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Original poster

Their dad has gone too far ....

123 replies

Themandme · 17/09/2021 12:00

Please be gentle, I'm really finding this hard.

I don't want this to be a long post so I'll get straight to it.

I do not condone or agree with smacking a child. My ex and I have been split up 4 years. On a few occasions my son (he's 9) has come home and told me his dad has smacked his bum, he's then gone on to make me "pinky promise" I won't say anything to him, so I didn't Sad I want my children to trust me and be able to confide in me, which he did, so I honoured his request to say nothing. Stupid I know, before anyone points that out Sad

Last weekend my son came home and his father has hit him across the face , I'm sick to my stomach. This time my son has asked me to stop him, which is great as finally I can do something about this. I mostly definitely would have done something regardless as this is unacceptable. His dad and I do not get on and he's not a nice person, I'm scared if I go to him with this he will take it out on our son the next time he is with him (every other weekend)

I want to report this. I've been told that it is not illegal to smack your own child in our area until next year! March to be exact!! This is disgusting and ridiculous!

Can I go to a solicitor and threaten no contact if it continues? I can't get through to child protection and was advised by recorded messages to call 999 if a child is in immediate danger. Social services will only act after the 4th report. There's so much focus on abused children, but absolutely no help or advice for children being smacked by their parents!!! Across the face!!!!!!! It's escalated!

Thank you for your time Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Themandme · 24/09/2021 20:35

I really do respect our school and I know it must have been a hard situation so please don't think for a second I'm directing my anger there. I have a good relationship with the school and my children love to go there, so I know they would have done all they could. Them phoning me as soon as their dad contacted them means a lot. I'm just upset and worried.

OP posts:
Magicstars · 24/09/2021 20:36

I'm sorry for your son & you. This sounds like abusive & will be taken seriously.
The thing about SS only acting after four reportings is BS.

MrsRobbieHart · 24/09/2021 20:38

I'm just upset and worried.

Of course you are. It really is a horrible situation. Is this his normal weekend for contact? When would they normally be returned after contact?

Houseofvelour · 24/09/2021 20:55

Put in a formal complaint to social services, the police and the school. All 3 have acted appallingly.
No wonder so many children spend their lives being abused with no escape if this is the way services behave.

I hope you get your children back asap.

Russell19 · 24/09/2021 21:03

Oh gosh OP I really feel for you. Hope this weekend goes quickly and you cuddle your children soon.

HeartsAndClubs · 25/09/2021 09:11

I’m so sorry it’s come to this.

To the people saying that the OP needs to complain etc everyone’s hands would be tied here.

There’s no question that this man is an abusive arsehole, but he hasn’t been convicted of a crime, in fact he hasn’t even been charged with a crime. And SS don’t have the power to essentially refuse to allow someone to see his children off the back of this one incident.

And the fact there is animosity between the parents is only going to make things worse. If he’s abusive then it’s likely he’s going to say that it’s just the OP stirring, and if there hasn’t been previous police involvement it’s impossible to know on their part who is right and who is wrong.

In terms of waiting for the OP to arrive, that would only have made things worse. You would have ended up with distressed children caught between two parents.

This is why it’s so important to have a court order where there’s animosity IMO. As things currently stand he has the exact same rights as the OP. And as much as she could refuse to hand the DC to him and he wouldn’t be able to challenge it because there’s no court order, he could equally refuse to hand the children back, and the OP is powerless to make that happen in the short term.

We can only hope that he at the very least returns the children to school on on Monday and then OP can take it from there.

But the courts need to become involved at this stage.

Staryflight445 · 25/09/2021 16:04

How’s things op?

Did you look into filling the form for court as a previous op suggested before he took them?

Cerebelle · 25/09/2021 16:56

What would normally happen when getting them back? Would ex drop the boys to you? Are you concerned he will try to keep them?

Hugoslavia · 25/09/2021 20:45

Children should get a say in where they go and who they see. They have so little control of their world's. If they said that they didn't want to go with someone because they were scared of them, they absolutely should not have to go with them, but instead meet in a safer venue for short periods of time until they feel at ease, if indeed they ever do. They should get a say in the matter. Your son must be so worried that he will get into further trouble now and no doubt your ex will try to minimise it and end making your son feel bad for getting him into trouble with the police. Hopefully the stern talking to will make him think twice before doing anything like that again.

HeartsAndClubs · 25/09/2021 21:49

While I agree that children should get some kind of say, to say that if the children don’t want to go it should just be allowed to happen is a bit too simplistic.

