I'm confused about motherhood and I dont know if I could cope - help

[unsurepanix]

Hi Ladies,

first and foremost thanks for being the most informative place online that I've found in trying to make my decision to become a mum or not... I'll try keep it short!

I am earlyish twenties and my DH is 31 years old. I am thinking about having one child but he wants none ideally. Before we got married, he said that if I choose to have one child he will support me as long as it makes me happy. But he wants me to decide soon. His reason being that a lot of our life choices/career paths is going to be determined by whether I have a child or not. He wants a vasectomy as I cant do BC. I understand where he is coming from and he has been waiting for over a year for my answer and I just finished an important exam so I think my time has come. For me too I need to decide as the career path I want would never accommodate for potential issues with my child or me being a mother

In my head, I have this fantasy of what motherhood is. Constant smiles, hugs, cute family activities, having a little friend, copious love, it would come naturally etc etc. Basically what media sells to young girls... that instagram mum image. It wasn't until recently that I woke up. my mother and her friends were having a dinner party which I attended. They started talking about having kids and went on and on about how hard it is -- sleepless nights, monotony, stress, baby crying, mother crying, screaming, very little freedom etc etc.

I asked my mother and she told me having a child turns your life upside down, its a new life in itself. And I am an only child and was raised with the help of her sister, two cousins and mother. she said its hard with moments of joy but overall it is a taxing thing. I looked into it here and from some reliable sources on being a parent and it seems the same message: parenting is hard but you will love your kids, whether you consider it worth it or not depends on the individual.

thing is for me, I want to be a mum but I dont think I could deal with the total loss of autonomy, hobbies and no free time. I have a lot of energy but I also need to be left alone. my relationship with DH is v important and all his friends with kids tell me that will turn into being parents solely. I want to be a mum but I am scared the reality will pile up and I will crumble?

most of my friends are childfree and simply tell me not to do it, but I dont take their opinion to seriously as they just find parenting a waste of time but I can see myself as one.

I'm so ridiculously confused as every time I see a cute Facebook post with kids, I get politely reminded that was a snapshot in time. I think I've seen/heard so much romanticised stuff on motherhood that when someone removes their filter it just scares me now.

does anyone have any advice on my situation? did anyone feel the same?

also, if its so hard how do us women cope with/want more than one?

thanks!

Do NOT have a child with a man who doesn't want one. You will end up with no support, you'll resent him and hate your life. Particularly if you want a career as well - you need to both be on the same page and share the burden to enable you to both work. It won't happen if he won't help.

You're very young. He has no right to tell you when to have a child - it's your body, your life, and ultimately your responsibility. What if you desperately want a child in 10 years? I went from not that bothered to obsessed at around 32.

You can do both. I assume there are women with children in your career path? It's hard work, but children aren't little forever and you need a job to sustain and interest you when they've left home. If you are heading for a professional career you will need something to occupy your mind, childcare is monotonous and easy to lose yourself in.

I also need a lot of time alone and hate being touched out. You have to find time to be alone - I get up early or stay up late. I get less sleep but my brain is rested.

Ultimately I don't think your husband is the man for you. However, it may take you a few years to realise that.

Oh God no please don't have a child with a man who doesn't want one but will condescend to have one with you "to make you happy" like he's doing you a favour! Can imagine what will happen when the child arrives? He'll forgo any parenting responsibilities (nappy changes, nighttime feeds, etc) and trot out the old "Well you were the one who wanted a baby..."

Nope just nope. Get out of this relationship now.

[quote unsurepanix]@Animood
nope, I dont think so.
And the career path I want to take requires A LOT of hours for a good few years before you get to a good position, which for me would probably be late twenties or early thirties. after that, I dont want to just forsake my work as its difficult for females to succeed in that sector. If I chose to have a child, I'd take an overall easier career in a similar sector.

no clue to your last question![/quote]
OP, what a lot of women do in my industry (law) which is similar is work hard, long hours in their 20s and early 30s to get as far up the ladder as possible. Then when they have children in early, mid, late 30s, early 40s, they have more seniority and bargaining power.

That's what I did and it's paid off. I also did lots of traveling, had loads of fun so didn't have any regrets about what I was missing out on when I had children.

It sounds like you're not ready at the moment but don't get forced into making a firm decision now by your husband. That's not fair.

