Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Mum shamed

86 replies

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 00:18

I feel so upset I’ve just been mum shamed.

My dd is 20 months old and always been a great sleeper. She had a tummy bug and bad cold for the last couple of weeks but been fine the last week. However she has got in the habit of waking during the night.
I’m trying to leave her (knowing she is perfectly fine and safe to resettle herself however my neighbour has just come out a d asked if any one is going to do anything about that crying child! I feel like the worst mum ever and now have her downstairs (absolutely fine as there is nothing wrong with her) and I’m too scared to put her to bed as she will scream again and wake the neighbours. I’ve never felt so awful and judged!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

merryhellbrokeloose · 30/08/2021 07:42

@Airyfairymarybeary

I would be distressed if I was your neighbour. Why do people think it’s ok to leave a baby crying in a room on their own?! Babies don’t need to be taught a lesson, they need the comfort that they are seeking.

My ndn's baby often screams during the night. Yes it's horrible and fucking annoying but I don't go around there because it's none of my business.

Toddlers need nudging into settling themselves and they will protest 'cry' on and off because they want their own way.

Op said they were in and out offering reassurance, so the kid doesn't feel abandoned or whatever anyone else is saying.

tickledtiger · 30/08/2021 08:12

how is this not mum shaming? If the neighbour said something along the lines of “is nobody going to do anything about that child” that’s a dig at OP, not surprised she felt ashamed. It’s how it’s worded.

We’ve all had to visit the neighbours at some point to ask them to keep the noise down, you don’t need to lash out, you should be polite.

polishthatfloor · 30/08/2021 08:18

I've been woken almost every night for weeks around 3am by my neighbour's 1 year old who they are currently leaving to cry, to learn to self soothe. The crying can go on for 15/20 mins and they'll either see to him or he'll settle himself but then start again shortly after. I can't comment on their strategy as I chose to co sleep when my child went through a waking spell but realise that's not for everyone. I'm going through menopause and the interrupted sleep is taking its toll. Ear plugs haven't worked. A number of neighbours are experiencing the same thing. I'm willing the weather to cool so they close his bedroom window. It's a tough one but I am starting to feel irritated by my broken sleep

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families

thesplashing · 30/08/2021 08:22

She could be more courteous by buying some earplugs and gently having a convo with you the next day asking if everything is alright.

You could be more courteous by closing the windows and taking more steps to stop the crying. Take baby downstairs for a quiet play to tire her out then bed/ book and bottle again to ease her back into the sleep routine.

In the early days my dc had horrible colicky screams for hours on end whilst we frantically rocked, fed and soothed, luckily it was winter so all our windows were closed. Our neighbours have been nothing but lovely after watching us wheel crying dc up and down the road of an evening to try an calm her. A little understanding on both sides is needed.

Incywinceyspider · 30/08/2021 08:33

I'm sorry this happened. DS is a bit older and last night was screaming for hours because he was teething and generally unwell. Even when I was holding him it made zero difference. If the neighbours had come round I would have passed him over saying "you try!"

RussianSpy101 · 30/08/2021 08:39

Agree with @Airyfairymarybeary and @Window1

I actually think it was good she was checking up on your baby. I would be concerned if I heard a young baby crying on and off for a few hours.
It’s all well and good saying she needs to sleep but if, as you say, she was smiling and laughing when you went in, you knew she wasn’t going to sleep when you left her and she was obviously crying because she wanted her mum. I don’t think you should’ve let this go on for hours.

110APiccadilly · 30/08/2021 08:43

@B1rthis

You're sleep training a baby. It's illegal in some countries and extremely damaging to the stress hormones of a developing small person. Your baby is responding very healthily, reaching out for a care giver to help them navigate through their waking. If an adult communicated and you ignored until they cried people would comment too.

@B1rthis In what countries is sleep training illegal?

Dozer · 30/08/2021 08:46

Not ‘mum shaming’.

Understandable that your neighbour is pissed off about the noise. She just didn’t express that tactfully.

AliceW89 · 30/08/2021 08:54

‘Mum shaming’ is the systematic, often misogynistic judgement of woman for parenting choices they make that have no impact on wider society. Vaginal or c section delivery, breastfeeding or formula feeding, purée vs baby led weaning…the list goes on. Trying to limit noise overnight is basic manners really, although it is really bloody hard with a baby/toddler who doesn’t get that. Your neighbour definitely could have been a bit kinder.

As a PP said, when DS was colicky we sent biscuits and a note to the house attached to ours. They were very understanding. Might be worth a shot to keep the peace, especially if you want to continue with sleep training.

grey12 · 30/08/2021 08:54

@twinningatlife

Hours?

Yes you should feel mum shamed - it's Sunday night many people still have work tomorrow and you're letting your child cry all night. Yes children cry but you're taking the piss

Sorry, but this.