Many children will say what their parents want to hear, some children will be manipulated, and some children will just say they don’t want to go because they’re happier in one place.

When children are still so young it’s important to consider them but it’s also important to do so away from any parental influence, which is why going through the family courts with input from Cafcas is the best way forward. As hard as that is.

Staryflight445 · 26/09/2021 15:53

Hope you get them returned safely to you today.

RestingPandaFace · 27/09/2021 07:39

@Themandme I was thinking g about you last night. Did he bring them back and are they OK?

Original poster
Themandme · 29/09/2021 10:06

All this has been deemed my fault.

My children came home 11pm Sunday night!!! There was no contact and it was my youngest birthday. It's always been 4pm.
My eldest was violently sick around 11:45 and my youngest has a terrible cough.

The school have said: You need to have a court order in place, so you don't put dad or the school in that position again. How about dad doesn't hit my son again??? (I am going for a court order) ... The school also said if it had of been reported sooner than when dad was due to pick them up, then that would have been better. I reported it to the police a week prior and it had been passed to CID!!! She seemed to think I was doing it to prevent the pick up ... the deputy head also questioned the authenticity of BOTH my children being poorly at the same time!! and she said ... you almost stopped your children going away somewhere nice for the weekend. I'm only thinking of the children.

I'm emotionally exhausted, I've never struggled with my mental health, but I feel defeated and as if I've caused so much inconvenience to everyone. All trying to protect my son as he asked me to do. I just can't cope right now.

Dad admitted to it. My son told a police officer and a social worker. Yet I'm being made to feel like the bad person.

Obviously there's a lot more being said etc. But I just can't deal with it all right now.

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 29/09/2021 10:14

Keep notes OP, a little diary of what happened when so you can come back to it in the future as things are likely to become more complicated as time goes on

Original poster
Themandme · 29/09/2021 12:26

@GingerAndTheBiscuits thank you. I have noted absolutely everything.

The more I think of this, the more I can't see how a court order would benefit my children. What happens next time? We go to court, have our current arrangement set by a judge. Dad hits my boy again and this time by court order I have to hand them over. It doesn't sit right with me. But that's something my solicitor will advise me on tomorrow.

I just wanted to say thank you for all your support & advice. There has been no help or support whatsoever for me anywhere else other than my solicitor, but I pay her so I suppose she has to.

OP posts:
JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 29/09/2021 12:40

You are still doing the right thing.
Don't listen to the schools stupid little annecdotes. You are trying to protect your children. That's the only thing that matters here.
If he hits them again whilst under court order I imagine then you'd be given full custody and he would have supervised visits somewhere neutral.

Babydust13 · 29/09/2021 12:53

I've never been through anything like this but I just wanted to wish you all the best and pass on my amazement at how rubbish the school have been

RestingPandaFace · 29/09/2021 12:54

If you have the energy I would speak to the head about the deputy heads comments. That’s really out of order, they should be supporting you to keep the children safe, not trying to make you feel bad.

LadyDanburysHat · 29/09/2021 13:50

I'm so sorry the school have been so useless. The Deputy Heads comments were outrageous.

whynotwhatknot · 01/10/2021 16:44

so sorry op i think the school are disgusting saying that to you

what did your solictor say

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/10/2021 18:33

[quote Themandme]@GingerAndTheBiscuits thank you. I have noted absolutely everything.

The more I think of this, the more I can't see how a court order would benefit my children. What happens next time? We go to court, have our current arrangement set by a judge. Dad hits my boy again and this time by court order I have to hand them over. It doesn't sit right with me. But that's something my solicitor will advise me on tomorrow.

I just wanted to say thank you for all your support & advice. There has been no help or support whatsoever for me anywhere else other than my solicitor, but I pay her so I suppose she has to. [/quote]
The court order would be to prevent him picking the kids up from school I assume
And would only be granted if they were at immediate risk of harm.
This is something you need to pursue through the police and then family court if you can. If you can do it, refer yourself back to social services.

Sunshinemoose · 22/11/2021 20:24

@Themandme
I know that this thread is a couple of months old but can I ask if anything further came of your situation? I am in a similar situation now and I’m terrified that the police and or children’s devices won’t do anything about it (I’ve had previous bad news experiences with both)

I hope things are better for your son now and I’m so sorry that so many people who were meant to protect him, let him down

Sunshinemoose · 22/11/2021 20:24

*children’s services

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