Nanny compassionate leave

[SB53]

Hi there, our nanny has called over the weekend to say her boyfriend’s Mum has died suddenly. She has said that understandably the whole family is devastated and she needs to help out. As a result she has asked for the entire week off. Would appreciate your views on what is reasonable?

@ISeeTheLight

I'm shocked at the answers here. DP and myself both got 5 days each when we lost relatives (grandparents). For both of us - not just for the "blood relative". Fully paid too.

If you can somehow arrange it give her 5 days, absolutely.

You both work for very gracious companies. A week’s paid leave for grandparents certainly wouldn’t be the norm.

@Summersnake

So a week off for a boyfriend’s mum Not even family ,how long for her own mum ,a month ? I think even asking for more than the funeral off is taking the piss

When my mum died suddenly yes my employer did give me a month off. Not all of it paid, but still.

I would probably need more time off if my partner's mum passed very suddenly than I would for most members of my own family tbf.

I think this possibly depends on how serious a relationship is as well. If it's a boyfriend of 6 months, maybe a week's a bit excessive. 6 years and it's totally different.

I would - as a nanny- take into account how hard she worked during the pandemic? Was she furloughed or worked throughout without a complaint. If she is dedicated and goes above and beyond offer what you can afford (ie- my bosses can’t manage without me, but their work supplies temp nannies or they could easily afford a temp). If you can’t then I would say- I’m sorry for your loss but we can only afford to pay for two days off under these circumstance, then we need to hire a temp for the rest. One or two days for the shock, and a third for the funeral. Be clear in what you’ll allow.

I wouldn’t ask for a week off for partners parents, but some people don’t have parental figures and they’re like parents to them.

Saying this- my grandfather died last week. I haven’t asked for a single hour off and will ask for one day for the funeral - travelling up and back in a day.

You should be helpful but very firm.

She can take unpaid leave with a firm date for her return to work.

So that you can arrange alternative child care for a specified time.

If you supply a car for her use, of course it stays at your place for the replacement to use. If she's a live-in nanny she must understand that the replacement will use her room; so would she kindly come by tomorrow to put away any private/confidential belongings.

How old are your children? Is there a compromise between all she has asked for and just one day? Can you explain that she can only take 1 or 2 days off but that you realise she may be too pre-occupied to do as much as usual - meals might be more along the lines of fishfingers than homemade fish pie, an hour watching nursery rhymes on YouTube might replace a toddler music group, you'll stop by the supermarket on the way home & pick up a few bits rather than ask her to do it during the day.
I always think it is worth working with employees (whether my nanny or those I line manage at work) as they always have the option of taking the time off sick (and can take a week before they need a certificate) or just simply not turn up. By working with them on a solution, I have a better idea of where I stand and where the real issues are. If they just don't turn up, then I've got a real problem on my hands, both immediately as I have to find cover with no notice and in the short/longer term in going through the various procedures.

If she is a live in nanny I dont think you should use her room, it's her home, you wouldn't do that if she was on holiday or in hospital. I do agree though that the car stays with you if you need it for a replacement nanny.

@whatthejiggeries

That's ridiculous I didn't take that long for my own mother. My DHs mother who I've known for twenty years I took two days. She's taking the piss however if you want to keep her you might have to suck it up

Wow.

I would absolutely give it her off. We're humans, not robots. We should allow space for grief and shock.

@ManifestDestinee

The lack of compassion on this thread is absolutely chilling. Honestly, what is wrong with you people? Death matters

Chilling? Dramatic much? For relatives, yes. You get paid time off work when relatives die, not just anyone. You think I should get a week off if my husbands cousins nan dies?

But the op is talking about a partner's parent who suddenly died, not some long list distant relative. My ex partner's parent suddenly died from suicide, do you think being given a single day of CL would have been adequate?

(as in they died when we were together, not when we were separated)

It's very hard but I think two days is reasonable for a non related person.

I'd give it to her if I could find a way. I always found the immediate family rule a bit simple. I was absolutely crushed when my DHs grandfather died. I was far closer to him than some members of my own family.

If you value and want to keep your employee, give her what she needs. Just because she's not a immediate relative doesn't mean they weren't close. What if it was your mother in law or your best friend?

I'm not married, I've been with my partner for nearly 30 years, his mum is like a 2nd mum to me I'd be devastated. My boss would say "take as long as you need"
If he said I have to take time out as unpaid because she's wasn't an immediate relative I wouldn't want to work for him!

I think some of you are being extremely
Mean and cold hearted. When fil died I was fucking devastated.

@2bazookas

You should be helpful but very firm.

She can take unpaid leave with a firm date for her return to work.

So that you can arrange alternative child care for a specified time.

If you supply a car for her use, of course it stays at your place for the replacement to use. If she's a live-in nanny she must understand that the replacement will use her room; so would she kindly come by tomorrow to put away any private/confidential belongings.

my god I have no words. None

@Ducksarenotmyfriends

I would absolutely give it her off. We're humans, not robots. We should allow space for grief and shock.

not according to some posters on this thread. It seems its a badge of honour to continue to work and not have an hour off when bereaved!!

I wouldn’t give her the whole week, bearing in mind that she’ll need another day off after this week for the funeral.

I’d say she could take it as emergency annual leave if she wants to be paid, and if she doesn’t she can have two/three days without pay.

I think your contract is too vague so if you say no she will be upset and you will damage the relationship.
You should say yes for this reason and next time make sure your contract is more precise.
Compassionate leave should be for immediate relatives not her boyfriend's parents which should be a mixture of special leave paid and unpaid and limited to X number of days.
If you say no or negotiate I would expect her to lose some commitment to the role.

Thanks for the advice and posts. I’ve said we will cover mon_wed and that the second half of the week we can manage drop offs so just the after school bits when we are both at work. I have however given the option to take it off if she thinks she needs it and to let us know later in the week.

That sounds very reasonable, OP.

@SB53

Thanks for the advice and posts. I’ve said we will cover mon_wed and that the second half of the week we can manage drop offs so just the after school bits when we are both at work. I have however given the option to take it off if she thinks she needs it and to let us know later in the week.

sounds reasonable enough OP. You have restored my faith in human nature!! Some of these responses had me querying human nature but your common sense and supportive response to your nanny has restored that x

That’s really interesting @SW1amp
I hadn’t thought of it like that, but that’s probably because our nursery has always been very reasonable with sickness related absences and reliable so we haven’t had any issues like you describe. The only rule they have really used is 48 hours after sickness but that would apply to a nanny you employ too.

I barely got a day to go to my grandfather's funeral and that was grudgingly given...

I think the trouble with this issue is that employers have to set some clear parameters which are based on the actual formal relationship and not the closeness/how upset the employee is. Because other employees would demand the same - X got a week off when their friend died so why can’t I (even though we saw each other once in the last ten years)? Sadly too many people cannot be trusted to be honest and fair with how they ask for CL so it requires employers to put black and white boundaries in place which can be consistently applied. So rules like ‘close relatives only’ have to be used to ensure fairness/no piss taking. I do see why people are aggrieved when it works against them but I’m not sure what else large employers of loads of people can actually do?

I work for a large company I have known MIL for over 20 years I wouldn't expect or be entitled to compassionate leave although my boss is kind and would probably overlook the policy so I could go to the funeral paid leave not holiday. I might take some holiday around the death but equally I'd expect dh would be busy and I'd just need to plan to sort the dc alone.

So no I don't think you'd nanny should be taking time off for boyfriends mum. I'd allow paid leave for the funeral. Unpaid leave at best for a week off. It's difficult because if you want to keep her it will alienate her to refuse the time off but the request is a piss take.