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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

How to ask people to leave the parenting up to me?

94 replies

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 13:49

How would you approach the conversation of "please don't tell my child off and leave it to me?" without sounding rude/ unappreciative/ fed up.

My dd is 6. Well behaved so I don't usually have to do much telling off etc. Usually just a "please don't do xyz" however we have people in our lives that tend to overstep and speak on my behalf and tell her what to do/ what not to do.

I've been with my partner for just under a year and he's starting to tell her etc. Most of the times he says anything it's little and I wouldn't say anything, but she gets quiet upset as she feels she's being told off. It frustrates me as I can discipline perfectly fine- I think he's just trying to help but I need to nip it in the bud.
We're a long distance relationship and he's not around much due to this so for her to be "told off" by him it's upsetting.
Her dad isn't in her life and she doesn't have a male disciplinarian in her life so she takes it to heart.

How can I gently ask him to stop?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MMMarmite · 31/08/2021 16:10

*play not "okay"!

SparklingLime · 31/08/2021 16:10

Setting boundaries for the treatment of your Dd isn’t being a bitch!

“Please can you leave any discipline to me. I’m there all the time, it’s confusing and inconsistent for her if you do so in the times when you’re here”

Original poster

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 16:10

@PepsiHoover

You need to be blunt with him about it. Tell him that there is behaviour you accept from your DC that he may not like, but it is not his place to raise this. TBH, I don't think this relationship has got any legs. He clearly has a different opinion on how kids should behave and if MN is anything to go by it will all end in tears.

I frequently have family butting in with my kids. Mainly siblings who don't even have kids myself. I am blunt and tell them to stop undermining me. Because that is what they are doing.

That's quite a leap! 99% of the time there is no issue with the relationship or her behaviour. It's literally been a few comments that I want help in a way to approach the conversation so I don't sound like I'm criticising him etc. I find it quite amusing that you've reached such a conclusion with the very little information you have

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families General parenting

SparklingLime · 31/08/2021 16:11

You sound very wary of him, OP. Can you say why? How do you think he will react?

Original poster

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 16:11

@MMMarmite

It seems to me that the problem is more that he has different expectations than you. He is enforcing "rules" that aren't actually rules in your household, like "don't okay at the table", do she is getting told off when she had no idea it was wrong. I can see how that would be upsetting to a sensitive child.

I would explain that to him. If there are things that particularly bother him, for example you allow running around indoors but he hates it, then it's fair that he inputs into the house rules if he's half-living there. (Not if he's still an occasional visitor). Then you can have a chat with DD, introduce it as a new rule, and give her a chance to get used to it, so that she doesn't get told off without knowing the unwritten rule in the first place.

Yes I agree, I'm beginning to get a good idea of how I can approach it with both of them. Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 16:13

@SparklingLime

You sound very wary of him, OP. Can you say why? How do you think he will react?

It's not him I'm wary of. I'm generally very cautious about things like this due to her biological dad. I do like to think of other people's feelings too and I think I could potentially be quiet hurt if I was trying to help and found out I was doing the opposite

OP posts:

SparklingLime · 31/08/2021 16:16

Is he trying to help though? Or is he trying to assert control? Or just being irritable?

Ninkanink · 31/08/2021 16:19

He absolutely should not be telling your daughter what she can and cannot do. It doesn’t really matter whether or not his feelings would be hurt, tbh.

Original poster

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 16:20

@SparklingLime

Is he trying to help though? Or is he trying to assert control? Or just being irritable?

I think he is only trying to help x

OP posts:

Ninkanink · 31/08/2021 16:21

Pp is right, you shouldn’t need to pussyfoot around him...just tell him that as he’s not your daughter’s father, and as it’s your home and any rules are decided by you, he doesn’t need to make comments or try to ‘help’.

SparklingLime · 31/08/2021 16:23

In what way? How do his comments this help you or her?

Ninkanink · 31/08/2021 16:25

I absolutely wouldn’t stand for it, tbh.

