How to ask people to leave the parenting up to me?

[crapcrap]

How would you approach the conversation of "please don't tell my child off and leave it to me?" without sounding rude/ unappreciative/ fed up.

My dd is 6. Well behaved so I don't usually have to do much telling off etc. Usually just a "please don't do xyz" however we have people in our lives that tend to overstep and speak on my behalf and tell her what to do/ what not to do.

I've been with my partner for just under a year and he's starting to tell her etc. Most of the times he says anything it's little and I wouldn't say anything, but she gets quiet upset as she feels she's being told off. It frustrates me as I can discipline perfectly fine- I think he's just trying to help but I need to nip it in the bud.
We're a long distance relationship and he's not around much due to this so for her to be "told off" by him it's upsetting.
Her dad isn't in her life and she doesn't have a male disciplinarian in her life so she takes it to heart.

How can I gently ask him to stop?

I'd say it almost exactly how you put it here. "DP, I've been thinking. When you told DD off earlier, I could see she felt very sad that she had disappointed you. She is a good kid, but no one is perfect. I'd prefer it if you leave most of the discipline to me, because I really want you two to get along and you don't see much of her so it will damage the bond you're forming if you get angry with her. I think we'll get a better response from hee this way. Would you agree to try it my way, what are your thoughts?"

Have you said anything to your partner about overstepping the line or have you just stood by and let him tell off your child where you don't think it's appropriate so far?

You need to be the assertive role model for your daughter. A quick "that's enough DP" next time he interferes and then privately repeat "do not parent my child, that is my job. If it is a good healthy relationship it won't be a hard conversation.

@PennyWus

I'd say it almost exactly how you put it here. "DP, I've been thinking. When you told DD off earlier, I could see she felt very sad that she had disappointed you. She is a good kid, but no one is perfect. I'd prefer it if you leave most of the discipline to me, because I really want you two to get along and you don't see much of her so it will damage the bond you're forming if you get angry with her. I think we'll get a better response from hee this way. Would you agree to try it my way, what are your thoughts?"

That's a really good way of putting it. Thank you x

@thesplashing

Have you said anything to your partner about overstepping the line or have you just stood by and let him tell off your child where you don't think it's appropriate so far?

You need to be the assertive role model for your daughter. A quick "that's enough DP" next time he interferes and then privately repeat "do not parent my child, that is my job. If it is a good healthy relationship it won't be a hard conversation.

You're right I do need to be assertive. I do struggle with it. He hasn't really told her off to the point where I think he's gone too far, because then I would step in. However I just needed help phrasing it as I feel I have to tread carefully.

I think you do need to tread carefully. I am afraid if my partner told me I wasn't able to appropriately attend to his child's poor behaviour in the house in which I live, I would be moving out. Equally, I would be annoyed if he didn't tell my kids off for naughty behaviour if I happened not to be in the room or didn't notice it etc.

Horses for courses in parenting approaches of course (not saying I'm right and you are wrong), but this might negatively impact on how he sees your relationship going forward

Ah OP, I've just seen you are in a long distance relationship and not living together, so scratch what I said completely! Hope the conversation goes well for you. It's tricky!

@Restlessinthenorth

I think you do need to tread carefully. I am afraid if my partner told me I wasn't able to appropriately attend to his child's poor behaviour in the house in which I live, I would be moving out. Equally, I would be annoyed if he didn't tell my kids off for naughty behaviour if I happened not to be in the room or didn't notice it etc.

Horses for courses in parenting approaches of course (not saying I'm right and you are wrong), but this might negatively impact on how he sees your relationship going forward

He doesn't live with us. We've been together for almost a year and doesn't know her well enough yet to be in a position to be telling her off, especially as the things he comments on etc. are things I wouldn't discipline

@Restlessinthenorth

Ah OP, I've just seen you are in a long distance relationship and not living together, so scratch what I said completely! Hope the conversation goes well for you. It's tricky!

Oop I answered too quickly lol.. Yes it is difficult! If he were living with us then of course he'd have a say as he'd be under the same roof! But yes, I'll be treading carefully no matter what I do lol

Not his place. At all. He doesn’t live with you, he’s not her parent. How much time have they spent together?

