I'm confused about motherhood and I dont know if I could cope - help

[unsurepanix]

Hi Ladies,

first and foremost thanks for being the most informative place online that I've found in trying to make my decision to become a mum or not... I'll try keep it short!

I am earlyish twenties and my DH is 31 years old. I am thinking about having one child but he wants none ideally. Before we got married, he said that if I choose to have one child he will support me as long as it makes me happy. But he wants me to decide soon. His reason being that a lot of our life choices/career paths is going to be determined by whether I have a child or not. He wants a vasectomy as I cant do BC. I understand where he is coming from and he has been waiting for over a year for my answer and I just finished an important exam so I think my time has come. For me too I need to decide as the career path I want would never accommodate for potential issues with my child or me being a mother

In my head, I have this fantasy of what motherhood is. Constant smiles, hugs, cute family activities, having a little friend, copious love, it would come naturally etc etc. Basically what media sells to young girls... that instagram mum image. It wasn't until recently that I woke up. my mother and her friends were having a dinner party which I attended. They started talking about having kids and went on and on about how hard it is -- sleepless nights, monotony, stress, baby crying, mother crying, screaming, very little freedom etc etc.

I asked my mother and she told me having a child turns your life upside down, its a new life in itself. And I am an only child and was raised with the help of her sister, two cousins and mother. she said its hard with moments of joy but overall it is a taxing thing. I looked into it here and from some reliable sources on being a parent and it seems the same message: parenting is hard but you will love your kids, whether you consider it worth it or not depends on the individual.

thing is for me, I want to be a mum but I dont think I could deal with the total loss of autonomy, hobbies and no free time. I have a lot of energy but I also need to be left alone. my relationship with DH is v important and all his friends with kids tell me that will turn into being parents solely. I want to be a mum but I am scared the reality will pile up and I will crumble?

most of my friends are childfree and simply tell me not to do it, but I dont take their opinion to seriously as they just find parenting a waste of time but I can see myself as one.

I'm so ridiculously confused as every time I see a cute Facebook post with kids, I get politely reminded that was a snapshot in time. I think I've seen/heard so much romanticised stuff on motherhood that when someone removes their filter it just scares me now.

does anyone have any advice on my situation? did anyone feel the same?

also, if its so hard how do us women cope with/want more than one?

thanks!

Regardless of anything you have written you aren't ready now and you've got 15 years to decide.

You can't plan for every eventuality.

oh no ive written the tv show wrong, its not motherhood its motherland!

@hotmeatymilk

My husband is not super ‘hands on’ but helps out so I can shower by myself every day and cook dinner without interruption if necessary, which really helps. Fuuuuuuck, raise your bar! He’s not helping out, showering daily is lowest common denominator – presumably he gets to do that too? – and cooking dinner is a household chore.

Yes, I think showering is a basic, which is why I shower in private every single day, but I see everywhere on social media etc women complaining that they haven’t had a shower / eaten a meal / drank a hot drink, so actually I think he’s not such a loser for effectively giving me 30-45 mins+ to myself every day as a given. Also he would cook dinner, but frankly I’m glad to have something to do by myself for a while with no small person around…. I realise it did sound like the bar was pretty low. I chose to cut my hours dramatically and take on more of the parenting and it works for us

@unsurepanix Sounds like you’re a medical student? Higher specialist training (registrar training) is the best time to have kids, as a female doctor. Guaranteed LTFT training, you’re in a five year training programme so no job applications, and you should have most of your exams out of the way.

Foundation/IMT is a terrible time to have kids, because you are trying to pass exams and apply for jobs. All of which would be a nightmare with small children. Strongly advise against having them until you are through that phase.

It’s extremely easy to have school-age kids as a consultant - actually taking mat leave is harder, but most female consultants (both surgeons and physicians) have kids.

Well hers my two penneth

DH does not want kids and also does not want to be bothered with condoms.

You do want kids but are struggling to articulate why because you feel you need to explain yourself logically to DH (who you respect) and well let’s face it kids are about biology and emotion NOT logic

You have been given an emotional deadline to work to (by someone who does not respect your needs?) as let’s face it the logical thing is use condoms for 20 years as that’s really how long you have to decide!

By which time your career will be set up and you will know exactly what resources you have to devote to your children.

While I don’t believe you can have everything in this world of compromises I do believe you can be fulfilled in work and parenting at the same time with a supportive life PARTNER.

None of this stops him having the snip as his sperm could go on ice for you later if that is what he really wants!

