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Original poster

I don't love my baby

85 replies

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 07/08/2021 15:43

My baby is 8 days old and I feel absolutely nothing towards him. I had a difficult birth that's left me with an infected episiotomy so I'm in a lot of pain and I gave up on breastfeeding after just a few days. I feel like such a failure as a mum already and so guilty for not being able to bond with him. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not enjoying any of it. I knew it would be hard but there haven't been any special moments at all. My midwife told me to speak to my GP who has prescribed antidepressants but I can't believe I'm already at that stage so soon after giving birth. How can I bond with him? Is it normal to just not love him at all?

OP posts:

stairway · 07/08/2021 15:49

There is nothing worse than an infected episiotomy, once you feel better you will bond with baby, you have just been through a trauma. You’ll get through this you are at the crying stage post birth where the hormones drop and make you feel like crap.

Wjevtvha · 07/08/2021 15:55

I spent the first couple of weeks with DS feeling like I was looking after someone else’s baby but those bonding feelings did develop and my bond with him is just as good as my older DD where it was more immediate. Try to be kind to yourself - sleep as much as you can, eat well and spend time having skin to skin is my best advice

ASomers · 07/08/2021 15:57

This is all so normal!! We're told that when you first hold your baby, you'll feel a rush of love but this isn't the case for so many women (more than you realise). It's just not talked about much. It's so overwhelming having a baby... You've just gone through the marathon of birth and the recovery is full on. On top of that, you're handed this baby and there's a bombshell realisation that this is it. It can feel like the baby is a stranger. I was lucky not to have suffered PND but even I thought 'what have I done?!' when I had that first night at home with my baby. Please remember that there are lots of women around the world feeling just this way. You're not doing anything wrong by feeling this way.

The second thing to say is it will get better. It might be so hard to believe but it will. Do speak with your gp/HV if you need any further support. That's what they're there for. You will bond with your baby. I don't know when but it will come. Try not to rush these feelings. Someone I know was feeling the same as you and they were offered baby massage classes for free as a way of helping them bond so there are services available, other than antidepressants, although these can help too.

Well done for acknowledging how you're feeling. I'm wishing you all the best. With support from people around you and help from the GP/HV, you'll absolutely get there. Keep going mama xxx

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PhiRhoSigma · 07/08/2021 15:59

Hang on in there. It will get better. First month is really tough, you get nothing back, it's hard to even relate to baby as a little person. I remember thinking with my first born, at two weeks pp, 'my god, what have I done'.

But they start smiling from about a month or so, and that feels like a watershed moment.

Good luck x.

Bluey18 · 07/08/2021 16:00

I didn't love my baby at 8 days old either. Actually the first few weeks are a complete blur. Looking back I was massively in shock after a traumatic birth and a failed attempt to establish breastfeeding that was never going to work and left me in a lot of pain. I can promise you that the love will come and it will get easier but I know that it doesn't feel like that right now. Just know that this is not unusual at all and you are not a failure . We are sometimes sold a lie as expectant mothers that we will instantly adore our babies and slot into being the perfect blissful mum. It's rubbish. 8 days ago you had a very physical trauma and now your entire life, routine and priorities have changed. It's a massive shock to the system, you need time to adjust and believe me you do adjust. If baby is clean and fed that is all you need to worry about right now, everything else will fall into place. Please don't worry about taking the antidepressants, I did for just a few months and they made all the difference, a few months later I was off them again, they were a useful tool at the time and I would not hesitate to take them again in the same position. Hugs, you are doing just fine xxx

Mommabear20 · 07/08/2021 16:03

You've already concurred the hardest hurdle! You've admitted you need help and don't have that bond! So many people just hide it and struggle alone and things never get better that way.

My friend was exactly the same as you, and she found that after a month or so, things naturally got better, once baby starts smiling and being more active it's so much easier to form a bond.

Don't give up on getting help, please, keep pushing for help until YOU are satisfied!

Good luck!

