I'm confused about motherhood and I dont know if I could cope - help

[unsurepanix]

Hi Ladies,

first and foremost thanks for being the most informative place online that I've found in trying to make my decision to become a mum or not... I'll try keep it short!

I am earlyish twenties and my DH is 31 years old. I am thinking about having one child but he wants none ideally. Before we got married, he said that if I choose to have one child he will support me as long as it makes me happy. But he wants me to decide soon. His reason being that a lot of our life choices/career paths is going to be determined by whether I have a child or not. He wants a vasectomy as I cant do BC. I understand where he is coming from and he has been waiting for over a year for my answer and I just finished an important exam so I think my time has come. For me too I need to decide as the career path I want would never accommodate for potential issues with my child or me being a mother

In my head, I have this fantasy of what motherhood is. Constant smiles, hugs, cute family activities, having a little friend, copious love, it would come naturally etc etc. Basically what media sells to young girls... that instagram mum image. It wasn't until recently that I woke up. my mother and her friends were having a dinner party which I attended. They started talking about having kids and went on and on about how hard it is -- sleepless nights, monotony, stress, baby crying, mother crying, screaming, very little freedom etc etc.

I asked my mother and she told me having a child turns your life upside down, its a new life in itself. And I am an only child and was raised with the help of her sister, two cousins and mother. she said its hard with moments of joy but overall it is a taxing thing. I looked into it here and from some reliable sources on being a parent and it seems the same message: parenting is hard but you will love your kids, whether you consider it worth it or not depends on the individual.

thing is for me, I want to be a mum but I dont think I could deal with the total loss of autonomy, hobbies and no free time. I have a lot of energy but I also need to be left alone. my relationship with DH is v important and all his friends with kids tell me that will turn into being parents solely. I want to be a mum but I am scared the reality will pile up and I will crumble?

most of my friends are childfree and simply tell me not to do it, but I dont take their opinion to seriously as they just find parenting a waste of time but I can see myself as one.

I'm so ridiculously confused as every time I see a cute Facebook post with kids, I get politely reminded that was a snapshot in time. I think I've seen/heard so much romanticised stuff on motherhood that when someone removes their filter it just scares me now.

does anyone have any advice on my situation? did anyone feel the same?

also, if its so hard how do us women cope with/want more than one?

thanks!

Don’t have a child with him. You both have to want it and he doesn’t. Babies are fantastic but incredibly hard on relationships.
He’s not a keeper. You are young and need to wait until you are ready.

First and foremost, if all those things matter to you then you need to think long on hard whether to have a child with a man who doesn’t want a child, but will have one to make you happy. Children do shake your relationship in so many ways. It is all about them. Me and my hubby have not had any undisrupted time together since our son was born over 2 years ago. We have been ‘surviving’. We have recently had another child and now the hard work is x100.

Children need your undivided time and attention in order to thrive. My SIL has been weighing it up like you recently and I told her if she is ready to be completely selfless and devote the next couple of years to a child with barely a minute to herself then she is ready for a child. Turns out she isn’t lol. The early years are crucial in setting your child up to become the best of themselves.

The crying, whining, whinging can be unbearable as it happens a lot throughout the day so you and your hubby will need lots of patience. You’ll think that child is preoccupied and you can get a 10 minute break but then 2 minutes in the baby is crying or the toddler throws a meltdown over something minor. There can be little respite.

On the plus side you will feel a love that you have never felt before. A fierce protective instinct and a type of happiness that only a parent knows. There are so many emotions that come with parenting that happen all at once. It’s crazy.

But overall, you do need to consider whether you actually want a child with someone who doesn’t actually want one, as like I said, they do have a major impact on your relationship.

Do not have a child ,especially with him.

Honestly, if your DH is not 100% behind having a child, then I wouldn’t do it. It can be hard, harder still if you’re not both fully committed.

I think he’s being unfair to make you decide now. You’re early 20s, many people don’t want children at that age but feel differently a few years down the line.

He has to want a child too. Otherwise it's a non-starter.

My children give me joy every single day. And do does my dog. Life's pretty lonely without people and pets to love. Hope that helps.

You are far, far too young to decide not to have a child, especially because you've already said you would like to be a mother. Don't decide on motherhood based on other people's opinions and experiences. Only you can decide this, and your experience will be your own. My kids are adults now, and I loved every minute of being a mum when my kids were little. Best time of my life.

I do know, however, that you absolutely should not have a child with your husband. Personally, I think your marriage is already in trouble.

see that's how I am approaching the situation - I'm removing him from the picture and trying to make the decision for myself and what makes me happy as I am aware he can always walk out. if I was with a man who wanted kids I'd be asking myself the same questions (as it turns out they often walk out too). the only difference is I have less time but not by much as if I want a baby it would be around now anyway as I'd want to give birth earlier on in life.
@Megan2018 do you think with another man I would be okay or I should give it a pass?
@Winceybincey thanks for your input. I can see what you're saying and it echoes some of what I heard anyway. I feel like my friends who want or even have kids are struggling in that a lot of men dont want to help it seems, or want kids (at least around us/our age group that is). congrats on your second! just out of curiosity what made you have a second whilst having a toddler it sounds so exhausting? Ideally in my head I wanted two/three but I dont think I could handle one in reality lol

I don't understand why he is making to chose now. If you're early 20s you have 10-15 years at least to have a child.

