How do you deal with an ex who keeps your children's clothes

[Speedyhare22]

My ex is a narcissist who always has to have control. He hates that I left him and still tries to do anything he can to wind me up and control every situation.

When I moved out I took all our sons clothes with me as I use them all week long and he now goes to nursery so we go through quite a bit.
He hated that I took everything but I didn't see the point of him keeping stuff that I could use all week long just for the weekend.
However i would send our Son to him for the weekend with a bag full of different outfits for him to chose from and different style shoes (some fantastic condition as bought new and some second hand cos you know what kids are like) but my ex started keeping items and refusing to send them back. Some items were things like wellies which he only had one set of and so I had none to send him to nursery in. He would keep some of his best jeans which I only had a couple of pairs off so when i wanted to dress him smart for a party or something, I didn't have the nice things I'd want to put him in. He's even kept loads of pairs of these expensive trainer socks I bought that are thick and don't roll down and stretch to a much bigger size so thyy are meant to last years.
I now only have 5 pairs left out of 12.

So anyway, I noticed that my ex would start sending him back in clothes that he bought our Son so I thought brilliant, he's getting his own things (and I would wash these and always send them back at next visit)
So I've started sending Son to him with a limited amount of outfits and mist of these are now his not so nice outfits, things that I wouldn't mind so much if my ex doesn't return. Because I'm fed up with spending money on things and then never seeing them again. Now my ex has written me a note saying how he has noticed that our Son clothes are deteriorated and he only buys him clothes because he clearly needs smartening up.

Now to be clear, these clothes are still flipping good condition. I don't put my kid in rags but this is just another one of his attempts to try and make out I can't cope and am not looking after him properly.

How would you react or what do you do in these situations?

OK so, update..........
I wrote in the contact book this evening (ex collects son for a couple of hours after work) politely asking for the shoes back that he went with at the weekend.
I get back........
Presumed these shoes were to stay. Please do not leave items In bag you would like back as its confusing. I buy new clothes and shoes for him all the time as his ones are tatty.

God he makes me so angry.
1- he didn't presume the shoes were to stay there at all. He knows now I have always asked for items back and last week he actually wrote in the contact book that 'he comes home with everything he has or is sent with' (which he doesn't, which is why I'm always having to ask for stuff back) and then suddenly presumes he can keep a pair of his shoes. This is what I mean about him. He is a huge liar and is never consistent with anything he says or does. He regularly changes his opinions and actions to suit whatever situation he has at the time.
2- where does he get off on saying his clothes are tatty. He's such an arsenal. He knows in all the years I've been with him, I'm a clean, tidy, organised person and take pride in my appearance. I'm however not ashamed to buy charity stuff or go to a bootsale but I don't wear rags. And he knows the same about my son. He has always had nice clothes and always looks clean. So why now suddenly this????
Because he's trying to paint this sudden picture of me that I left him because I went crazy and can now no longer cope and I dress my kid in rags.
Grrrrrr

So please, help me. What do I reply. Without going going the road of dropping to his standard and immaturity. And without opening myself up to more harassment and Insults.
But also letting him no I will no longer be giving any clothes etc

“In future please assume that all items are to be returned, unless told
Otherwise.”

You never send him with anything extra. You put in the contact "please return all items DS is sent with for each and every contact from now on"

Ignore the fact he is trying to make out that DS is dressed in rags. SS would not care so long as he is clean and they are weather appropriate. He does it merely to get a rise out of you.

You don't reply - that's what he wants you to do. He wants you to engage. It is so hard not to reply when this kind of nonsense is chucked at you. Think how good it will feel if you don't respond - and he'll probably try repeatedly to get you to but try to let it wash right over you. Keep the nonsense in case you need it later on.

Don't send any extra clothing. Keep a small number of things that he can wear on the way to his dad's. If they are things that your ex won't like, all the better. It's a bit tricky to allow yourself to dress your DS in things you wouldn't normally put him in, but it's all for the greater good. The idea that your child might not have what they need is also a bit of a head fuck, but YOUR EX SHOULD BE PROVIDING THIS.

I wasn't keen on the things I put my DD in when she went to her dad's place, but she wasn't with me in them and it just took a whole layer of stress around whether things would come back or not.

Don't send any clothes.

Thankyou so much everyone

**You don't reply - that's what he wants you to do. He wants you to engage. It is so hard not to reply when this kind of nonsense is chucked at you. Think how good it will feel if you don't respond - and he'll probably try repeatedly to get you to but try to let it wash right over you. Keep the nonsense in case you need it later on.

And this ^ I needed to hear. A few others have said it aswell but it takes a while to get this into my head. You're completely right.
It does wind him up more when I don't rise to it and it takes a lot of strength but I am usually very good at not rising to it. Sometimes I break and then I get really annoyed with myself.
So thankyou for reminding me x

Please do not leave items In bag you would like back as its confusing

Perfect. Send him in the clothes he’s wearing and put nothing else in the bag.

Don’t reply to the goady message, unless you want to write “Great! Will do that from now on ” to wind him up.

Don’t engage.

But don’t let it go unchecked. Your comment is noted although I disagree. Assume all clothes run the bag must be returned - you provide for him in your care and I will do the same in mine. Do not remove any clothes from him or his bag unless you ensure those items are all replaced. You be bill for all future clothes that are removed and it treated as theft.

