How to ask people to leave the parenting up to me?

[crapcrap]

How would you approach the conversation of "please don't tell my child off and leave it to me?" without sounding rude/ unappreciative/ fed up.

My dd is 6. Well behaved so I don't usually have to do much telling off etc. Usually just a "please don't do xyz" however we have people in our lives that tend to overstep and speak on my behalf and tell her what to do/ what not to do.

I've been with my partner for just under a year and he's starting to tell her etc. Most of the times he says anything it's little and I wouldn't say anything, but she gets quiet upset as she feels she's being told off. It frustrates me as I can discipline perfectly fine- I think he's just trying to help but I need to nip it in the bud.
We're a long distance relationship and he's not around much due to this so for her to be "told off" by him it's upsetting.
Her dad isn't in her life and she doesn't have a male disciplinarian in her life so she takes it to heart.

How can I gently ask him to stop?

There are a few things to unpack here. The first is I suspect he is a bit unsure what your expectations are of him and how he fits in to this little girls life - he may feel pressure to be the male role model with some disciplining. He isn’t used to it so is unsure what the boundaries are. You need to communicate with him what you expect from him (basically Disney uncle type fun at this point), what your dd’s boundaries are, what his boundaries are, and what he should do if he isn’t sure. I think he’s probably just trying to work it out but his emotions aren’t as easy for you to read

Afraid to defend your child.

So what.. he takes offense and dumps you? His loss

@NowEvenBetter

If his feelings are hurt by you advocating for your child, that’s a him-problem. Not your problem to manage or fix. I agree with PPs who notice the focus being on this boyfriend when it should be entirely on your kid.

This thread isn't about how I deal with my child. It's about how I approach a conversation that I'd like some ideas about

You do need to tell him straight out that he’s not to make up rules. Don’t be too gentle about it. Be firm and decisive, because he really shouldn’t be doing that. How many time has he met her? How many times has he been to your home?

@SoundBar

Afraid to defend your child.

So what.. he takes offense and dumps you? His loss

Absolutely. However it's not about defending her, it's about approaching the conversation

@Sittingonabench

There are a few things to unpack here. The first is I suspect he is a bit unsure what your expectations are of him and how he fits in to this little girls life - he may feel pressure to be the male role model with some disciplining. He isn’t used to it so is unsure what the boundaries are. You need to communicate with him what you expect from him (basically Disney uncle type fun at this point), what your dd’s boundaries are, what his boundaries are, and what he should do if he isn’t sure. I think he’s probably just trying to work it out but his emotions aren’t as easy for you to read

Yeh I completely agree. I think we need to have a talk about what's what etc.

@Keladrythesaviour I was and until I realised why you were calling a child "littlecrapcrap"!

@Ninkanink

You do need to tell him straight out that he’s not to make up rules. Don’t be too gentle about it. Be firm and decisive, because he really shouldn’t be doing that. How many time has he met her? How many times has he been to your home?

He comes to stay once a weekend every month and we travel back to where he lives (as thats where I'm from) and we see him several times during that visit (as we stay with family rather than him)

The we dont play at the table comment is a massive red flag.
Your table.
At my table we eat drink, do homeork, chat, paint, board game, go on laptops, bake, do lego, when younger play with characters eg hedgehog rock, craft.
No table is so precious that family life cant occur. My dad was quite precious about furniture but when my mum passed it was all sent to dump! Most furniture ends this way.

Ok. So it’s waaaaay too early for him to think he even gets to have an opinion, never mind playing parent like that. I mean it was always going to be way too early so I don’t really know why I asked, except it’s quite effective to say, hang on, he’s been to your house less than 12 times and he thinks he gets to talk about rules?

Wishing you well.

@Boatonthehorizon

The we dont play at the table comment is a massive red flag. Your table. At my table we eat drink, do homeork, chat, paint, board game, go on laptops, bake, do lego, when younger play with characters eg hedgehog rock, craft. No table is so precious that family life cant occur. My dad was quite precious about furniture but when my mum passed it was all sent to dump! Most furniture ends this way.

I assumed the OP meant during a meal time? I think it's relatively common for families to have a "no toys at the table during mealtimes" rule... Though obviously it's fine not to as well.

It may be that he is just enforcing the rules that he was taught as a child, without thinking it through.

It’s a red flag to me too. Sorry @crapcrap as I know you probably don’t want to hear that. I might be wrong, of course. But do watch very carefully how he behaves with her from now on. Any sign of not taking your position seriously and I’d stop his visits to your home. If you want to be in a relationship with him you can still do that without involving your daughter.

It does sound like he’s trying to help you in a parenting role. He may think this is what you expect of him or he may have ideas on parenting that you don’t agree with. I think he should be told it’s not his role and it’s ok fir him to be the ‘fun’ male as he’s not in residence. Explain what your idea of his role should be for now as you want dd to be relaxed around him and not looking for his approval or worried about being her 6 yo self on the weekends you see each other. He may be relieved

[quote MMMarmite]@Keladrythesaviour I was and until I realised why you were calling a child "littlecrapcrap"!

[/quote]

I find it very hard to understand, if I’m honest.

I wouldn’t go into someone else’s home and start telling their children what ‘we’ don’t do.

Why on earth does he think that’s helping op? I’m not convinced. A lot of men seem to think they’re automatically head of the household.

* You're right I do need to be assertive. I do struggle with it. *

When it comes to your daughter and a long distance relationship of a mere year (so presumably not very present in her life)
You need to get assertive. And pronto.

@AuntLydiasNewHairdo

"We don't play at the table."? Red flag. It's not his table. It's yours and your DD's. Sounds controlling.

Absolutely was the first thing I thought, too. Ditto the OP saying she doesn't like difficult conversations. The right wrong sort of guy would take advantage of that lack of assertion.

You have no problem with telling people what to do on this thread, so apply the same to the boyfriend. Ffs.

I'd just say 'thanks, I've got this' to shut it down. On repeat til it stops.