How do you deal with an ex who keeps your children's clothes

[Speedyhare22]

My ex is a narcissist who always has to have control. He hates that I left him and still tries to do anything he can to wind me up and control every situation.

When I moved out I took all our sons clothes with me as I use them all week long and he now goes to nursery so we go through quite a bit.
He hated that I took everything but I didn't see the point of him keeping stuff that I could use all week long just for the weekend.
However i would send our Son to him for the weekend with a bag full of different outfits for him to chose from and different style shoes (some fantastic condition as bought new and some second hand cos you know what kids are like) but my ex started keeping items and refusing to send them back. Some items were things like wellies which he only had one set of and so I had none to send him to nursery in. He would keep some of his best jeans which I only had a couple of pairs off so when i wanted to dress him smart for a party or something, I didn't have the nice things I'd want to put him in. He's even kept loads of pairs of these expensive trainer socks I bought that are thick and don't roll down and stretch to a much bigger size so thyy are meant to last years.
I now only have 5 pairs left out of 12.

So anyway, I noticed that my ex would start sending him back in clothes that he bought our Son so I thought brilliant, he's getting his own things (and I would wash these and always send them back at next visit)
So I've started sending Son to him with a limited amount of outfits and mist of these are now his not so nice outfits, things that I wouldn't mind so much if my ex doesn't return. Because I'm fed up with spending money on things and then never seeing them again. Now my ex has written me a note saying how he has noticed that our Son clothes are deteriorated and he only buys him clothes because he clearly needs smartening up.

Now to be clear, these clothes are still flipping good condition. I don't put my kid in rags but this is just another one of his attempts to try and make out I can't cope and am not looking after him properly.

How would you react or what do you do in these situations?

My exh professed the entirity of our case that he was the better parent and he should have all the dc... He told ds's school I was dead...
Ds once told me he knew df hated me more than he loved him.

I used to send my children to ex with an IKEA blue bag filled with everything they needed for the weekend, football kit, swimming gear, clothing for all weathers, wellies, trainers etc etc. He consistently dropped them off on a Sunday with the same IKEA bag filled with wet, muddy and sandy clothes all piled on top of their school coats. He was politely asked to separate clean from dirty and he refused so I stopped providing anything other than the clothes on their backs. He now has to buy hats, gloves, sunglasses, sandals, wellies plus clothes. Shot himself in the foot big style. The children leave here clothed in school uniform and they return in 'dad's' clothes that I wash and return at handover a fortnight later. I don't entertain his sob stories. He has to provide on his time. Take a hard line. Don't be bullied by him. It's all posturing and nonsense.

@TurnUpTurnip

It’s not normal to send clothes, he’s not going on holiday you shouldn’t be packing a bag, your ex needs to provide his own clothes simple

Similar situation here. Do this.

@Speedyhare22

I just don't understand the protocol with this sort of thing. I'm so scared of getting SS knocking on my door as to why I'm not clothing or providing for my son appropriately. I just had a feeling that they would say that it was my responsibility to send him with what he needs. Ex is a cheapskate too. Refused to pay CM for months. I'm getting it now but he earns more than enough to cover stuff. He just doesn't want too

If they knock on your door tell them you tried to share he kept a load so you now know he has appropriate clothing there he can continue to provide appropriate clothing for there as you provide for your home

I had a game player he "borrowed" my sons potty and didn't return it twice so I refused to send it we had a meeting the nursery said he was seeming confused about potty training on a Friday (dad's evening was Thurs) he said he put him in nappies on Thurs because I was refusing to give him my potty I said you weren't RETURNING IT I need the potty he said "she" needs to let me use his potty social worker looked at him and said buy your own for FUCKS SAKE you can get them from poundland stop confusing the kid

Blimey @Brollywasntneededafterall that's awful.
That's what my ex is like. He doesn't care what affect his actions have on his son, as long as he gets to me.

Yes my ex gave me akot of sob stories about mo ey and I've since found out he has plenty of money.