I also agree when the posters who said not to have a child with someone who doesn't want one. It will all be on you and your choice could be thrown back at you every time something is hard or you need him for something.

So if you decide not to have a child now but change your mind in 5-10 years but he's had a vasectomy and won't try to have it reversed. I wonder how that will feel for you? You won't know until it happens and you might just be able to accept that. You might also be consumed with resentment about this choice being taken away from you.

You're very young and sound quite naive and I'm wondering why you have started your married life with such different life goals to your husband.
What's he like generally? Is he a nice guy, does he treat you well. I ask because this seems cruel and unkind.

My husband is not super ‘hands on’ but helps out so I can shower by myself every day and cook dinner without interruption if necessary, which really helps.

Did you actually write that with a straight face?

Have children. But not with him.

I agree that you should have children - reading between the lines, you DO want them - but definitely not now.

I work in a highly skilled, highly pressured, traditionally male dominated profession with long hours etc etc. I've just had my first child in my mid thirties, and because having put in more than a decade of hard graft and specialisation etc I've been able to do that and still remain in a strong position career wise.

I was able to spend my twenties and early thirties living it up, travelling, socialising etc and now I'm in the right place to devote more of my time and myself to having children with resenting the loss of freedom/self focus that I was able to have before.

Pregnancy, childbirth, newborn days etc are hard - sometimes really hard - but to me have been more than worth it. I was never the most maternal person before, but I am so so glad I had my daughter.

However that is hugely down to having a brilliant and massively supportive and involved husband, who wanted to be a dad. He has fully shared the load in terms of responsibility, running the house, and sleepless nights and that has made all the difference.

I think you should probably have children, but from what you have said, not now, and honestly, REALLY, not with your husband - I'm sorry as I appreciate that's not what you want to hear.

*without resenting!!

@unsurepanix

see that's how I am approaching the situation - I'm removing him from the picture and trying to make the decision for myself and what makes me happy as I am aware he can always walk out. if I was with a man who wanted kids I'd be asking myself the same questions (as it turns out they often walk out too). the only difference is I have less time but not by much as if I want a baby it would be around now anyway as I'd want to give birth earlier on in life. *@Megan2018* do you think with another man I would be okay or I should give it a pass? *@Winceybincey* thanks for your input. I can see what you're saying and it echoes some of what I heard anyway. I feel like my friends who want or even have kids are struggling in that a lot of men dont want to help it seems, or want kids (at least around us/our age group that is). congrats on your second! just out of curiosity what made you have a second whilst having a toddler it sounds so exhausting? Ideally in my head I wanted two/three but I dont think I could handle one in reality lol

It was an accident and I was horrified when I saw the test result 🤣 but yeah, it’s hard hard work but I just think to myself that’s it’s done in one go and now hubby can go get the snip x

You should absolutely not be thinking about having a baby with this man who doesn't want children

Since he doesn't want a baby ?will he just leave you to do all the parenting (so you'd essentially be a single parent) and then when it's hard (which it will be - even more so if you're doing it all) he will just be like "well I told you I didn't want one" ?! How would that work ?

Having a baby is completely life changing. It sounds like you may want a baby in future and there's no reason why you can't do it when you're ready - but it is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - the most amazing too - but the amount of support I've needed too has been huge and I don't know how I would have coped without that

Motherhood is HARD I’ve found. It’s also beautiful and full of the most magical precious moments I’ve ever experienced, and the love you have for them is unreal - I truly would give my life for either of theirs without a thought.

One thing I would suggest considering though is can you afford a baby on your own? Do a budget, assume no help from the father, can you make it work? I had a rock solid marriage before kids, they’re now 3 and I think he’s leaving me. I’m a sahm and pretty fucked! Can’t send them back obviously, but I didn’t do this before I had them because we were going to be together forever you see… some men turn into arseholes once you’re pregnant, or time warp back to cave man times.

Figure out the money.

Don't have a baby with him and if I was you I'd end the relationship. You're really young...you'd be far better off meeting a man who wants the same thing as you. If you have a baby with him, you'll have a miserable time and probably end up doing everything yourself.

Having a child is all those things. Some days it’s more joy and others drudge and others a mixture. i imagine it’s also v different when your kids are babies vs teens vs adults. I’ve just had my second and right now it’s a lot easier, but that’s impossible to predict.