I think you (probably along with many people of your age) come across as super disengaged from the reality of having children. Your ideas are very polar; either rose colour or overly bleak.
Your background of being an only child whose mother had a lot of support also makes you less confident.
I think it’s really difficult for someone in your position to know yourself well enough to decide ahead of time if ‘motherhood is for me’ or whether to ‘give it a pass’

Like others i’d also say you seem to think you can plan everything, but you have to adapt to what life chucks at you.

I’d definitely take every chance you can to spend with children. Any children in your wider family or friend network, make the effort to spend time with those families, maybe offer to babysit or take to park once you know the kid well enough.

I was very engaged with kids as a teen and it really helped my transition to parenthood in my mid twenties. I didn’t really experience it as a terrible shock to the system as others describe.

You know what though, I just find it really weird that somebody would decide to ‘give motherhood a pass’. Like people were passing a bottle of whisky round, you might give that a pass, but you know the option to take a swig will come by again later... Motherhood is a big thing to say ‘i’ll pass on that’ in your early 20’s.
Plus I think nobody was ‘cut out’ to be a parent. A parent is what you develop into when there are children to be cared for. You may become a better or worse one it’s true, but that depends on a multitude of factors you won’t always have control over.

@unsurepanix you really don't have to decide now, I've just had my 2nd baby at 34 - probably 10 years on from where you are right now. DH and I met 10 years ago too, there is no rush.

And tbh, everyone jokingly says 'don't have kids' but honestly I'd not change them for the world, yes there's a few years of losing yourself - but I never stopped working FT, nor has DH, we are in senior positions with flexibility allowing us to all have dinner together and weekends together and 2 holidays a year and the kids fit into that lifestyle. We have 0 family help, it's us and our little unit - but a strong relationship is needed - DS1 almost drove us to breaking up, we were so exhausted, if we didn't have that foundation I can't imagine we'd have come out of the other side.

Personally I think that only people that really want children should have them. End of.
It is a huge commitment and responsibility. You may have the easiest child in the world, or you may have a very challenging child, as was my case with DS1 who has special needs with challenging behaviour.
Either way, you need to be sure that you will have the energy and time to deal with wherever comes your way. Otherwise it’s not fair on the child.
My DH has been my rock and without a supportive partner I really wouldn’t recommend parenthood to anyone.

I did not want children in my 20’s. I thought I probably would in my 30’s. My husband & I had 10 happy, childfree years together. We worked hard, played hard. Had lovely holidays.

I was 29 when I decided I was ready. We now have two children and we are 34. I’m a completely different person age 34 to 24.

I’m baffled why your husband is pushing you into this decision at such a young age. Why does he need a vasectomy at 31?! He’s still young as well, what if he changes his mind in 5 years time?! Use condoms, it’s not hard. Or you could get a copper coil? No hormones? I had one for 8 years, zero babies.

I think it’s silly to say yes or no right now. Live life. See how you feel later on. You can’t predict what will happen in the future. You just can’t.

Motherhood is wonderful. Hard sometimes, exhausting for sure. But nothing gives me more happiness & joy than my girls. Life is brilliant with them in it. I don’t care that I have less time for me because they are so important & I love them so much!

@Changechangychange nope, was in investment banking and have done quant research! but yeah know quite a few female consultants and most of them have kids... some of their kids are quite young so I think they had kids late as theyre the same age as my mum (52).
@SleepQuest33
mum said the same thing as you. she said you should REALLY want kids and not do it for the sake of it or if you have even an atom of doubt. completely disgrees to gamble it and it is a major life change which could be life long depending on the child... said if not certain more likely to not take well to the hardships.

@Bobholll how did you find the transition from childless to motherhood?

I think we are going to look into sperm or embryo freezing etc first. Husband is on board with that and happy. apologised for pressuring me and said I can forget it for a few years and then decide.
aunt said other than pressure to decide, a lot of my anxiety comes from everyone else being in either camp already. I think its unfair to say age is a factor in deciding as some men and women have kids v early after thinking it through and are content with their choice. likewise, I have friends who want a child before 30 and those who never want them at all. some may change their minds but I doubt it as they have solid reasons and lifestyle preferences. im just naive to that aspect of life.
me personally: I think I'd be a good mother and would love my kids. the hardships and the reality in terms of the daily grind (especially when theyre 6 and under) have surprised me quite a lot, but at least I know now. this post was not so much a 'will I possibly change my mind when im older' but was more made in the shock of what I know now and wanted to hear other ladies' thoughts/experiences. but seriously have a lot more understanding and appreciation for mothers than I had . although I do have a strong maternal side, im now 60/40. and that's okay now because I have a much larger time frame to decide and so does he. if I do go for it in the future I will definitely go for it with thorough thought based on what I've learnt now and will learn over the next few years and also seeing my close girl friends becoming mums.