OK so now how do I do this. Do I send son with the clothes on his back and a note just to say please return Son in what his wearing.
I really want to write that he should be providing and will need to purchase all the types of shoes and pants and socks etc but I don't think I can do this without getting a backlash. And invalidating my harassment claims. But I also feel very uncomfortable just doing as said but not explaining why. X

@Theunamedcat I actually in shock. What an idiot
I've just potty trained my little boy and I'm concerned that he's just putting him in nappies when he's with him but again there noway of me communicating with him

I wouldn't reply at all, he's goading you nothing more.

You are sending your DS in pants so your ex knows he's potty trained.

Stop sending your DC with spare clothes, dad can supply any that he needs.
We buy everything that DC need, underwear, trainers, sandals/sliders, gloves sunglasses. Sometimes it seems a "waste" as some things get hardly any use but DP doesn't expect his ex to provide anything that is "day-to-day".
A couple of DCs favourite teddies transfer between houses but that's all they come with bar the clothes on their back.

We had the opposite problem where ex was demanding the clothes DC were sent in, even when damp (if we'd washed them) or dirty (we let ex know they hadn't been washed) but never returned the clothes we sent DC back in so we were fast running out of clothes.

It was like for like items "just" supermarket/primark joggers & t-shirt. Ex got arsey when DP asked for some of the clothes back.
So now DC have to get changed out of "our" clothes back into ex's clothes before going back. We'd prefer just the "swapping" but until DC are a bit older & can bring what they want/need with them then it's the only way we get to keep clothes.
Its just a bit of a pain making sure everything gets washed & dried in time. We have after 3 years progressed to being able to swap underwear with no arguments 😂

You don't need to send a note, just send your child.
You know his dad has clothes.
If he needs anything else over the weekend his dad can buy it.
Whatever clothes he sends him back in, just wash them and send him back in them next time.

I don't understand how you, politely, writing that you take the view he should he providing clothes would invalidate your harassment claim? Surely you can be a little bit more assertive without someone saying 'well you're clearly not being harassed.' If he responds angrily, surely that only proves that he is harassing you?

You dont owe him any explanation. Nor should he need one. If dad doesn't have enough clothes to see his child clothed during the time they're together, then it doesn't take a genius to work out what he needs to do.

Send your child with the clothes on their back and then forget about it until your child returns. Whatever is returned, wash and put away until the following visit.

Slightly different, but my aunts do this with my DC. They'll bring them back in entirely different clothes.

Just send him in clothing and pants teach him to say "no nappy" so he can make it clear he is potty trained

Fingers crossed he isnt like one (ahem) "parent" who would strip there child down and hand them over (in the police station car park" mum had to dress them in the back of the car and hand back the pants while he raged at her saying how disgusting and disgraceful she was it carried on for ages she filmed it for ages he even tried (and succeeded) getting a court order saying she couldn't bring her friend to film the handover the police let him carry on until winter then told him he was massively out of order and he would be charged with neglect back to court again bodycam footage is admissible apparently and the police officer was switched on before he approached the car they heard it all you raging slut I can smell the sperm on you whore give me my clothes you deserve nothing off me less than nothing vile piece of trash

Surprisingly he was ordered supervised contact and anger management

He was apparently a lovely man unless you left him

How old is your son? TBH I don't get this 'kids in outfits' rather than 'kids in clothes' but that's a whole other thread. If he's young, he won't care about what he's wearing so long as it's comfy.

Send your son in old stuff; bonus if you manage to find things at a charity shop that you can be pretty sure your ex won't like. Don't send extras. Ex should be providing whatever is needed. I used to send DD to her (also narcissistic) father in horrible pink things. He hated it and DD didn't care .

Ah - missed the post when you said your DS is two. Definitely won't care what he is wearing! I even went into a charity shop on holiday to get something to put DD in after a handover time had changed & we wouldn't have time to get home before DD went to her father's.