One thing I can say for certain is, in my personal experience, I could not have done it without a partner who was 100% committed and on side. Doing it for you will cause an imbalance and resentment on both sides. I also think it’s unfair and ridiculous to expect you to know what you want right now. I felt v differently in my early 30s to my early 20s.

Honestly don’t think this one is a keeper.

Oh do yourself a favour and put him in the bin now. What a tosser. You can absolutely do better than this bloke.

I wouldn't have known either way in my 20s and like all my friends we worked bloody hard, partied hard, travelled loads. It was great. Hit my mid 30s and suddenly wanted a baby, it is also great.

I dont think it would work having a child with someone who didnt want one, that would be complete disaster.
You are too young to be thinking about it, there is no need to choose career or child.
It makes no sense for the time pressure on you, you have years to see if you want that. You will be a very different person in 10 years time.
Motherhood is extremely hard and extremely fun. But it is a complete change of lifestyle. Maybe watch 'motherhood' its fantastic and will show you what its like, I think its on iplayer.
Social media is nonsense, dont look at it.

In fact Im really annoyed at your DH for you. You say he would support you as long as it made you happy? What if you suffered with post natal depression - would he be supporting you and his child then? Life is not just happy, having a child is a wirlwind of happy and chaos and dispair and joy, its an emotional whirlwind or huge ups and huge downs, and he would need to support you through some pretty awful times tbh.

OP wait 10 years and then decide.

A child has a habit of turning up.

No matter how careful you are with birth control it is not 100 per cent safe.

And you say you 'don't do' birth control?

Something a bit off there in your self-awareness isn't there?

Having a child is the hardest thing I've ever done but easily the best thing I've ever done 😂 op your current situation sounds a tad complicated, it seems there's a lot of pressure on deciding to have kids now and if you don't say yes now then it's forever off the table, seems a bit rigid to me. It would put me off my partner only have a child as I wanted one and to keep me happy. Are you sure he's defo on board with kids? X

Do you know what I’d do OP? I’d book a few sessions of talking therapy for yourself. You don’t have to have a specific mental health issue to find it helpful to talk things through with a psychotherapist. Be prepared to take a bit of time to find someone who is a good fit for you.

Use that time to learn more about yourself and how you think. It’s impossible to say from a few posts on here but you’ll see a few people have commented that you seem like a planner, someone who wants the future to be predictable, maybe a little fixed in your outlook. Maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not but it can be good to explore where our approach to making big life decisions comes from.

Plus it’s often when we have a child or are thinking about having a child that we think about the ideas we received from our parents. Philippa Perry is very good on this.

In the meantime if your partner is pressuring you to make a decision before you’re ready then that suggests that this may not be the right partnership or you need to work through some things together.

My twopence, for what it’s worth, is that life - careers, children, family - just doesn’t go according to plan. Ever. Which is great because life is surprising but it’s hard because it’s unpredictable. I worked hard for my career and now I’m looking at a career change because my sector has changed so much. My DH has developed a life changing condition in his 30s that no one could have predicted.
I have one child and I’m expecting another (after a traumatic loss). Parenting has been incredibly hard but it has made me a better, happier person (not saying at all that people have to be parents for this to happen - this is entirely personal and I feel very fortunate to have had the chance to have children).

In a nutshell, find out more about yourself and how you think. Give yourself time.

An awful lot of men just want a relationship and see kids, and marriage, as a concession to maintain that relationship and what is expected of them but if they are being totally honest, they really don't want any of it.

I would say that if you've always seen yourself as eventually having a child, then you do want kids. I've heard the saying 'you only regret the children you didn't have' said many times, and I do believe this.

HOWEVER

Your DH clearly isn't all in with having children, and honestly, that's not okay. Don't actively bring a child into a relationship where one parent isn't actually sure they want that kid. Also, you cannot make such a big decision (i.e. whether to have a baby) in such a short time-frame and on your own. It's a joint decision, meaning he needs to be all in too. You need time to make that decision and go for a baby when it feels right for you - not just because DH says you need to do it ASAP. That's not an adult or reasonable way to approach such big, life changing decisions and milestones!

