How to ask people to leave the parenting up to me?

[crapcrap]

How would you approach the conversation of "please don't tell my child off and leave it to me?" without sounding rude/ unappreciative/ fed up.

My dd is 6. Well behaved so I don't usually have to do much telling off etc. Usually just a "please don't do xyz" however we have people in our lives that tend to overstep and speak on my behalf and tell her what to do/ what not to do.

I've been with my partner for just under a year and he's starting to tell her etc. Most of the times he says anything it's little and I wouldn't say anything, but she gets quiet upset as she feels she's being told off. It frustrates me as I can discipline perfectly fine- I think he's just trying to help but I need to nip it in the bud.
We're a long distance relationship and he's not around much due to this so for her to be "told off" by him it's upsetting.
Her dad isn't in her life and she doesn't have a male disciplinarian in her life so she takes it to heart.

How can I gently ask him to stop?

He’s not the child’s parent. It is not his place to parent her. If her mother feels it’s fine for her child to play at the table, in her home, then her opinion stands no matter what some man she happens to be attracted to thinks.

If he doesn’t like it he really has to lump it.

Even if it becomes a long term relationship and they move in together it still doesn’t change anything. He is not the child’s parent. He can advise op if she asks, or give his opinion if invited, but he shouldn’t be making rules or ruling the roost in respect of someone else’s child.

@Ninkanink @SparklingLime
My concerns don't lie with him. Her dad was abusive towards me and I have been diagnosed with PTSD- I am still having therapy (CBT) because of it and I am generally very very wary and anxious about conversations.

@FinallyHere

I agree that a breezy 'this is no biggie' approach (please leave the parenting to me, I make the rules so it's only fair that I am the one to have to enforce them) is the way to go here.

That is much better than building up in your own mind that his feelings are going to be hurt by reminding him, however gently, that it's really pretty straightforward.

Your house, your rules.

This light, breezy approach covers the fact that he has no business making up rules which he then enforces in your house. If he would like to introduce a new rule, he needs to get your agreement first. You are top dog here.

If he can't deal with that, then he has no business spending time around your daughter.

The sooner you find out the better whether he can deal with that.

Yes I agree with that. Especially the conclusion.

@FinallyHere

I agree that a breezy 'this is no biggie' approach (please leave the parenting to me, I make the rules so it's only fair that I am the one to have to enforce them) is the way to go here.

That is much better than building up in your own mind that his feelings are going to be hurt by reminding him, however gently, that it's really pretty straightforward.

Your house, your rules.

This light, breezy approach covers the fact that he has no business making up rules which he then enforces in your house. If he would like to introduce a new rule, he needs to get your agreement first. You are top dog here.

If he can't deal with that, then he has no business spending time around your daughter.

The sooner you find out the better whether he can deal with that.

Thank you. I do agree

I’m very sorry to hear that.

I’m going to suggest, kindly (I mean that, I’m not being horrible!), that it is likely way to early to have another man at home with you and your daughter. Please be careful. Not because he’s going to be a bad man, but because you and your daughter have been through a lot already.

*too

@RacistAngst

The thing is you might well always have differences in how you parent her.

The one with the stone/hedgehog is a good example. You think it’s fine for her to have the stone at the table. Other parents might well think it’s a toy and has no place there.
It doesn’t mean he is wrong or doesn’t know what to do/how to handle the situation. What it means is that you are doing things differently.

And you still will if/when you will move together. How will you be handling that then? No excuse that he isn’t there all the time so ‘he doesn’t know’. But still some difference in parenting her.

I completely agree. It will be completely different when he moves in as he'll be a constant in her life. We usually agree on the majority of things and usually on the same page so it's just having the chat to make sure we're both on the same one, but the anxiety of bringing up the chat is big for me just incase due to previous experiences.

@Ninkanink

I’m very sorry to hear that.

I’m going to suggest, kindly (I mean that, I’m not being horrible!), that it is likely way to early to have another man at home with you and your daughter. Please be careful. Not because he’s going to be a bad man, but because you and your daughter have been through a lot already.

Absolutely, I agree with you in that I will be careful. It wasn't a decision I made lightly to bring him into our lives. He began as friend years ago, which then turned into a relationship. He knows about our experiences and knows I am god awful at bringing up issues or my concerns but he is a very decent guy and would be mortified if he realised he'd upset her.

But there’s the problem - if he’s going to join in family life, he needs to be able to take the fact that he’ll get it wrong at times on the chin. Mortification is not an appropriate or healthy response.

I'm sorry but I would dump him. You don't live together and have only been in a relationship for a year. He sounds controlling.

Then I’d say follow what’s been suggested above. Keep it breezy but make it clear you do not need and do not appreciate that kind of ‘help’.

And please trust your instincts - even if he’s not a terrible man he may not be the right man to bring in permanently, or it may not be right for you and your daughter right now. Keep strong, keep confident.