Keep your contact book for the likes of toilet training & anything health-related. And take photos of the pages so that it doesn't 'accidentally' get thrown out I speak from experience.

Good point Lost.
I'll do that.

And it's hard to explain but basically with the harassment stuff, if I ask anything other then to do with drop off and pick up, he's allowed to respond with whatever he likes. It's then not classed as harassment, just malicious messages. It's shit. Means he gets away with just insulting me whenever he wants

I had a post similar to thus recently.

Ex was clearing out the whole nappy bag every time.

I stopped sending it and went to CMS as advised. Ex went mental and stopped contact to "punish" me. CMS is now taking money right out of his pay check and I am loving the peace and quiet. Kids have adapted to not seeing him really well. He's likely to appear again soon and start being a twat again but I've used the last 6 weeks to firm up my boundaries and he will be seeing them at a contact centre if I deem it to be in their best interests.

Only send what they are wearing

@FairFuming wow. The parents of these men must be so proud. My ex us the other way round. He was a shit dad when I was with him. Now he's 'an amazing dad' in his words. He demands time with our Son cos he knows that hurts me more.

@Speedyhare22 in some ways, it's to your advantage if he shows his true colours in your contact book - it's all on record. And if you go to court, it's a record of his behaviour, showing what an utter bell-end he is. A proper parenting order may well make it much easier as then you know when and where handovers happen. The courts are all too familiar with this kind of behaviour.

The most difficult thing is not responding! After 12 years of this kind of shit, I still find it really difficult not to respond to ludicrous emails.

Thankyou both for the recent replies.
This is the issue. I'm a single mum that only works part time and It isn't fair that I should use the money I should be spending on other things for my some, Constantly replenishing clothes I shouldn't need too that I've already spent money on. Whilst he takes them and then spends all his spare cash on takeaways and other crap.
I'm definitely going to be sending him with nothing but the clothes on his back from now on.
And yes it does show his colours writing everything in the contact book but after the emotional abuse I've suffered from him already, I just can't tolerate anymore. It's easier said then done to ignore his nasty comments when I fear him so much now.

[quote Speedyhare22]@FairFuming wow. The parents of these men must be so proud. My ex us the other way round. He was a shit dad when I was with him. Now he's 'an amazing dad' in his words. He demands time with our Son cos he knows that hurts me more.[/quote]
He's an even shitter dad now because he's using your DS as a weapon and depriving DS of nice things at his main house that he didn't pay for himself.

As others said, don’t send any clothes.
Just keep in mind that a narcissist will then try to find something else that can be used to upset you/ control you.

My ex did this too. I stopped sending clothes I cared about, and sent them only with what they were wearing. He was outraged and tried to frame it as me not providing for them. He started keeping even those clothes and sending them back in charity shop clothes and clothes two sizes too small.. As they got older I was able to ask them to make sure the same clothes came back.

Thanks to his current dp, he's stopped this nonsense and has stepped up.

I hear you about the harassment. Don't worry, social services would be more likely to say something to him, than to you. If you're really worried, take a photo of your dc before you send them each time

As other has said the expectation is that the non resident parent provides clothes food etc in the days DC are with them. From what you say you need to keep a record of everything. I used to use one of those old fashioned carbon copy books. I sent a note with DS every visit which kept details of all medical issues, school issues and my 'polite requests' on relate matters. In court he tried 'she doesn't communicate with me' as part of his ongoing abuse and fight for more (inadequate) contact and care as the desperate hero. The judge could see the whole pile of my records and could see him for what he is - a bully and a narcissist using his child to get to me. He too continues to present himself as a wonderful committed dad. It's taken 19 years for DS to recognise what he really is and I have had to bite my tongue for much of that time. I hope things get easier. Lack of personal contact with him and protecting yourself with written records as I mention above is the best thing. No doubt he will try other ways to get to you but just blank blank blank and try not to react. It's mentally tiring but if you are more organised than him which it sounds like you will be then that's half the battle.