Motherhood is HARD. I had my first late twenties, and DS1 was so so so wanted by me and DH, but it was a bloody shock to our systems just how difficult it was. Our life was totally different overnight and it took me a while to mourn that old life and accept my new life... and a bit longer to begin to love my new life. We ummed and ahhed about whether to have a second for quite a few years, as the first baby felt so difficult and I didn't know if I really wanted to go through it all again! Anyway, we did and I will be forever grateful we made that choice as DS2 has completed our family and been the most wonderful addition. So I really do believe you regret the children you don't have!

This is a really really hard situation to be in. I always had the urge to be a mother, it was never a question for me whether I wanted kids or not. I think your too young to make a life long commitment either way right now.

I had my first very much planned child at 23. My husband only wanted one child with me (agreed for my sake mainly as he already had two children from a previous marriage. He was fully supportive but would have been happy either way).
At 29 I realised how important a second was to me even though Id agreed from day 1 of our relationship that I would be happy with one. We did decide to have a second. How would this effect your relationship if you felt the need for a second?

I feel like my experience as a mother as 29 was totally different to at 23. I made some quite different parenting choices. Both times were harder and easier in different ways. Some down to me having more life experience, some due to the actual baby / toddler.

I absolutely love both my children but I do often wonder what it would have been like to have them closer together, how differently our life would have been if I had had them both earlier or later or indeed only had the one we originally planned.

@beigebrownblue

A child has a habit of turning up.

No matter how careful you are with birth control it is not 100 per cent safe.

And you say you 'don't do' birth control?

Something a bit off there in your self-awareness isn't there?

OP didn't say that she doesn't do BC, she said she can't do BC which I took to mean she can't take the pill or anything like that which a lot of women can't. No point being snipy when she hasn't said why she can't do BC. For all we know her DH is using condoms which is why he is pushing for a vasectomy.

@MuchTooTired im so sorry to hear that you guys are splitting up!
@Pyewackect this is my observation. for every person who has an amazing`partner - there are like many who don't. I talk about how I lived in a bit of a fantasy but the guys I know who want kids are much worse (one didnt even know babies require night feeding - I was like wtf). I have seen so many men who claim they wanted to be fathers take a complete backseat after the kids were born. most of them are still together but you can totally see the men - when reality hit - regret their choice. some begrudgingly take the kids to the park etc but that's it. I know if I have a child - with whoever - im taking a high probability that I could be in it alone. my mum's friend's daughter's BF was there for her through miscarriages and was equally heartbroken, was desperate to be a dad. she has a 7 month old now and he wants to leave. there are some awful men in my family who just had kids for the 'wife and kids' label. mine knows the reality, at least but is willing to do it.
@TumtumTree yes I think a lot of people are mistaking a rushed decision purely because of him. but if I'm honest, I want to know for myself. I feel like whilst you regret that which you dont do, that doesnt apply for kids, pets and things of that nature as they are work/sacrifice. I feel physically Id want them young but mentally... no. I get that in '10 years' I may change my mind but its not about changing my mind that I'm talking about. motherhood it turns out has a lot of work, sleepless nights and all the rest and I want to make an informed decision of whether its right for me in general. I'd be here asking the same question in 10 years, im just asking it now for my own knowledge. I know I want kids but if the reality is as harsh as it sounds, I think I may give it a pass and volunteer with orphans etc to get my maternal side in use. I'm a planner when it comes to big things like this and dont want to take it lightly, nor do I want to reach my thirties and be like 'okay ill do it now'. I've read countless regret posts of women who have done that so im glad im doing my research.

to answer multiple pps I think I painted him poorly but he's not a bad guy at all. just finished intense postgrad and was a nightmare to him but he did almost all the housework, didnt wait for me to come home and do it and didnt complain once. he's a fence sitter - not a solid no (that's why in my OP I wrote 'ideally'). but then again so am I , but leaning toward yes. his 'no' comes from his friends, brother and sister telling him not to do it (they have kids, love them, hate the lifestyle all 30-45 years old). he also agrees with some of my CF friend's points and is probably as confused as I am. Yet, he also sees mine for having one and agrees. I have already asked him if he'd pull his weight and he said he would do it. I do believe him as he has no reason to lie since he can leave AND he knows I would leave him even with a child.
will talk to him, my mother, my aunt (psychiatrist) and read up and give a response mid-week. thanks for all the replies, will read again and come up with decision.