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Original poster

Nanny compassionate leave

116 replies

SB53 · 13/09/2021 12:27

Hi there, our nanny has called over the weekend to say her boyfriend’s Mum has died suddenly. She has said that understandably the whole family is devastated and she needs to help out. As a result she has asked for the entire week off. Would appreciate your views on what is reasonable?

OP posts:
SW1amp · 13/09/2021 13:45

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Sadly this is why a nanny or childminder is a lot less reliable than a nursery. I know a nanny offers a lot of pluses but I can’t imagine relying on one person for my childcare if both DH and I worked and it wasn’t easy just to take time off at the drop of a hat. I wouldn’t give a week off for this but the trouble is she has already asked so obviously thinks it’s reasonable. Is this going to taint the relationship going forwards? People on MN always seem completely at the mercy of unreasonable behaviour from nannies they’re desperate not to lose. I just don’t see the appeal of being put in this sort of situation.
We actually found the opposite

The nursery 24hr rule after every sniffle and poo made it completely unworkable for me, and I think about 95% of my colleagues

In 3+ years of having nannies, mine have called in sick about 5 times, and I had reciprocal agreement with friends where our nannies covered each other
We also had childcare throughout lockdowns when nurseries were shut

Compassionate leave is really quite rare, baby and toddler illnesses that bar them from nursery for days at a time are very common!

tickledtiger · 13/09/2021 13:55

If she thinks a week is reasonable you should probably trust that she was close to the bf’s mum or possibly the Bf is completely on the brink and she needs to be there to support him.

I doubt I would get CL for such a death at my work though.

tuttifruit · 13/09/2021 14:00

My boyfriend's father died this year very suddenly and unexpectedly. We are not married but have been together a long time and hadn't experienced loss of this kind before. My employer gave me 2 days paid leave (1 of these was for the funeral) which I am grateful for. However I am slightly resentful for not being able to have the week off work because my head was elsewhere and I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted with everything that was going on.

spooney21 · 13/09/2021 14:02

I think a week is asking a lot for a boyfriends parent but if she's been with you 2 years you should know about her close relationships? Will the funeral be within that week (where I live people are buried within 3 days) or will that be at a later date? Is there travelling to do?

When my MIL passed I took that day and the day after, and the day of the funeral. I was on placement so couldn't really take more time off. My dh welcomed having time on his own to grieve with me out at work and dc at nursery. I know that everyone else is different though. I think you need to base it on what you know about your nanny.

Summersnake · 13/09/2021 14:06

So a week off for a boyfriend’s mum
Not even family ,how long for her own mum ,a month ?
I think even asking for more than the funeral off is taking the piss

Starfish1021 · 13/09/2021 14:07

If you like her and want to keep her, I would be giving it. Trying to balance drop off and pick ups with my partner. It’s such a unique relationship and not like employing an officer worker.

I would however, offer it as annual leave or unpaid after the first day or two.

eurochick · 13/09/2021 14:08

I think a week is quite a bit as she will probably also (reasonably) want the day of the funeral too.

As a nanny employer the decider would be how easy it would be to juggle this week. Do you (you=both parents) have enough leave to cover? Do you have anything unavoidable?

Flump9 · 13/09/2021 14:09

I take it most of the people replying haven't lost their own parents yet. Don't you think you'd want the support of your partner with you when they do? Yes it's not her relative but she wants to be there to support her boyfriend! At least 3 days I'd say.

OnlyFlans · 13/09/2021 14:11

Legally she is entitled to a 'reasonable' amount of (unpaid) time off to deal with an emergency situation involving a dependent.

In my experience of working in HR - a week off re death of boyfriends mother would be deemed generous.

seven201 · 13/09/2021 14:20

@Flump9

I take it most of the people replying haven't lost their own parents yet. Don't you think you'd want the support of your partner with you when they do? Yes it's not her relative but she wants to be there to support her boyfriend! At least 3 days I'd say.
I lost my mum when I was early 30s. My husband didn't take any time off, but she did die on a Saturday evening so I had Sunday with him. Although I do think everyone is different.

If it were my work I'd probably be allowed one day off (paid I think) and probably but not definitely then the funeral off (unpaid) but I work in a school.

whatthejiggeries · 13/09/2021 14:26

That's ridiculous I didn't take that long for my own mother. My DHs mother who I've known for twenty years I took two days. She's taking the piss however if you want to keep her you might have to suck it up

itsgrand · 13/09/2021 14:28

@whatthejiggeries

That's ridiculous I didn't take that long for my own mother. My DHs mother who I've known for twenty years I took two days. She's taking the piss however if you want to keep her you might have to suck it up
I am shocked at the coldness of this.
ManifestDestinee · 13/09/2021 14:37

What would you get from your company..?