I wouldn’t go softly on this, I’d be wondering who the fuck he thinks he is and why he feels he has any right to tell your young child off.

Doesn’t bode well.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Not his place. At all. He doesn’t live with you, he’s not her parent. How much time have they spent together?

I wouldn’t go softly on this, I’d be wondering who the fuck he thinks he is and why he feels he has any right to tell your young child off.

Doesn’t bode well.

It's the odd comment here and there eg. Sitting at the table and she had made a rock look like a hedgehog as our pet hedgie had just died, he took moved it out of reach and said "we don't play at the table"- on this instance I did say no it's okay, but I just feel I need to tell him to stop now before it does go any further etc.

I get he's trying to help (?) but she is very sensitive and takes things to heart.
She knows him and likes him, but she gets very upset very easily with new/ newish people as she then thinks they think she's naughty which they don't. I then have to do big cuddles and a lot of reassuring that no one thinks she's naughty etc. So it would just be easier if he didn't get involved right now

Why do you have to be “gentle” with him. He’s an adult overstepping the mark, you can be totally straightforward.

'People in your lives that discipline her'.... so not just your partner? Many people believe it takes a village to raise a child... And see adult involvement as good.

Have you asked these people what they think of your DD behaviour? Others may not see her behaviour the same way.... She is obviously your child to discipline as you feel fit however you need to consider where you want relationship with DP to go... As PP said if eventually live or holiday together and he can't discipline your child you may build up a problem...

Doesn't have a male disciplinarian in her life'... Perhaps time she did as she will eventually have a male teacher or alike... so better to get used to the fact adults, be they male or female, may need to tell her off. She does need to get used to this, as do you.....

@happytoday73

'People in your lives that discipline her'.... so not just your partner? Many people believe it takes a village to raise a child... And see adult involvement as good.

Have you asked these people what they think of your DD behaviour? Others may not see her behaviour the same way.... She is obviously your child to discipline as you feel fit however you need to consider where you want relationship with DP to go... As PP said if eventually live or holiday together and he can't discipline your child you may build up a problem...

Doesn't have a male disciplinarian in her life'... Perhaps time she did as she will eventually have a male teacher or alike... so better to get used to the fact adults, be they male or female, may need to tell her off. She does need to get used to this, as do you.....

My family do tend to get involved a lot, we're a very close family so they see it as helping. We've had our ups and down with that but I pull them up on it. Her only other male role model is my dad (her grandad) who doesn't discipline- he barely did when we were children.

She is a well behaved child, you may think I'm bias but her teachers and everyone who meet her always give her the highest praise. She is a very kind, polite child and like I said I don't normally have to say anything to her, it may just be the odd reminder. No one is perfect but for a 6 year old she is pretty damn good.

I've got no problem with people telling her off when it's necessary. The issue I'm having is that he is picking her up on things that I wouldn't, and aren't a big deal.

@SparklingLime

Why do you have to be “gentle” with him. He’s an adult overstepping the mark, you can be totally straightforward.

I find it difficult to have conversations like these. He will most likely be absolutely fine but I hate the thought of bringing something like this up

I wouldn’t be pussyfooting and being all “please don’t” to my boyfriend.
I’d be telling him quickly and sharply NOT to check my child. It is not his place!
If we broke up over it then he was a dick anyway for treating my child like that in her own home and over stepping his boundaries.

To be honest I think you are being a bit over sensitive - you made the decision to bring someone into her life after a relatively short time and also whilst being in a long distance relationship - so you must think there is something in this partnership? Do you intend for him never to say anything to her? And therefore teach her that when he ask/tells her do something it is of less value/importance than when you do it?

Children do tend to find male figures more authoritative just because they are physically more imposing and their voices louder/deeper and at age 6 she could also be using appearing upset to her advantage especially if she hasn't ever really had a male figure in her life

Have you talked with her and explained that just because he asks her to do something / not do something he isn't telling her off/ disciplining her?

