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Original poster

Nanny compassionate leave

116 replies

SB53 · 13/09/2021 12:27

Hi there, our nanny has called over the weekend to say her boyfriend’s Mum has died suddenly. She has said that understandably the whole family is devastated and she needs to help out. As a result she has asked for the entire week off. Would appreciate your views on what is reasonable?

OP posts:

Iwonder08 · 13/09/2021 12:55

I would give 2 days only if it is long term boyfriend. Otherwise.. No

Gorl · 13/09/2021 12:56

My workplace would offer me two or three days, so I would offer something in line with that. Most employers wouldn’t give a week unless it was a close, direct relative.

WellTidy · 13/09/2021 12:58

We've had a nanny for 10+ years. For me, it would very much depend on how much we wanted to keep her, and you say that you really do. If you can somehow allow the week, then, in your shoes, I would give it. Or four days, if five is too much. Four days is still generous.

For example, we've had nannies who have had more sick leave than others, turned up late on more than the odd occasion, ben far less'can do' than others. I'd pull out all the stops for a nanny who is reliable, seems committed and would go the extra mile.

Would your employers accept you and your DH taking it in turns to go into the office this week, knowing that you'll be back 'properly' next week?

ditalini · 13/09/2021 12:58

No way would my work give a week of CL for the death of a MIL.

Does she have to travel a long way?

Two days paid leave and the rest unpaid would be a compromise and you could employ agency cover?

whynotwhatknot · 13/09/2021 13:02

It wont take a week to sort things out also shes going to want the funeral off

SquirryTheSquirrel · 13/09/2021 13:02

I think I had 4 days (paid) for my FIL's death but that was mainly needed because I had to travel to the funeral. I'd had no compassionate leave from work in the 10 or so preceding years so I don't imagine there was any question about the reason being genuine.

Gimlisaxe · 13/09/2021 13:07

I think the other important question is how long has she been with the boyfriend?

soughsigh · 13/09/2021 13:08

I wouldn't give compassionate leave for a boyfriend's mum, I wouldn't get that from my work (I think it's only parent, child or spouse I get compassionate leave for).

I would let her take a week's emergency holiday though, if you can cope with that yourself.

readingismycardio · 13/09/2021 13:12

My workplace would give me 3 days, so that's probably what I would do

Adelino · 13/09/2021 13:14

It sounds like whilst she is upset she is more wanting the time off to be there for her boyfriend/ help with practicalities.
Depending on the age of your children could you work out any compromises? Perhaps she just comes in for school pick up and after school childcare. Or if you have younger children too could you allow her to take the baby with her to her bf family home during the daytime so she can be there for everyone?

glitterelf · 13/09/2021 13:16

I'm a childminder and I only had 2 days off when my Mil passed last year. That was one day to arrange the funeral and one to attend. Being SE I know I could have taken longer but I didn't want to impact the families that use my services.
I would definitely offer 2 days minimum as know one knows the dynamics of how close she was to her BF mum or if he has support from other family members.

cadburyegg · 13/09/2021 13:17

I would offer 3 days

Knittingupastorm · 13/09/2021 13:18

Or if you have younger children too could you allow her to take the baby with her to her bf family home during the daytime so she can be there for everyone?

Don’t do this! If my mother suddenly died I wouldn’t want my brother’s girlfriend turning up with a random baby.

Couchbettato · 13/09/2021 13:21

Yes I would offer unpaid and hire a temp like PPs suggest. It may cost a bit more than usual but it secures her job, and shows that you're a compassionate employer which are hard to come by these days.

itsgrand · 13/09/2021 13:28

my god have a heart people!!!
She has specifically asked for a week. I would give her it to her no problems if she is ordinarily a good reliable nanny. I would consider giving it to her with full pay if possible, or if not possible I would consider paying her 2 days and letting her choose if she wanted the other 3 days as holiday or unpaid leave.

drpet49 · 13/09/2021 13:32

A week to help with practicalities is taking the mick. How much time will she want off for the funeral then?