Nothing. Boyfriends mother is not a relation.

rainbowstardrops · 13/09/2021 14:39

Hmm a tricky one. Does she usually ask for/take time off sick or is she very reliable and an absolute asset? Also, how long has she been with her boyfriend?
If either of you are able to work from home then I'd probably try to accommodate it but a week for someone who's not immediate family is quite a lot I think, especially as she'll want the funeral day off as well.
My dad died 3 weeks ago and one of my DBs were given 2 days CL + funeral and has to use any more as annual leave. My CL clause says 5 days + extra at discretion. Neither of us are absolutely relied upon though.
I personally think a week is asking a lot, unless of course the boyfriend is an only child and needs support sorting things.

Sightlinesandsolutions · 13/09/2021 14:40

The lack of compassion on this thread is absolutely chilling. Honestly, what is wrong with you people? Death matters.

Please allow her the flexibility she needs.

ISeeTheLight · 13/09/2021 14:42

I'm shocked at the answers here. DP and myself both got 5 days each when we lost relatives (grandparents). For both of us - not just for the "blood relative". Fully paid too.

If you can somehow arrange it give her 5 days, absolutely.

Whoopy1 · 13/09/2021 14:50

For a mil or fil standard time off is 1 day, with most companies (nhs, council included), so most she should really get is 1 day plus funeral.

Stopyourhavering64 · 13/09/2021 14:50

I got 5 days compassionate leave for my mother's death ( however also took 1 week A/L as had to arrange funeral 350 miles away, then back to work )

Got 1 day for MIL and FIL ( for funeral) I work for NHS
A week for bf mum is v generous

Knittingupastorm · 13/09/2021 14:51

@ISeeTheLight

I'm shocked at the answers here. DP and myself both got 5 days each when we lost relatives (grandparents). For both of us - not just for the "blood relative". Fully paid too.

If you can somehow arrange it give her 5 days, absolutely.

Your company gave you 5 days paid leave when your partner’s grandparent died? I’m genuinely shocked at that (not shocked like I think they shouldn’t have, just like I’m really really surprised to hear any company would)
itsgrand · 13/09/2021 14:51

@ISeeTheLight

I'm shocked at the answers here. DP and myself both got 5 days each when we lost relatives (grandparents). For both of us - not just for the "blood relative". Fully paid too.

If you can somehow arrange it give her 5 days, absolutely.

I'm pretty shocked as well. So sad some of these cold responses.
ManifestDestinee · 13/09/2021 14:52

The lack of compassion on this thread is absolutely chilling. Honestly, what is wrong with you people? Death matters

Chilling? Dramatic much? For relatives, yes. You get paid time off work when relatives die, not just anyone. You think I should get a week off if my husbands cousins nan dies?

Whoopy1 · 13/09/2021 15:00

@Flump9

I take it most of the people replying haven't lost their own parents yet. Don't you think you'd want the support of your partner with you when they do? Yes it's not her relative but she wants to be there to support her boyfriend! At least 3 days I'd say.
Actually, I have lost both my parents.

For my dd I was on maternity leave, but my dh got 1 day off for the funeral!

For my dm I got 3 days carers leave, to be with her whilst she died, then 3 days bereavement when she did die! If I had had any carers leave within the previous 12 months I wouldn’t have got any time other than the 3 days bereavement.

A week for a bf’s mother is a lot.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 13/09/2021 15:26

@itsgrand

my god have a heart people!!! She has specifically asked for a week. I would give her it to her no problems if she is ordinarily a good reliable nanny. I would consider giving it to her with full pay if possible, or if not possible I would consider paying her 2 days and letting her choose if she wanted the other 3 days as holiday or unpaid leave.
It is all well but you are assuming OP can easily afford to pay her nanny + pay for alternative short term childcare which is expensive. Or use her AL so her nanny doesn’t have to use hers.

I’m not even sure most companies would give any paid time off for a boyfriend’s relative passing, why expect an individual employer to be more generous?!

itsgrand · 13/09/2021 15:29

because if you pay attention on MN good nannies are like gold dust!!

FleasInMyKnees · 13/09/2021 15:36

I wouldnt pay her for a whole week off, what's the alternative though, she comes in and is not really concentrating and is easily distracted and on her phone all lhe time. I would reply you are sorry to hear the news, can she call you on Wednesday for a catch up, ask if there is anything you can do to help. In a couple of days the family may be managing without her help.