this is my life now (okay to varying degrees) forever.

During the baby stage it seemed normal and acceptable to say you were struggling, but now people generally say they’ve turned a corner, parenting an 18 month old is so wonderful etc etc. It goes without saying that I love my son, feel very protective of him, want the absolute best for him and would do anything to make sure he’s happy. But it all feels like such a relentless slog still. Why aren’t I feeling the parenting joy?!!

As you've found, 'having children' is the most wonderful, fulfilling, most beautiful thing in the world. But 'parenting' is tough!

DS is also going through a sleep regression at the moment which isn’t helping (it sounds like he’s just woken up now). I must admit I thought sleep problems would be in the past by now too.

It's not forever. I personally found from 12 months (or when mobile) - 4 years the hardest by far. So much work, so much minding. Then it gradually got better...they could put on their own seatbelt, get their own snack, stay on their own for half an hour etc

@frogs77

Is it not possible to have the ‘when do I give him back’ feeling and not have PND then? I just don’t know what’s normal. I’m in an NCT group with a few local mums and they just seem so natural and taking everything in their stride. I did try to confide in a few of them but they didn’t seem to get where I was coming from, so I just left it.

Of course it’s possible. You are still adjusting to the most massive upheaval you will ever go through in your life. Its completely and utterly fine to say ‘I love my son but I don’t enjoy being a parent that much at the moment’ - it doesn’t mean you have a mental health diagnosis. It also doesn’t mean this period of relentless survival will be forever.

I wouldn’t try and discuss this with NCT friends unless you are close to them. Nobody gets through the first few years of parenting problem free - just because they can’t relate to your problem doesn’t mean they don’t have their own. I really really struggled with the newborn stage and I actually found my child free fiends much better to talk to. I didn’t know my NCT friends too well then, I thought they were smashing it, it’s only with time I realise we were all just getting through the days in our own way.

My DS is the same age as yours OP, and it is definitely relentless. I do see a lot of love from my DS which really makes it worth it though - he asks for kisses now, has recently learnt the word 'cuddle' (as he runs towards me with arms out), and sleeps through the night (touch wood). But yes he has tantrums and his favourite word is 'No'. I found it a lot easier when I went back to work - I felt like I got part of
'Me' back as my career has always been a large part of my identity. DS does nursery 3 days per week and I work FT but compressed hours - everything's hard, but it does feel manageable. Feel free to PM me.

I had similar feelings to you. I did feel that life got a bit easier, as someone else said, after potty training. It gave her a bit of independence and i didn’t have to carry round nappy bags etc everywhere anymore / remember to buy nappies all the time. Days out felt easier.

Also as the speech develops it made my days very bright and I started to laugh a lot - she came out with all sorts of lovely insights and it felt more like a two way relationship with her rather than me just doing thankless caring all day. I love having chats with her now (age 3).

Also when she started to have more stamina to walk further before getting tired. We could go for a nice walk round a park and look at things together, or walk to a cafe for lunch etc. Little shared activities that i enjoyed as well and enriched my life as well as her’s. She also goes to bed really early now (6.30!) as she’s so busy in the day. So while the days with a three year old are quite intense, they are often filled with laughter, conversation and playfulness and I rarely feel bored. She gets tired early and I get a nice long evening.

Thanks. DH does his bit (he’s up with DS comforting him now) but I know DS will be up for a good hour or two now he’s woken up - just as I was hoping for an early night.

I felt like this about my first but she's 4 now and life doesn't have that relentless feeling with her at all, I enjoy being her mum. I feel super proud and she makes me laugh where before I think I felt worried and exhausted ALL the time. My daydreams of me having relaxed times/ adventures in the future have started feasibly being able to include her in them as she's sensible and fun and easy to chat to. The physical keeping them safe, running after them, disturbed nights, big tantrums, cleaning up food, buggies, changing nappies, having to watch every second as they have no sense of danger and don't really listen at all, for me it got in the way of enjoying the relationship. Things have got easier and easier since she turned 3. My youngest is 2 and feel like I'm battling through a lot of days but I know this phase won't last forever. Don't take on the pressure about this being supposed to be the best time of your life, I don't think it is for everyone. It's just a little bit of your life and then they go to school and you can go places with them without packing everything, baby wiping constantly and looking for a buggy accessible route wherever you go.