Hours is not ok. Trust me, I've done and have BIG regrets. Don't try to be the mother of that baby that comes in the baby books and is perfect and settles very well. Your baby may be still unwell. You need to take it slowly. Try a different approach. What I tend to do is sit just outside the door and say good night/love you.... (leave a pillow.....) until they fall asleep and then leave. But my kids are a little older, haven't tried it at that age

MilkCereal · 30/08/2021 08:55

I think sometimes you have to be flexible to your child. Baby crying on and off for a few hours isnt good for anyone. Not sure why you wouldnt pick up and keep her with you?

m0therofdragons · 30/08/2021 09:00

This isn’t mum shaming, this is a neighbour at the end of their tether from broken sleep. This is lack of awareness of your impact on others shaming. Just lay next to dd stroking her nose or patting her chest until she’s settled. Being unwell can be really scary when it’s new feelings so she just needs your reassurance. She won’t be needing it forever. I can never understand the determination to create “easy” bed times without settling the child. It doesn’t last forever.

Original poster

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 09:04

Believe me I tried every approach last night!
I’m really not sure what more I could have done other than give in to her and let her stay up all night watching cartoons (which is exactly what she wanted!)

OP posts:

Eclairesarethebest · 30/08/2021 09:06

It's not mum shaming. End of the day your neighbour heard your child crying for hours while you left them.
Why you left them for hours is beyond me. You should of sat with them and tried to resettle. You don't leave a distressed child for hours. I would be pissed off too getting broken sleep for a neighbours child too.

PalmsandCharms · 30/08/2021 09:09

How on earth is it 'mum shaming'? What even is 'mum shaming'?

Try to put yourself in your neighbours position. Why should everyone else put up with your crying child? I'd be annoyed too.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/08/2021 09:11

So it’s either screaming or watching cartoons?

Original poster

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 09:15

@Eclairesarethebest

It's not mum shaming. End of the day your neighbour heard your child crying for hours while you left them. Why you left them for hours is beyond me. You should of sat with them and tried to resettle. You don't leave a distressed child for hours. I would be pissed off too getting broken sleep for a neighbours child too.

I didn’t leave her for hours. Please read my post properly before you respond.

OP posts:

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 30/08/2021 09:16

@SmidgenofaPigeon

So it’s either screaming or watching cartoons?

Dont be so pedantic.

Goldenfan · 30/08/2021 09:47

I never understand leaving such young children to cry so they 'settle'. I understand you said you were going in and out but obviously if this was going on for hours its not appropriate or helpful for your baby. Maybe I'm the wrong person to comment because I find it really hard to listen to my children cry and always respond to them. I work with children and the consensus among professionals is that quickly responding to children in a gentle reassuring way is best for their mental and physical health. I know its not easy and its tiring. 20 months is still so young. In most other cultures co sleeping and responsive parenting is the norm. I can see points of view of others who want their children to settle alone and do this through crying but I don't understand it.

I do feel for your neighbor to be honest op. My ndn dog used to bark and bark and I think this is similar. Its a constant and distressing noise. I do think you have been a bit selfish here.

grey12 · 30/08/2021 10:11

@Lioness21

Believe me I tried every approach last night! I’m really not sure what more I could have done other than give in to her and let her stay up all night watching cartoons (which is exactly what she wanted!)

By what you said, you have been VERY lucky indeed with this baby. So let me tell you you didn't try much last night at all. You did something for 5min and gave up. We've all done that

Since your baby usually sleeps well, try my technique. It's a in-between technique. You put her back to bed if she gets up but if she stays in bed, you're near her but just outside the door. And you can easily leave when she falls asleep it might take an hour or two. It may take a few days for her to not complain anymore. But it works and they don't feel abandoned. It's ok to speak a little to them: good night, go to sleep, i love you, I'm here

Hope it goes better tonight

happydays2345 · 30/08/2021 10:14

I'm with the neighbour.

Mollymalone123 · 30/08/2021 10:21

I would pop a note through the neighbour’s door just to explain what has been happening-I had exactly the same issue years ago with my DD -it took a week of putting her back to bed consistently but she stopped crying-I gave quick kiss cuddle and left the room-I didn’t talk to her as that kept it going longer.please don’t feel bad-you’re doing your best!

KimDeals · 30/08/2021 10:28

@Lioness21

Believe me I tried every approach last night! I’m really not sure what more I could have done other than give in to her and let her stay up all night watching cartoons (which is exactly what she wanted!)

But she stayed up all night crying? I am not having a go OP but I don’t see why you couldn’t have laid down in the bed with her … of course she would have eventually fallen asleep. She’s not even 2 and she’s been ill… it’s ok to bend the routine rules.

Original poster

Lioness21 · 30/08/2021 10:47

Everyone saying I should have stayed with her - even when I was lying with her she was still crying, so still annoying my neighbour.
She wanted to go downstairs because that’s what she got to do when she wasn’t well. I can’t keep doing that or she won’t get enough sleep.
Appreciate that’s really crap for my neighbour but I’m hoping it will only take a couple of nights to get her back to her routine.
I will communicate this with her, I didn’t know last night was going to happen so couldn’t speak to her about it before.

OP posts:

RussianSpy101 · 30/08/2021 10:50

I think if she was wide awake you should’ve taken her down instead of letting it go on for hours. It won’t be forever,

Flip

1 2 3 4