Jumpingintosummer · 13/09/2021 13:34

I’m assuming you have already replied if she messaged over the weekend?

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 13/09/2021 13:36

Sadly this is why a nanny or childminder is a lot less reliable than a nursery. I know a nanny offers a lot of pluses but I can’t imagine relying on one person for my childcare if both DH and I worked and it wasn’t easy just to take time off at the drop of a hat. I wouldn’t give a week off for this but the trouble is she has already asked so obviously thinks it’s reasonable. Is this going to taint the relationship going forwards? People on MN always seem completely at the mercy of unreasonable behaviour from nannies they’re desperate not to lose. I just don’t see the appeal of being put in this sort of situation.

Joystir59 · 13/09/2021 13:36

If it was your nanny's mum that had died, absolutely I'd give her a week off. Not for her boyfriend's mum unless there are exceptional circumstances.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 13/09/2021 13:37

@Knittingupastorm

Or if you have younger children too could you allow her to take the baby with her to her bf family home during the daytime so she can be there for everyone?

Don’t do this! If my mother suddenly died I wouldn’t want my brother’s girlfriend turning up with a random baby.

Agreed! This is one of the most inappropriate and bonkers things I’ve ever seen suggested on MN and that’s saying something.

Wroxie · 13/09/2021 13:38

If my father died, I probably wouldn't hear about it and if I did I certainly wouldn't need time off work. If any one of a number of aunties (not all blood relatives), friends, cousins, or in-laws died, I'd be devastated and would probably need time off to deal with the immediate fallout plus time for the funeral and any travel required. Maybe your nanny thinks of her in-law like a mum or maybe her partner needs extra help and can't be left alone. Do you really want her looking after your children while she's so stressed about her parter and/or emotionally bereft for herself? I wouldn't. I'd also do anything I could to help her out because I'm a decent human.

People here (and companies) who have strict rules about "only immediate blood relations" when it comes to compassionate time off should be ashamed of themselves.

MindyStClaire · 13/09/2021 13:41

I know it's not normal to give compassionate leave for in-laws, but IMO it should be. When my dad died my DH was no more able to work than I was due to travel and small children etc. I know those circumstances aren't the case for every family but I think supporting your spouse through a close bereavement is a normal thing to want to do.

If it's a long-term boyfriend more akin to a husband rather than someone she's just started seeing, I'd do your best to allow her the time off. Life interrupts our plans sometimes, and she will be grateful you did so.

TiredButDancing · 13/09/2021 13:42

I consider myself a pretty reasonable and compassionate employer but I'd find it very hard to give a week's leave at zero notice for a boyfriend's mother. And definitely not paid. I might allow it, unpaid, on the basis that there's no point having an extremely resentful, upset person looking after my children.

Personally, I'd be suggesting 1-2 days (paid) and agreed flexibility over the next few weeks with planning. eg, the funeral is unlikely to be this week so with a few days notice, absolutely no problem to take the day for the funeral, and additional days if needed to travel etc. Similarly, perhaps a shorter day because help is needed at the funeral home or whatever.

Potteringshed · 13/09/2021 13:43

I think it’s difficult – you don’t know what the relationship between the two of them was or how she died. I once had a member of staff who’s aunt was murdered, under extremely unusual and horrifying circumstances. Technically she wasn’t meant to get compassionate leave for an aunt (immediate family only) but the whole set up was utterly terrible, and featured a lot of police involvement, and press intrusion, and so the company ended up giving her quite a lot of time off work because it was just clear she was not going to be able to work.

You’ll know your nanny and the circumstances more. I think if she was very close to the MiL (living in the same house or something) or if the circumstances were bad (suicide, or something similar), and if I liked and trusted the nanny and she was normally good and reliable, I’d try and push the boat out a bit.

MindyStClaire · 13/09/2021 13:43

People here (and companies) who have strict rules about "only immediate blood relations" when it comes to compassionate time off should be ashamed of themselves.

Absolutely.

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