Help me grow a spine with my 3 y/o, he rules us

[Youdonthavetobegood]

Help!

Somehow I've turned into the sort of submissive parent that I always scorned pre-child.

I'm so flipping exhausted looking after our just turned 3 y/o that I'm worried I'm letting way too many things slide for an easier life. I want him to do nice normal things like eat at the table, not whinge for ice cream all the time. But I say no in all the usual ways (got the books on how to get little kids to listen etc). But his will is just so iron clad that I end up capitulating, or at least giving in to some of his demands (eg a win at the moment is 'negotiating' him down to just one ice cream a day...)

Don't worry, I know I'm on the track to raising a brat. I don't want that, but how can I get him to listen and respect me, in a way that doesn't make me lose the will to live all day long, with his constant tantrumming? And they ARE long days....

He hits the dog withlego - remove the Lego and him, fuss the dog.

He's taking the piss out of you, you have to be firm, stay say no and follow through.

This 3 yo will one day be a grown man. It's actually quite frightening to hear he rules his parents as you can't be bothered to enforce rules.

How will be treat people in adulthood?

Gosh that was a strong take! Just asking for parenting tips is all...

Did you leave soft play when he pushed the other child over? I suppose what will happen is one day the other child will bop him on the nose or the parent of the other child will tell your child off for you!

A lot of dc go through pushing, snatching etc phases but you still need to teach him that it is not acceptable behaviour or you are going to end up on Supernanny.

You are making both his and your life more difficult and you are both miserable to boot.

I have a DC with a will of iron. I remember him throwing himself on the pavement once because he wanted to be carried. TWO HOURS I waited it out before I had to give in and carry him because I had to collect older DC from school. Same with not sitting next to him as he went to sleep. He managed to stay awake from 7am all the way until 6am the next morning when he passed out for an hour and then woke up for the rest of the day He's nearly 7 now and since his communication has improved things have got slightly better. He'll always be stubborn as fuck but I tell myself it will serve him well as an adult!

Find his Achilles heel- my child hates to be alone, her punishment for bad behaviour is to go to her room. If our and bad behaviour, I make sure once home I remember to put her in her room (only for say 10mins), I don’t forget bad behaviour and I’m very calm and matter of fact. (In my head I’m screaming and swearing). Speak as though your writing what you are saying, no emotion just the right words “so because you did this this is what is happening and I won’t explain further”.

Whatever strategy you take do it now.

If you choose to do anything like naughty step, which means physically lifting him and taking him there if he won’t walk until after a dozen attempts he realises you mean what you stay and if he escapes the step he just gets returned there so it’s best to just get it over with first time, it’s better to get it instilled in them when young, as trying to lift a 7 year old will be physically demanding.

I still like the supernanny methods.

@TheWeatherOutside

Did you leave soft play when he pushed the other child over? I suppose what will happen is one day the other child will bop him on the nose or the parent of the other child will tell your child off for you!

A lot of dc go through pushing, snatching etc phases but you still need to teach him that it is not acceptable behaviour or you are going to end up on Supernanny.

You are making both his and your life more difficult and you are both miserable to boot.

Yeah, he did it once on the trampoline and I told him off and moved away and that inflamed him more, he didn't it again and I said, ok we're leaving. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tolerating violence or anything like that, it's just that it doesn't seem to be sinking in when I tell him off/ remove him from the situation etc.

One bit of advice that stuck with me was from "Toddler Taming": toddlers are gamblers so the fact that 1 in 10 or even 1 in 100 times they get what they want means that they are prepared to play with those odds.

That means that you must never give in - because then they know they just have to try often enough and one of those times the dice will fall in their favour.

It's not a case of "negotiating". It's a case of just saying no.

With a will of iron, it's a case of finding a boring alternative and not rewarding the bad behaviour with attention. Leaving soft play immediately (even if screaming). Taking away all the Lego. Definitely no ice cream

Easier said than done though, I recognise

I am on my 4th 3 year old. Tips:

• try not to just say ‘no’ automatically, then end up saying ‘yes’ because you’re worn down. If possible just say yes in the first place.
• remember tantrums are necessary learning for them but also for you. It’s not personal so you have to learn to let it wash over you.
• it’s nice to do empathy and understanding when you can, but when you’re at the end of your tether you just have to ignore them. If necessary I will put mine in another room to calm down if I can’t stomach being shouted at any more.
• loads and loads of noticing good behaviour. It doesn’t have to be effusive praise. It can just be a smile and a ‘thank you for tidying that up’
• it is totally normal to be exhausted by this. It is exhausting!

Also don’t expect it to ‘work’ in terms of behaviour improving until he gets older. You just have to keep doing the same thing again and again!