FullMoonInsomnia · 07/08/2021 16:04

You are only 8 days in! I had a very traumatic birth and I didn’t start to bond with my baby until probably two weeks after he was born. Looking back I was traumatised and had disassociated. You will still be experiencing hormonal upheaval. Give yourself a chance. I’m amazed your doctor is prescribing ADs already. They should be talking to you about trauma and helping you to realise this is normal. As for the midwife..
It will come in time. Be gentle with yourself. He is a new little person and you are recovering from an infection and the birth itself.

FullMoonInsomnia · 07/08/2021 16:05

@Bluey18

. We are sometimes sold a lie as expectant mothers that we will instantly adore our babies and slot into being the perfect blissful mum. It's rubbish. 8 days ago you had a very physical trauma and now your entire life, routine and priorities have changed. It's a massive shock to the system, you need time to adjust and believe me you do adjust. If baby is clean and fed that is all you need to worry about right now, everything else will fall into place. Please don't worry about taking the antidepressants, I did for just a few months and they made all the difference, a few months later I was off them again, they were a useful tool at the time and I would not hesitate to take them again in the same position. Hugs, you are doing just fine xxx

This in spades.

Angliski · 07/08/2021 16:06

Skin to skin- just hang out . It’s such a weird time post birth. It’s early days. Please take good care of yourself and know that it changes from moment to moment.

Millionnewnames · 07/08/2021 16:06

Couldn’t have been less interested in my DD when she first arrived ( I had no injuries so I wasn’t even in pain) I felt she looked like her father ( whom I despised by then) she was the wrong baby in my eyes. I’d pictured a boy and with completely different looks. It was a few weeks before the penny dropped and she suddenly was beautiful and I felt blessed to have her, healthy and gorgeous.
DS was gorgeous straight away to me and I really bonded quickly. For what it’s worth, it had zero effect on my long term relationships with them. They both test and annoy me and also delight me in equal measure.
Still early days. Once you feel better you can do the fun bits like the walks and coffee shops that deliver all those admiring looks.

Cocomade · 07/08/2021 16:06

Your going through a lot op
I'm one of those also that didn't bond with my baby straight away. I went through hell of ivf to have him, didn't have the rush of love I was told about. It was a massive massive shock to the system for me.
To be honest, it took me about 6/8 weeks to realise how much I loved him.
It's very common but not openly spoke about.

It does get easier, don't be hard on yourself your doing a great job so far.

you've jumped the first hurdle by speaking about it well done.

nc8765 · 07/08/2021 16:07

NORMAL!

I had a difficult birth, episiotomy, forceps, 2 blood transfusions, a week in hospital.

I never got the rush of love. Breastfeeding was fine but all I had towards DD was a sense of duty, but love? That didn't come till later, probably closer to the 8-10 week mark.

If your feelings persist over time, then speak to your GP again.

bloodywhitecat · 07/08/2021 16:13

Completely normal, at least it was for me. I did the things I needed to do when mine were tiny but I can honestly say that if someone has swooped in and offered to love and care for them I probably would've taken them up on the offer. Love grew for me, it wasn't an instantaneous rush like I had been led to believe I would experience.

You are not a bad mum but you are an exhausted, shocked one.

MintyCedric · 07/08/2021 16:18

It's a really tough time.

My DD was born mid September and due to a multitude of complication including PND I didn't really even start to feel the bond I was expecting with her until she was about 5 months old.

I did all the right things for her, but just felt a bit 'semi detached' tbh. From 5/6 months onwards I loved being a mum...even through the terrible twos and threeager years!

She's nearly 17 now and we couldn't be closer.

Mylittlesandwich · 07/08/2021 16:19

So normal. I had a straightforward ELCS with a smooth recovery but those first few weeks I was going through the motions. I knew I had to look after him and I did but I didn't have strong emotions either way towards him. I also had bad PND and I still take ADs now. He's 20 months and I love him to bits now but for me it wasn't instant. It had to build.

