Help me grow a spine with my 3 y/o, he rules us

[Youdonthavetobegood]

Help!

Somehow I've turned into the sort of submissive parent that I always scorned pre-child.

I'm so flipping exhausted looking after our just turned 3 y/o that I'm worried I'm letting way too many things slide for an easier life. I want him to do nice normal things like eat at the table, not whinge for ice cream all the time. But I say no in all the usual ways (got the books on how to get little kids to listen etc). But his will is just so iron clad that I end up capitulating, or at least giving in to some of his demands (eg a win at the moment is 'negotiating' him down to just one ice cream a day...)

Don't worry, I know I'm on the track to raising a brat. I don't want that, but how can I get him to listen and respect me, in a way that doesn't make me lose the will to live all day long, with his constant tantrumming? And they ARE long days....

The trouble is it’s a viscous circle because he whines and you feel worn down - but that’s because you’ve taught him it’ll work. So he’ll continue to do it and you’ll continue to feel exhausted by him. I mean this kindly but just stop giving in all the time. One of my friends has a child like this and it’s infuriating to watch - she cannot be firm with him at all and he completely rules her. Constant empty threats and he basically laughs in her face because he knows she’ll never carry it out. He’s 6 now and is an awful child to be around. I make excuses not to see them because it’s intolerable and he’s so badly behaved. So I guess think about how it’s going to affect other people as well as he grows up? Family, friends, his teachers, other kids in his class…. Children who have no boundaries are not pleasant for other people to be around.

I honestly mean it kindly but you need to toughen up. It’s not about being mean or saying no to everything, but it’s about your kids respecting you and knowing you’re in charge. My kids get plenty of treats and nice things but they know the boundaries and no means no. They don’t bother nagging or whining because it’ll get them nowhere and I’ll just send them to their room if they carry on so they can stop annoying everyone else!

It's fucking exhausting op. But no, there aren't any shortcuts other than keeping your word.

A pp said try to say yes, and I think that does hold true quite a bit of the time - try to think before you say no, because when you say no you MUST stick to it and half an hour in you may well be thinking it would have been a hell of a lot less hassle just to stay at the playpark a bit longer.

When they're older you can change your mind and tell them why, but at 3 your word must be your bond.

Boundaries are good and make small children feel secure. The alternative is natural consequences, but the natural consequence of unlimited ice-cream and no rules is a sick unhappy, unhealthy child whose been bitten by the dog and thumped in the face by an older brother at soft play.

At 3 you can also start to explain reasoning. So why are you saying no to an ice-cream? Tell him.

Also let him tantrum. They get bored after half hour

Stick to your guns, for two weeks it will be hell but he'll learn no means no and life will be easier.

Just a tip, make sure your no's are for important things, if children hear it too much then they stop listening - set your boundaries then stick to them. And another tip for things like ice cream is a reward chart and for instance 10 stars gets a scoop of ice cream or alternatively a calendar and ice cream is on Wednesdays and Sundays or whatever works for you.

3 year olds are pretty iron willed but you have to stick with it

To give example dd wants to have ice cream at park or go to cafe on way home each time.

It got too frequent so I said no, only in summer for ice cream and before leaving park it was a no. A couple of times it went down badly but now she’s ok with it.

Three year olds are EXHAUSTING.

So the smug, officious advice I will offer is being consistent. Even just a week of no meaning no will result in behaviour improving a bit as your word will mean something.

However, like PP says. Pick your battles and try to make most things a yes. We have ice lollies every day here, rain, snow or sun. I've gotten around my guilt by freezing OJ or buying the little pips made of nothing but fruit and veg ones. He can eat them til they come out of his ears and I'm not fussed, he's less inclined to because they're less delicious than twisters 🤣

I say yes whenever I can. We also make our own ice lollies so DC is allowed them after most meals since they're mostly frozen squashed fruit.

I find being relaxed on most things gives me the energy to dig in hard on the things that count.

Acknowledging their feelings without giving in also helps. "I'm sorry you're upset about not having an ice cream but we're having pancakes for snack today". If my DC starts to tantrum and get upset (as opposed to defiant naughtiness), I just give them a hug. The latter, they get sent to sit on the stairs.

Hes old enough to know not to hurt an animal.Thata really pissed me off hearing that.Poor dog

I was too soft with my eldest. At 3 he was a nightmare. I had a week of hell being really firm and the cycle was broken. Think of it as one bad week and it will be done. Its hard, so hard but you are in charge. You make the rules. Let him scream, stamp his feet etc, no means no. We also have a saying that manners will always get you more than screaming at me for stuff. Reward good behavior and ignore bad. Stick to it! You can do this

Following for future tips with my very very strong willed 1 year old!

