I'm confused about motherhood and I dont know if I could cope - help

[unsurepanix]

Hi Ladies,

first and foremost thanks for being the most informative place online that I've found in trying to make my decision to become a mum or not... I'll try keep it short!

I am earlyish twenties and my DH is 31 years old. I am thinking about having one child but he wants none ideally. Before we got married, he said that if I choose to have one child he will support me as long as it makes me happy. But he wants me to decide soon. His reason being that a lot of our life choices/career paths is going to be determined by whether I have a child or not. He wants a vasectomy as I cant do BC. I understand where he is coming from and he has been waiting for over a year for my answer and I just finished an important exam so I think my time has come. For me too I need to decide as the career path I want would never accommodate for potential issues with my child or me being a mother

In my head, I have this fantasy of what motherhood is. Constant smiles, hugs, cute family activities, having a little friend, copious love, it would come naturally etc etc. Basically what media sells to young girls... that instagram mum image. It wasn't until recently that I woke up. my mother and her friends were having a dinner party which I attended. They started talking about having kids and went on and on about how hard it is -- sleepless nights, monotony, stress, baby crying, mother crying, screaming, very little freedom etc etc.

I asked my mother and she told me having a child turns your life upside down, its a new life in itself. And I am an only child and was raised with the help of her sister, two cousins and mother. she said its hard with moments of joy but overall it is a taxing thing. I looked into it here and from some reliable sources on being a parent and it seems the same message: parenting is hard but you will love your kids, whether you consider it worth it or not depends on the individual.

thing is for me, I want to be a mum but I dont think I could deal with the total loss of autonomy, hobbies and no free time. I have a lot of energy but I also need to be left alone. my relationship with DH is v important and all his friends with kids tell me that will turn into being parents solely. I want to be a mum but I am scared the reality will pile up and I will crumble?

most of my friends are childfree and simply tell me not to do it, but I dont take their opinion to seriously as they just find parenting a waste of time but I can see myself as one.

I'm so ridiculously confused as every time I see a cute Facebook post with kids, I get politely reminded that was a snapshot in time. I think I've seen/heard so much romanticised stuff on motherhood that when someone removes their filter it just scares me now.

does anyone have any advice on my situation? did anyone feel the same?

also, if its so hard how do us women cope with/want more than one?

thanks!

I think you're putting loads of pressure on yourself to make a big decision that, in reality, you really really don't need to decide yet. As I said, you probably have 15 years of fertility left, with option to adopt long after that.

Decide your career based on what YOU want to achieve, then think about kids when you're early 30s. So much will change in that 10 years. From the sounds of your DH, I wouldn't be surprised if you were in a different relationship (sorry if that's harsh, but the vasectomy thing is so weird).

Tell your DH to stop being ridiculous about the vasectomy. And tell him to stop putting pressure on you to decide right now.

Honestly, I know you've said your career is v high pressured etc. But you're not president of the United States or going into space! Maybe you'll be a doctor or a lawyer? Loads of women do those things combined with motherhood. I see them ace it every day! Maybe you couldnt do it right now, which is why professional women typically wait until they're 30 or more to have a child. At that stage they know the job and are able to take time off or have flexi time, drop down, and ask for wfh. That's how they make it work.

You are far too young to be making this decision. You do sound naive to be believing anything on social media, it’s only the best 5% at most of anyone’s life.

What you want know is not necessarily what you will want in 10 or 15 years time. You may not even be in the same career.

Parenting is both, tbh

I would be really wary of having a baby with someone who doesn’t also want one himself. If he’s doing it ‘for you’ it’s a total recipe for resentment and relationship breakdown.

Babies turn your life completely upside down. I’m still in the first year so I appreciate it may get easier / less intense, but the last 11 months have been the hardest of my life. Absolutely everything - work, hobbies, housekeeping, socialising, sex, downtime, holidays etc - has changed to accommodate the fact that the baby comes first in everything.

If I was dealing with this with someone who felt the baby had been for my benefit, rather than something we both deeply wanted, I think it would have been a disaster. As it is, my relationship has thrived because we have this whole new way to look at and love each other. But will your husband feel the same - will he be happy for you to have this new, life-changing identity of ‘mother’ when he didn’t want children himself?

