How do you deal with an ex who keeps your children's clothes

[Speedyhare22]

My ex is a narcissist who always has to have control. He hates that I left him and still tries to do anything he can to wind me up and control every situation.

When I moved out I took all our sons clothes with me as I use them all week long and he now goes to nursery so we go through quite a bit.
He hated that I took everything but I didn't see the point of him keeping stuff that I could use all week long just for the weekend.
However i would send our Son to him for the weekend with a bag full of different outfits for him to chose from and different style shoes (some fantastic condition as bought new and some second hand cos you know what kids are like) but my ex started keeping items and refusing to send them back. Some items were things like wellies which he only had one set of and so I had none to send him to nursery in. He would keep some of his best jeans which I only had a couple of pairs off so when i wanted to dress him smart for a party or something, I didn't have the nice things I'd want to put him in. He's even kept loads of pairs of these expensive trainer socks I bought that are thick and don't roll down and stretch to a much bigger size so thyy are meant to last years.
I now only have 5 pairs left out of 12.

So anyway, I noticed that my ex would start sending him back in clothes that he bought our Son so I thought brilliant, he's getting his own things (and I would wash these and always send them back at next visit)
So I've started sending Son to him with a limited amount of outfits and mist of these are now his not so nice outfits, things that I wouldn't mind so much if my ex doesn't return. Because I'm fed up with spending money on things and then never seeing them again. Now my ex has written me a note saying how he has noticed that our Son clothes are deteriorated and he only buys him clothes because he clearly needs smartening up.

Now to be clear, these clothes are still flipping good condition. I don't put my kid in rags but this is just another one of his attempts to try and make out I can't cope and am not looking after him properly.

How would you react or what do you do in these situations?

Tell him "you do you"
He provides clothes of the standard he feels suitable on his time. Dont send your DS with clothes for his contact time.

Thankyou for your reply.
Unfortunately I'm limited on what I can actually say to him. I've had to report him for harassment and he's had a final warning. If I go down the route of saying anything other then 'what time are you picking Son up' it invalidates my harassment claim and leaves me open and vulnerable to his abuse.
Even me writing in our contact book 'could i please have back any socks that you might still have as I'm nearly running out' leaves me open to the message he wrote back.
And then he just starts digging and ranting at me and insulting me as a person and a mother.

I mean generally, am I wrong for classing my sons clothes as MY property, even though its my money that now buys them.
I expected some people to come along and say 'well wouldn't you want your son to have what he needs when he goes to his dads' as the clothes belong to my son.
But I can't afford to keep replacing them and I still send him with nice stuff. Just a limited amount as I realised he was buying his own things for him.

Don’t send any clothes.

It’s not normal to send clothes, he’s not going on holiday you shouldn’t be packing a bag, your ex needs to provide his own clothes simple

Don't send anything. Just the clothes he's wearing at the time and make sure those are nothing special or smart.

Don’t send any - I don’t. I put him in old shoes and rough clothes As mine did the same. I make a point of taking out the new trainers and putting them on at change over

Send him with the clothes he is wearing. That's all you need to send him with.

I just send my son in the clothes he is wearing. It his his dads responsibility to clothe him when he is there.
What he usually does then is keeps the clothes I send, and sends him back in smaller clothes.
Hes a cheapskate who doesn't like buying clothes for his child.
Ds is a bit older now and I send him in stuff that I'm not bothered about if they return or not, and I just tell ds to wear them on return. Most of the time he does, but today he was sent back in a t shirt age 7-8. Ds is 11

Mine doesn’t contribute to clothes by the way and after giving him 6 bags of clothes and offering to go 50/50 on trainers my ex refused so now he provides everything himself

Don’t say anything, don’t do anything differently. He’s your ex for a reason.

Just stop sending clothes op.

Maintenance only covers the days you have DS he needs to clothe him on his days.

Just carry on sending him in the clothes he has on that day and in a pair of plimsolls or cheap trainers etc.

Just ignore the comments from ex.

Horrible for you and DS but grey rock is the only way with him.

Yes, no need to pack any clothes. Send him in one outfit, preferably something XH bought previously.

Ok thankyou so much for this. I felt like I was being mean.
I do want my boy to have everything he needs when he goes there and hate the thought he doesn't have them.
But I sent him with a spare pair of summer shoes cos it looked like we were going to have a nice weekend and I'm certain his dad doesn't have any for him but those haven't come back today.

I just don't understand the protocol with this sort of thing.
I'm so scared of getting SS knocking on my door as to why I'm not clothing or providing for my son appropriately.
I just had a feeling that they would say that it was my responsibility to send him with what he needs.
Ex is a cheapskate too. Refused to pay CM for months. I'm getting it now but he earns more than enough to cover stuff. He just doesn't want too

My DC have old stuff to wear to their dads and they only take what they are wearing on the day.

Why would ss knock on your door are they already involved? Otherwise that makes no sense

He has stuff there so you don't need to send extra clothes though OP.

Just send him in what he's wearing.

As I said maintenance is to contribute to DS costs when he's with you, your ex still has to cover DS costs when he is with him including footwear and clothing.

I’d get a cheap outfit or hand me downs plus a cheap pair of shoes and send him in that every single time. If your ex wants to moan, let him, not your problem - he should be buying clothes for his days.

It’s a win win for you - a) you won’t be wound up by him keeping the clothes and b) he won’t have the satisfaction of winding you up either!

Sadly I resorted to shoving dc out the door in a onesie...
Ex was selling their stuff at car boot sales...

@Brollywasntneededafterall blimey just how low could your ex get!

Oo pretty low..
I left in the May. He sold ds's Xmas gifts.. That his dps had paid for..
He tried to sue a family after he claimed their ddog attacked him. Lies... They lost their home. Took 2 years to get the ddogs back. Exh got zero.

He the true definition of narcissistic..

He’s a dick. SS don’t have enough time to deal with the real cases they have, they are going to take no notice of a man who complains his ex doesn’t send their son with nice clothes. He won’t call them. You have nothing to worry about. Just ignore him.

No social services aren't involved at all but he is trying anything he can to say he needs to get them involved. Even resorting to asking me why our Son has bruises on his knees and should he be concerned 😟
Literally a couple of bruises on his knees from falling over and climbing up and down slides. He's 2. My ex will try anything.

OK thankyou so much everyone. I didn't fully realise and understand that part about the child maintenance and what it covers so that makes it alot clearer for me