I was/ am a bit like this too. I just don't buy ice cream etc so it cannot be an issue.

Take your time being with him whilst he has a moment to get upset. Sit and leg it take time. You'll become more comfortable around him when he's upset.
You know it from the books you're reading ( I also really recommend Philippa Perry's book). It's more your issue, not The fact that he gets sad, as that's what children do sometimes.

It does sink in eventually, OP. My DS2 went through a hitting phase at this age and it was awful, I tried SO hard to stop him and nothing seemed to get through to him. He's now a lovely well behaved 12yo, I honestly never thought I'd be writing those words!

With mine I just say no 2 or 3 times and then just move onto something else. I don't try and distract him, I just get on with chores etc while he screams 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't fight with him, I only check in occasionally (when he is mid-tantrum) to see if he needs a cuddle or some water. I make sure he's in a safe place to tantrum and I just let him get on with it.

I've noticed now I've become very firm with my boundaries he's responding really well.

Your job isn't to make him stop yelling/crying etc, your job is to support him through his frustrations. He needs to learn to feel those feelings and work through them. It's such an important skill (particularly for boys!). And best learnt young before he can punch holes in the walls when he's having a tantrum!

When my daughter was being difficult (due to trauma) I did a lot of watching súper nanny.

It helps seeing where someone else is making the same mistakes you are and also helps your kid to see too how they could be perceived.

I know it’s been said time and again but you HAVE to make no mean no

Since it already doesn’t you are going to have to ride out his strategies for taking you no down.

Write it down! It will help you see progress happening

In terms of getting your child to treat you with respect I never miss an opportunity to remind parents that peeing alone is ok.
Close the bathroom door, you deserve privacy!

Make sure you all take turns in choosing the pizza, ice cream, film etc… your turn is important too!

If you allow them to see you in a permanent service role instead of as a part of tram family it’s all down hill!

It's so hard with a three year old, sometimes and often tantrums is the only way they know how to communicate. They do grow out of it, as they learn better communication. We learned to pick our battles, be consistent, have a united front with the other parent and continually reward good behaviour with praise. It's difficult sometimes to praise good behaviour, as we often saying nothing as it's just great to get some peace and quiet.

Having said that, a child really needs to know that no means no.

It is hard, when mine were little we used the super nanny techniques. It is hard work but the key is to stick to the rules you put in place. You will be knackered but I promise it will get better once the new rules are embedded and becomes normal.

I applaud your resolve!!!

I have a 2 & 4 year old who are in the midst of challenging tantrums. It's exhausting!
Make everywhere child tantrum safe, so they can't hurt themselves. I ignore the fuss until he's calmed down, as there is no constructive conversation to be had with a stubborn, irrational child! But later we can talk calmly and discuss consequences: ie: you threw the Lego, so we should remove it for the day etc. I ask mine to apologise specifically for the things they've done wrong too. Having a clear idea in my kind of how I will punish behaviour helps me to stay calm in the moment, as wow- I get so wound up and cross with the ingratitude and demands of my kids!

Put them in the bin op. You can’t be worn down when there’s none in the freezer, that’ll help you too.

“Mummy doesn’t answer why questions” was my stock response. I never did and the why stage lasted about two minutes in our house. If she was curious about something she asked the question a different way. If she persisted with asking too many, she got a “just because” and nothing else.

The tantrums can be wearing, but ignoring them really is the best way.

Also, just stop buying ice cream. “We haven’t got any” if in the house or “I don’t have any money to buy one” when you are out.

Or, “they’ve stopped making them” worked for us too, whenever she got all demanding.

Consistency is the key.

You’re the parent. You’re letting someone who has baby teeth and can’t even wipe themselves properly lord over you. Think about that.

He has only been walking for what… 1.5 years, 2 years and he’s bossing you around. And he can’t even be that tall.. he can’t even reach buttons or even knobs on doors that well. This has to stop.

You’re at the mercy of a tiny tyrant who has only recently mastered fine motor skills! This is really out of order. Handle this now. Do you want to try to get things in order when he’s the size of an adult man in 10 yrs?

I understand children can’t be difficult but you can’t just let someone with baby teeth boss you around.

You have to become master of distraction OP. Tell him that he can't have ice cream now because we're going to .....insert distraction here.... Say no like it's no big deal and focus his attention straight away on something else. Keep it bright and easy.

Avoid a full on battle of wills if you can, it's soul destroying, toddlers can be so very tenacious I sympathize with you OP.

Try, if you can to get a break (I know that's not always easy).

Good luck!!

Try making a treat schedule, he can have so many treats a week, if he chooses ice cream then so be it.