Do you have known fertility issues?

You have said your choice of career would be affected by having a child. How? Why not go for the career you want now, then make a decision about motherhood in your early 30s.

Why the rush to get a vasectomy?

This is a very strange situation to be in.

@Ionlydomassiveones yes I agree SM is not a good picture of parenting and I am lucky that people actually told me rather than perpetuating the lies so many women get told. it's just I personally struggle with getting the rose tinted glasses off in this case. and yes - but I feel like everyone has started pushing me into a corner lately. he's just trying to plan money wise etc, I dont think he meant any harm that he'd do it for me

@Animood
nope, I dont think so.
And the career path I want to take requires A LOT of hours for a good few years before you get to a good position, which for me would probably be late twenties or early thirties. after that, I dont want to just forsake my work as its difficult for females to succeed in that sector. If I chose to have a child, I'd take an overall easier career in a similar sector.

no clue to your last question!

This probably isn't very helpful, but to me, the fact you are having weigh up the pros and cons tells me that you aren't ready to have a child yet.
I don't know if my experience is typical, but I had a deeply felt urge to have children and it was not even a consideration that we wouldn't try. That kind of instinctive feeling ensures that you will put up with any amount of broken nights, limited social life etc because you can't imagine your life any other way.
I very much doubt that there is any career that cannot somehow be maintained through those early motherhood years. It may be tough and require you to work part time or get a nanny or whatever, but again, if you want it badly enough, you will find a way.
Be under no illusions though, parenting is tough, even for the most enthusiastic parents, and you need the full commitment and support of your partner.

OP, it's absolutely fine to feel unsure about things at the moment. Thinking that you might want children one day is very different to thinking that you want them right now!

Lots of parents enjoy their 20s before having kids, whether that's partying or focusing on their career, or just prioritising their relationship. If you actually do want children right now then that's fine - but it's equally fine to say that you think you probably will want children, but just not yet. You're still so young and being forced to make a choice now is deeply unfair, and actually rather controlling.

I fell pregnant accidentally at age 34. But as a PP said, the love you feel for your child is like nothing else. It makes all the hard work and sleepless nights worthwhile - why else would people have more than one?! There are those Instagram moments when your baby is sleeping, when they're holding your hand, or when they come running to you and give you a big hug. There's nothing better. But mixed in with that is the times when they won't eat the sodding dinner that you cooked (that they normally love), the tantrum in the park and the times when they won't go to bloody sleep!

Parenthood is a wonderful experience but it's a mixed bag, and the early years can be tough. It does get easier and things change - and then you're wishing for your cute little toddler to reappear (because you forget how bad things were at the time!!).

If you have even a fraction of a urge to be a mum, don't ignore it. Even if you don't want them just yet, the desire to be a mum starts to become much stronger as you get older if you're even the slightest bit maternal. Whether to have children or not is one of the few things that it's very hard to compromise on - you will never forgive him if you are forced to decide now and you lose your opportunity.

I don't know if my experience is typical, but I had a deeply felt urge to have children and it was not even a consideration that we wouldn't try. That kind of instinctive feeling ensures that you will put up with any amount of broken nights, limited social life etc because you can't imagine your life any other way.

Yes, I felt exactly the same.

And yes, motherhood can be difficult, in the same way anything can. It was a real shock to the system for me the first few months. But of course it is doable! I have grown hugely as a person since giving birth to my first daughter. Could the 26 year old newly wed me deal.with the stuff 30 year old mum of two me deals with? No. But that's kind of how it works - you learn from experience on the job. And it all becomes your new normal.

And the career path I want to take requires A LOT of hours for a good few years before you get to a good position, which for me would probably be late twenties or early thirties. after that, I dont want to just forsake my work as its difficult for females to succeed in that sector.

I'm sorry op, but your rigid thinking about your career and motherhood is just silly. Countless very successful women with very high powered/intense jobs have children and enjoy motherhood whilst still keeping and florishing in their career. It is not an either/or proposition.

You should NOT have a child who's not as invested in the whole idea as you are!

I've got a 2 year old DS - I still have autonomy, hobbies and time to myself...but that's because I have a supportive DH who pulls his weight.

@Aquamarine1029 not rigid at all: I know a lot of women who are top in hospitals or other intense jobs and have kids
I cant do both as I know I'd burn out, personally. what I meant by forsake career is that if I had a change of heart I would leave that path behind after giving birth as I'd rather focus on the child - but I've already given so much time to it. very male dominated and have already put up with a lot of BS in junior positions. for me personally I would either want heavy focus on career or babies.

for me personally I would either want heavy focus on career or babies.