He's trying to goad you OP. Don't reply to his sarky reply.
I know it's so tempting there's been a few messages from DPs ex where DP has had to put his phone down & we hash out "what we want to say" before either replying much more calmly/politely or just ignoring. Maybe you could write down what you would really like to say on a separate piece of paper then bin/burn it? Or just write it here to "get it out of your system".

Your response is simply not sending your DC with anything as nothing is to stay at your ex's house.

I think my husband is a great dad and would also be if we separated. It still wouldn’t cross my mind to send my child to contact with spare clothes because it’s his dads job to also have clothes for him. Just send him in nursery level clothes ie playwear, and your ex has to provide other things for him.
I’m not sure about replying, I would at least once put a clear message that ‘I was just sending clothes to help while you get some sorted. You should have clothes for him at your house. Please return his gumboots his summer shoes his coat, I can’t afford two sets of everything to give you one. (list about 10 big items just for the record, unfortunately knowing he can’t)

Don't reply, just don't send him with anything in his bag or any shoes next time.

@CaptainCarp
I love your idea of writing it down to get out what I really wanna say.
So here goes.......

Since you've apparently had to buy him loads of new clothes, it seems I no longer need to send him with anything other than the clothes on his back. Which is what I will now be doing and what I should have been doing since the day I left you. But because your such a selfish, immature shit, I always felt the need to provide everything for our Son because clearly you were always so incapable of it.
Always relying on me to do everything for you because according to you, absolutely fucking nothing is your responsibility.
And if you find his clothes so 'Tatty', then maybe the next time you refuse to pay me any child maintenance for months on end, but find it totally OK to spend £60 on a platinum Tinder account, you might think first.
I know you hate paying me child maintenance because you think it's going in my pocket to splash out on myself.
And lately you've probably seen me looking great in some really nice looking outfits.
They ARENT new. Don't worry. They are actually all 6 years old but I've managed to dig them out of my wardrobe because due to all the fucking shit you've been giving me and the stress I've been under, I've managed to lose 2 stone. And I feel fucking amazing!!!!!!! So thankyou, you misogynistic prick. I only put weight weight cos I was so fucking miserable with you.
Oh and our son has perfectly nice clothes at home with me. I've been sending him to you in older stuff I couldn't care less about because of the amount of times you've refused to give stuff back.
But you're so fucking thick and pig headed you haven't even considered that as why.
And funnily enough, I don't have the money to buy 2 sets of everything because you're too much of a tight arse to provide anything for your son.
And so that our Son can have decent food on the table and fresh fruit everyday, I have been buying second hand for when he comes to you.
Or would you rather he eat shit everyday just to satisfy your narcissistic fucking hunger to make my life as difficult as possible.
Oh definitely the latter.

Oh you're right. That does feel better x

Glad it does!

Any chance of going to CMS???

I have now. Thankyou
I did originally months ago but he threatened and bullied me into cancelling it and offered me a lower amount. I was too naive at the time and still fell for all his lies.
I've gone back to them again and set it up with the correct amount but guess what, he is still one month late. CMS are dealing with it

And isn't it lovely to have a 3rd party so you don't have to deal with his crap!!

Yes it is. But he still gives it to me when he can.
I just wish there was a third party that could help deal with everything else. Without having to go down the route of a court order etc.

I still have to communicate with him to discuss holidays or time I want away with our Son. Even if I want to take our Son to a birthday party hes been invited too on a weekend he is meant to have him, I have to ask him and i hate it. It makes me feel sick waiting for his reply

You can ask someone else to intercept emails and write them etc.

THANK YOU for this thread OP
My ex does crazy shit with clothes and I thought I was the only one who had it. Looks like it's a common narcissist ploy.
My kids go to ex on Weds after school and come back to me at the w/e. Ex sends them in school uniform with no socks. He makes sure my youngest is in the tattiest most stainedstuff so over time all the nice uniform I've bought migrates to his house and all the stuff that's too small/has holes ends up at mine. And I never have enough socks.
It makes me so mad but I refuse to get the kids stuck in the middle of it.
Honestly, how do these men have time in their life to waste energy on these stupid games? It's just weird

@QuentinBunbury you poor thing. Its awful isn't it.
It plays on my mind so much it makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I kepe asking myself how do people like him sleep at night. I can't get it into my head that these people really exist and somehow get away with it. And yes, where do they get the time and energy. Its so pathetic.

@RandomMess Is there. Does anyone know where I can get help with this x

Have you asked a friend or family member if they would screen emails for you?

OP, great non reply stuff

Since you've apparently had to buy him loads of new clothes, it seems I no longer need to send him with anything other than the clothes on his back.

But because your such a selfish, immature shit, I always felt the need to provide everything for our Son because clearly you were always so incapable of it.

I've been under, I've managed to lose 2 stone. And I feel fucking amazing!!!!!!! So thankyou, you misogynistic prick. I only put weight weight cos I was so fucking miserable with you.

But you're so fucking thick and pig headed you haven't even considered that as why.

@RandomMess
No I haven't directly asked them to do this.
But I know they wouldn't be up to it. My ex went through a stage of not only harassing me, but harassing some of them, trying to turn them all against me and calling them to slag me off.
I now can't work late Thursdays anymore like I used too cos my mum doesn't wanna do the hand over

@JamieNorthlife why thankyou. It felt good to say it. It certainly works x

sending you lots of love