Help me grow a spine with my 3 y/o, he rules us

[Youdonthavetobegood]

Help!

Somehow I've turned into the sort of submissive parent that I always scorned pre-child.

I'm so flipping exhausted looking after our just turned 3 y/o that I'm worried I'm letting way too many things slide for an easier life. I want him to do nice normal things like eat at the table, not whinge for ice cream all the time. But I say no in all the usual ways (got the books on how to get little kids to listen etc). But his will is just so iron clad that I end up capitulating, or at least giving in to some of his demands (eg a win at the moment is 'negotiating' him down to just one ice cream a day...)

Don't worry, I know I'm on the track to raising a brat. I don't want that, but how can I get him to listen and respect me, in a way that doesn't make me lose the will to live all day long, with his constant tantrumming? And they ARE long days....

The only way he'll respect what you say is if you stand by and follow through what you say

No means no

If you're rewarding good behaviour, instead of giving him an ice cream, say something like, "I am so pleased with you doing this I think you deserve a reward. Would you like to play x with me for ten minutes or watch x on tv". - whatever works for you

Posted too soon....

If you don't hold your ground your ds will learn that if he keeps pestering you will give in. I've 3 ds's and one thing I occasionally get off them is a complaint that the bag of sweets is too small. So I explain that that bag is enough for anyone, and if it's not enough they'll have none

You have to stand your ground op. Reward good behaviour, don't bribe. There's no easy way around it unfortunately

You're bigger than him! If you say no what's the worst he can do? Leave him to scream it out and he'll eventually realise he is fighting with himself.

Stop buying ice creams , etc. If it isn't in the house he can't tantrum for it

Watching this thread with hope of getting some good ideas for dealing with my just turned three year old who is exactly the same. Sometimes he's a total delight, but other days it's tantrums from the second he wakes up!

Your win of one ice cream is his win of one ice cream. So next time you say no, he knows he can get an ice cream if he just wears you down.
You're going to have to tough it out and be firm and consistent. And pick where and when you have the battles if you possibly can.

I know you know this, OP, but the only way is to say yes or no to whatever the demand is, or tell him that consequence x will follow behaviour y, and then follow through every single time. Otherwise he's learning that he can nag or tantrum to make you change your mind.

In my case, I was quite relaxed with my toddlers and not as strict as some. But when I said no, I meant it. End of story.

Pick your battles.
One excellent piece of advice I had was, if you're going to give in, do so early otherwise you are training your child that persisting with moaning and whining gets you there in the end.
You do need to be firm though. Signpost what's happening next, see the funny side of things and make sure they get lots of fresh air and exercise every day!

Yes I know you're right. I start each new week with good and authoritative intentions, but it gets to afternoon and frankly I'm so tired of him alternating between tantrums and asking 'why' thirty times a minute, that I just give in. I've never met any one who is so bloody minded as that kid!

Ok, no means no. No treats in the house. Let him tantrum it out. Right. A new leaf! God I'm so bloody tired.

Also thanks for the solidarity. It's hard not to feel like the world's most useless parent daily

Yes, you have to follow through. Don't make pointless or empty threats, keep consequences natural and immediate.

What do you do for punishments? Naughty step? Send him to his room?

Does he go to nursery/daycare? It might at least give you a bit of a break. They learn a lot about sharing and turn taking there too.

Ds reduced me to tears when he was 3 if that helps? :)

I think you really have to work on being a playful parent with this age. I always tried to make DD laugh which was very helpful at redirecting behaviour and we rarely clashed or had conflict. So 'why' would get a sensible answer first time and increasingly silly ones afterwards and then the focus shifted onto the game of silly answers rather than the thing she was asking about iyswim

It’s short term pain for long term gain OP. It’ll be a nightmare while you initially put your foot down, but then he’ll realise you mean it and will start to reduce the tantrums because they aren’t getting him anywhere.

We would all be exhausted if a three year old was running our lives!

It’s your job to bring him up so that he knows how the world works and how he needs to behave to live in the world. He’s going to be very confused when he goes to school and he has to hang up his own coat and and he can’t do what he wants all of the time. It’s just not fair on him to give him an altered sense of reality like this.

I used to read a book when mine had a tantrum. Whipped it out of my bag in the middle of aisle three of the supermarket. You don’t have to negotiate with them to stop.

You could try deflection.

“I’m hungry”
That’s great, I’ll start making lunch in ten minutes. While I make lunch you can put your Trains back in the red box because we are going to the park later.

“I want an ice cream.”
You would like an ice cream? Me too, let’s go for one after we’ve been for a walk on Sunday. Which flavour are you going to choose? I’m going to either have strawberry or squashed spider flavour. I can’t decide.

Why? Because I'm the adult and I've said no.
Ok, that's easy to say, but honestly OP all you've taught him is to keep playing up for as long as it takes to get you to give in. It's going to mean one really tough week for you while your DS learns to adjust his expectations, but once they know no means no, they quickly drop the tantrums. You can do this!

I found it helped to frame it in my head as DC learning boundaries and that they couldn’t nag mum into submission, rather than a tantrum. And reminding myself that they were cross, not distressed.

At age 3. I’d go for distraction or silliness if at all possible. But they do need to be told no, get cross, find that they still don’t get what they want, and have a calming down cuddle sometimes.

FWIW, DS was lovely when he was 2 - he had worked out that being lovely was a good way to get his way. hen at 3 he started training fr being a teenager. at 12 he's still in training, but I really recognise the bloody-minded child. He won't do something just because you so no, but if he clicks someone (parent, teacher) wants him to do something, that's often enough to get him to do something different. Watching for good suggestions!

I'm also here in the hope of learning some strategy to rein in my 3yo. Behaviour goes from her being delightful to an absolute irrational screamathon.

So punishments are mainly - he thwacks the dog with his Lego, I say no and take the Lego off him. That kind of thing. Is that enough or does he need more consequences? It doesn't seem wildly bothered, eg yesterday was fairly unmoved when I said we were leaving soft play when he pushed another kid over (twice after a warning).
Bloody hell. My naturally laid back persona is not helping me right now

*he

Question:

When a 3yo gets upset at us for 'ruining everything!' do we bring ourselves down to eye contact at their level and try to talk it through (seems to make tantrum last longer!) or just walk out of the room for them to sort themselves out?

Never know whether to be the 'understanding' parent or the one who just ignores the bad behaviour in the hope that they'd eventually realise that tantrums get you nowhere.

Oh OP. I hear you.. same scenarios happen here.