TheVanguardSix · 07/08/2021 16:21

Oh bless you, OP. Birth, gift that it is, is a trauma. You and your baby have made this miraculous and traumatic journey together. You have that (among other things!) in common. You don’t have to ‘love’ or be an ‘amazing’ mother. You’ve JUST this minute become a mother. It’s a steep learning curve and there’s nothing instantaneous about it.
You are new to motherhood. Your baby is new to this whole Life Gig. You’ll both get there. Slowly, steadily. Take your time and just look after you, look after your baby. The love is actually there. It just takes a little time to show itself. If you find you’re really overwhelmed by it all and the struggle is getting on top of you, there’s a lot of support out there to help you cope with those feelings. But please know that the way you feel is so normal.
I felt this way with DC2.
She’s 11 now and we’re slurping ramen with her tween friends as I type. I’d take every bullet in the universe for her. My love for her is completely whole and beautiful. But I was like you! God almighty I just felt like my body had been punished and I was tired beyond description. Having babies ain’t for the faint of heart. Congratulations. You will climb the mountain and see the glory, OP. It’ll happen. In the meantime, sleep!!! Try and get as much of that as you can. It does help a bit with coping and bonding. The bond will come.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/08/2021 16:25

it happens.
I had that with more than one of mine and I didn't have PND or anything, it was just all too much - birth trauma, pain, feeding issues, sleep deprivation, fucking stupid comments from people....

it's hard. give it time and be kind to yourself. the love will come, for sure. x

OaxacaChihuahua · 07/08/2021 16:45

In reality, far from the idealised version of motherhood used to sell prams etc, this is SO NORMAL.

You’ve been through a serious injury and physical trauma, you’re exhausted and your hormones are haywire.

Please give yourself gentleness and time. If you still feel this way in a few weeks it may be time to consider if there’s a bit of PND going on, but in the meantime just remember you’re on a physical rollercoaster, and that the emotional side will catch up in time.

For now, if your daughter’s physical needs are being met you’re doing grand. It won’t cause her any harm that you feel this way just now; your bond is going to come, and you will feel better again

Wingingit573 · 07/08/2021 16:48

This is normal.

Everyone told me I'd feel this rush of love when I had my daughter, I didn't.

I felt completely empty, I didn't feel anything other than violated (Difficult birth)

I would say I didn't really feel much love towards her for the first few months. She's now 16 months and she's my absolute world. The best thing that ever happened to me.

You're healing physically and mentally, having a baby is a big deal! Give yourself time, If you're still feeling low in a week or so please contact your HV x

Bythemillpond · 07/08/2021 16:53

I would say perfectly normal. I think I was working through shock and only really felt responsibility for a couple of months

ElspethFlashman · 07/08/2021 16:53

I'll go one better - I didn't love my baby for 12 months.

Oh I was a good mother, but a robotic one. Robot Mum, that was me. To the outside I looked fine. Inside it was like I was babysitting someone else's child.

I finally plucked up the courage to go to the GP.

I was put on tablets immediately.

It wasn't overnight, it took a few months, but eventually the love came. Without the tablets that wouldn't have happened.

So yes, if you are being offered antidepressants, take them. Someone is throwing you a rope - grab it!

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 07/08/2021 16:59

I didn't immediately love either of my babies and felt like they were strangers initially, it just grew over time. I also struggled with breast feeding too and spent the first 10 days of DS1 life in tears and feeling an utter failure.

All sounds completely normal.

clarepetal · 07/08/2021 17:04

I think films and telly have a lot to answer for. All the times you watch the woman being handed the beautiful baby, the mum cradles the delicate packages, coos over it and falls in love instantly.

Like bollocks that happens. My kid is 6 and it took a damn long time for me to have those feelings. Sounds to me as if you have had a rough, rough time. Be kind to yourself xxxx

CustardyCreams · 07/08/2021 17:12

It’s normal especially if you had a tough labour. It will probably improve some soon, but if you continue to have pnd symptoms tell your hv or gp.

Promise one day you will just be bursting with love for your little one. Be strong, it’s a bumpy journey sometimes.

Smartiepants79 · 07/08/2021 17:17

So, so normal. It took me weeks to bond with both my children.
Just keep battling through these first few weeks and the love will come. It can take a while but it doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad parent.
Your body has been through a trauma and you’re still ill. As you feel stronger it will get easier and you’ll have more energy to care about him!! Newborns are amazing in lots of ways but they are also little sods! Made if you can find a couple of quiet minutes to start appreciating how amazing he is. They’re great when they’re asleep!
If it doesn’t improve over the next few weeks ask for some help.

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