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Parenting

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Original poster

Mum shamed

86 replies

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 00:18

I feel so upset I’ve just been mum shamed.

My dd is 20 months old and always been a great sleeper. She had a tummy bug and bad cold for the last couple of weeks but been fine the last week. However she has got in the habit of waking during the night.
I’m trying to leave her (knowing she is perfectly fine and safe to resettle herself however my neighbour has just come out a d asked if any one is going to do anything about that crying child! I feel like the worst mum ever and now have her downstairs (absolutely fine as there is nothing wrong with her) and I’m too scared to put her to bed as she will scream again and wake the neighbours. I’ve never felt so awful and judged!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/08/2021 00:23

How long do you leave her?

I’m not sure she was trying to shame you, maybe more annoyed that she was being woken up a lot during the night? If I got woken up by screaming night after night I might say something to the neighbours too- not to ‘mum shame’ you but you to make you aware that i was having my sleep disturbed.

Original poster

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 00:31

It’s been going on a few hours now, stopping and starting as she is absolutely fine every time we go in.
This is the first night it has been this bad, other nights it’s been maybe half an hour then she settles.
I just think there is better ways of raising it.

OP posts:

SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/08/2021 00:33

So she’s basically screaming at various intervals and your neighbour can hear it all?

I think you actually need to be a bit more understanding of your neighbour.

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NatriumChloride · 30/08/2021 00:42

You’ve hardly been mum shamed. She’s not complaining about your parenting. She’s just letting you know (in a rather obtuse way) that her sleep is being disturbed. It is late and if the disturbance has been continuous it must be really annoying for her. Can’t you co sleep with her for tonight until she’s better? Maybe day time naps are a better time to allow her to resettle herself and get back into the swing of things.

hahahayoumustbejoking · 30/08/2021 00:44

Forget the neighbour tonight if you can. If DD is usually a great sleeper then this will settle again but maybe for now extra cuddles and cosleeping is required.

When you feel stronger, then politely tell the neighbour your child was crying as she is ill.

TheChip · 30/08/2021 00:44

Whenever I was trying to establish a sleep routine, I would let the neighbours know. I would just tell them that l was trying a new sleep routine and it may not go down too well. If it's too much then please let me know, but hopefully after a couple of days all will be well!

My advise would be to not take it as a mum shaming moment, and more so from somebody tired and frustrated. Try and have a talk with her, apologise and let her know what you are trying. She may not mind once she knows, and she could get ear plugs to use for a couple of days if need be.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2021 00:54

A few hours? Sorry, but regardless of the reason, it's no wonder your neighbour is irritated.

simitra · 30/08/2021 01:00

Buy your NDN some ear plugs.

B1rthis · 30/08/2021 01:07

You're sleep training a baby. It's illegal in some countries and extremely damaging to the stress hormones of a developing small person.
Your baby is responding very healthily, reaching out for a care giver to help them navigate through their waking. If an adult communicated and you ignored until they cried people would comment too.

somuchcoffeeneeded · 30/08/2021 01:08

Your baby needs your help to settle and your neighbour needs sleep.

twinningatlife · 30/08/2021 01:10

Hours?

Yes you should feel mum shamed - it's Sunday night many people still have work tomorrow and you're letting your child cry all night. Yes children cry but you're taking the piss

idontlikealdi · 30/08/2021 01:10

It's
Not mum shaming ffs.

Your kid is crying and disturbing the neighbours.

NatriumChloride · 30/08/2021 01:15

@B1rthis

You're sleep training a baby. It's illegal in some countries and extremely damaging to the stress hormones of a developing small person. Your baby is responding very healthily, reaching out for a care giver to help them navigate through their waking. If an adult communicated and you ignored until they cried people would comment too.

Oh, give over already. YOU’RE precisely the sort of mum shamer that the OP doesn’t need. The baby is 20 months old - almost 2. There’s no evidence to show sleep training is harmful. And besides, this thread isn’t about sleep training so if you have nothing relevant to say then go away.

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 30/08/2021 01:17

You've left your not even 2 year old crying for "a couple of hours"?

TheChip · 30/08/2021 01:34

@ThatsNotMyReindeer

You've left your not even 2 year old crying for "a couple of hours"?

OP has stated that baby is fine every time they go in. Theyre not leaving her to cry, but trying to help her resettle as she was before she was poorly.

ChronicallyMe · 30/08/2021 01:35

I don’t think that’s “Mum shaming” really? She was complaining about the noise as you’ve had a baby crying on and off for hours which is ridiculous. I’d be fuming if you were my neighbour.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 30/08/2021 01:39

It was 12 when you posted and it had already gone on for a couple of hours. She's obviously not sleeping. Neither is the neighbour, which is why they knocked on your door.

AndAroundAgain · 30/08/2021 01:44

It does seem quite weird that you’re just leaving your child to cry. Sounds like she needs you?

NatriumChloride · 30/08/2021 01:48

She’s not leaving her child to cry. She’s not left her child to cry for a couple of hours. Read the OP, FGS. She’s going in each time her child wakes up and her child settles before it starts up again later.

Gemma2019 · 30/08/2021 03:09

@NatriumChloride

It actually says on and off for "a few" hours not a couple of hours.

Alpenguin · 30/08/2021 03:14

Maybe your child needs you? You cannot spoil a child, there are no rods for backs in ensuring they stay settled. There are definitely brownie points in not pissing off the neighbour who clearly felt they had cause to come and speak to you. The generally doesn’t happen after a 10minute grumble.

Maybe your technique doesn’t work for your child, it certainly doesn’t work for neighbour relations.

Original poster

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 06:22

Just to clarify I was not leaving my child to cry for a few hours. From around 10 she woke up and was unsettled. My husband and I were both checking her, cuddling her, offering her a drink etc during this time. I knew she was fine as far as I could tell as she was smiling/laughing every time we were with her. She just didn’t want to sleep. Unfortunately she needs to sleep - for her own good. By staying with her and cuddling her or even co sleeping with her I knew she wouldn’t go to sleep.
Leaving her to cry in between is an absolute last resort. I also have a 4yo so the last thing I want is him wakened too.

My point is not that my neighbour said anything, it’s the way and tone of ‘is nobody going to do anything about that baby’ I felt shamed as if she thinks we have just left her to cry.
I ofcourse would apologise if my child is keeping anyone awake but this is not a regular occurance and I just think when we are already stressed a little understanding would have helped.
She is retired and not up for work this morning but I know that’s not the point.

OP posts:

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 30/08/2021 06:23

Its not mum shaming, your neighbour is really annoyed because of the disturbed sleep.

rattlemehearties · 30/08/2021 06:27

Did your neighbour say that directly to you? Did you not reply "yes we are in the room with her, she's having a bad night" or similar?

I don't know where this phrase mum shaming comes from but it doesn't sound like it applies to this scenario. You already said you had a partner so if wasn't directed at just the mum anyway.

LaBellina · 30/08/2021 06:28

You have gotten some pretty nasty responses here OP. I understand your situation, as difficult as it is, try not to take your neighbors comment personally. Anyone with a bit of empathy would have said this to you in such a harsh way, perhaps she had a bad day but still. Just try your best to keep the baby calm, the way you see fit and remember in some countries, like Germany, a crying baby / child is acceptable noise, legally and she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if she complained. In fact, she would be seen as the problem if she complained. Babies do cry and sometimes parents can’t stop them, if I had been your neighbor I would have offered help (and bought myself some earplugs) instead of being so nasty.

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