There is so much joy and love and fun in a baby, but these are moments, and there are as many moments which are hard and boring and exhausting. You truly, truly have to be a team of equals for it to work.

In addition to it being a lot of pressure to decide now, when you really don't need to, there also seems to be an implication that you'll be doing all the heavy lifting with the baby. Would your DH actually step up and parent too so it didn't automatically have a huge knock on your career but none on his?

In my head, I have this fantasy of what motherhood is. Constant smiles, hugs, cute family activities, having a little friend, copious love, it would come naturally etc etc. Basically what media sells to young girls... that instagram mum image.

There’s also plenty on social media that tells you otherwise. You sound a bit naive.
It’s not either/or - it’s a bit of both and the balance depends on the person. Obviously if you genuinely thought it was all roses and sunshine you would be bitterly disappointed and yes you’ll find it very hard - it’s about having realistic expectations. Very few things in life are Instagram perfect and if you haven’t figured that out yet (I’m in my mid- twenties, not that much older than you) then I would give it some time and gain a bit more life experience first.

You have to look at how much work has changed in the past 10-15 years. In 10 years more time who knows what it will look like. I am certainly hopeful that there will be more flexibility, home working, amazing technology to help make it all possible.

You are clearly a capable young woman with a bright future ahead. Please don't feel pushed in to sacrificing your career to have a baby with a man who doesn't want one. You'll only be 40 when it didn't really need you anymore... what will you do with your time without your career? He'll be fine having merrily continued while you've been raising the child he didn't want.

My advice would be to tell him at the age you are you can't possibly make such a decision right now. Focus on your career. Then in 10 years time you can make your decision on whether to be a parent or not. If he can't understand that then I'd be seriously questioning if he's the man for you.

Having my daughter is the best and hardest thing I have ever done. It's made me mature and calmer but then more tired and stressed than I've ever known. The only thing the media sells us about children that I find is generally true is its the all consuming love that gets you through, some days you will of had no sleep, they will be teething the house is a tip and you feel gross and you feel shit but you still absoloutely adore them.
I will agree with what pp have said about your DH, he does need to want to be a Dad. I know my marriage has only been tested since children, before this we were always chilled out and laughing, these days there is less of that, more arguing and less sex etc. But amongst the moments of madness there is a deeper connection that we have each other and now our child.
Also I got pregnant when my daughter was 8 months so I can't hate it that much!!!

I'm just not liking that you're feeling pressure to decide to have a baby right now. I was very broody from a young age but I was absolutely not ready to be a mum until I was in my late 20s. Not that I knew everything about it then, but I reached a point in my life where it was possible. It then eventually happened when I was 34.

Tbh I think your approach to your career is perfectly sensible. Yes women do motherhood and serious careers all the time but yes it's extremely hard work, there's nothing wrong with planning a period of focus on your career!

I would put the pressure back on your dp. You definitely want children or at least a child but not yet. If he wants other things he should walk away but you hope he doesn't as you love him. I'm afraid the fact that he put all the pressure on you indicates that he would consider childrearing to be mostly your responsibility. Some men melt when their children are born and become involved loving fathers. And some don't.

I think your DH could be the issue here. You sound like you might want a child one day, but you probably aren't ready yet. That's pretty normal in your early 20s. Your DH is a lot older than you and has decided that he doesn't want kids at all, but would have one if you do it now. So you feel under pressure to do this on someone else's timeline - someone who is much older than you.

You've got your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with someone who doesn't want the same things that you do?

In regards to motherhood - I absolutely love it. I'm going to start TTC for my third soon. It is very hard work but oh so worth it, in my experience. But I waited until I was in a good place to have kids, which didn't happen until I was almost 30, and also my DH was just as keen as me. I don't think I'd have done it with someone who wasn't "all in". You can't phone it in with parenthood - you really do have to be "all in", or it will be a fucking nightmare

In your situation I wouldn't have a baby yet. But I wouldn't close the door completely. In my 20s I saw career progression in a very linear way. Now I'm mid 30s and I'm more flexible. I might keep chasing promotion or I might set up on my own. You don't have to choose a forever path now.