@twinningatlife

To be honest I think you are being a bit over sensitive - you made the decision to bring someone into her life after a relatively short time and also whilst being in a long distance relationship - so you must think there is something in this partnership? Do you intend for him never to say anything to her? And therefore teach her that when he ask/tells her do something it is of less value/importance than when you do it?

Children do tend to find male figures more authoritative just because they are physically more imposing and their voices louder/deeper and at age 6 she could also be using appearing upset to her advantage especially if she hasn't ever really had a male figure in her life

Have you talked with her and explained that just because he asks her to do something / not do something he isn't telling her off/ disciplining her?

What a disturbing post. Are you actually suggesting that a six year old child is manipulating her mother by pretending to be upset when her mother’s boyfriend, someone she hardly knows, oversteps the mark and disciplines her for stuff her mother in fine with?

In your home and in your parenting you must always be boss. Top dog, as pp put it. If he can’t or won’t accept that then he’s not good for you or your daughter.

@SparklingLime

But there’s the problem - if he’s going to join in family life, he needs to be able to take the fact that he’ll get it wrong at times on the chin. Mortification is not an appropriate or healthy response.

And he most likely will just take it on the chin. I will be taking the comments into consideration and will have take it from there.

If anything goes on from there then I will be able re-evaluate.

@RedBonnet

I'm sorry but I would dump him. You don't live together and have only been in a relationship for a year. He sounds controlling.

How on earth does he sound controlling? It sounds like he's trying to participate in their lives but doesn't realise he's over stepped the OPs comfort zone.

@Ninkanink

Then I’d say follow what’s been suggested above. Keep it breezy but make it clear you do not need and do not appreciate that kind of ‘help’.

And please trust your instincts - even if he’s not a terrible man he may not be the right man to bring in permanently, or it may not be right for you and your daughter right now. Keep strong, keep confident.

I will do, thank you for your comments.

The one thing I know is that I will do whatever is right for her. No one else comes close.

@Keladrythesaviour yes this!
This is exactly it!
He doesn't realise that his help isn't helpful- he's not trying to be controlling

I feel like you are caretaking his emotions for him and being overly worried about his response/potential hurt at any hint of feedback or criticism. I’m not sure why, but worth looking at.

You just seem more concerned with his potential ‘mortification’ than with your daughter’s confusion and upset at being told not to do things that have always been allowed in her own house, OP.

I think the most concerning thing is that you seem to be pussyfooting around his feelings, rather than saying ‘Actually, WE are fine with playing at the table, boyfriend’ at the time.

@SparklingLime

I feel like you are caretaking his emotions for him and being overly worried about his response/potential hurt at any hint of feedback or criticism. I’m not sure why, but worth looking at.

Yes, I agree.

[quote crapcrap]@Keladrythesaviour yes this!
This is exactly it!
He doesn't realise that his help isn't helpful- he's not trying to be controlling [/quote]
Intention is way less important than impact.

If his feelings are hurt by you advocating for your child, that’s a him-problem. Not your problem to manage or fix. I agree with PPs who notice the focus being on this boyfriend when it should be entirely on your kid.

I'm so sorry about the ptsd 💐

I don't think that this needs to be an argument. You can say gently to him that it's confusing and upsetting her having two different people enforce their own rules. As a previous poster suggested, you can emphasize that you want the two of them to build a strong relationship, and for now that means that he should leave rules to you, and just be a fun person in her life.

I can see why people's alarm bells are ringing that that you are scared to confront him. But equally that might be because you are extremely conflict adverse, rather than that he is abusive. I think it's really important to have these very gentle "conflicts" to test the relationship out - a good partner would accept this calmly, a bad partner would blow up, take offense or ignore your request.

[quote crapcrap]@Keladrythesaviour yes this!
This is exactly it!
He doesn't realise that his help isn't helpful- he's not trying to be controlling [/quote]
Maybe try something like:
Me and littlecrapcrap have been so enjoying having you around, it's been so lovely to see your relationship grow with her. I am a bit concerned it's perhaps going a little fast though, I know she looks up to you a lot and she's finding the small criticisms hard to take, so can I ask you leave those kind of things to me (give example of the hedgehog) so she knows where she stands and your relationship is all positive for now?

@PallasStrand

You just seem more concerned with his potential ‘mortification’ than with your daughter’s confusion and upset at being told not to do things that have always been allowed in her own house, OP.

I think the most concerning thing is that you seem to be pussyfooting around his feelings, rather than saying ‘Actually, WE are fine with playing at the table, boyfriend’ at the time.

In that instance I did say "no actually it's okay" and it was fine.

This thread isn't about how I deal with my daughter- we have talked about it and I've explained that he's not trying to tell her off etc. She is always my priority, no one else.
This thread is about finding a way that I can say it easier which I will take the comments that have been made and I will apply them