@PlasticDinosaur be careful. If they’re pure fruit then they probably have more sugar in them than some shop bought lollies…puréed fruit is incredibly sugary and calorific and they really shouldn’t eat them ‘till they come out of their ears’ it’s the same as eating sugar….

In fact I just checked and one pip smoothie is 22g of sugar. 4-6 year olds should have no more than 19g in Total for the whole day

My sympathies, OP. It sounds a difficult situation but you've got some good advice to get you started. I hope the situation resolves itself soon.

You need to say no and mean it. Its going to be horrible for a few days, but you need to be in control

YOU are the boos, say, mean it, and for fucks sake follow through!!!!

Christ some of these comments. You're not raising a serial killer op haha. They do behave like psychopaths at times though Tbf.

You've had some great advice - i decided which battles I would fight. Natural consequences for things (sounds like you're doing this already) - ie made a mess=clear it up, threw toys = put toys away until can play with them nicely etc. Star charts etc are great motivators for positive behaviour. And just steeling myself for 'why?' Or whinging and learning to not react. If she really really misbehaved she was sent to calm down on the 'calm down step' which mostly worked. My dd is 4 and she's through it and she's such a joy to be around now.

Following for tips as I'm also soft

I have a coming up for 3 year old in January (his baby sister is due at the same time), and I have 2 main problems. 1 is that he often just doesn't listen to me - he'll do something dangerous (jumping off the back of the sofa) or ask for yet another chocolate bar, and then blank me when I say no. It's really hard to get his attention sometimes.

The other thing is that when he does listen and tantrum, he can go from 1 to vomit in about 10 seconds flat - it took us almost a year to get his allergies and reflux, 10+ full stomach projectile vomits to bile levels each day under control, and I'm pretty done now with cleaning non-illness/cough related vomit! He's still somewhat distractable but I'm aware this won't always be the case...

Using your voice also helps. Keep a stern, no nonsense voice for these time so he is trained when Mummy has that voice there is no messing with her. Often l hear parents speaking so sweetly when a stern word would solve the issue much quicker. And keep sentences short. I find it difficult when parents go into a big explanation every time as it's confusing for a child. Sometimes saying: Mummy said No!!! is OK. Or Remember we do what Mummy says.
And leave it then.

@Flowersinthefireplace the packet reckons 4g per lolly. When I say out of his ears, occasionally he gets a second. But it's all about damage limitation hey?

But this is certainly true and a valid point of alot of smoothie lollies. I'm not sure you can compare fruit sugars and processed sugars like for like though.

@PlasticDinosaur fruit sugars and processed sugars have the exact same effect on the body. Fruit sugar in whole fruit is better due to the fibre but once puréed it’s the same unfortunately.

I’m a lot like you, I give in for an easy life as I have a 3 year old and newborn twins. DD is probably a little bit spoiled sometimes, BUT she is so polite, mostly very well behaved and I feel she really does appreciate everything she gets.

So, my rule is that once the treats are gone they’re gone. So we get shopping delivered once a week- I will buy a few treats but she knows once it’s gone it’s gone and I won’t buy more. The more I give her responsibility, and trust her with stuff the better she does. I give her access to a snack drawer- stuff like breadsticks/ cereal, and she knows she can have fruit whenever.

Every child is different. DD needs positivity and encouragement. It’s hard to explain but I basically say how I want her to behave when she’s doing something. So if she’s cuddling her baby brother and sister a bit too enthusiastically- I’ll watch her closely and say ‘you’re so gentle’ ‘you’re such a good big sister’- and then she is a lot more gentle! Whereas if you jump straight in and say ‘no- stop that!’ She would tantrum and lash out.

So with the dog thing for example- watch him closely and if you are worried he is about to hit the dog with the lego. I would say ‘wow you’re being so kind to Ddog, you are such a good dog owner, thank you for being so nice to him, he loves you so much’.

It might not work for you, but it really does for us.

Update- zero ice creams or treats, rode out the tantrums. Going to keep strong!

Well done OP! You can do it!

@Youdonthavetobegood

Update- zero ice creams or treats, rode out the tantrums. Going to keep strong!

Brilliant! Just keep on going.

Yes!!! Good job OP, tomorrow will
Be fractionally easier 😊 And you know you can do it 👍

Thank you! Somehow writing out the rules and sticking them on the fridge helped me keep my nerve. Taking back the authority!!