How many times has he actually met your daughter? You hardly know him, if you’ve been together less than a year and it’s a LDR. Who does he think he is??

Original poster

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 16:26

@SparklingLime

In what way? How do his comments this help you or her?

I think in his eyes he's helping support me. I can't answer why he does it, but it doesn't come from a malicious place or trying to upset her. He tries to help out as much as he can which is super sweet but sometimes it's not as helpful as he thinks

OP posts:

Ninkanink · 31/08/2021 16:28

Ok just read that you were together when you were young.

Still doesn’t mean you actually know him. And honestly I’m a little concerned that your well behaved daughter is taking herself off to cry and you seem to be more concerned about offending him with criticism...he should be criticised, it’s absolutely not his place to start telling off, instructing or otherwise commenting on what you’d daughter does.

Moonface123 · 31/08/2021 16:28

He's not showing much empathy if she had just lost her pet hedgehog.
I think this is going to be a problem because your too worried about upsetting him. This does need to be nipped in the bud.
I absolutely wouldn't have been able to stand having another man in my home trying to discipline my children, that's why l always kept things completely seperate, so much easier all round.

Original poster

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 16:29

@Ninkanink

I absolutely wouldn’t stand for it, tbh.

How many times has he actually met your daughter? You hardly know him, if you’ve been together less than a year and it’s a LDR. Who does he think he is??

I was with him years ago. We split up because we were super young and getting very serious. I then met her dad, got pregnant, got married, got divorced, was by myself for 4 years then we reconnected.

So it's not like I don't know him.

I'm literally just asking for helpful ways I can approach a conversation, I'm not looking to bash him or question our relationship.

OP posts:

SparklingLime · 31/08/2021 16:29

You’re too focussed on him and his intentions. Shift your focus to what you and your daughter need and want.

Original poster

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 16:30

@Ninkanink

Ok just read that you were together when you were young.

Not at all- you've completely misunderstood what I've said. She's my first priority and always will be. I just don't want to upset him in the process.

OP posts:

Original poster

crapcrap · 31/08/2021 16:32

@SparklingLime

You’re too focussed on him and his intentions. Shift your focus to what you and your daughter need and want.

I do but I'm also still going to take his feelings into consideration aswell.

OP posts:

Ninkanink · 31/08/2021 16:33

No, I’ve not misunderstood. And I’m not trying to be harsh or to ‘bash him’ either. Sorry if it comes across that way.

It’s very early days for him to be around your daughter and I don’t think it’s good that you’re afraid of upsetting him.

SparklingLime · 31/08/2021 16:34

Why would he be upset? Unless he’s a prickly character. You’ve had a few suggestions of words to use. Throughout this thread you do sound very concerned about his reaction, tbh I would say overly concerned.

Ninkanink · 31/08/2021 16:34

@SparklingLime

Exactly. Any reasonable person would be fine with this conversation.

RacistAngst · 31/08/2021 16:36

The thing is you might well always have differences in how you parent her.

The one with the stone/hedgehog is a good example. You think it’s fine for her to have the stone at the table. Other parents might well think it’s a toy and has no place there.
It doesn’t mean he is wrong or doesn’t know what to do/how to handle the situation. What it means is that you are doing things differently.

And you still will if/when you will move together. How will you be handling that then? No excuse that he isn’t there all the time so ‘he doesn’t know’. But still some difference in parenting her.

FinallyHere · 31/08/2021 16:36

I agree that a breezy 'this is no biggie' approach (please leave the parenting to me, I make the rules so it's only fair that I am the one to have to enforce them) is the way to go here.

That is much better than building up in your own mind that his feelings are going to be hurt by reminding him, however gently, that it's really pretty straightforward.

Your house, your rules.

This light, breezy approach covers the fact that he has no business making up rules which he then enforces in your house. If he would like to introduce a new rule, he needs to get your agreement first. You are top dog here.

If he can't deal with that, then he has no business spending time around your daughter.

The sooner you find out the better whether he can deal with that.

SparklingLime · 31/08/2021 16:38

@finallyhere has a good approach.

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