But you’re early 20s. Your thinking around this may be very different in 10 years time. My thinking on so many issues was completely different by the time I was 35 to what is was at 20/25. I know a couple of women who gave been very career focused in their 20s, were adamant they didn’t want children and then did change their minds in their 30s. One had a few years away from work but the other went back after a few months.

For me, wanting children was totally on instinct. I had no idea whatsoever how hard it was going to be. Having said that, I would have had no life at all if I hadn't had children. When I was 34 I was doing a lot of transatlantic and European travel for work and living in fancy hotels. I used to go to the restaurants in the evenings and see all the businessmen talking in the bar and just feel as though I was wasting my life completely there. I was just like a fish out of water and only wanted to be at home raising children.

Now I have my one child and although the work is very demanding, it is the right work for me and I feel passionately about getting it right. For example on those times when I manage to give ds a really good dinner, like melon for starter and then fish fingers and oven chips and sweetcorn and then a bit of cake for afters, I feel like a million dollars afterwards. (What I mean is, there is melon in the house. The rest I usually get right.)

When I have a really good conversation with ds and meeting of minds, I also feel really amazing. The flipside is that it can also be very hard - my son was ill once continuously for four years and that was the hardest thing I have experienced in my life. But I think motherhood makes me superhuman sometimes and I staggered on through it.

I worry that your husband says the child would be "yours" because it really doesn't work like that. The child would also be his, and the child would be a human being who would assert ownership over the parent and would demand non-stop attention and everything that he had to offer. It's not like suggesting that you go to an exercise class and he stays home. The kid is going to be living in his house, and eating his food and giving him large numbers of communicable diseases. This is not a thing that he can watch from the sidelines.

For context, a friend of mine was certain that she didn't want children and had one "for her husband". The husband then left her with the child and ran off with another married woman. So please be careful with your situation. It sounds as though you are just not quite on the same page there, and I'd be wondering what other mismatches there are - what does he want to do with his life that isn't children, and how is he going to react if all that goes away.

I cant do both as I know I'd burn out, personally.

Why are you being so negative and pigeonholing yourself? I'm twice your age, and I can assure you that in 10 years you will not be the same person you are now. I mean this gently, but you have barely any life experience, you're very, very young, and you are only just beginning to develop yourself as a person. Viewing yourself, and especially your future, with such a narrow vision is doing such a disservice to yourself. You will be amazed at what you'll be able to handle in the years to come.

I think some people do know they can't do career and motherhood. I always knew, and I am definitely right in that. I have a friend who says the same.

I intended to have two kids but I get what the OP says about that being hard. I think it depends a lot on the first child and the mother and we don't know much about her, or about what children in her family are like.

I think that where kids are concerned, personal circumstances are a huge factor and we can't second guess that from here. The OP may not know yet herself how her family compare to others.

I agree with others that it’s an odd situation to be given a time limit to decide on whether to have a child or not at your age. What if you say you don’t want a child but change your mind in 5-10+ years? What then for your marriage?

I have a 4 month old so I have a short experience of being a mum but my experience would be so different if my partner wasn’t on board and so supportive. I wonder that if your partner doesn’t want kids then how involved will he be? And how will that work?

[quote unsurepanix]@Aquamarine1029 not rigid at all: I know a lot of women who are top in hospitals or other intense jobs and have kids
I cant do both as I know I'd burn out, personally. what I meant by forsake career is that if I had a change of heart I would leave that path behind after giving birth as I'd rather focus on the child - but I've already given so much time to it. very male dominated and have already put up with a lot of BS in junior positions. for me personally I would either want heavy focus on career or babies.[/quote]
If Jacinda Adern can go on maternity leave from being Prime Minister in her late 30s, I think there’s probably some leeway in your sector.

@CodeMode

for me personally I would either want heavy focus on career or babies.

But you’re early 20s. Your thinking around this may be very different in 10 years time. My thinking on so many issues was completely different by the time I was 35 to what is was at 20/25. I know a couple of women who gave been very career focused in their 20s, were adamant they didn’t want children and then did change their minds in their 30s. One had a few years away from work but the other went back after a few months.

This. In as kind a way as possible OP, all of your posts sound very young and naive. But given everything you've said so far, including the fact you are still very young, my advice would be to stick with the career you want and take babies off the table for now. Give yourself the time to grow, both professionally and as a person and the decision may feel a lot more instinctual as time goes on. As PP have said, you have time on your side here and there are honestly very few career paths which would be completely incompatible with having a child/children. Your views around your personal limits may also change significantly as time goes on. Either way, it doesn't sound like your DH actually wants children and that's a recipe for disaster in itself, he isn't the right person for you to co-parent with happily, as having a baby/child can be bloody hard work at times.