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Parenting

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Original poster

Mum shamed

86 replies

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 00:18

I feel so upset I’ve just been mum shamed.

My dd is 20 months old and always been a great sleeper. She had a tummy bug and bad cold for the last couple of weeks but been fine the last week. However she has got in the habit of waking during the night.
I’m trying to leave her (knowing she is perfectly fine and safe to resettle herself however my neighbour has just come out a d asked if any one is going to do anything about that crying child! I feel like the worst mum ever and now have her downstairs (absolutely fine as there is nothing wrong with her) and I’m too scared to put her to bed as she will scream again and wake the neighbours. I’ve never felt so awful and judged!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LaBellina · 30/08/2021 06:29

Would NOT have said, sorry !

ReeseWitherfork · 30/08/2021 06:33

On the odd occasion, my NDN 2.5 year old cries incessantly and I do find myself thinking "has anyone actually checked he's ok?!". It's easy to block out the gaps when he isn't crying, where I'm sure they must be going in to him. Isn't there some sort of evolutionary response where women need to respond to a crying child? So your NDN is probably more put out then if it was something like loud music playing. Hearing one cry for hours, intermittently or continuously, is pretty much always going to lead to this kind of response IMO.

Shockedatthesystem80 · 30/08/2021 06:35

You've not been mum shamed. You've just been complained at. I sympathise though, my DD went through the most terrible night terrors a few months back, I was at my wits end.. I'm end of terrace, but I text my neighbour saying I was sorry and just to bear with me.. They were absolutely fine. Perhaps better communication on both sides is needed.

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ReeseWitherfork · 30/08/2021 06:40

Just try your best to keep the baby calm, the way you see fit and remember in some countries, like Germany, a crying baby / child is acceptable noise, legally and she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if she complained. In fact, she would be seen as the problem if she complained. Babies do cry and sometimes parents can’t stop them, if I had been your neighbor I would have offered help (and bought myself some earplugs) instead of being so nasty.

Its legally acceptable noise in the UK, it's seen as normal day-to-day living and not antisocial behaviour, doesn't mean it's not freaking annoying, especially if it's been going on all evening.

If my neighbour offered to help with my crying kid in the middle of the night then I'd have been more offended than if they made an off the cuff comment like this.

Miniroofbox · 30/08/2021 06:42

She didn’t mum shame you. She complained. Because your crying baby has been keeping her awake

Original poster

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 06:46

Maybe mum shaming was the wrong term. I just felt so terrible and like such a rubbish mum last night. I still feel really upset about it and am already dreading bedtime tonight.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 30/08/2021 06:49

I didn’t say that it’s not annoying @ReeseWitherfork and I also didn’t say that neighbor should go there in the middle of the night to offer help .
Those are your words, not mine.

I think a little kindness goes a long way and the way the neighbor approached OP wasn’t necessary. Being hostile doesn’t help the OP and anyone with half a brain can realize that. Esspecially if it’s the first time this has happened and neighbor has never complained to OP before.

LaBellina · 30/08/2021 06:50

Would it help @Lioness21 to pop over to neighbor with a bottle of wine or some flowers and explain to them the situation and you felt really bad after she complained to you this morning because you’re really trying your best to stop the crying ?

Miniroofbox · 30/08/2021 06:51

To be fair, the wee one has been crying at night for a few nights. Not for as long, but this isn’t the first night.

Fubitch · 30/08/2021 06:52

Just take control of the situation. Apologise to neighbour, perhaps with a bottle of wine, say she's been ill and has got out of her sleep routine and you're trying to reestablish it. Reassure her the child is being checked on and is fine.

We did it and it took 3 to 5 nights. Never had a problem after. These are not young babies.

I take it you can't swap bedrooms around?

LaBellina · 30/08/2021 06:53

Swapping bedrooms around might also be a good idea.

ReeseWitherfork · 30/08/2021 06:58

@LaBellina alright, calm down. Sorry if I misinterpreted you saying "I'd have offered to help" as you suggesting neighbours should be offering to help. All I'm saying is that if my neighbour came to me (at whatever time of day!) and said "your kid has been crying in the middle of the night, would you like me to help with that" then I'd be mortified.