In answer to your 'how do you cope?' question, I cope because I'm in a team with DH. I can have a night out or a lie in because he takes over. With 2 kids I do less of this than with 1 admittedly. We also share childcare to allow us both to work. I worry your DH won't make any sacrifices, as he will say 'well you wanted the baby'. That will make things tough on you and unfortunately probably lead to resentment.

Don’t have a child with someone who is pressuring you and giving you ultimatums to decide when you’re in your early 20s. And when he doesn’t want one!

I had a baby purely on instinct and wanting. Parts have been extraordinarily hard – the sleep, my god, the sleep – but on the whole it’s plain sailing BUT we’re fairly well off, WFH (so no nursery run stress), have a happy, not-whiney child (pure luck) with no SEN and who likes vegetables and exercise. Nothing’s a battle… yet. It can change at any age.

Newborn to 9m was so difficult I thought I might die, and I cried constantly. Even now I’ve given up lots of things: excelling at work rather than being merely competent; extracurricular work; hobbies; exercise. The two things parenting uses most of are time and money. If you’ve got lots of money, you can buy some time (nannies, outsourcing chores), but not as much as pre-children.

It is a bloody joy though and I want another, BUT I’m on the same page as DP, who wanted and adores our daughter. And never gave me an ultimatum about it.

Don’t have a child with someone who doesn’t want one.

I wouldn't have a baby with your dh because his preference is to not have one. I think you'd be setting yourself up for a hard time as parenting is a lot easier when you work as a team but in your situation, will your dh simply turn round and say 'you deal with it, you're the one who wanted a baby' when you need his help?

I have 2 dc and I don't feel like I've lost myself. I still meet friends, go out, have date nights etc... the spontaneity is gone because I can't just head out without arranging childcare, but other than that I can do whatever I want really because my dh and I take turns to watch the children so the other can do a hobby, go out etc.... and we are lucky to be able to ask family if we want to do something together. This is where parenting as a team really makes stuff like keeping up with friendships, hobbies etc easier. Would you have that with your dh?

The other thing is your age. Honestly if I'd have been made to make a decision about whether or not I wanted kids in my early 20's I'd have chosen not to. But I felt differently in my early 30's hence why I now have two! You have a lot of (all things being equal) fertile years ahead of you. It's a lot of pressure on you to have to decide now when you simply can't account for how you might feel 10 years from now. All your friends are childfree but then so were mine in my early 20's, then as we got to our 30's most have chosen to have children and now I just have 1 close friend who is childfree by choice.

The pressure you're under to make a decision makes me a feel a bit uncomfortable because you do have time on your side. Just keep in mind that feelings change over time and there is nothing wrong with you changing your mind in the future but I think both you and your dh need to be aware of that when making such a big decision at a relatively early age (for you).

You don't sound ready for a baby now and that's fine. You're early 20s and lots of people wouldn't be ready for kids yet, you'll probably have another perspective on things in 10 years time. I think the real issue though is your DH putting pressure on for you to make a decision now. As PP have said I would not have a baby with anyone who wasn't 100% sure. It is hard work and you need to be a team and both ready and wanting the same thing.

Hi OP

I also wanted to say if you decide to have a child your life doesn’t have to end. I still go out and see friends by myself regularly, workout and DH and I have date nights. We’re able to do this because we’re both involved with DD and make time for each other’s needs. We also have a set of grandparents keen to help out (an hour away so more for overnight visits).

I really don’t enjoy motherhood. I love DD but hate being a mum. It is hard giving up total independence but I have tried to hold on what’s important to me. Hopefully if you decide this is what yuu want you can too. Might be harder if your DP doesn’t want a baby. I think it really does need both of you on board. Good luck with everything.

This is not the man to plan having children with. He obviously isn’t that interested in them…

You seem to be thinking of having a baby, but what about a school aged child, parties, friends over, childcare, Holidays, day trips to the seaside, parent evening, teenagers are hard work and worry too. Having a baby to keep me happy would not be enough for me, and I feel you would be a single mum sooner or later with him or without

My gut feeling on this is that you will decide not to have kids your DH will get a vasectomy and in years to come you’ll change your mind and your marriage will break down.