"We don't play at the table."? Red flag. It's not his table. It's yours and your DD's. Sounds controlling.

Is he used to having children around, and has a different style of parenting to you or does he just know know how to go about it ?

Do you intend this relationship to be long term? If so at some point you are going to have to let him do some parenting. As pp said you brought this man into her life - and introduced her into his life. Although you don’t live together I presume he comes to stay? Rather than telling him it’s not his place or asking him to button it, how about sharing your ideas about parenting with him and talking it all through. Ask him to be on the same page as you basically.

I find @twinningatlife’s post disturbing, especially the suggestion that your DD is being manipulative.

This guy isn’t her stepdad or even resident. @crapcrap, Prioritise DD over any concerns you have about a difficult conversation.

@twinningatlife

To be honest I think you are being a bit over sensitive - you made the decision to bring someone into her life after a relatively short time and also whilst being in a long distance relationship - so you must think there is something in this partnership? Do you intend for him never to say anything to her? And therefore teach her that when he ask/tells her do something it is of less value/importance than when you do it?

Children do tend to find male figures more authoritative just because they are physically more imposing and their voices louder/deeper and at age 6 she could also be using appearing upset to her advantage especially if she hasn't ever really had a male figure in her life

Have you talked with her and explained that just because he asks her to do something / not do something he isn't telling her off/ disciplining her?

It's not that he can't say anything to her- it's the things he picks her up on are so insignificant that it just upsets her for no reason. If she did something that warrants a telling off then yes she would be told but I am around when these things happen so I would be the one to do the discipline. With the way it is at the moment when he's here we're always together- this is why I'm asking for suggestions how to approach it without sounding like I'm criticising him.

He doesn't have children of his own and so at the moment doesn't really know how to approach it so in her eyes I can understand why she gets upset. When she gets upset she doesn't sit and whale or anything- she takes herself off and cries quietly. It's only because I know her that I know how she'd react. She then gets a lot of cuddles and reassurance that he's only trying to help me etc. And that she's not naughty etc.

Although it's not really important- I was with him previously (7-8 years ago) and only split as we were getting very serious, very young so it's not like he's a complete stranger that I willynilly introduced.

@SparklingLime

I find *@twinningatlife*’s post disturbing, especially the suggestion that your DD is being manipulative.

This guy isn’t her stepdad or even resident. @crapcrap, Prioritise DD over any concerns you have about a difficult conversation.

To be honest, I thought the same about @twinningatlife's comment- she's not a manipulative child.

I just wanted some suggestion of how I could phrase it without sounding like I'm being a bitch or criticising him.

You need to be blunt with him about it. Tell him that there is behaviour you accept from your DC that he may not like, but it is not his place to raise this. TBH, I don't think this relationship has got any legs. He clearly has a different opinion on how kids should behave and if MN is anything to go by it will all end in tears.

I frequently have family butting in with my kids. Mainly siblings who don't even have kids myself. I am blunt and tell them to stop undermining me. Because that is what they are doing.

@MissyB1

Do you intend this relationship to be long term? If so at some point you are going to have to let him do some parenting. As pp said you brought this man into her life - and introduced her into his life. Although you don’t live together I presume he comes to stay? Rather than telling him it’s not his place or asking him to button it, how about sharing your ideas about parenting with him and talking it all through. Ask him to be on the same page as you basically.

How would you approach it though?

I understand what you're saying, and agree but hoooow do I approach it and introduce the conversation without sounding like I'm starting an issue etc.

It seems to me that the problem is more that he has different expectations than you. He is enforcing "rules" that aren't actually rules in your household, like "don't okay at the table", do she is getting told off when she had no idea it was wrong. I can see how that would be upsetting to a sensitive child.

I would explain that to him. If there are things that particularly bother him, for example you allow running around indoors but he hates it, then it's fair that he inputs into the house rules if he's half-living there. (Not if he's still an occasional visitor). Then you can have a chat with DD, introduce it as a new rule, and give her a chance to get used to it, so that she doesn't get told off without knowing the unwritten rule in the first place.