Billandben444 · 30/08/2021 06:59

Don't feel a rubbish mum, you're not. Go round later and have a chat with neighbour - tell her baby's been poorly and not sleeping as well as usual and you're sorry their sleep has been disturbed (say this and sincerely mean it!) and then leave it and try and relax. Living next door to a baby means broken nights unfortunately and they can always buy earplugs. Your baby will pick up on your anxiety 💐

LaBellina · 30/08/2021 07:00

[quote ReeseWitherfork]@LaBellina alright, calm down. Sorry if I misinterpreted you saying "I'd have offered to help" as you suggesting neighbours should be offering to help. All I'm saying is that if my neighbour came to me (at whatever time of day!) and said "your kid has been crying in the middle of the night, would you like me to help with that" then I'd be mortified.[/quote]
Actually I would have loved that and taken the offer because I know how overwhelming childcare and sleepless nights are.
But I have a very lovely elderly lady neighbor who loves my DC and always brings him stuff snd told me countless times to not worry about the noise. But I appreciate everyone is different and perhaps you’re right, if you’re not that close to your neighbor it might feel akward.

DiddyDiddums · 30/08/2021 07:04

@B1rthis It's illegal in some countries and extremely damaging to the stress hormones of a developing small person

Seriously?! Can you back this WILD statement up with some proof please? Illegal? 😂 What total utter bollocks.

mrsbitaly · 30/08/2021 07:10

Don't be so hard on yourself I have a 20 month old and when she is poorly she is unsettled and it's a nightmare.

With my now 9 year old when she was like this when she was younger and poorly I brought her into my bed and that's where she stayed for 7 years and just wouldn't stay out of my bed so I learned from the first time not to do that.

I would knock on your neighbours door when they are home and just say I'm really sorry you had an unsettled night and that your child is poorly and you were having problems settling her.

She probably said it rudely and she was narked and tired just as I'm sure you were feeling tired going in each time she cried.

Don't take it personally and ignore the people that don't have anything nice to say.

Sorrycantreadtest · 30/08/2021 07:18

If the neighbour has been motivated enough to come and complain, I suspect the noise has really got to her. If I felt I needed to go to my neighbours in the middle of the night, I'm not sure I would be able to hide my irritation, especially if this had been going on for several nights. Just because someone is elderly, doesn't mean it is easy to cope with disturbed sleep.
I don't know what the solution is and I know OP is trying to get things back on track, but I also have sympathy with the neighbour.

merryhellbrokeloose · 30/08/2021 07:19

@B1rthis

You're sleep training a baby. It's illegal in some countries and extremely damaging to the stress hormones of a developing small person. Your baby is responding very healthily, reaching out for a care giver to help them navigate through their waking. If an adult communicated and you ignored until they cried people would comment too.

Illegal?

The child is 20 months which is a toddler

cultkid · 30/08/2021 07:20

Way too long

Cuddle her she needs comfort not you to leave her to cry this is horrible to read and I'm very thick skinned

When I'm frightened I want help immediately not when someone else thinks I've tried for long enough not to be frightened

merryhellbrokeloose · 30/08/2021 07:22

@ReeseWitherfork

Its legally acceptable noise in the UK, it's seen as normal day-to-day living and not antisocial behaviour, doesn't mean it's not freaking annoying, especially if it's been going on all evening.

If my neighbour offered to help with my crying kid in the middle of the night then I'd have been more offended than if they made an off the cuff comment like this.

The ndn shouldn't have said anything.

Hellocatshome · 30/08/2021 07:25

People who have had their sleep disturbed and are very tired are not great at phrasing things in a nice way I wouldn't get too hung up on the way she said it.

ReeseWitherfork · 30/08/2021 07:28

@merryhellbrokeloose Possibly. I don't disagree with that. I was only responding to someone else that said she'd have offered to help.

Airyfairymarybeary · 30/08/2021 07:33

I would be distressed if I was your neighbour. Why do people think it’s ok to leave a baby crying in a room on their own?! Babies don’t need to be taught a lesson, they need the comfort that they are seeking.

Window1 · 30/08/2021 07:37

@Airyfairymarybeary

I'm sorry to say as I don't want you to feel any worse than you already do but I agree with this poster. I cannot abide hearing a child upset, whether it's whilst trying to sleep or being in a shop or anywhere. It is distressing to hear, I'm sure it would have been even more so for you as it is you own child. My personal instinct would be to comfort that child.

Justgettingbye · 30/08/2021 07:40

Tbh if it's one night I'd say the neighbour should get over herself but if it's been a few then I can see why she would be frustrated.

When we lived in a terraced house with paper thin walls i tried to attend to the baby quickly to try and keep noise low but it sounds like you're going in intervals anyway. I guess she might be crying loudly rather than it just being that noise when they grumble before they drop off which seems like she needs something else. Maybe try and get out in the day lots of stimulation so it makes her tired for the night and show her that nights are for sleeping again. I personally wouldn't cosleep either.

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