I wouldn’t have a child with a man who was only doing it to make me happy. About 99% of the labour will fall to you and you will undoubtedly get the line ‘well I didn’t even want a child’

I wasn’t sure I wanted kids because the man I was with didn’t want them so I really questioned myself and looked critically at motherhood. Like you, I felt that having no time to myself would be the hardest bit. Fast forward a few years, I met someone who wanted kids too and I’m happy I went for it. Not having time to myself is hard for me, but not as hard as expected. My husband is not super ‘hands on’ but helps out so I can shower by myself every day and cook dinner without interruption if necessary, which really helps. I think it’s fine to know what your limits are in terms of balance. I’ve pretty much always felt the same in that I also prefer to focus mainly on one thing than spreading myself too thinly. I love being a mum. It’s a big change but for me seems so natural in the sense that once the child is there your world revolves around them because you love them, and the changes to your life seem natural and necessary. Weird example but if your kid loves tractors, you are suddenly genuinely excited about going to see a tractor, rather than getting exited about going shopping or to a gallery or whatever. Your priorities change to match your new world. So it’s not as hard as you’d imagine in that sense.
I think you do need to think seriously about where your husband is coming from with this. Does he understand that you having a child ‘because you want one’ rather than because he also does, will change his life and he will have to be 100% committed? He will seriously take a back seat in your priorities and it’ll be so much harder if he isn’t supporting you.

I have to agree with pps. If you want a child now l, you'll know. Since you are weighing things up I'd say you aren't ready.
I had my first child at 22 and I had that deep biological urge to have that child. It's also worth considering how you would do with a disabled child as mine was born prematurely and now has mild but difficult issues that have consumed the last 5 years of our lives.
Whomever you decide to have children with needs to be 100% on board as well as pregnancy, childbirth and then bringing up the child is hard.
We've had a rough time of it with life threatening illnesses, prematurity, difficult pregnancies, disability and multiple losses but my husband has been right by my side through it all and its changed us as people.
My story is a bit extreme but do you think your husband would stay if things got difficult?

One child is manageable without too much grief, more than that not.
I was lucky with DS as single parent we went travelling, camping all over the place and he just looked out from his sling or pushchair happy as anything, used to go to town on the bus and he's just look at everything totally chilled, hardly ever cried.
He is the same as an adult and I wouldn't be without him.
But it's a total tie, you need to be organised and if you had a high needs baby your life would be turned upside down.

Hi OP, you sound like an intelligent woman and it's great that you're giving so much careful thought to this.

There's nothing wrong with having babies when you're youngish, but it is a problem if you're feeling pressured to make a decision now when you're not ready to do so. You say that it's not really coming from DH, as you'd want to have babies young anyway - are you sure that's really the case? The right answer may still be "I don't know" for some while yet.

There's also nothing wrong with making career decisions with half an eye on whether you may get pregnant in the next few years... but don't give up a career you love!

It does seem sad to have babies with someone who doesn't really want them himself. Do you think that if you went ahead he would be fully on board, eg sharing the nappy changes and night wakings, giving each other time away from the baby? Or would he see all that as your job because "you were the one who wanted a baby in the first place"? Definitely worth having that conversation in advance! Good support from a partner is one of the things that can be the deciding factor between enjoying motherhood and feeling overwhelmed.

As you said in your OP: parenting is hard but you will love your kids, whether you consider it worth it or not depends on the individual. This is exactly right. That's why it's hard for anyone to advise you -there are women who regret having a baby and there are women who regret not having one.

It was easy for me because I was one of those women who always knew I wanted kids. And it has been mainly joyful (but hard work!).

Also, if its so hard how do us women cope with/want more than one? - for me the hard work didn't put me off - I knew that was part of the package, and was willing to accept it as the price to pay. Also, after the first one your life has changed so much (in terms of free time etc) that in a way you think you may as well have another one as the big change has already happened (although it is more tiring to have 2/3).

My husband is not super ‘hands on’ but helps out so I can shower by myself every day and cook dinner without interruption if necessary, which really helps.
Fuuuuuuck, raise your bar! He’s not helping out, showering daily is lowest common denominator – presumably he gets to do that too? – and cooking dinner is a household chore.