Thanks but it genuinely doesn’t feel like we will ever get there. I mean I know logically we will, but 4 seems like such a long long way away right now. I don’t think I can deal with another 2.5 years of this

Turning point at 18 months you say? Dunno mine are 11 and 9 and I'm still waiting...just today I was wondering if I could resign from parenting!
But i found it easier once dc turned four (& was slightly peeved that just as they get interesting I had to send them to school!)
Op I think all of you parents who have had babies during Covid have had a seriously tough time all the support services (I so heavily relied on) either being stopped or reduced to online (which just isn't the same), limited or no support from the wider family due to lock-downs and then working from home with a baby/ toddler on top, just NOOOOOOO! I mean it's enough to break the strongest of people.
It does start to get easier when the little urchins can communicate better, you'll just have to ride-out the toddler tantrums (I found the super-nanny book and some awesome posters on here really helpful as my first dc was unbelievably hard-work and regularly had me in tears)
Being a parent is bloody hard work, and preschoolers are really, really hard work! Make sure you get some downtime in the meantime to get you through

Oops just seen your update, you will get through it, I may have missed it, but can your little one go to nursery or a grandparent to give you a break? It's so intense and all consuming at that age, but it's also essential that you have some time out for yourself

My son is 2.5 and just starting to get easier. He recently started "sleeping through" - as in, he doesn't wake for milk anymore but does still wake just to throw himself around the bed a bit, wake us up, then go back off.

The tantrums we've had with him have been unreal. He gave a baby a ball yesterday and I was flabbergasted that he was sharing without throwing himself to the floor!

All kids are different, but I can assure you at that age, mine was still a little turd and he's only just turning a corner

I also found that 4 was the turning point. I pretty much hated it before then.

Mine is now 7 and is awesome, but I'm still overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. However Ive come to accept that my old life is now gone and so I just need to embrace what I now have.

Im sure you will feel differently as he gets older. Until that time you've just got to keep plugging on im afraid.

3-4 is amazing. When you see them become a little person, with their own ideas, that you can have a chat with. My youngest is 4 and if I could freeze time I would.

I don't think there is a magical turning point just that the challenges are different as they move through stages. So for example my 9 year old never shuts up - he's a bright lad with a lot to share and very tiring but he sleeps for 9 hours a night and there's no more nappy changes :-) Perhaps you need to stop looking for something that's not there and go with it.

18 month to 3 is tough and my DC never bloody slept.

Now he's nearly a teen and still gets up early but I can sleep in unless he has a club etc, leave him to go to the shops etc and he likes to mainly ignore me but we do lots of stuff together, football, eating out etc.

The younger years are tough but wish I had enjoyed it more and been more patient but very hard with work and no sleep.

Make time for yourself. Go for dinner or drinks or shops, hair cut. Time to be you.

It can be so overwhelming at that age trying to keep an eye on them all the time, change nappies, prepare meals, deal with sleep issues etc. It does get easier around 3 and once potty trained. Different challenges but a slightly easier day although now its school runs, packed lunches, homework, after school activities etc. Definitely carve out some you time in whatever way you can to give you head space and a break. I find going to work helps me feel more like me, furlough nearly finished me off! I also 'run' I'm not fast but it gets me out of the house for a bit, clears my head and gives me space. Hope things pick up for you soon.

Looking back I struggled to adjust to my new life when having dc1.. I swear when I held her in my arms when she was born I was hit with this realisation that I will worry about her forever. We moved to a lovely big house just before having a family and when dc1 came along for about 2 years I often dreamt I was going into my old house. Turns out you dream of an old house when you yearn for your old life lol. Turning point at about 3 years old. Now have dc2 and never did I think I would be finding it much easier, second time round it’s a breeze for me, but maybe that’s because I took so long to adjust the first time round.
I didn’t have post natal depression, just a massive adjustment in lifestyle

Your son sounds bright, inquisitive and lively.
I found the toddler years really hard, walking, potty training all that, but did enjoy seeing DD doing things, learning, having fun.
Not every bit of parenting is sunshine and roses, but if you really aren't enjoying any of it, I would maybe talk to your GP? Different people enjoy different ages. Small children can be relentless in their needs - that side of things does change.

Put him in full time nursery
Go to work or don't
But get a break

@frogs77

Is it not possible to have the ‘when do I give him back’ feeling and not have PND then? I just don’t know what’s normal. I’m in an NCT group with a few local mums and they just seem so natural and taking everything in their stride. I did try to confide in a few of them but they didn’t seem to get where I was coming from, so I just left it.

I know exactly what you mean! I had all of those feelings up to about 6/7 years, that's the good bit Then come the teenagers 😱😱😱😱😱😱 which is good because they go out but then you worry, it's a never ending cycle... it does get better I assure you. Or we just get used to it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I commented to dh that dtds finally felt easier age 4 and he replied “is that because they’re at school 8.45-3.20?” yep, that was it! Hurrah for school. Mine are now 13 and 11 and they can unload the dishwasher, run the vacuum cleaner round and make their own breakfast/entertain themselves on the weekend early mornings so i get a lay in and then bring me coffee in bed! It’s amazing. Toddler days are hard work. Hang on in there!

I think the turning point was when mine started school, I felt down, tired and worn out all the time before, I used to take them to nursery and just wish I could go to sleep and wake up when they were older.
Now they are 14,12 & 9, it is hard really hard but in a totally different way, but I’d still much much rather this xx

14-20 months is bloody difficult!

To be honest the turning point is when they start school.